There's a great line in the first Matrix movie where Joe Pantaliano/Cypher betrays his peeps to agent Smith and talks about how he wishes he never took the red pill and had just stayed oblivious.  It makes me wonder if the Wachowski sisters had a deeper meaning when they included that in the film. 

I've been struggling with that a bunch- wishing i could go back to my denial days.  But I can't.  For me, i've concluded a big part of it is internalized transphobia.  And I'm working on accepting and loving myself as a transwoman that has to play a guy for a few more years.  It's hard sister!  But you're not alone

Quote from: Another Nikki on August 27, 2017, 09:19:34 PM
There's a great line in the first Matrix movie where Joe Pantaliano/Cypher betrays his peeps to agent Smith and talks about how he wishes he never took the red pill and had just stayed oblivious.  It makes me wonder if the Wachowski sisters had a deeper meaning when they included that in the film. 

I've been struggling with that a bunch- wishing i could go back to my denial days.  But I can't.  For me, i've concluded a big part of it is internalized transphobia.  And I'm working on accepting and loving myself as a transwoman that has to play a guy for a few more years.  It's hard sister!  But you're not alone

Wow, great catch about the Matrix! It does have a deeper meaning now that they transitioned.

I'm thinking about exploring other identities in the trans spectrum. I might be gender fluid/queer/androgynous however you wanna call it. Maybe I don't need to go all the way to transsexuality. Maybe I don't need HRT, just to explore new ways to feel more connected to my feminine side. I'm thinking to keep growing my hair, keep shaving my beard and dress a bit differently. I at least want to look less stereotypically masculine and a bit more androgynous.


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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 25, 2017, 11:19:02 AM
Just to clarify, I'm sure that even if went back, my boyfriend wouldn't return...And that isn't the reason why I'm considering this. It's just that this situation has showed me the possibility that rejection is real, and that it hurts, and that I'm having a hard time handling it. I was basically inside a bubble because these past 4 months coming out to everyone were pretty seamless, everyone was supportive so I felt strong and powerful, felt I was ready for it. But now that one my biggest supporters left I face reality and things aren't as easy and will not be as easy as I imagined. I fear losing my life and being depressed forever.

So does that happen for everyone? Seeing old pictures makes you nostalgic and somewhat missing who you were? That's how I feel at the moment, cuz despite the dysphoria I was able to be somewhat stable and had it all. I don't hate the guy I see in the pictures, I have so much love for him and all that I accomplished looking like that.

Miss Charlie Nicki,
When I read your into it looked like something I would have wrote at about 3 months in. The feeling you are having never goes away. I am sorry but it doesn't. It does lessen. And for some it is so low they don't feel it. But something like that likes to come back around when you are having a bad day. I still feel that way. I am a year into HRT and still feel it. I have not transitioned socially yet. Some may say that's a mistake. And my profile pic is my male self. So I see him everyday. Right now I am realizing that I am going to have to do something soon. As in coming out to people. My breast are still growing and I can't hide them very easily anymore.

When I tell some of the pain I have been thru before I started to transition you might think poor me. But it's more of a story that I have lost it all and rebuilt it all back up. Once again.

It comes back. If you don't give up it, you can come back from losing if you really lose that much. I shielded myself. I only have a SO and only just now starting to let people back in. I never let anybody back in. So I would not lose them. And that was a bad thing. I gave myself no chance for anybody to accept or reject me. Because I did not let anybody into my life to make that choice or not.

As for family. If half of them accept you, you will be better off than me. I already lost all but one. And he will probably say. He suspected. And will say he supports me. But we already never see each other. So meh. And that's before I started to transition.

Now I have all of my wife's family. That is where I go on holidays. And hearing some of their conversations. I am betting they will say they support me when they are actually think WTF. LOL

So to answer your question. My opinion. Stopping will be a mistake. I started and stopped for 2 years. Came back so bad I almost killed myself. My wife still has no clue how close I have come to actually doing it. She is one of those who thinks when someone says they want to die it's just words. I have it all.  If you want to call it that. I have a nice car to drive. A actual house to live in. Money coming in. A better than great wife. I'm starting to make friends again. 3 dogs. And I miss being the man I was. But my mind is working so much better that it ever has. I have normal ups and downs but the way I think is so much better. 3 months is way to soon to decide to stop. Unfortunately you have not given it enough time. I had not even got to my optimal levels at 3 months. I have never had a in real life supporter until now that I am making friends again. If you are basing all this on losing one person(your significant other) I think that will be a mistake. You have to expect it and fight for it not to happen. And if it does you knew it would happen. And if it does not then you scored. So far I have her still here. But it is starting to look like she will be gone by the end. And that means I lose everything again. But I am never going back to the dysphoria hell.
Look I'm babbling. I hope I helped


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Abolutely. I still think of my first wife forty years in the past. Not as much as I used to, now knowing why she left. It's hard to lose a loved one but then I thought, heck there are 5 billion people in the world, There has to be someone who can stand me well enough to put up with me. Well I found her and I am so blessed I did. Thirty five years, two kids and a Grandbaby later she still loves me. And I love her. Maybe more than ever.

Thank you Norma Lynne and Dawn for your words. I'm at peace with myself, and I'm going to continue down this road...I'm keeping a journal of my transition and reading the first entries made me remember why I decided to do this in the first place. As hard as it is, this is me, and I want the real me to come out. I want to be happy. I might lose some things, sure, but I'll gain others.

These 2 weeks were hell, but thank God it passed and I feel so so much better now. My ex is not coming back and honestly, I don't want him to. I feel better now and can think more clearly. I had some drinks last night and surprisingly it also helped me think better. I can't let a freaking breakup make me doubt about myself, especially since the relationship wasn't perfect in the first place and was bound to finish anyways for a bunch of other issues unrelated to transition, it was just a matter of time. I need to remember this so I don't doubt ever again that this is the best thing for me. And for him.

Hang in the babe. It's hard as hell. But we will prevail. Pm anytime. If you need to. That's why we are here.


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