I came out as trans to my parents earlier this month. It was the complete opposite of what I expected. My dad who is my best friend took it pretty well actually. He just asked me a bunch of questions and is processing it. He just told me he just wants me to be happy and we played some video games and had a few mixed drinks. A few days went by and I finally came out to my step mom. She didn't take it so well. She thinks I'm a affront towards god. She keeps telling me god made me perfect the way I am. I told her I didn't feel perfect. She goes on about how I could be a model and don't ruin what god made you. I am pretty good looking haha. Anyways it ended in her telling me that I would have to get a new job. I currently work as a IT/Video/Sound guy for my dad. He teaches regional classes. I explained to her out HRT works and she said I can't come into the office as a guy in a dress. Really hurt my feelings because she is my idol/role model. Anyone experience the same thing? They both want me to go see a counselor who they think anti depressants will fix everything. I said I would try it I guess...I'm so confused. I didn't think my mom would be the one to freak out.
PS: I have pretty strong dysphoria and where I use to just look at girl and either say hot or not, now im more looking at what they're wearing and fantasizing. Also my dysphoria has increased a lot since I came out. Especially when I'm around my step mom.  Also to clarify I'm not on hrt.

Quote from: RachelC on September 04, 2017, 03:03:24 PM
I came out as trans to my parents earlier this month. It was the complete opposite of what I expected. My dad who is my best friend took it pretty well actually. He just asked me a bunch of questions and is processing it. He just told me he just wants me to be happy and we played some video games and had a few mixed drinks. A few days went by and I finally came out to my step mom. She didn't take it so well. She thinks I'm a affront towards god. She keeps telling me god made me perfect the way I am. I told her I didn't feel perfect. She goes on about how I could be a model and don't ruin what god made you. I am pretty good looking haha. Anyways it ended in her telling me that I would have to get a new job. I currently work as a IT/Video/Sound guy for my dad. He teaches regional classes. I explained to her out HRT works and she said I can't come into the office as a guy in a dress. Really hurt my feelings because she is my idol/role model. Anyone experience the same thing? They both want me to go see a counselor who they think anti depressants will fix everything. I said I would try it I guess...I'm so confused. I didn't think my mom would be the one to freak out.
PS: I have pretty strong dysphoria and where I use to just look at girl and either say hot or not, now im more looking at what they're wearing and fantasizing. Also my dysphoria has increased a lot since I came out. Especially when I'm around my step mom.  Also to clarify I'm not on hrt.

My mom didnt take it well, but my siblings did, they knew I was trans, only YOU can decide how to live your life, you have to do whatever it takes to make YOU happy, not other people, it will take a while for them to understand, but eventually hopefully she will.

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Quote from: RachelC on September 04, 2017, 03:03:24 PMShe keeps telling me god made me perfect the way I am. I told her I didn't feel perfect.

The proper response to that is that God made you trans, and He doesn't make mistakes.

Quote
Anyways it ended in her telling me that I would have to get a new job. I currently work as a IT/Video/Sound guy for my dad.

As I just posted in another thread, I just started working as a sound tech for a theatre company, and they were happy to have me.  There is no reason why a woman can't work sound, and trans or cis makes no difference.  You'll just have to start calling yourself "sound girl" in stead of "sound guy".

People who already have a strong opinion on transgender people due to religious beliefs tend to have the most difficulty when a close family member comes out as trans. This is normal.

If their religious beliefs are also steeped in love and compassion for others, they may very well warm up to you with time.  However if their personal relationship with religion is mostly about tradition and dogma, it's going to be much more difficult to reconcile.

Criticism and rejection are 2 things you have to get used to in this road. And learn how to develop a thick skin. Btw, I sent you a PM.


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Hi RachelC, you came out and it's for the best. And maybe your mom is right, you'll be better off working for someone else but your dad. Start looking for other employment, who would be ok with your gender presentation. On another hand, your parents know now about you and cannot hold you back. In time they will get used to your new image, unless you get scared and cave back now... I would encourage you to never go back, you already been there


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I wonder what the consequences of your dad being ok with it and your step mom is not? Sounds like she runs the joint...judging from her reaction, I have my doubts that she'll ever come around. I feel sorry for her more than anyone else in this.


