I appreciate the encouragement! Here we go off the top of my head....
New experiences with Gender DysphoriaGender Odyssey (
http://www.genderodyssey.org/seattle/ ) was only three weeks ago, but it feels like three months. Saying that it changed my life would be a gross understatement. I had no idea that at age 47 I still had/have so much to learn about myself.
For starters, I've learned an awful lot about Gender Dysphoria. As I talked about earlier, I had a really bad episode the day after the conference. I thought I was losing my mind for a little while there. Once the 'attack' subsided, I thought I had a handle on it and the worst was behind me. Welllll, not so much.
Let me back up for a sec. I never gave GD much of a thought until this year, when I started with a new therapist (after not having one for about a decade) and began getting help sorting out my 'gender issues' (which I'd never had the courage to do before). I always pictured GD as being a form of disgust with one's physical form. I would have told you, "Ah sure, I have GD. I guess." I'd had thoughts since childhood of how great it'd be to wake up changed into a girl, or how if I were in a groin-maiming accident, I would tell the surgeon to go ahead and give me GRS while he's fixing me up. I'm sure you get the picture.
Well, what I've recently learned is that GD has very real, very acute physical symptoms. I call them 'pissed off butterflies' in my abdomen. They are cousins of the butterflies you get when you're a little nervous, like before a public performance or a job interview. However, these butterflies are
FIERCE. They want to claw their way
OUT. And I find myself so anxious and worked up, that I practically
want them to. What a profoundly uncomfortable sensation.
This is completely new to me. I've never felt anything like this, ever. They will strike with very little warning or provocation. In the days since the conference, I've had bad episodes like this probably 4 or 5 times. Yesterday, for example. As I was waking up, my mind was fixating on thoughts about transitioning and what I'd look like, what my body would feel like, etc. This really got the GD fired up for the day. The only think I could think of doing to deal with it was to put on 100% women's clothes. I drove to work looking like this (my current avatar picture). Black flats, skinny jeans, pink t-shirt, sports bra with forms, and a touch of lipstick. When I got to the office, I simply removed the forms, put on sneakers, and changed my t-shirt to a drab one. That did help some. Still, the whole day was difficult, with the butterflies flaring up at the slightest provocation.
Then today, I woke up as if nothing happened. Ho hum, no big deal. Everything is normal. Even still, I feel the GD present at a low level, like a dark passenger lurking in the background.
My wife and I decided that I should give it a 1 to 10 rating that I can use to check in with her about how I'm doing. Perhaps even putting a whiteboard on the fridge so I can start each day accounting for how present the butterflies are. Yesterday was a solid 8 and today is a 2. Go figure.
So... you've read this far? Bless your heart for hanging in there with me. Discussion questions:
--- This
is, in fact,
genuine bona-fide Gender Dysphoria, right? Or am I simply losing my mind?
--- How does (or has) GD manifested itself for you?
--- At what point has your GD diminished, or gone away?
