Gender Odyssey was incredible, but... I was not prepared for the dysphoria afterwards! 

My wife and I just attended the Gender Odyssey Conference in Seattle. I am so glad we did. It was a weekend I'll never forget. We both made new friends and feel like we gained a new tribe. Pretty amazing.

More significantly, this weekend was the first time I ever ventured out anywhere as Rachel. It was incredibly affirming. I got more compliments on my looks this past weekend than the last 10 years as a boy. On Sunday, I had an hour to kill while my wife was attending a session so I carpe'd the hour by taking a walk around downtown Seattle. It was terrific. The feeling of walking around in a dress, soaking up the sunshine was indescribable. A feeling I will never forget.

I suppose I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. After I got back to work this morning (obviously in full-on boy mode), I found myself getting more and more restless and uncomfortable. I could not concentrate on my work. I was getting more and more anxious until I felt like I wanted to claw my skin off. On a whim, I looked up the dictionary definition of the word DYSPHORIA.

QuoteA mood of general dissatisfaction, restlessness, depression, and anxiety; a feeling of unpleasantness or discomfort.

That's when I realized I was being overcome by a wave of dysphoria more intense than anything I've ever experienced before. So, I did what I figured my therapist would tell me to do: I took a walk.

I work in a somewhat urban area but there is a river nearby with a nice walking/biking trail that runs along it. I walked over there to the trail with a fugue state building in my head that made me want to jump out of my skin. My head was reeling with conflicting thoughts that came at me in unrelenting, rapid succession. Maybe I'm really trans. Maybe I really need to transition. My wife is going to divorce me. My child will come from a broken home. I will finally be me. I will lose everything but my identity. All my friends will desert me. Maybe the local LGBT community will have a place for me. Most of my family will think I'm a joke.

I found a bench that sits between the path and the river and sat down to try to get a grip on myself. I wanted to break down, but I sucked it up and slowly got a grip on myself. A moment later, I heard someone approaching from behind me on the bike path. Before I could turn around, he said, "Maam, can you tell me how to get to (such and such)...?"

Everyone talks about being misgendered. What are the odds I'd be correctly gendered when in boy mode?! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I laughed. 

At any rate, I believe I can now attest as to what gender dysphoria really feels like. I thought I knew before. I think I know now.

Rachel my first thought reading your post is Congratulations.  My second thought is "welcome to my world." 

In 2014 I spent a week living in my preferred gender at a private campground event on the edge of the same city (Seattle).  The event I attended was not specifically for transgender but it was an open-minded venue.  Driving to the event I felt every car in traffic was staring at me along with the drivers of those cars.  On my way home I didn't care, I felt free, I couldn't stop smiling.  And then I had to change back into male-mode clothes and I felt like they were made out of lead.  Heavy metal of the wrong type.  I felt my smile sink into the floor, get ready to go back to work and be someone I wasn't. 

As a result of that week I still wasn't certain about my own transition.  But I did know at that point I was fed up with my beard shadow and having to wake up early to shave my chest before anyone else would notice.  I'd had an unforgettable taste of freedom.  I picked up the phone and made my first laser appointment which then led to electrolysis.  Even if I wasn't sure about transition I was done with facial hair.

My beard shadow is history and my HRT prescription began a month ago.  No regrets.

I can definitely relate to what you just experienced.  We each have different personal situations and I want you to know I respect any decision you make - if it is the best for you in the long run, and if you do as you are now - reflecting, gathering real-world experiences and gaining an understanding of who you are.  That is what I did.  Our answers might not be identical but that's ok.  And your answer may change over time.  Mine did.

Hi Rachel,

I absolutely understand. My original timeline involved coming out to my wife, starting therapy, starting HRT, coming out to trusted friends, and coming out to family - all accomplished since May of this year (and surprisingly, all with good outcomes). The next step, involving coming out to neighbors & the world at large and going full-time, was absolutely going to wait until the HRT made things impossible to hide any more.

However, it's getting to the point that after even just a few hours out in the evening as myself, it's getting harder and harder to put the boy suit back on. We'll be attending the Southern Comfort convention in September, and I'm anticipating the same reaction you had when I get home after being Me full time for two whole days.