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Much love and support your way, Rachel!!! I'm a blogger, and I write a monthly column on spirituality and religion as it relates to our transgender community in particular and the LGBTQ community in general. This month the title is "God Made Us This Way." Private message me if you'd like the link to it. I think you'll like it in light of what your step-mom is saying about you. 

Tommie

Hi Rachel =) Thanks for sharing. My first reaction upon reading your post was that your mom sounds pretty awful, but then I remembered - a few of the things you mentioned her saying, are actually similar to the things that my mum said when I first started talking to her about my being trans. Not the daft god bit, but she said things like "You need to warn us if you're gonna come home wearing a dress" and "Who will want to be with you if you're transgender?" and "But you ARE a man, I know it" (I paraphrase! But this was the gist). The thing is, I was massively disappointed with her at first, but it was essentially just shock after all these years of having a son, and no signs of the contrary; concern for my wellbeing (because transition is traumatic and can be dangerous); and essentially wanting me to be happy long-term. Cut to a few weeks later, and we've had several conversations about my transition plans, she's taken me shopping for clothes and make-up, etc. We've still a way to go before she really gets used to the idea of me becoming a woman, but we'll get there.

Sooo.......with all that being said. Your mom should come round. You and your dad can batter down her defences together. =D

L x

Yes, see a therapist. A good gender therapist, trans positive person. I do. You might also luck out on a family and relationships therapist, I did, but I asked if they were LGBT friendly and that was awesome. But I really benefited by seeing a therapist that is a gender therapist, and they have worked with trans people before, have written letters for HRT, etc. I say this even if hormones are not part of your trans timeline. I think it is better that way because they will be an experienced guide by your side. Good luck dear!


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Hello Rachel, thank you for joining Susan's and for your first post.

I am MTF mid 50's in the Seattle area.  Coming out to my parents was one of the most difficult steps in my transition - in fact one of the most difficult things I have ever faced.  Each of us has unique situations but I've found it so helpful to be able to discuss things with others who have already gone through the same things or are about to.  You will also find in the Coming Out forum people discovering who their true friends are, and in many cases developing far stronger relationships than they thought possible. 

I started seeing a gender therapist in May of this year and wish I had done so much earlier. 

I moved your post into the Coming Out forum - I hope you don't mind.  When you get the chance, if you can introduce yourself in the Introductions Forum that would be great.  Lots of people here would like to meet you, we all have so much in common.

We always provide additional information to new members and I will add it here for you.  This will explain when you can send or reply to Private Messages, update your avatar if you want, etc. 

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Rachel, great to see you here!  All the best,

Kendra

Whenever anyone points out God made us/everything perfect... free will aside. What about the Duck Billed Platypus? A seemingly collection of "What do I do with this bit" by a bunch oh angels having a wee bit too much of the grape 

For the deeply religious, like your stepmom, ask her this: If you had been born with a curved spine, a cleft palate, a heart defect or any other birth defect, would it be right in the eyes of God to fix you? To me we are born 'different', for me it's a birth defect. The only thing 'male' about me is about 1 foot of my lower body. Some of us are more physically male than others but we all have the FEMALE brain. Yes our brain is women's not men's. That's why we drive men nuts when they talk to us! Also ask her to put herself in your shoes, would she like to live as a man? Tell her you will only if she will!

TBH  - I mostly abhor that whole "birth defect" thing. In the abstract, yes, it is true. Our bodies, or how we perceive our True Selves are not quite in agreement with the reality on the ground

IMO - I spent a good 50 years BARELY loosing the "I Am DEFECTIVE" attitude towards myself. In the grand scheme of things being the sort of TG I am, has given me a great deal of insight and empathy on both sides of the Gender Divide. Having been a chameleon, having had a fair amount of female and male friends I know of their pains, their angst. I can easily say X is defective because they haven't a clue how Y thinks or feels or visa-versa. I can easily bash guys, almost as easily as I can bash women.

