I've been toiling over my gender identity crisis for years. I've spent countless hours online researching and just thinking about the pursuit of Hormone Replacement Therapy as a means to achieve the body and life I want for myself. Despite this I have, until now, been fairly clear headed and wholly rational about the ordeal. I always made plans to ensure my transition is as safe and drama free as possible. But the time for that has passed. I am now approaching that impending age; that age when I am supposedly done with puberty; that age when my pelvis loses the potential to blossom; and ironically, the age when I can see a doctor for HRT without my parents knowing or being involved. I've missed many chances over the years and it's all been pretty dumb in hindsight.
Initially, I was one of the lucky ones. I began to grasp my gender identity at a younger age than most. I was 14 years old, in 9th maybe 10th grade when my friend since middle school came out as pansexual.
"what? are you saying you're into pans?"
"no it mean I like everything"
"...what? what does that mean?"
With such a poor explanation to go on, I employed the great god that is the internet. Through YouTube I learned all about this new wave of gender theory. A realm consisting mostly of poorly thought out rubbish that I embarrassingly fell head over heels for. But, it wasn't all bad. I somehow stumbled across a very attractive teenage "trans experience" type vlogger. Today I have no idea who the hell she is. I cannot fin her videos, but I know that her vlogs are the underlying catalyst of my awakening.
I said I was lucky for being so young, but actually I was REALLY lucky. At 14 (and still at 15 too) I showed barely any signs of Puberty. Other than some pubic hair and a slightly deepened voice, I was golden. Realizing that I had potential to look female, I became determined to transition. I told myself that I would, some time soon, come out to my parents and transition. The idea of getting blockers was the most important part for me. Unfortunately the arrow of time flew it's course, and I continuously put off coming out. I kinda sorta maybe came out to one of my friends. She saw this embarrassing picture I drew and managed to come to the conclusion that I was gender fluid or trans.I never meant to come out to her, in fact I had just met her. I didn't want to lie so I admitted it. Luckily she was very supportive and I actually learned that her older sister is trans. I'm unsure now today, because I still havn't transitioned, and we havn't talked about it in a very long time. I'm sure she just thinks it was a phase.
Since I was always putting off the big "coming out" thing, I decided to search for other methods of blocking my masculine hormones. I started drinking spearmint green tea. 3-4 cups every single day. this seemed to work, but was still severely limited compared to pharmaceutical strength drugs. I was very happy with my appearance at one point when I had my hair straightened for a year. since I am an African American, having straightened hair makes me look almost instantly passable. There was a time when the only thing standing between me and being totally passable was my voice. people in public would actually mistake me for a female and it felt really good. This was going well for me for a long time, but I cut my hair off when I turned 17.
I wanna look nice and handsome so that this girl will like me. Then my happiness can be completely dependent on this girl who I will probably never see again after this year." Yeah so at this point I was a high school senior. I cut my hair short and let my facial hair grow for the first time ever. (still can't grow a full beard tho. lol) everything has gone downhill from there. after letting my facial hair grow out so I shaved with a razor. ever since then I have been plagued with ingrown hairs, and as a result, painful shaving. I also don't wash my face as often because the ingrown hairs make that painful too so my skin doesn't look as nice and feminine. my voice has also gotten deeper now. . why. like, I'm not even as masculine looking as any of my friends or siblings, and yet they all say I have the deepest voice now.
So now I'm just really bugging. I'm almost 18 and I learned that ~18-25 is when the hips fuse meaning my hips wont be able to achieve that rightfully glorified status of being quite honest. I don't want my hips to grow up to be deviant scoundrels, who steal and cheat on exams to get by in life. My proposed solution to my nightmares is to order some pills that will hopefully have some HRT-like effects.
I'd like to do HRT, but I am not yet 18, I still haven't come out to my family, and I don't have a real job to pay for HRT. Honestly, I'm not even worried that my parents wouldn't support me. My most rational worry is that my parents will feel obligated to pay for me to get therapy and HRT and I really don't wanna do that right now since they are not doing to well financially as compared to when I was younger. They already pay for college for my brother and I, what more could I ask. actually, my mom asked if I was trans once. I said "no". I hope I was convincing. IM NOT GAY THO. I may be trans, but I still like girls. I don't wanna have anything to do with guys (in a romo-sexual context that is).
Really sorry this story lost all organization as I went on. Like I said, I am casually freaking out, slightly sleep deprived, slightly caffeine dependent, and also I have HW due in a couple of hours. but that's not so bad. college seems easier than high school so far.
I'm also scared of how my friends will treat me when I start to show clear signs of
transitioning.as I still can't be sure how they will react. I'm hoping that if things go south with them, I will be able to befriend the more liberal friend group at my college that went to my high school. I spoke with them sometimes and at least one of them seems to like me alright. but I have social anxiety, so it will be really hard to make new friends.
OKAY. THE END. GOOD NIGHT
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