No other way to say, I just hate what I'm going through. I hate being trans, hate the fact that I'm not happy being a male, I wish I was..."normal". The worst part is that ever since I started therapy and even HRT (which I've now suspended) it's like I'm more aware of being trans, it also doesn't help that I pretty much came out to everybody. So this is the moment when I've been closer to transitioning but now I'm backing out. I lost my relationship, my looks, I hate it. It's like I can't move forward cuz I'm scared but if I go back EVERYONE already knows what's in my head...So I can't even fake being a gay man anymore, they won't look at me the same way. I feel like I ruined my life

Just venting...

It's safe to vent here. That's why I'm glad I found this site. Doubts are normal. It's good to let this stuff bubble to the surface, but don't beat yourself up. Many good vibes being sent your way.

I hate being trans too. I hate that some things are so easy for cis girls but are a total nightmare for me. I hate that I have to depend on the kindness of people who know I'm trans. I hate that I will be chained to a estrogen vial the rest of my life. And i hate how tiring being trans is.  But going back to being an androgynous gay boy would be 10 worse. One thing that helps me cope with everything I hate about being trans is the fact that I just don't have any other choice. Going back is just not possible for me. I would rather be dead.

Quote from: Julia1996 on September 06, 2017, 11:29:31 AM
I hate being trans too. I hate that some things are so easy for cis girls but are a total nightmare for me. I hate that I have to depend on the kindness of people who know I'm trans. I hate that I will be chained to a estrogen vial the rest of my life. And i hate how tiring being trans is.  But going back to being an androgynous gay boy would be 10 worse. One thing that helps me cope with everything I hate about being trans is the fact that I just don't have any other choice. Going back is just not possible for me. I would rather be dead.

No you wouldn't. Dead is final. Dead means there is no tomorrow. Having been in the position to face death every day because of my heart disease, I have survived and have been blessed with a wonderful family, So I have enjoyed it both ways. My kids mean everything. But my urning for change has always been there. Therefore I have kept secrets from family and friends. I wish there were options when I was young. It was seremdipity that I came to visit SusansPlace and have learned so much. The mere fact we are able to discuss our grievences, our successes, I hope by the time you are my age that you realize you are a beacon for those to come. An example of courage. an example of insight that is so valuable to the community. Don't give up. You are loved by all who read your posts.

Yes, being transgender is a curse.  It sucks.  You have to work so much harder and endure so much more pain just to get to the same starting point in life as anyone else.

Which is why I never understood why some people say that they're proud to be transgender.  How can you be proud of being born with a curse/defect such as this?  I mean, I understand gay pride - they are saying that there is nothing wrong with them and they are fine just as they are.  But trans pride?  I don't get it.  I am not fine as I am.  There are many things wrong with me, which is why I need HRT and surgery.

I hate it, but also knew I was trans.  The more I denied it, the more I hated it, and the more i tried to stay away and avoid the GD.  I went years self medicating denying, trying to not be trans, only to repeat over and over.  Like you it made dating and relationships difficult, well impossible for me.  At least right now, I'm starting to accept that I am trans and to go ahead with transition.  Once I did that, it was like being free.  I know it's painful to accept.  I spent decades not accepting.  Don't worry about your looks.  I was a nice looking boy myself, yet that still caused me grief knowing my partners liked my boyness.  I could stop and go back to boy mode, as I've done so many times, however I KNOW in a few months or year, I will hate myself for it.  I'm sticking to HRT even though it's made me very awkward.  I'm a weird pale reflection of a man currently.  I am not what my avatar is, but hope to be eventually.  (Faceapp)  I know neighbors, coworkers think I'm somehow sick, and give me odd looks.  They do not know I'm transitioning.  I am starting to enjoy hints of feminine features though.  i know it's painful, but I'd work at accepting.  Venting is healthy, we all do it, just don't dwell on it too long.  know that you are not alone in these doubts.  Hugs from SoCal.

Most member on this site are pre transition or somewhere in the middle of it. It's not until you have completed your transition that you can fully experience what life is like that you can appreciate it. Yes, you can sample it but there are still barriers that prevent you from fully living it.

It's the reason that I consider my bottom surgery to be the dividing line between the old life and the new. I no longer need another permission to make my own decisions and the decision for surgery made it clear to me that the old life had nothing to draw me back to.

