I had some bisexual experiences before I got married. Back then it was a 'try anything' as long as it seems like fun period of my life so I didn't read too much into it. For years now I haven't thought about them too much, not big urges or anything. For many years I've watched porn from the male perspective and had my head turned by attractive women walking down the street, again from a male 'Wow, I'd love to...' perspective. The only negative thing I can think of in terms of sex, which I've always entered into enthusiastically, is that I've always had a huge 'switch off' afterwards. I know a lot of guys get that but for me it's always been a big thing.... almost a feeling of guilt or something.

Recently though things have changed. As I've rediscovered my trans side (I used to dress off and on for years without the sort of huge urges which have taken hold over the last year or so) my views on sex have changed. I now look at porn wishing I was the female, I look at attractive women in the street wishing I was them and I find it difficult to get enthusiastic about sex with my wife. It often feels like I'm going through the motions. This has been going on for some time now.

The confusing thing is how could I have gone from 'typical male' attitudes to this? It wasn't as if I felt something gnawing at me for all those years when I was Mr Heterosexual. I've tried to analyse things thinking is this now the real me? I could understand if it was some giddy with excitement pink mist thing but these feelings are now so dominant and have been going on for a long time. Surely, though, there would have been some sense of 'this isn't the real you' during all those testosterone fueled years if this was the case.

Thoughts?

Christine

Transitioning at age 62, I have had many "How could I not have known?" moments.  But denial and testosterone are both powerful alterers of reality.  Now, in 20/20 hindsight, I see that, deep down, I *did* know. 

All those times when I felt I had to work to be masculine enough to pass as male.  I wouldn't have put in in quite those words at the time, but that is what I was doing.  The choice of a "macho" occupation, and becoming damn good at it.  I didn't think at the time that I was covering up my female nature, but now it is clear that I was.

This is the kind of thing to explore with the help of a good gender therapist.  You might have to do some digging to figure out what was really going on inside you.

Testosterone is an amazingly powerful drug. I wanted be a girl since I was like 4 y/o. Instead I had to be a guy. In my time and world of the 50's-60's there was no middle ground of any sort. I wished and prayed each night to wake up as a girl for years. As T started to take over so did the urge to CD followed by the shame filled "release".

Throughout high-school years guys were always complete horn-dogs to me sex, sex, sex. Girls, girls, girls. This one is so hot. This actress was.... You know the drill. Me?  Women caugt my eye for sure. Mostly whenever I saw a good looking girl or woman I always wished I could look like that. The only way I wanted to get into her panties was to...  be able to wear her panties, and more. Rarely, as in extremely rarely I would find myself more and more attracted to a particular woman as I got older.

The attraction I chalked up to being a romantic at heart. After we got to be friends, spent more time together, got to know each other better. She wasn't scared off by this big ugly hulk. In fact appreciated that.... Oh how I now hate this... "You are not like other guys....."  I had lots of female friends. Female lovers you don't need all the fingers on one hand to count. I'll spare details of lovemaking except for this similarity. Pretty much the only way I could climax was to get deep into my fantasy of being the woman during our lovemaking. My ex-fiancee took some advantage of the knowledge of my gender issues. My wife routinely did.

In hindsight, looking back after a few years on HRT and a lot of hard work healing and getting to know the real me, I can say without a doubt pretty much all the attraction I have towards women, even today, is simple envy to admiration for how well she put everything together so perfectly. Or really liking whatever she was wearing and wanting or wishing I had it or the body for it. There is absolutely zero sense of sexual desire. Sadly, the same pretty much applies to my wife.

The "Being a romantic" part of me is getting shot to hell these days as the GD is growing in intensity. I've been on this path of Self Discovery of the real me officially 8 years now since I went to my first ever TG Support Group meeting. As you can imagine, being the woman while having sex sort of implies there is a man involved    Back in my early 20's lack of an attraction to guys and the reality of being made love to didn't come close to the fantasy was part of the reasoning behind ending my utter failed transition experiments. TBH - I was totally ill prepared for transition, totally unlike today. Also totally different today is how hot some guys are to me. Scarier are the dreams I now have as either post-op or out trans woman with a male love interest. Even scarier is my new found genital dysphoria.  Even more scarier is the daydreaming of what it WILL be like to have a b/f and be like all the women you see out in the world with theirs.

May you live in interesting times

Hello Cristine I am living the same experience, I think. First thing first, identity is something that I perceive as very complex and evolving, and what is important is feeling, and feelings: they really help you navigate in your life and the world around you (source: my personal experience). An important feeling is the sense of reality.
This said, I think that you are the same person as before, only you are not acting anymore. You were wearing a mask, but believing/wishing/having the doubt you were actually that person: it made so much sense, didn't it? Then you discover that, no, you are not precisely that person. I think that transgender person actually wear a kind of mask, a real mask, one made of real skin and real flesh. It is ->-bleeped-<-ed up. The problem is that we are not used (until today) to see transgender people around us, and we are not used to trans-identities, i.e. people with sex and gender not corresponding, living normal lifes without physically transitioning. We also don't know if this is "biologically/psychologically healthy".

I had real excitement with girls, and I think I still enjoy having some sex with a nice girl, but I think I feel the same as you do, I feel turned off in the very aftermath, and I feel kind of guilt, like "Ok, I am faking something here... This is not right, this girl doesn't deserve this... or, what if she analyses me or discovers this faking part of me?".
Also, I think that I got excited both for being that "Mr. Heterosexual", and cause... I was in a kind of porn movie myself XD And that was quite exciting. But I was unaware, unconscious, and I believed that I was a normal guy, and for a long period thay was enough for me, and quite fun as well, despite the weird and toxic feelings I felt on my skin.

