Hey all. I posted once with another user name, but decided that it didn't offer me anonymity in the workplace. I'm back with a new name, which embraces my feminine aspects. (Of course, femininity isn't in a name, but I feel more comfortable calling my feminine self something I personally identify as feminine.) I appreciate the responses to my first post, from the kind, wonderful individuals who took a moment to write. I appreciated the the "hugs" and support, and am taking Kendra's advice to introduce myself, here.

I'm in my late 30s. He/Him (but maybe I'd want to explore She/her here?). I'm not sure where I fit, in gender terms. Background ... I never felt misgendered as a child, though I was a shy, overeating kid, who likely had the beginnings of the clinical depression I see my therapist for these days. I tried wearing my sister's clothes as a teen. I've been told I have had feminine mannerisms, but have tried to change them. I've been a (probably too) skinny adult until the past few years, after encouragement from loved ones to bulk up, though I'd rather be slender than muscular. I've worn women's clothes as an adult in the past year or so, and while the feeling was good, the mirror made me feel insecure - there is a lot about my appearance that is relentlessly masculine.

My female partner, who is highly attuned to people and what they're about believes that I'm just kind of an unhappy person, and that this attraction to femaleness is yet another of my attempts to be happy, which will ultimately lead to other changes to keep the moments of joy going. This may very well be the case. It should be stated that she has no issue with transgender people, and would encourage me, if I felt strongly that this is what I needed. She may not want to be my partner any longer, but she would encourage me, nonetheless.

What I do know is that I like the idea of having a female body, but I'm not really uncomfortable having a male body. And perhaps because I was raised in a binary society, I don't really want to be something in between. (Yes, there are many things we don't want, but we get, anyway.)

I'll close by saying I'm eager to read your stories; I'm eager to compare notes with others who didn't feel misgendered early on; I'm eager to mutually figure things out. I know from my first post that this is a welcoming, nonjudgmental community, and I'm happy it exists.

Wishing you support on your journey,
Madison

Some of the things you talk about ring close to home. I never felt misgendered and I never disliked my body (I still don't). You did crossdress but I didn't do that either, didn't feel the need to. All of my gender issues manifested in my mind and my coping mechanisms did so as well, I never really tried exteriorizing anything. But the thoughts got so strong and made me so unhappy that I ended up seeking therapy and even came out as trans.

Welcome back to the site. We are all happy to discuss and help each other.


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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 12, 2017, 08:34:30 AM
All of my gender issues manifested in my mind and my coping mechanisms did so as well, I never really tried exteriorizing anything. But the thoughts got so strong and made me so unhappy that I ended up seeking therapy and even came out as trans.

Thanks for the empathy, Charlie. I'm intrigued by your story. Perhaps you've written at greater length on this?

Hi Madison,
When I was a little boy, I didn't think I was a girl, but I knew I wasn't whatever the other boys I played with were. I looked more like a girl than a boy then. I sneaked and cross-dressed starting as a boy when I had the house to myself. I was afraid of getting caught, but it was a wonderful feeling. I always have. I was never real comfortable in boy clothes, but I didn't want to dress like a girl all the time, either. Talk about being mixed up!  Wearing women's underwear and being stealthy at first helped me slowly adjust. About three years ago I started seriously exploring being transgender, trying to figure out if that was me. Well, it's me. I found information online, YouTube and in books. It helped me 'discover' my true self. In the early stages, I was questioning, uncertain, wanted it to go away, thought I was just trying to escape, yadda, yadda, yadda. Gradually unfolding and opening up as transgender to people isn't easy. I've done it in steps, some small, some large. Still on my journey. Does it ever end? Good vibes your way as you sort it all out. You'll get there.
Tommie

Hello again
Madison

Be safe exploring who you are.

Stay shiny.


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Thank you for the encouragement, Tommie and Bunny!

Hello Madison, welcome! 

I began exploring my gender right after puberty when I didn't feel right and then stopped after about four years, and re-started several decades later.  I also ate too much food when I was younger and did that again mid-career along with far too much alcohol.  I had been distracting myself from having to think about more important things.  I dropped 16 inches/40cm from my waistline in the mid 1990s and quit drinking in 2003.  More recently I lost another ounce or two if I count the weight of all the hair I had permanently removed.

