So... last week, in discussions with my therapist, we went deep into how I think, and how I've spent my life thinking in regards to my gender identity. If you've read other posts/comments of mine, you probably know, I'm still trying to figure out my real gender identity, and right now, while I'm figuring it out, I identify as non-binary.
So... the last week and a couple days (didn't go this week cause of sickness w/ me and kids) I've been thinking about this conversation, and the thought that plagues my mind is 'Can I identify as non-binary truly if I am binary in my thinking?'
To explain:
I described how for as long as I can remember, I have had two voices in my head in constant battle with each other. One matches the outward identity I've always shown, we'll call her she/Rowena. One matches more of what I might see myself as. We'll call him, he/Ren.
My first instance that I remember in this battle was when I was... probably six or so, when I told myself I could never again have short hair because it makes me look like a boy. That was the Rowena speaking, as you might have guessed. My therapist called this my passive voice. The voice that cares more about others than herself. Cares about what the world around her thinks, letting it influence her identity. So she remains a she, even though, she knows that's not right.
Ren, however, is the one that constantly challenges Rowena. He's the one that makes Rowena call herself a tomboy. He doesn't manifest himself in the whole body much, (especially in public) but that voice is the one that my therapist calls the liberator. Constantly telling Rowena to shut up. Its okay to not like dresses and skirts. To want to wear pants ALL the time. You want to wear that tie? Go for it. Hang out with the boys over those prissy girls at the table in the corner? Go for it. Spend more time gaming than going to the salon to get prettified? Go ahead... Play sports? Do it. Ren is the voice that just doesn't give a flying crap about anyone's thoughts. Well as far as identity goes.
This battle didn't really take a firm hold in me though until high school, more like when I moved. In DC it was much easier to be who I wanted to be. More confident. My friends and I in DC had given ourselves an alter-ego so to speak, from our favorite novel, Les Miserables, (which as you know is also a musical and has been made into movies) most of us having male characters. To them, I'm still 'Icklecourfeyfoo' (the nickname they gave me stemming from Courfeyrac... my character) But moving to a highly religious culture with a strict belief in the binary made the battle all the more present. The need to keep my assigned identity became more necessary.
Without going into too many more details, as I've described the battle in other posts of mine a number of times, I started realizing almost a year ago that there was something to this battle I've had all my life. That I had something called Gender Dysphoria. But it finally got to a point in February or March where I just HAD to do something. I couldn't keep crying on the bathroom floor anymore.
Anyway, my therapist posed the thought that I'm still very binary in my thinking. He then asked me 'What's wrong with being a hairy girl?' Just the word girl made me cringe, which I think he took note of. So then he said, 'What would happen if we put a third voice in your head, a non-binary voice. What would it sound like. What would they say? How would they influence you?'
So I've spent the past week and some thinking about this, and to be honest, I can't even imagine a third voice. I can't even think of how they would involve themselves in the 'battle'. Would they be a voice of reason? An intermediary? I don't think so, just trying to imagine it, I can't. Adding in a voice that's more 'neutral' is impossible to imagine, thus I can't help but think it would only add to the confusion if I did succeed in adding a third voice.
Is it because the voice of Ren, while identifying as a 'he' is actually a non-binary voice? When I imagine Ren, I imagine him as my whole. A being of confidence in identity. Proud of who he is. Nothing can stop him. That's the person I want to be, the person I see myself as. I feel like Ren, though calling himself a he, wouldn't be afraid to say, 'Oh, cute skirt. I bet I could rock that.' But he'd still know that's not going to change his identity. Ren loves jewelry. He'd be the one to rock a ring on most of his fingers, a pendant around his neck, and still be seen as a man. (Probably a gay man, but hey... That wouldn't bother him. He definitely prefers males. Though females aren't out of the question. No one's out of the question.)
But am I really, binary in thought? If so, does that even make me non-binary?
