Hello everyone, my name's Mathias and I'm pretty sure I'm a trans guy... you might be able to tell I still have quite a bit of doubt involved and I think it's because I'm scared. This may sound completely contradictory, but it honestly feels like one side of me has made up my mind and the other is still holding on to some hope that I can keep ignoring how I've felt. But that's just it--at this point I feel like if I don't address how I feel about my gender, I'll just be ignoring it and it'll end up coming back. That's not resolving anything.

I first thought I was trans when I was twelve, again when I was fifteen, and now at nineteen dysphoria is really hitting and looming over me like never before. During my summer break I really hit a peak in, well, transphobia. I said and believed things that weren't very nice at all. Once I learned more about being trans I calmed down and now I am here. So far I have asked a close friend of mine from my hometown to call me by my new name and pronouns, granted he is having a difficult time remembering but I understand and I know he is supportive.

I currently attend university and have a great circle of friends here that I was thinking of asking to use different name and pronouns. I'm not particularly worried about their reactions but I am concerned about how much the word will end up spreading... I had a bit of a nasty breakup with someone, partly due to what I previously said about trans people. We have no contact now and I'm probably worrying about it more than I should, but we go to the same school and I'm still feeling a lot of shame/embarrassment.

I know there are therapists on campus that I can talk to and I think they are also able to focus on gender. I will have to double check, but that is my next step.

It's nice to meet you all and I hope I can learn more during my time here Thank you for reading!

Hello Mathias
Nice to meet you.


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Hi!!!!
    Welcome!!!! Initially all of us have this inner conflict for various reasons. We conflict within ourselves that we can't do this and yes the other side has already made up it's mind. You are doing it a great way just exploring you and getting help. As well as taking your time. Take things one step at a time there is no right or wrong way to transition. I have heard a variety of ways on here. In the end it is what makes us fulfilled and happy. This is all about us a people and recognizing who we are on the inside. A song on my playlist that touched me just the other day, has the lyrics like this by 3 doors down
"I'm not supposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes"

It goes on but, it feels so appropriate for what all of us are going through. So welcome!!! Feel free to get comfortable and pull up a seat!!!

Hi Mathias!

I can definitely relate to what you are saying. A large part of me is certain that I am a trans girl, while another part of me doesn't want that to be true. On the one hand I have always wanted to be a girl throughout my life, and I know that my long term happiness is tied to these feelings. On the other, I know how difficult it will be to transition. The amount of effort, money, and social difficulty involved is staggering, and it makes me want to just keep on dealing with how things are now. Based on everything I have read this is a very common place for most trans people to be.

I originally had a negative opinion of trans people due to having very little understanding of them and to social pressures from the community around me and society at large. I thought that people who wanted to change their sex/gender were freaks or mentally impaired, something I am ashamed of ever having felt now. Even worse, when I started to recognize my own trans feelings I began applying those descriptors to myself and went through some serious depression. After years of denial, suppression, self-hatred, and these feeling resurfacing over and over I finally have come to accept and even embrace them however. I know now that I need to be honest with myself and to decide how I feel from an informed viewpoint, not a biased, narrow-minded one.

This site has been a great resource to me, especially reading through other people's stories, whether they are MtF or FtM, or even somewhere in between. I think talking to a therapist and to trusted friends is a fantastic first step! Remember that coming to a full understanding of who you want to be can take a very long time, so don't be distraught when things don't necessarily get better overnight.

Once again, welcome!

- Lin (I'm still exploring names but I have been liking this one lately.)

Welcome Mathias!

Living in denial is common. Then your gender identity comes back and bites you hard in the back. Listen to yourself.

I have also lived in doubt. I am 40 and have recently (a year ago) started my journey to be myself. I wish so much I'd done this when I realized I am a guy. That was about 35 years ago.

But it is never too late to become yourself.

I realized there was a word. Trans gender. 10 years ago. I went in total denial and tried to be the perfect woman I was born to be. Yeah right. That made me crash hard. I was in psyche ward for 6 months. Then I understood you can't outrun yourself.

