Apparently I made my Susans account today one year ago. For some reason I sometimes think I made it in August :S?
I digress, one year here and oh boy what a difference makes. (warning, the first bit may be triggering and quite honestly not pretty to read but the second bit it where it is at
)
Around September 2nd 2016 I was a hurtin' unit. I knew who I was in my heart but my stubborn brain was so inclined to listen to what society and the negative people were saying. I would sometimes jump the entire gender spectrum in a single day, from being compulsed to being a mans man to being the woman I wanna be to sometimes something in the middle. Now, I realize there are people who do live throughout the spectrum, sometimes in a span of a single day and if they can do it they have my admiration. Me on the hand , that wasnt a safe place. It was actually awful. The power of whatever was in my mind pulling me from my happy place to be what I hated was too powerful. As you all know it was a difficult run. I cried and self harmed. Sometimes my self harm was kinda planned like cutting (which i regret doing) just to pull the pain away and other times it was like a response and happen at random. this incules biting, hair ripping, deep scratching and such. It just happened and I snapped (perhaps as DR said due to irritablity/meltdown as i am on ASD). Also, the only time I could find any happiness was when I was drunk so that became an all too common coping mechenisim. I also began to uncontrolablly vomit and as a result came close to eating entire 3 bricks of butter to both regain weight and form of self harm. I also spent some time in the hospital for suicide ideations and tendencies.
Fast forward a year later:
Life gets better each day. I been doing counselling and unlocking many truths that had been long baried, I been feeling more like myself and more like a woman this year 2017 then any other time in my life, up and including when I admitted I was trans and came out first in 2014. As much as I say I feel more female and am cracking open my true feminine identity I gotta say, gender isnt on my mind as much. Nope, these days thinking about the career I am going to
work towards is much more brain time worthy. I even been thinking of when I do move from Ontario to Manitoba who can I give back. I want to volunteer to the community and help in any of the fine centers they have, be it LGBT, autism, homelessness, blind, ect.. I want to make a difference to those who walked a similar path as myself in some form or to even help and gain the knowledge of someone struggling with an issue I know nothing about (drug, homlessness, ect). Its my time to help!
Now of course, looking and living as the woman I am helps and knowing that in about a year from now I will be getting GRS (fingers crossed) life is moving forward. I have been described as more active. My friends notice a more open and happier girl and even my mom loves seeing her daughter cleaning around the house, mowing the lawn, doing errons out of inititive instead of sulking behind a computer on the bed just giving up and doing things either at home or at work because I have to. Seriously, I am actually doing thing and at work going the extra mile. And being 23, it is well past time these changes happened. Also, for once I have a savings account
!!
I guess... I guess to the new member here, and the ones struggling to find who and where they are on the gender spectrum all I gotta say is give it time. I went from a mess who couldnt hold a 4 hour job to a
woman who is now activley seeking a career, maybe even a higher education. Life is proving to be my oyster! i still have my moments of woe, but it is not an iota what it used to be. I am grounded and reasoned now <3
Much love!
