So the past few days, maybe up to a week, since really coming clean with myself that I am without a doubt on the transgender spectrum I've ran into something I'm curious if others have experienced...

Essentially, a week ago if you asked me if I had gender related body dysphoria, I would have said something along the lines of "not really". I've mentioned this in other threads, but my feeling towards my body was something I'd usually classify as indifference, with my feelings towards wanting to be the opposite gender being more of a preference for female rather than a condemnation of being male. But in the past few days I've become increasingly obsessive and distraught about the usual masculine traits in a way that is definitively dysphoria as others have described. I don't mean distraught to the point of causing personal harm or doing something rash or anything, just more of a growing hate/feeling of despair regarding things such as my overabundant body hair or lack of head hair (though that is getting a ton better with treatment) that I don't really remember ever experiencing before even when I was truly depressed. And this seemed to kick in right around the time I could state unambiguously to myself that I am indeed transgender,, as though just the acknowledgement itself was a on switch for these feelings.

Sooo, is this common or...?

 I don't know about common, but after finally getting some counseling for what I took as my simple cross dressing issue, I finally decided, after some 30 years, that I was, in fact, trans.

I've heard someone say, "You can't put toothpaste back in the tube."

I think that about sums it up!

^ Good quote!

Something similar happened with me, Roll. For many years, I acknowledged that there was a female part to me, but never realised it could truly be part of (or indeed the whole of) my identity. I was never bothered about body hair, genitals or anything, and never considered that I might be transgender. Suddenly, a few months ago, I came to the realisation that in fact I was (at least partly), and from that moment had a very unpleasant week of wanting to cry all the time, at every part of me and how wrong it was. However, this calmed down a lot when I started experimenting with clothes and make-up, when I could look myself in the mirror and convince myself I was seeing a woman. Now it comes and goes. Feel free to send me an inbox if you wanna know any more!

L x

I think this is common. It happened to me as well, my body was never really an issue, I mean I had insecurities but didn't hate it. Ironically when I achieved the body type that I thought I always wanted (very muscular) is when I hated it the most because it was putting me further away from looking feminine.

It's like taking the bandage off your eyes. Even if you try to cover them again, you already saw the real you.

Yeah I had something like this too. For me I didn't realize how much of what I felt in my life in particular was all interconnected. While I was in denial I was someone who felt like crap all the time, and oh by the way I would fantasize about becoming a woman from time to time. It wasn't until I realized I was trans and not just a guy with a kink that I realized how intertwined everything was. In fact I had to re-learn how to think. Before I would want to wear skirts, but it was a weird urge bubbling in the back of my mind, once I let it out I thought wanting to wear a skirt in the same way I would think "I want pizza for dinner." That caused a lot of confusion for me. Right now you should do what you need to do to feel comfortable. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, and you have all the time you need.

I think I am experiencing this right now.  Never really felt dislike of my body, other than extra weight.  Just a desire to be a woman - and most of that showed up at night as I let my mind wonder.

These past few weeks and even more these days - every woman I see, has me wanting to be that - and feeling a strong sense of frustration at looking like a linebacker.   I just admitted I might be trans a few days ago. 

Maybe some of it is not excitement per say, but something a long the lines of a new endeavor to wrap myself in??

Would love to know how it goes for you,

Sarah

Wow, everything people are adding just pretty much hit point by point more of what I'm feeling. For instance, losing weight and looking more like I thought I wanted to was sort of my "wait, this is better but something is still fundamentally off" trigger to send me down this path to begin with. I definitely played the nighttime fantasies I hid behind telling myself it was probably just a kink/fetish to myself game. And more and more I find myself just straight up envious of women I see around me.