I'm starting to question why I'm waiting, anyway. Whether somebody is good or bad with the way I live my life isn't going to change depending on how I look at that point. I'm trying to calculate the stress of the possibility of facing hostility from a few people, against the stress of trying to live parallel lives for the foreseeable future.

I'm considering a revised timeline of coming out to the neighborhood (it's a unique, very close-knit community where we all share the same interests, almost like an extended family) and continuing transition without immediately going full time. At least I'd be able to get dressed at home when I go to meetings, instead of in my car.

By the way, why are you worried about your wife? She sounds awesome, since she went with you and attended meetings. My wife has been the same, so it sounds like we're both pretty lucky. Make sure you make clear to her how much you appreciate it.

And congratulations on being correctly gendered. What a cool feeling, eh?

Steph

I went to GO also. I went in male mode because I'm a scaredy cat. By the end of the first day. I also went to the professional sessions I came away understanding. If you have been to ingersoll you probably recognized Atom liesiak well he's actually Dr. Atom and is a molecular scientist and he explained how our brains are different than normal. By the end of the session I felt I had an explaination for why I feel the way I do. Atom was not alone as every presenter had mad skills. There were also many discussion groups and I was really impressed with the younger attendees. They were so articulate. They also thought computers were always available and did not understand why we didn't transition sooner.  I fully expected to see a lot of over the top costumes but I only saw 1 person in drag and a couple dressed as a Pirate and his partner a mermaid. Yes there were Goths, cosplay, studs, tattoo's etc. More pink hair than I've ever seen. There were programs for African American Transgender folks, Kids as well. There were Pub crawls, picnics, musical performances. On the third day I finally broke out and wore something more femme along with my new shoes. Breasts displayed proudly. I walked a few blocks down to Potbelly sandwich shop and realized yes there were sideways looks but all in all nobody seemed to notice. I did not wear any makeup because I tend to over do it. I don't know if I ever had so many hugs. There were also enough tall ladies there that I didn't feel so out of place.

Quote from: Kendra on August 29, 2017, 04:05:08 AMAs a result of that week I still wasn't certain about my own transition.  But I did know at that point I was fed up with my beard shadow and having to wake up early to shave my chest before anyone else would notice.  I'd had an unforgettable taste of freedom.  I picked up the phone and made my first laser appointment which then led to electrolysis.  Even if I wasn't sure about transition I was done with facial hair.

Thanks, Kendra! I appreciate that. You summed it all up very eloquently. I'm in the learning phase, trying to figure out who/what/where I am.

As for the beard, I could not agree more. Even if I were to commit to living in boy mode for the rest of my life, I would still love to be rid of all my facial hair. My beard is really dark, prickly, and fast growing. I would love to do get laser, but it's mostly a matter of expense. I'm just worried that it'll all turn gray before I get a chance. It's already starting to. 

My daily driver car is 17 years old and has a quarter million miles on the odometer (400k kilometers).  I paid $450 USD for my 1970 truck (eight cents per pound).  With transition I shifted my financial priorities.  If I had to I would switch to a bus pass or walk before I'd give up what I have already experienced with transition. 

Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 29, 2017, 08:49:23 AM
Hi Rachel,
I absolutely understand. My original timeline involved coming out to my wife, starting therapy, starting HRT, coming out to trusted friends, and coming out to family - all accomplished since May of this year (and surprisingly, all with good outcomes).

Hi, Steph.
That's awesome! Congrats on having a good outcome, and having the courage to make the commitment to being your true self!

Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 29, 2017, 08:49:23 AM
By the way, why are you worried about your wife? She sounds awesome, since she went with you and attended meetings. My wife has been the same, so it sounds like we're both pretty lucky. Make sure you make clear to her how much you appreciate it.