If you consider the poem The road not taken, I am fortunate that I have seen life from both genders and I have experienced the emotional lows so I can appreciate the the normal and highs of life. It's a different way to expand your horizons but one that few will ever know.

I feel sorry for ya ad your situation. Sadly the only time I could say ''I hate being this way'' was when I was living as some male thing. Being trans is hard, and although I refuse to look at myself as a victim I am in a demograpic that is highly oppressed still in many areas and will make life harder. Its not easy being trans but it is better then manhood.

If it makes you feel better you can look at this as an exploratory thing. There is a post op-trans woman here for came out years ago then stopped taking HRT via doubts a even wet back to living as a man again for about a year until she realized it wasnt her. She re-started about 3 years ago and even had surgery and from some stuff I had read from her recently, doing quite well!

Gender is a spectrum, explore!

I'm sorry you're feeling so depressed.  Sounds kind of like a glass half full/ or half empty type situation to me.  Or could be you need a different size glass.     Maybe it might help if you sat down and made a list of all the things you like about being transgender and all the things you hate.

Quote from: Bari Jo on September 06, 2017, 01:01:14 PM
  I'm a weird pale reflection of a man currently.  I am not what my avatar is, but hope to be eventually.  (Faceapp)  I know neighbors, coworkers think I'm somehow sick, and give me odd looks.

Bari Jo, that's exactly how I feel. And it's hard. I've always liked how I looked (even if I had insecurities and the constant thoughts of being a woman) and took pride on my looks. Now I'm a weird thing... just a shade of what I was. I knew the in between stage would be awful but I didn't know it would be so hard for me. Maybe I'm just feeling this way cuz deep down I want to get my ex back. And I want to feel in control of my life again, being a guy was a safer place. But ugh I know the thoughts will come back at some point...


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Quote from: Dena on September 06, 2017, 05:02:08 PM
Most member on this site are pre transition or somewhere in the middle of it. It's not until you have completed your transition that you can fully experience what life is like that you can appreciate it. Yes, you can sample it but there are still barriers that prevent you from fully living it.

It's the reason that I consider my bottom surgery to be the dividing line between the old life and the new. I no longer need another permission to make my own decisions and the decision for surgery made it clear to me that the old life had nothing to draw me back to.

If you consider the poem The road not taken, I am fortunate that I have seen life from both genders and I have experienced the emotional lows so I can appreciate the the normal and highs of life. It's a different way to expand your horizons but one that few will ever know.

You are right Dena, I haven't fully transitioned to know and understand the good side. The thing is that pretty much everyone here agrees that being trans isn't easy, and that coming out and transitioning cost them many things. A lot also say that they just couldn't bare living as men anymore. I don't feel that...yet. Living as gay man was OK, not great and I always felt something was off, but it was OK. I didn't hate my body, I didn't hate being referred as a "he". It felt more like a constant boredom and apathy towards everything, almost feeling like there was no point in my life, and I was just going through the motions. And the thoughts, the constant thoughts and fantasies of being a woman that drained my energy.

Anyways... would you say it is definitely worth it to transition even with all the negative things?

I wish I could help you, but after almost 50 years of thinking I was different I am loving my trans journey and screw anyone who has an issue with it. This is me and I'm going to live whatever remains of my life on this journey. You need to go for it  - CIS, Gay, Non Binary, Trans, GQ or whatever, just stop self criticizing and take a real good hard look at where you will be most happy, disregarding any external factors, and then you will know what you have to do. And I'm talking family, money, career etc, this is solely about you and your need to take control of your life  - we have one chance and most squander it, make yours worth while for you. Go Girl go.
Seriously , I do wish you all the best in getting out of your current dark place - we all have them, but most end up seeing the light again. I know you will
If I can help I will just PM me if your allowed to do so of course - see site TOC etc.
Hugz
Katie (Again)

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 07, 2017, 08:56:09 AM
Anyways... would you say it is definitely worth it to transition even with all the negative things?

I was looking at a very short miserable life if my only  option was to remain in the male role. The life I have lived after surgery is far better and there is nothing you could offer me to return to the old life. In my case, there was no other option and I would make the same decision knowing what I know now.