I wish I could delve into the hair and makeup more as an outlet, but the first is hard to do wile I'm actively trying to fix hair loss, and too scared to have a wig and cosmetics in my amazon history or risk someone opening the package by mistake. Toss in a terrible bathroom situation and I'm kinda screwed on that front. (I'm in an above garage apartment with the bathroom a tiny thing detached downstairs in the middle of a trafficed area, so no privacy there except at 4 am.) In the meanwhile I've been playing with makeup apps actually, but I've been unable to get a decent picture without beard shadow so that's kind of killing it. (Though I did notice I have amazing lips! )

I've been encountering the exact same thing. I switched frominternally identifying as "questioning" to "female" this past week, and suddenly I feel irked by every little reminder that the world at large considers me male. Every little "sir" or "bud" or even well intentioned things like being called a gentleman feel like little painful pinpricks on the inside. A friend suggested that I should grow a mustache and I responded feeling completely disgusted with the notion and a little frustrated that they would think I would want one.

It is occurring to me that throughout my life I have never really wanted to be a man. I didn't think of it that way at the time, I just said that I didn't want to be super masculine. Now I realize that I don't want to be recognized as male at all, and that this has been a fundamental difference between me and every other male I've known. They all had different ideas about what being male meant and how they wanted to define themselves, while I could never come across any concept of being male that felt right to me.

I'm also getting more and more disgruntled with having to change out of my dresses and skirts when I leave the house. I find myself wanting to wear these out, and having to take them off and put guy clothes back on feels like hiding myself. I don't even dislike my shorts and T-shirts, I just dislike feeling obligated to wear them over skirts and dresses.

Roll, now that you've acknowledged not just that you're trans, but that you're female, of course you're going to be more sensitive to misgendering, by both yourself and others, and most of that is going to stem from your embodiment.  That dysphoria was always there, but it was effectively repressed.  Basically, your subconscious waited until you were ready for it.

Ready or not...

I came out to some people over these last couple weeks - a huge weight lifted.  But also the first times where I really cried looking at myself in the mirror and just not seeing there from here.  It feels impossible, but, hey, I'm still here and so are you.

I haven't been crying surprisingly, and I've always been a crier. ("Just look straight ahead, don't let them see that you're crying while watching Tangled... again.") It's just that bottomless pit in my stomach feeling. Which really annoys me, because crying is a pretty good outlet and would be vastly preferable.

I wonder if this does also stem from not just the presence of the issues, but hinges perhaps even more acutely on the realization of the long and expensive road to solve them. Like my eyebrows are pretty bad, but they aren't bothering me because I know that's a simple fix if I were able to do them at the moment. Cost dealing with potential FFS issues, hair removal, transplants if necessary (damn you propecia, work faster), and so forth is becoming an increasing concern while I'm planning ahead, and I might be letting that get to me far too much for where I am in the process. I have to figure out how to pull those thoughts back and take it one day at a time probably.

Ugh, can't believe I still have almost a week until next therapy appointment. Never in a million years thought I'd be looking forward to that so much.

I found this program called Faceapp on my phone which does a gender transition on the face.  And it was really cool seeing a picture of her/me.

  I can't even imagine in my brain my body looking feminine,  but this picture is a nice start.

Okay that app is amazing. The female 1 filter is pretty much my dream come true, and I can even see my face in it enough to think it might actually be possible with HRT/FFS. Though female 2 creeped me out a little bit because I look like a young Hillary Clinton with a touch of Renee Zellwegger.

And wow, some dysphoria definitely kicking in because I hit the "pan" filter just clicking through and the thick beard just sent my stomach intro free fall for a moment. A little too close to home. (Though applying the male filter just made me chuckle, since it was so exaggerated it made me look like Ron Perlman. So from Hillary Rodham Zellweger to Hellboy, that's great.)

Quote from: Roll on September 01, 2017, 11:09:52 AM
Okay that app is amazing. The female 1 filter is pretty much my dream come true, and I can even see my face in it enough to think it might actually be possible with HRT/FFS. Though female 2 creeped me out a little bit because I look like a young Hillary Clinton with a touch of Renee Zellwegger.

