I'm curious as to opinions on this... so here is the scenario...

(Sorry if this phrased awkwardly, I'm trying to be succinct without leaving anything out that may matter to the decision.)

I am only really just getting started in this process, and at the earliest (assuming I maintain the courage) I probably won't be starting HRT until at least the beginning of next year, as I need to drop more weight(between evacuating tomorrow from a hurricane stress plus the upcoming holidays, that will be a challenge). But meanwhile, I'm starting to feel isolated even around family, walking around with this hanging over my head. My living situation is awkward, as I am 35 but had to move in with my dad a few years ago. The household also consists of my step mother, a semi-disabled adult step brother, and high school age sister.

So, I've been really feeling the urge to come out and tell my dad about what I'm going through. He's in his 70s and on the conservative side(religious but not enough to go to church every Sunday), though he is also a psychiatrist (as is my step mother) who has most certainly dealt with a number of transgender patients, and a compassionate if reserved person. I think it might be painful for him to hear, but I don't expect a blatantly negative response. Though I do also fear that his work may have him predisposed to a somewhat dire view of being transgender, as he primarily deals with extreme cases with crisis centers and major psych wards. (In other words, he sees the worst of the worst.) He is also already aware of a few incidents as a kid (caught cross dressing :x), so he'll at least have to admit it didn't just suddenly come out of nowhere.

So considering I'm still probably half a year out from doing anything major like HRT, would it be premature to come out to him? I have a fear that I'll tell him, things will get awkward (which is quite likely even though I picture him being accepting, he gets flustered easily when my sister pushes his buttons by joking about being a lesbian), and then I'll chicken out and not go through with anything on top of it. That would be unbearable to me. Also, I am moving out summer of next year regardless, so if I were to wait and there was intense awkwardness it at least wouldn't be for long. On the other hand, if I tell him early he may be willing to help me financially with things like therapy, but I don't want to let money be my motivation for telling him.

I'm really torn on this, because emotionally I feel the need to tell someone but intellectually I know that nothing can be gained (setting aside therapy payments) from doing it this early (and much can be lost, even if it just a normal day to day interaction).

(To give an idea how much this is weighing on me, I'm evacuating from Hurricane Irma 8 am tomorrow morning but I'm awake posting this. )

Can you cautiously test the waters by starting a casual discussion about the issue of transgender people and see what his response would be? And then push the boundaries from there if it seems safe, and ask what his view would be if a close relative came out as transgender ( at that point he might become suspicious, so be careful )

That would be my approach.

Roll,

You have a plan for dealing with Hurricane Irma, so make a plan for your situation with your family. No need to rush anything, just take it as the opportunities present themselves.

I too, had to leave Miami because of Irma. I am sitting here in Kissimmee for the next few days. Feel free to PM me if you want to.

Quote from: Dan on September 08, 2017, 02:03:03 AM
Can you cautiously test the waters by starting a casual discussion about the issue of transgender people and see what his response would be? And then push the boundaries from there if it seems safe, and ask what his view would be if a close relative came out as transgender ( at that point he might become suspicious, so be careful )

That would be my approach.

The waters have already been tested by my sister trying to mess with him for the most part I feel like. Like if he says something about "when you find a guy to marry", she will always respond "why's it gotta be a guy? Would you disown me?" (purely to be mischievous). He gets flustered but his response is a quiet "you're my child and I love you no matter what". So not hostile in the slightest, but definitely uncomfortable with the general topic. I think this applies pretty readily to the trans aspect as well. I don't know how to get more specific into that without really giving it away though.

In general I think he doesn't understand the issue, at least on a personal level outside the clinical bubble. My approach would be one that lays it out fairly clinically because of this, like "you know I had 'symptom' a, b, and c, well I also had x, y, and z, and that equals transgender". I believe he'd be loving about it, but completely unsure how to deal with it (he was always bad about dealing with family issues the way he would tell patients to deal with theirs, but then that's par for the course with doctors in general). That would lead to the dreaded awkwardness (which I know given many people's experiences, awkwardness is probably a pretty damn desirable response).

If i can shake him out of his happy ignorance I know he knows that deep down something is up with me, but I believe he has blinders on willfully. (For instance, when dealing with anxiety issues as a kid, he once arbitrarily decided it must be something physical with stomach problems instead. Cancelled one hard to get appointment I had at the last second, which I can't quite remember what it was but was definitely more anxiety/emotional issue related, and instead took me over to do some upper GI scans. Fun incident that contributed to later divorce. He was even well aware of family anxiety issues, he just sort of refused to acknowledge it for some reason.)