Quote from: Dena on September 11, 2017, 05:19:48 PM
I was looking at a very short miserable life if my only  option was to remain in the male role. The life I have lived after surgery is far better and there is nothing you could offer me to return to the old life. In my case, there was no other option and I would make the same decision knowing what I know now.

Hi Dena, you give me hope. Thank you.

Quote from: Katie Again on September 11, 2017, 03:43:38 PM
I wish I could help you, but after almost 50 years of thinking I was different I am loving my trans journey and screw anyone who has an issue with it. This is me and I'm going to live whatever remains of my life on this journey. You need to go for it  - CIS, Gay, Non Binary, Trans, GQ or whatever, just stop self criticizing and take a real good hard look at where you will be most happy, disregarding any external factors, and then you will know what you have to do. And I'm talking family, money, career etc, this is solely about you and your need to take control of your life  - we have one chance and most squander it, make yours worth while for you. Go Girl go.
Seriously , I do wish you all the best in getting out of your current dark place - we all have them, but most end up seeing the light again. I know you will
If I can help I will just PM me if your allowed to do so of course - see site TOC etc.
Hugz
Katie (Again)

Hey Katie, I will PM you. Thank you.

My wife used to tell me No One in their right mind wants to be a 50 y/o woman.

I generally answered with no one in their right mind . wants to be trans.

In both cases I had no choice.

All I know absolutely for sure is that everything I tried for 50 years to kill the beast did not work. After I took the trans-beast on for real, oh life got totally complicated. Then add in all these new emotions I never imagined ever having. And.... all these new dreams.

Tanking on the Trans-Beast sucks. NOT taking it on totally sucks

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 07, 2017, 08:56:09 AM
You are right Dena, I haven't fully transitioned to know and understand the good side. The thing is that pretty much everyone here agrees that being trans isn't easy, and that coming out and transitioning cost them many things. A lot also say that they just couldn't bare living as men anymore. I don't feel that...yet. Living as gay man was OK, not great and I always felt something was off, but it was OK. I didn't hate my body, I didn't hate being referred as a "he". It felt more like a constant boredom and apathy towards everything, almost feeling like there was no point in my life, and I was just going through the motions. And the thoughts, the constant thoughts and fantasies of being a woman that drained my energy.

Anyways... would you say it is definitely worth it to transition even with all the negative things?

Can I add my two cents?  I really hated the in between time when I first started presenting female. I had it easy in a way as I did not lose people I cared about. None of it was easy though. I am at a decent point in my progress and am so much happier. I have to pinch myself that this is real, this living as a female. The fact that my voice is sad and my hair is thinning makes it hard at times. I wouldn't trade the experience for the world although I wouldn't want to do it over again either. I hope you figure out what is right for you. Just thought I would say it is possible for it to end well.
Moni

I hate to play devils advocate but the reason one usualy tries HRT is to see if that's the problem. My problem is that I just started transitioning at 65 and I have 65 years of presenting as male to cope with

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 07, 2017, 08:12:27 AMMaybe I'm just feeling this way cuz deep down I want to get my ex back. And I want to feel in control of my life again, being a guy was a safer place.

Nicki my 'ex' IS back . . . after putting kids and I through 10 years of living 'ell!!! Being 'transgender' has become fairly commonplace but most people still don't really understand what that fully entails. There's a reason for that.

It's just a word.

It's what YOU decide to do with it there is no set, basic formula of behavior. If you view it as 'a curse' then something's wrong, your not doing what's best overall. She needs time just like you. Try to avoid 'burning bridges' if can.

Quote from: Kiera on September 12, 2017, 05:48:00 AM
Nicki my 'ex' IS back . . . after putting kids and I through 10 years of living 'ell!!! Being 'transgender' has become fairly commonplace but most people still don't really understand what that fully entails. There's a reason for that. It's just a word.

It's what YOU decide to do with it there is no set, basic formula of behavior. If you view it as 'a curse' then something's wrong, your not doing what's best overall. She needs time just like you. Try to avoid 'burning bridges' if can.

Hey Kiera, my ex is a "he". We still talk, but it's all too confusing for me. He has made it clear that he wants a man not a woman and I understand that but it doesn't make it less difficult.


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