Does this make sense to you?

A side note: the fun part about this "mask" is that I think that transgender people do not cease to wear masks in particular environments, even after their transition, as cis people do (e.g.: formal events, or when you met people you don't know, or when you are masking something about you/others - source: my experience and Calvino's concept of "masks"). But for transgender people, there is a serious threat to the identity, which is blurred and confused somehow by their/our bodies.

What do you think about it?

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P.s.: btw, I could also be bisexual, I don't know, I will have to live and see

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Ive, I 100% agree with you. It took years of courage to throw my mask away. Being mister heterosexual seemed like what I had to be because of society. When I do look at girls when I'm out it's because I like her makeup or outfit lol.
Concerning my taste in films. The first time I realized I was watching through her eyes I was in HS and I felt ashamed. Now in my mid 20s, I can't even get into films if I'm not wearing something cute and my legs aren't shaved lol. Don't ask the last time I used a hand. Sorry TMI
:]

I think we all live in interesting times.

I also had extreme feelings of guilt after sex in my 20's... I have not had these feelings with my wife of 20 years (not that I recall) but have often desired to be in her role sexually.

I have always had fantasies about being a women in bed with a man.  This is strange as I'm not really attracted to guys.  I have had a few bi experiences over the years but it was usually a one time thing as the actual experience did not fulfill the desire to be female (just felt like two dudes in bed - nothing wrong with that - just not what I desire).

I started watch female POV videos about 18 months ago and it was a bit of an awakening.   It really fit what I was feeling and I found it very fulfilling.   

I came out to my wife as gender dysphoric about 4 months ago and shared my desire to be in a more traditional female role with her.   She has been fairly receptive and I really enjoy the intimacy... The problem that I'm having is that I often cant finish with her.  It's a lot easier to finish fantasizing about being a woman with my trusty vibrator.

Not sure where this is going from here but definitely interesting times.

I think everything is interesting lol. We are all different but it's very normal for sexual interests to change. I not only had a change in sexual interests but a mindset change regarding my personal time entirely. What once was everyday turned into a half dozen evenings a month where I can fully embrace myself and reconnect.
Am I crazy?

Sex has always been weird for me because I knew I was a girl from age 5. Mom dresses me in boy clothes and cuts my hair short and any boy acting female is called sissyboy, so I hid myself like most of us did back then. Then the teens come along and do girls wanting to play around and it just didn't feel right to me. One even threw herself at me and I just couldn't do it, then I really felt like a weirdo. But then me and her brother were good friends and decided to find out what a BJ felt like. He went for a few seconds but he had to hit me in head to get me to stop! Then after High School I fell in love with my best friend. We had a weird moment one night at the beach when it hit me that I truly loved him and really wished that I was a woman. But [idiot that I am] I pushed those thoughts away and after that tried to be as masculine as possible. I even managed to get with a girl a couple of times. Only a couple, it was just to strange for me. So then I thought I was Gay, Tried that, nope not Gay. So in the end my hand was my friend and I could be the girl in my dreams at least. Now in Transition, things that I repressed and buried deep have come back to me. I realize now just how deeply in love with him I was. And yes I thought of a 'sex change' but I was afraid of rejection or worse, especially after hearing for years that trans people were 'perverts' or 'mental'. When I finally married a woman to rescue her, she almost married a virgin. I think society puts such a heavy burden of guilt and shame on us that sometimes we lose sight of who we are, especially for us Trans who aren't sure to begin with. We try to be Who we're 'supposed' to be.

The strange thing is that I know some people acknowledge they were putting on an act but it didn't feel like that with me. All the maleness just felt natural and all the crossdressing etc seemed like an occasional thing. Now the former just seems wrong.

Lately, I been feeling more butch (in a sense of lesbian), but it's more like 'F you society, I'll do what I want with my life'. A little feminism, but I also equal right about men.

I am kind of tired of "gender roles" that is enforce on society. Everyone is their own individual.... I question if people are really living authentically or being masculine or feminine based on society interpretation of masculinity and feminine (or even their hair, clothes, actions, beliefs are based on society; not decided by themselves but a herd mentality).  It's like the world conform people to one type of person, and they don't know their true self.  I am also in that boat, I don't bleach my hair because of its' stereotypes.

It's like I look back at 1755 pictures of fashion and hair... and I'm like "why does this look good?" I put myself in their shoes, and try to imagine why they look like the way they did.

Although, if I was a young woman in 1755... I would create medieval dress with a silk shoulder drape, or find someway to get it (based on pictures I could find). And just let my hair loose instead of piling it up, and wear red lipstick and white face blush.

I probably look like a pheasant if I did that though... because I bet all those dresses/hair made them look rich. They might call me a witch... nevermind.

But back to what I was thinking, are we dress like this because we really like it, or are we brainwash to like it by herd mentality from people???

Our men brainwash by society to not engage with literature and write poems, like they did back in the olden days?? Or were the olden days men brainwash to write poems??

Does the people and environment you surround yourself affect who you are???

And if it is, who is your true self if you're brainwash?

Christine,

I have some similar thoughts to you. 

I've always been fascinated by the female form. I had several fun monogamous relationships, and now a pretty strong marriage.  I still love making love to my wife.  I don't think that's a mask.

But for four years now, I've pictured myself as the woman in almost every encounter with her.  I see beautiful woman and want to be them, not wanting to have sex with them like I did for most my life.  And this part is starting to become much more powerful, like the woman inside is crawling her way out. 

Sarah

I'm not sure what that means. But that's why I'm here.