(And telling someone else first isn't really an option. My step-mother just isn't the sit down and share your feelings kind of person, which is weird because she won some awards for early therapy work. My step-brother is a good friend but there are other issues there I don't think it'd be right. I'd love to tell my sister, but I refuse to burden her right now because she has so many issues of her own shes trying to deal with.)

Quote from: Dani on September 08, 2017, 06:48:38 AM
Roll,

You have a plan for dealing with Hurricane Irma, so make a plan for your situation with your family. No need to rush anything, just take it as the opportunities present themselves.

I too, had to leave Miami because of Irma. I am sitting here in Kissimmee for the next few days. Feel free to PM me if you want to.

Plan for a hurricane while living on a barrier island? Never! Wild packing at the last minute is the way to go!

Anywho... I feel like I have a decent plan so to speak, it's the timing of putting the plan into action that I am torn over. Plus just a healthy dose of telling-people-is-scary thrown in.

I hope everything works out okay for you down there with Irma though. I've never been this nervous about a hurricane before, and Miami probably had it worse than I will. (They always juuuuuuuuuust miss me because of the curve of the GA coast, and I'm tucked into the corner. But this thing is just huge, so...)

How about a moderated support group?  I gather that therapy is an expense you are not yet able to afford, but there is value in talking through your experience, hearing yourself, and being heard.  Meeting other trans folk face to face is also, IMO, the best way to get over transphobia.

Quote from: rmaddy on September 08, 2017, 09:49:14 AM
How about a moderated support group?  I gather that therapy is an expense you are not yet able to afford, but there is value in talking through your experience, hearing yourself, and being heard.  Meeting other trans folk face to face is also, IMO, the best way to get over transphobia.

I can afford therapy in terms of available funds, it just eats heavily into funds I'm trying not to touch as much as possible because I still have more schooling I need it to last through. Unfortunately, there are no support groups in the area I'm aware of. Not much of anything in the area.

Quote from: Roll on September 08, 2017, 12:13:53 AM
I'm curious as to opinions on this... so here is the scenario...

(Sorry if this phrased awkwardly, I'm trying to be succinct without leaving anything out that may matter to the decision.)

I am only really just getting started in this process, and at the earliest (assuming I maintain the courage) I probably won't be starting HRT until at least the beginning of next year, as I need to drop more weight(between evacuating tomorrow from a hurricane stress plus the upcoming holidays, that will be a challenge). But meanwhile, I'm starting to feel isolated even around family, walking around with this hanging over my head. My living situation is awkward, as I am 35 but had to move in with my dad a few years ago. The household also consists of my step mother, a semi-disabled adult step brother, and high school age sister.

So, I've been really feeling the urge to come out and tell my dad about what I'm going through. He's in his 70s and on the conservative side(religious but not enough to go to church every Sunday), though he is also a psychiatrist (as is my step mother) who has most certainly dealt with a number of transgender patients, and a compassionate if reserved person. I think it might be painful for him to hear, but I don't expect a blatantly negative response. Though I do also fear that his work may have him predisposed to a somewhat dire view of being transgender, as he primarily deals with extreme cases with crisis centers and major psych wards. (In other words, he sees the worst of the worst.) He is also already aware of a few incidents as a kid (caught cross dressing :x), so he'll at least have to admit it didn't just suddenly come out of nowhere.

So considering I'm still probably half a year out from doing anything major like HRT, would it be premature to come out to him? I have a fear that I'll tell him, things will get awkward (which is quite likely even though I picture him being accepting, he gets flustered easily when my sister pushes his buttons by joking about being a lesbian), and then I'll chicken out and not go through with anything on top of it. That would be unbearable to me. Also, I am moving out summer of next year regardless, so if I were to wait and there was intense awkwardness it at least wouldn't be for long. On the other hand, if I tell him early he may be willing to help me financially with things like therapy, but I don't want to let money be my motivation for telling him.

I'm really torn on this, because emotionally I feel the need to tell someone but intellectually I know that nothing can be gained (setting aside therapy payments) from doing it this early (and much can be lost, even if it just a normal day to day interaction).

(To give an idea how much this is weighing on me, I'm evacuating from Hurricane Irma 8 am tomorrow morning but I'm awake posting this. )

He might say what took you so long


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I would tell your dad at the next good opportunity when you don't have other things to deal with.  He might react badly but I really doubt it based on your description.  It's quite possible he will suddenly understand many things he has found unsettling and have much greater repsect for you.  I went through that when I came out to my parents.

If you you don't want him to associate your true self with more severe clinincal cases he has dealt with it's best to avoid framing the conversation in clinical terms.  Tell him from your heart.  Or write a letter, daughter to father.  Write the letter by hand - that's pretty unusual these days and a nice touch.  Remind him of little and big things he has done that you appreciate.  Tell him what your goals are.  He sounds great to me, and any great parent wishes for their child to have the best possible future.