And wow, some dysphoria definitely kicking in because I hit the "pan" filter just clicking through and the thick beard just sent my stomach intro free fall for a moment. A little too close to home. (Though applying the male filter just made me chuckle, since it was so exaggerated it made me look like Ron Perlman. So from Hillary Rodham Zellweger to Hellboy, that's great.)

Funny Fem1 looks awful on me,  but 2 is right on and gives me a lot of hope.




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Once i stripped away the denial, the dysphoria kicked in.  For a good 1.5 years i so wished i could go back and take the blue pill, which culminated in some significant depression.  I worked through it and now i accept what i've really always known.  and yes, reading i am
not alone really helps.

on a side, omg i love and hate that app

I'm glad you brought this up!!  I've been wondering this exact same thing lately.  I've become quite dysphonic these last two years, where beforehand I don't remember really noticing it as much.  I think our minds protect ourselves when we are deceiving ourselves.  We're seeing only what we want to see.  Once we've come to accept that we're trans, everything starts to set us off.  One example for me, I started to dislike sex with my wife because I was doing it "as a man" which bothered me greatly...

The other day I was at my pharmacy for something for my plantar fasciitis... I just returned from a medical trip where I saw an endocrinologist, but since I'm in the military I have to wait for my commander to sign off on my hormone treatment.  And so when I was getting my foot medicine I had a moment where I was begging in my head for there to be my hormones put in as well.  Of course they weren't... but it surprised me a little how my thoughts were so desperate.  I was wondering, why now? Why am I so desperate now?

And of course it's just because I'm sick and tired of living in the wrong body.
Good luck to you, OP.
~Love, Ashley

Quote from: KageNiko on September 01, 2017, 12:55:22 PMI've become quite dysphonic these last two years, where beforehand I don't remember really noticing it as much.  I think our minds protect ourselves when we are deceiving ourselves.  We're seeing only what we want to see.  Once we've come to accept that we're trans, everything starts to set us off.

This is a good thread. So much truth. I attended the Gender Odyssey conference in Seattle last weekend, where I gained quite a bit of perspective on who I am. Since then, I've been having a difficult time. I think my 'mental protection filter' has been eroded, leaving me open to fully experience the GD I've been suppressing for years and years. It's liberating, terrifying, depressing, and enlightening.

After starting HRT & being able to get out now and then as Sarah, I get dysphoria really badly when I have to dress male for work. I've never felt GD worse than this before.
The thing that often sets it off though is my voice. I know I don't have a very passable feminine voice yet, but I much prefer it to the deep grumbly voice. If I notice I slipped that far back into that voice, I get really upset. Similarly, if I have to yell or assert authority as a male, I'm hit hard with GD. I had to do this recently when there were some loud & obnoxious teenage boys at my work. I HATED it. Thankfully they listened & calmed down.
When it hits me that hard I have to sit down & take some deep breaths, but it's always still there until I can get home & changed into something normal (feminine).

Wow, I'm definitely becoming more sensitive to things. So with the titular self recognition, I kicked my exercise up a notch (HRT waiting until weight loss done, so more exercise means sooner HRT!) and have been going all out on grooming I never bothered with before (everything from teeth whitening to full body lotion application). This apparently did not go unnoticed. I was talking with my family and something about my increased exercise came up, and someone said (in completely good humor, as they have no idea) "So, who is she?". I didn't even understand the question at first, and must have looked confused, so she said "You're doing (insert laundry list of changes here), so who's the girl?". It had never crossed my mind someone would think that was my motivation, so I just kind of mumbled something unintelligible and ducked around a corner to kind of gather my thoughts for a second because I really wanted to just say "me" (but that would have been the worst timing ever). Finally I managed to call out some line about Amazon causing a chain reaction of cheap product recommendations after I bought one thing and I was getting pulled in by impulse buys, but that single moment I was caught so off guard... I don't even know exactly, it's not like it felt horrible, but it didn't feel good. That an errant comment can throw me so off is a new one for me.