The funny thing about my cross-dressing is I have never worn anyone else's clothes without their knowledge.  I built my own!  When I was about 13 I cut up an old pair of jeans, added some gardening twine and made a two-piece bathing suit.  I wish I had it today - fond memories now although back then I was so ashamed but drawn in like a magnet.  If I made a short list of the best things I have enjoyed in life that is near the top of the list - and now transition definitely is for me. 

Don't worry so much about what you see in the mirror.  Your self-perception will always be different than what others see, especially those who haven't known you as many years as you have.  A mirror is like staring at a huge photograph.  In the real world we interact with people and focus on other things. 

It's great your partner isn't hostile as so many of us have to deal with that.  On the other hand she isn't an impartial observer - your future directly impacts hers.  Her constructive opinions are important and a therapist's professional opinion is also important, but decisions regarding your future are ultimately your decisions to make.

Since you have a new account I'll add the information we always send to new members as a handy reference.  Here it is:

A Cautionary Note:
This is a public forum so please remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there may retain information that you post.

We cannot ensure that any information you share on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction. This warning is also listed in the Terms of Service listed below.

If you give out personal information on Susan's you are responsible for any consequence.,kn

I also want to share some links with you. They include helpful information and the rules that govern the site.  It is important for your enjoyment of the site to take a moment to go through them

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Great to see you here Madison, and looking forward to your future.

Kendra

Thank you, Kendra!


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Quote from: madison_b on September 12, 2017, 08:59:33 AM
Thanks for the empathy, Charlie. I'm intrigued by your story. Perhaps you've written at greater length on this?

Hi Madison, you can read my first post ever that I made back in March:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,221177.0.html

A lot has changed since then but you can see more about my backstory. Feel free to PM me if you need to chat or have any questions!

Thanks for your openness and availability, Charlie.


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Hi Madison 

Welcome back to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here again, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Quote from: V M on September 12, 2017, 04:42:38 PM
Hi Madison 

Welcome back to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here again, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thanks for the hugs V M.


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Hi! I felt pretty close to what you've described on some things, such as misgendering as a child. I preferred the idea of being a woman in my dreams, but I didn't ever think the cliche about being "a woman trapped in a man's body" (well, a girl trapped in a boy's body as it were at the time). And since then I've come to learn that it is just that, a cliche. A lot of people do feel that way, but there seems to be just as many of us who never quite crystallized that thought. Maybe it was a defense mechanism(repression), maybe it was a lack of imagination, maybe it was just we were never aware that was a thing, or simply that we just truly didn't feel that strongly as some do.

I'm also right there with in the idea of not necessarily hating my male body (though that isn't entirely true anymore, I'm starting to get more and more irritated with it the more self acceptance I develop on the trans issue, at least when not distracted by hurricanes), but more just preferring a female body.

Regardless what you decide though, this is the place to be! You'll find people pretty much across the spectrum, and maybe someone's story will resonate with you as some have really resonated with me--and led me more and more to the identifying as blatantly (wanting to be, if not claiming to be yet) female. (When I first posted here I didn't really know what I was.)

I truly appreciate your solidarity, Roll. It is helpful to hear from you.


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Quote from: Roll on September 12, 2017, 09:03:10 PM
Hi! I felt pretty close to what you've described on some things, such as misgendering as a child. I preferred the idea of being a woman in my dreams, but I didn't ever think the cliche about being "a woman trapped in a man's body" (well, a girl trapped in a boy's body as it were at the time). And since then I've come to learn that it is just that, a cliche. A lot of people do feel that way, but there seems to be just as many of us who never quite crystallized that thought. Maybe it was a defense mechanism(repression), maybe it was a lack of imagination, maybe it was just we were never aware that was a thing, or simply that we just truly didn't feel that strongly as some do.

I'm also right there with in the idea of not necessarily hating my male body ( just preferring a female body)

You know someone described it nicely in a post a while ago, she said she didn't hate her male body but she just felt more comfortable choosing the female interface.



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