Just as with the Duck Billed Platypus, various creatures that live in volcanic vents thousands of fathoms underwater on sulfuric acid rich water, or even the loveable penguine, we are all different, and here for for some "Grand" purpose. As much as I have regretfully agreed with me being an abomination.... I also came to recognize the folly of thinking I know better then God

My GP tried anti depressants when I first started having panic attacks.  She also tried beta blockers, tranquilizers, and anti anxiety meds.  I tried sports, hobbies, six different churches in three different religions and "Christian therapy."  I tried everything I could think of to continue being a man.  I wanted to be a man.  I was good looking, charismatic, popular, well liked.  I had a beautiful wife, great kids, a good career.  I could no longer be a man because the panic attacks were tearing me apart and the irregular heartbeats were threatening to kill me.

Nothing worked -- except gender transition.  And you know what?  I had no belief in God before transition.  I could walk into the most beautiful, inspiring church and surround myself with believers and I felt nothing-- until after I started hormonal transition.  Then I felt a hunger to be close to God that I never felt before in my life.  I could not see God when I was not myself.  I see Him everywhere now that I am.

Quote from: JoanneB on September 04, 2017, 08:15:56 PM
Whenever anyone points out God made us/everything perfect... free will aside. What about the Duck Billed Platypus? A seemingly collection of "What do I do with this bit" by a bunch oh angels having a wee bit too much of the grape 

I just take the tack that we're just another natural/normal expression of the human condition that's been going on as long as we can remember. No use falling into the appeal to authority fallacy.


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How people react when you come out is totally unpredictable. My mom is not very accepting. With her it wasn't religion,  it was being embarrassed and worrying what people would think. My dad is totally supportive and actually he's  the one who started my transition. He took me to a gender therapist and gave parental consent for me to start hrt. But because he's the stereotypical manly guy, was in the marines, is now a cop,etc, I was sure he wouldn't accept having a trans child. You just never know how someone is going to react.

As for the whole birth defect thing, I don't consider being trans a birth defect. I think it's just a different ,though very unfortunate brain configuration. My mother has never let me forget that I AM defective. I have albinism which is a genetic defect. When I came out as trans my mother said I was albino and now trans also and she must have been exposed to radiation or something when she was pregnant with me to have caused me to be so messed up. But I don't see being trans as being messed up. It's just being different.

Sorry friends I've been having a rough week. I want to say thanks for being a very supportive community. I have a therapy appointment soon for depression. Don't think I'm going to say anything to her about this yet. I...I'm super confused lol.

Sorry to edit post. I am super nervous. Sorry!!

Maybe if u tell the therapist u can gain an ally?

Hello Rachel,

I can see how having your transgender exploration discovered by one of your parents added to stress for you and for them.  But one thing I am certain of: people who are not medical professionals should not be making a diagnosis for medications.  I believe that applies to you, and also to your parents if they not doctors.  I am not trying to sound like a nag, this is my way of saying you really should keep your doors open. (Not literally - yeah maybe shut the door to your room.)   Your parents are important, they each love you in their own way and want what they believe is the best for you.  But neither of them spent a decade in medical school and a medical internship. 

Alcohol can seem like a lot of fun.  I know.  I had my last drink in 2003.  If I did not stop at that point I am 100% convinced I would not be here today.  I would be dead now and probably would have died during my 40s as some of my friends did.  I'll never know what opportunities I missed during those years and I am puzzled at how I kept my job, but I am thankful for what I have today.  The reason my previous drinking is relevant is - in earlier years I did not believe I had any problems with it.  Turns out my drinking covered up some basic issues I needed to fix.  I really wish I had met with a skilled professional on these topics at your age.  I hope you will spend quality time with your behavioral psychiatrist - please explain to them your true feelings.  They are probably very familiar with gender issues, but if they are not you should ask them for a referral.

Based on what I have experienced, things that are rewarding in the long run are the most fun - by far.  I hope you can enjoy the best opportunities in your future.  It's up to you.

Kendra