I've read people say they can't look at old pictures  because they hated who they were or because that person wasn't real. What about the opposite? Has anyone felt they can't look at old pictures because it makes them nostalgic? I'm just starting my process but whenever I see pictures from a few months ago before I started I get this nostalgia and this "awww" in my head thinking I looked so happy and good (even though I know I wasn't 100% happy). It's like seeing a relative that I loved very much, that helped me and protected me and isn't here anymore.


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I feel like my life has been on an upward trajectory for the last 10 years or so, so in response to your question, no, I don't miss the "old" me.  Neither do I hate old pictures of me, though.  Looking back, I sort of feel like I really made a good faith effort at pretending to be a man for many years.  Had I kept at it, I imagined that I'd have been a better one.  But my thoughts on that are shaded by my acceptance of who I really am.  What it really means to me is that as a man, I would have been more like a woman.  In the end, I'm finding that I didn't know anything about how to be a man at all. 

There are quite a few old photos that I like to look at now, that captured important moments in my life.  For a long time, I couldn't even look at them.  I discovered much later that this is known as dysphoria, the same thing that wouldn't allow me to look at myself in the mirror.  Now, I have no trouble checking myself out in a mirror, either. 

I like your thought about "old" me protecting me, as I went through my pupal stage, right? 

Erin

There are some things I miss, like not feeling guilty when I buy flavored lip balm or mascara from the makeup section, but for the most part, not really.

Even though my body dysphoria isn't as bad as many others' might have been, it still existed.  At the time, when I was alone, I liked how my body looked for the most part, but it didn't stop me from often wearing a hoodie in 90F temperatures when I went out in public before I got my first binder.

Hn...now that I think about it, I suppose I DO have a bit of nostalgia about the old me.  But, I feel so much more actual PRIDE in the transitioning me right now.

Thank you for asking such an interesting and thought-provoking question!

Ryuichi

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Q. Do you ever miss the old you?
A. Like a toothache.

But seriously, I do have ambivalent feelings about my old self.  I guess that's part of the magic of being 2 spirit.  I was a fairly attractive guy when I was younger.  But my problem with women was that when they were attracted to me they were attracted to something that I didn't want to be and it always led to feelings of resentment and confusion. 

But I feel like I'm in a pretty good place right now where I have found unity with my past and am finally at peace.  After all there is an old expression, "The child gives birth to the man."  Or in my case. The woman.

Nope. I was miserable, angry, and depressed. I didn't care what I looked like. Except for work, I was almost living as a hermit. It was pretty rare that I actually did anything with the few friends I hadn't pushed away. I avoided any possibility of a relationship for 19 years. Thankfully I had enough willpower to not drink, or I definitely would have been an alcoholic. I actually don't even have pictures of me from anytime before this last June. I've spent years destroying any picture I find of myself & actively avoiding being in any pictures because I hated myself & how I looked.
Now I'm infinitely happier, I go out with friends all the time, and have even made new friends. I'm working on re-connecting with some old friends, too. I'm still not happy having pictures taken of me in male mode, but I'm happy taking pictures of Sarah (though I have to remind myself to do so - it's not a natural habit yet).

Quote from: Janes Groove on September 04, 2017, 10:12:29 AM
Q. Do you ever miss the old you?
A. Like a toothache.

But seriously, I do have ambivalent feelings about my old self.  I guess that's part of the magic of being 2 spirit.  I was a fairly attractive guy when I was younger.  But my problem with women was that when they were attracted to me they were attracted to something that I didn't want to be and it always led to feelings of resentment and confusion. 

But I feel like I'm in a pretty good place right now where I have found unity with my past and am finally at peace.  After all there is an old expression, "The child gives birth to the man."  Or in my case. The woman.

I love your quote "magic of being two-spirit." I have Native American ancestors, and I like how they acceptingly expressed transgender as being "two-spirit". For me, I still enjoy the memories that go with old photos of me or photos with me in them. I see a girl there, especially when I was a little "boy". Seeing girl in them actually is very affirming to me. My spirit-emotions-personality has always been feminine, so I'm not missing anything from my past. We're all different. Isn't that great?

Well I miss the acne-free skin.

Not even slightly. Looking at my old pictures isn't that big of a deal for me. The only real differences are that I was flat chested and didn't wear as much makeup. My facial features weren't as feminine but nothing drastic.

I don't even own baby pics...that part of my life is gone.

NO! Not one little bit. I'm getting ready to move to another state when I retire next year. I plan on purging anything that shows, talks about or points to the old me.

Quote from: NJOttawa on September 04, 2017, 11:37:22 AM
I don't even own baby pics...that part of my life is gone.

I keep no pictures of my past. Lost some in a fire. And the rest when my mom passed and my ex wife left. Easier to move on and live in the present and future. Nothing to look at and dwell on.


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 No, not really.  What made "him" is just me with bits suppressed and a veneer of a persona. I'm still here.

Pictures of the old me don't really resemble how I look now. They're just funny old pictures now.


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There is nothing about the old me that is worth missing. Why would I miss being miserable? I have two photos from back then. One is a baby picture, and one when I was in my Guardian Angels uniform. The latter looks like me, but with a flat chest, and no smile.  I look at them once in a blue moon, if that often.

No, I don't miss the old me.  Not in the sense that I am happy to be rid of him, but because the core of who he was is still with me.  All I have left behind is the dysphoria. 

I am still the same person, albeit in a shell that isn't quite the right shape yet.  I accomplished a lot in my old life, and those accomplishments remain with me.  I had good times and bad; the good times remain as memories.  I am happy to be leaving the bad times behind, but I am not unhappy with who I was.  I like that guy.  He did right by me, keeping me healthy and safe until I was ready to emerge.

I have pictures of the old me that I am proud of.  If this 22-year-old had only known...

I was very worried I would,  but like Kathy,  although I have to admit I'm not the person I was,  my core and values remain the same.

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I don't miss the old me at all! Pretty much from puberty until earlier this year I got more and more depressed as the years went on. I have some good memories, it wasn't all bad but I'm not going to miss myself from those days, especially my college aged me.

I do get nostalgic for my youth though, but I don't think it's gender related, it's more related to being care-free and not having to worry about certain things

Nope, I don't miss how I was before. I haven't even looked back at old photos of me any time recently either. Hugs
Mariah

The "Old Me" is probably a far bigger part of the new me then any newer/upgraded me. Never being much of a "male", never have much self-esteem or self-confidence I sure cannot say being seen as and treated as a female makes me "wish for the good old days".

TBH - I do still live and present primarily as male. My wife has a bit of a different opinion. Even for me, "Male Privileged", especiall within the medical community does carry a bit of weight.

Like how can a argue with a Registered Nurse and knowing what .... biting tongue, idiots doctors can be having been a medical device designer for many many years?

Quote from: Michelle_P on September 04, 2017, 02:25:58 PM...Pictures of the old me don't really resemble how I look now. They're just funny old pictures now.

Sounds about right.

Ryuichi



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I don't miss the old me, but I don't hate him either. 

The temptation when entering a new chapter in one's life is to be overly euphoric about the new and overly critical of the old.  I could not be my best self while living as male, but I still did the best I can with what I had to work with.  And, at times, I was happy.  Not totally happy, but I'm not sure such a state exists, and if it does, I'm not the sort who is likely to realize it.

If my biography is ever written, let it not say that I started living at 40, but rather that I lived two lives...one that I was given and the other that I chose.  May they both be fondly remembered.