Never in my life did I know when going down this road that I would end up where I am today. I thought you know I would become this woman I would just be happy all the time. Nothing could prepare me for this pain I have.

Today is my daughters birthday and it is a day of celebration but I am sitting here sad. I miss her when she is away with her mom. I only get her on weekends and people is like be grateful for that. But I miss her no matter what. I would given the world to have my little angel wake up this morning and saw me there ready to tell her happy birthday. Take her to school and see her joy and happiness with all her party stuff she is taking to all the class mates.

Rather I am sitting here sad because I was cut off from all that when I got divorced because I was transgender. I did not have a choice in being transgender. Who would choose this for themselves. I thought choosing to become a woman would be choosing happiness. Well I still got the raw part of the deal. I am happy with some parts of my life. Other parts not so much.

I guess it is a limbo move because I love my boyfriend so much and wishing me and my ex was together just for having that moments with my child is wishing him out of existence. I can't do that he is the most wonderful person and boyfriend a woman could ask for. So to have him I have to sacrifice that dream of having my child under my roof. Sharing that little special moments with her. I am absent in them and it breaks my heart knowing that.

I did not have this pain when I was with my ex and was struggling with dysphoria. I could enjoy my child each day. Now I have this new found heart wrenching pain each time like today that I realize what I am missing out on. Do I regret transitioning well no. Even if I stayed a man I would not have been there because my ex was still divorcing me. I only decided to really transition and go full time 6 months after I moved out and she had a new boyfriend.

I would never forget her words "you need someone that love you for who you are because I can't".
I found that someone. So this is a happy and sad story I guess. I am so so happy in my relationship but so so sad about that moments.

So in the end I just have to face the fact that I will always miss out on those moments that would have meant the world to me. 

I am sorry you miss out on so much of your kids life. I was near a similar situation. My wife and I had been semi seperated for a while. I know the sadness of just thinking about missing so much of my kids regular life. Unfortunately that is such a common issue in divorce in general. There were times I expected I might also only get to see my kids on the weekends. I have always been a very active second mom to my kids even as a dad, so thinking about that would bring me to tears as well.

All I can offer is my virtual hugs. Try to stay positive.

Quote from: Amoré on August 28, 2017, 03:18:18 AM
Never in my life did I know when going down this road that I would end up where I am today. I thought you know I would become this woman I would just be happy all the time. Nothing could prepare me for this pain I have.

Today is my daughters birthday and it is a day of celebration but I am sitting here sad. I miss her when she is away with her mom. I only get her on weekends and people is like be grateful for that. But I miss her no matter what. I would given the world to have my little angel wake up this morning and saw me there ready to tell her happy birthday. Take her to school and see her joy and happiness with all her party stuff she is taking to all the class mates.

Rather I am sitting here sad because I was cut off from all that when I got divorced because I was transgender. I did not have a choice in being transgender. Who would choose this for themselves. I thought choosing to become a woman would be choosing happiness. Well I still got the raw part of the deal. I am happy with some parts of my life. Other parts not so much.

I guess it is a limbo move because I love my boyfriend so much and wishing me and my ex was together just for having that moments with my child is wishing him out of existence. I can't do that he is the most wonderful person and boyfriend a woman could ask for. So to have him I have to sacrifice that dream of having my child under my roof. Sharing that little special moments with her. I am absent in them and it breaks my heart knowing that.

I did not have this pain when I was with my ex and was struggling with dysphoria. I could enjoy my child each day. Now I have this new found heart wrenching pain each time like today that I realize what I am missing out on. Do I regret transitioning well no. Even if I stayed a man I would not have been there because my ex was still divorcing me. I only decided to really transition and go full time 6 months after I moved out and she had a new boyfriend.

I would never forget her words "you need someone that love you for who you are because I can't".
I found that someone. So this is a happy and sad story I guess. I am so so happy in my relationship but so so sad about that moments.

So in the end I just have to face the fact that I will always miss out on those moments that would have meant the world to me. 

I have 3 children that I no longer get to have any interaction with, even though the oldest 2 live relatively close by. My baby girl and light of my life, now lives in another country.  All this happened before I decided to run with my transition plans. Their respective mothers do everything in their power to prevent me from having a relationship with my babies. I've had to just give up, you know, to stem the emotional bleeding that came so close to killing me. Harden my heart. But the littlest things still trigger a full-blown, emotionally and physically draining howl-fest of grief and loss. This from someone considered as heartless by the 2 women I once adored. Please know there are people such as myself who fully understand exactly what you are going through and I for one, am willing to just listen when you need a sympathetic soul to pour your heart out too. Can't promise you won't set me off crying too though.
Oops, there I go now........

*sigh*

It really doesn't take much, even though several years have passed now.

Much love, xx

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I am so sorry to hear your story. Wow I can't imagine how you must feel at least I get visitation. Me and my fiance is going to challange for custody once our things are sorted out. I was at my daughters birthday at my ex's house and did my eyes open up. My ex turned into something I don't want for my child. I don't want my child to by risen by a person like that. Her morals is out of the window. She became trash. I looked at her and thought to myself what happened to you. I would have never married you if you where what you are now.

I was threatened this morning by her that she is going to take my child and move overseas.

I technically allowed ex-2 to leave with my girl by not challenging her exit from Australia. Her mum was not eligible for citizenship here and I wouldn't have her living on the streets, destitute and vulnerable just because I didn't want to lose my baby girl. Yet despite this selfless and massively damaging concession, I am still the most selfish person she knows. Her words. Your daughter would be a citizen in the country you all currently reside in? Have a court order made prohibiting her from leaving the country if it's at all possible. I decided not to pursue such an order out of compassion.   Despite my predominantly female thought processes, I will never understand the bitterness and resentment that both my ex's seem to harbour against me.
So now,
It's a single piratess' life for me.
Because,
The next relationship I have will finish me if it fails like the first two did. I'm terrified, to tell you the truth. I can't survive that for a third time.
I'm finally learning to love this girl I call myself, now that I'm finally empowering her to be all she can be!
I have a certain peaceful confidence that all will end well. Eventually.
I can hold my head high knowing that I was the better woman in the end. No hate. No bitterness, only a deep sense of loss, lots of  hope, and faith that things will be made right. Though I can't be there for my girls, I can still nurture this girl, and best of all - no one can take her from me.

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