Tony

Nice to meet you, Mathias!

Hey, Mathias , I see that you are new here. So please let me say, Welcome To Susan's Place! Come on in and take a good look around.  Perhaps I can even get you to hop on over to the Introductions Thread and create a post to tell us a little bit more about yourself so we can get to know you a little better and greet you properly.

   I can't say I know anything about bein  a transgender male so I best not offer you any advice and leave that up to the ftm folks here. But do come in and be at home.

  Also I'll add some links and information below that can help you get more out of our site.

Laurie
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Hi Mathias 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Mathias!

Ah, that good old dissonance I've become so well acquainted with. It isn't contradictory at all, but a defense mechanism for dealing with something that can be pretty scary. I envy those who had such absolute certainty from an early age.

Howdy Mathias!

First of all, I just want to say, hard to believe, some of the worst transphobia is by transgender people themselves, because it can be REALLY hard to accept yourself.  So even if all that transphobic crap comes out of the woodwork to haunt you if/when you decide to socially transition, so what?  You kick those things to the curb and say, 'Hey, that's past me.  I don't think that way anymore.  I said those things because I was afraid to accept myself.  And now I realize that was wrong to say them. Am I still afraid?  Sure.  We all have fear of new things, things we have to go through.  Everyone is afraid of change somehow.  But... I'm choosing to face my fears now.'

You think it sounds crazy, contradictory, but the truth of the matter is, that battle you have in your self, its SOOOOOOOOOOOO common.  I STILL am dealing with it despite realizing a year ago this was something I had to face head on.  Like the past few weeks, I've hated myself more than I've ever felt in such a long time.  Wanted to go back to just being a girl.  But the truth is, I've never been a girl.  For twenty some odd years, I've KNOWINGLY fought to be a girl, instead of letting myself be that guy that's holed up in my head trying to break free from his cage.

For years, that self imprisoned in my head has said, 'Rowena, stop torturing yourself. Just be you.'
'But I can't.  Everyone expects me to be female.  I have to wear dresses to dances, makeup when I dress up, I have to act feminine.  That tie sits and hangs in my closet worn only a few times in the privacy of my own room, and never in public, because I was born with a hooha and grew pillows on my chest.  Occasionally I get that stupid curse that's supposed to come monthly...'
FINALLY though that voice telling me to be the man I am inside and that my body tries so hard to be is winning out though.  Its hard, but its a journey worth taking.  And you're right, if you don't confront the dysphoria and the battling genders in your head, that uncertainty will always be there, and you're gonna get a face full of dysphoria over and over and over again.  And it only gets worse the longer you hold on....

SOOOO long story shortened now... Welcome aboard the train, join us for the ride, and we will do our best to make sure you have someone to help you out here when you need it.  And we're always good to help you get out of your own head... Or something like that.

Hello Mathias and welcome!

I am MtF but can relate to quite a few things you wrote.  If you are about to check if your college has therapist resources that's awesome - go for it!  I think you are on the right track and asking great questions. 

Sorry to hear you had to deal with a nasty breakup, that is never easy.  My point of view for my own transition is - if anyone has a negative reaction to my transition and convinces anyone else I am doing something wrong, they just helped free up my time.  Less time wasted with random people so I can focus on my true friends and enjoy life. 

Kendra

Hey Mathias!

Welcome!

I'm FTM, 47 and only recently realized I was transgender male. I was just not aware that there was a way of transitioning. I never tried to be female, I was just me: masculine female, lesbian. But it never felt right. In my head I knew I was male but for fear of being labelled somewhat insane for thinking that, I just kept it to myself and limped along with my dysphoria.

I can tell you for sure, the dysphoria never stops. I endured 47 ( well, maybe 35 years of it since I happily lived as a boy until puberty hit me in the face....!). I've started living on T, at the ripe old age of 47. Life is beautiful on this side.

Welcome, aboard sailor! You are embarking on an amazing journey of freedom, discovery, some sea sickness, but that's par of the course