My wife is indeed awesome. I'm humbled that she's been so willing to jump in and start learning about all this. At the same time, though, she's really scared I'm going to want to transition. She did not sign up for a lesbian marriage. She's even admitted to me that the things I've been doing to feminize my appearance (growing hair out, removing facial and body hair, etc.) make me less and less sexually attractive to her. Still, she's being as patient as she can with me while she's learning about all this stuff, too. I'm also happy that she's found some people that she can lean on for support. We are working at keeping the communication lines open, and I am going to continue doing my best to move things at her pace. We're all works in progress, I suppose!

Quote from: Kendra on August 29, 2017, 01:29:55 PM
My daily driver car is 17 years old and has a quarter million miles on the odometer (400k kilometers).  I paid $450 USD for my 1970 truck (eight cents per pound).  With transition I shifted my financial priorities.  If I had to I would switch to a bus pass or walk before I'd give up what I have already experienced with transition. 

Wow! My car only has 135,000. I have a ways to go.

Your response does make me stop and think. Perhaps if and when I feel I NEED to transition, things like laser hair removal will become that imperative! If I were to make buying toys a priority over things like laser, maybe transitioning isn't the first thing on my mind.

Something to chew on.... thanks!

Quote from: DawnOday on August 29, 2017, 11:39:32 AM
I went to GO also. I went in male mode because I'm a scaredy cat. By the end of the first day. I also went to the professional sessions I came away understanding. If you have been to ingersoll you probably recognized Atom liesiak well he's actually Dr. Atom and is a molecular scientist and he explained how our brains are different than normal. By the end of the session I felt I had an explaination for why I feel the way I do. Atom was not alone as every presenter had mad skills. There were also many discussion groups and I was really impressed with the younger attendees. They were so articulate. They also thought computers were always available and did not understand why we didn't transition sooner.  I fully expected to see a lot of over the top costumes but I only saw 1 person in drag and a couple dressed as a Pirate and his partner a mermaid. Yes there were Goths, cosplay, studs, tattoo's etc. More pink hair than I've ever seen. There were programs for African American Transgender folks, Kids as well. There were Pub crawls, picnics, musical performances. On the third day I finally broke out and wore something more femme along with my new shoes. Breasts displayed proudly. I walked a few blocks down to Potbelly sandwich shop and realized yes there were sideways looks but all in all nobody seemed to notice. I did not wear any makeup because I tend to over do it. I don't know if I ever had so many hugs. There were also enough tall ladies there that I didn't feel so out of place.

Hi, Dawn. Thanks for the response.

I actually contacted the organizers several weeks ago to ask if GO would be an appropriate place for me to be in Rachel mode for the first time. They responded that GO is perfect for that, so I gathered all my courage and committed to attending as Rachel. I was so glad I did. It was liberating in a way I cannot even put into words. I'm sure you get it, though. 

I think we may have been in some of the same sessions! I attended Atom's presentation on the brain on Friday morning. It was fascinating. I've never been to Ingersoll. I understand they have meetings every wednesday evening. Does Ingersoll provide a supportive environment like GO? If so, I may to check it out more sooner than later!

As I discovered myself, and others have said in other threads, once you're 'out of the box' it's hard to put yourself back in. After tasting the freedom of being out in public, I felt absolutely miserable having to dress wrong for work.

Quote from: Rachel 82 on August 29, 2017, 02:15:26 PM
Hi, Dawn. Thanks for the response.

I actually contacted the organizers several weeks ago to ask if GO would be an appropriate place for me to be in Rachel mode for the first time. They responded that GO is perfect for that, so I gathered all my courage and committed to attending as Rachel. I was so glad I did. It was liberating in a way I cannot even put into words. I'm sure you get it, though. 

I think we may have been in some of the same sessions! I attended Atom's presentation on the brain on Friday morning. It was fascinating. I've never been to Ingersoll. I understand they have meetings every wednesday evening. Does Ingersoll provide a supportive environment like GO? If so, I may to check it out more sooner than later!

Absolutely, they have had wednesday meetings for 44 years I think. I find lots of support they also welcome SO's. http://ingersollgendercenter.org/what-we-do and as I begin to get more aquainted with everybody I will be less standoffisb as I love finding out about their lives. I'm learning how to socialize again as I gave up booze thirty years ago when my Son was born.