The day i posted this marks the 27th anniversary of my arrival into this world as someone i'm not. Even though i'm slowly yet surely transitioning, my being trans isn't entirely the source of my misery.

It's 10:27 am as i typed this up (ain't that something? 10:27 and I'm now 27. *small smile*). So far i've spent much of the day crying my eyes out all while trying not to let my mum hear me. I done gave myself a massive headache. My head is pounding right now. I stopped crying minutes ago though. The wristband of my nightshirt was so wet from all the tears and nasal fluids i'm actually surprised it's dry now. I actually have two cakes this year because my mum wasn't sure if i wanted lemon or vanilla (i like both). I can't eat two cakes at once and i can't let them remain in the fridge for too long or they'll rot.

I only have 19 Facebook friends, most of whom are men who just added me because they thought i was cute or something and therefore i don't even know them. Anyway, no birthday messages on Facebook yet even though i hardly ever get status comments or birthday messages on Facebook anyway, even from the people i do know or am friends with in real life.

I keep getting these intrusive thoughts of doing horrible things i'd never do and i can't even bring myself to name them, but i will say even though i don't want to kill myself i think about it. The thought of me putting a loaded gun to my temple and pulling the trigger is triggering. Sorry if that triggered anyone else.

I'm tired of telling my friend i'm depressed or am contemplating suicide. I don't think she cares anymore anyway. Also, i even have visions of me calling 9-1-1 telling them i've seriously hurt or injured myself trying to kill myself but i can't fathom calling 9-1-1 about my own suicide attempt.

I'm hoping my life is short. I don't want to or feel like living a long life. I hope to be dead by 50, really by 40 or even my late 30s but i want my post-op years to be longer than my pre-op years and i also prefer my next life to be born a woman and live way longer than i lived this life.

Hey! At least since i can't actually be younger, i can at least look younger.

For one other thing though, I love being a Virgo and I love the month of September and I love the fall season. September is my end-of-summer-beginning-of-fall-celebration month but birthdays are so freakin' painful. My 2012 birthday was my absolute worse birthday.

I miss my youth and am feeling like i'm slowly losing it. I miss my childhood and so many memories from my childhood are causing me to cry again. I was hoping to complete my transition while i'm still young. I'm in my late 20s now and still live with my mom, not done transitioning yet. *sighs, on the verge of tears again*

Big hug! Happy birthday!

I didn't want to get old when I was in my twenties, but looking back at my twenties from my fifties, I am so glad to be where I am. Experience gained makes for a richer life, and the effect is cumulative. You're going to love it! 

Hugs, Devlyn

Hey girl. I'm so sorry you've spent you birthday morning crying. I guess for us "pre"s, another year older just means another year missing out on being who we wanted to be. I felt like bloody Bella from Twilight on my last birthday. I often want to cry thinking about the childhood as a girl, and the adolescence as a young woman, that I missed. (I don't seem to actually do much crying at the moment though, frustratingly.) But I guess...that's life. 

The way I think about suicide is this. I could do it at any moment. So I may as well hang around a little longer and see how things go, see if things get any better, see if I can become the woman I want to be. Don't you want to grow old, be someone's grandmother? (I know, I know, by adoption, but it still counts)

We're still young! Twenties! Be proud of yourself for being well on the way with you transition, we're all proud of you. And yeah, Virgos rule.

Hey, sister Virgo!  I'm sorry things are so painful on your birthday.  I have major depression myself and I know what it's like to want to "check out" early.  When you're depressed, it feels like you've been down forever and will always be down the rest of your life.  It's really hard to remember that this isn't true.  None of us can predict the future--there may be great things ahead!

For me, having a therapist and being on medication makes sense.  I feel a lot better this way.  Only you know what's right for you, but if you find yourself feeling this bad often and you don't have a counselor, you might want to get one.

Wow... only three people bothered to reply and help. Well, i guess that's better than no one. But thanks, guys.

As an update, i haven't felt as down and sad as i did this morning. I did get into a brief argument with my mum about my mood but it is what it is, i guess. *shrugs*

I have been thinking about my late dad though. My dad was 27 when he died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound and I was 7. I still wonder what my life would've been like if he were here still.

I can't fathom killing myself on my birthday of all days.

Quote from: Leila94 on September 17, 2017, 12:10:26 PMDon't you want to grow old, be someone's grandmother? (I know, I know, by adoption, but it still counts)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Hell no!!! I mean, if i have to live old, i guess i will if it means getting to be female in my next life. Plus, i've already given up on my dream of having children. Hell will freeze over three times before i use my male repro organs to procreate or even to have sex and if you'll take a look at this thread, you'll see just how strongly i feel about me and having children, and me about wanting to get pregnant.

But hey, since i don't have children and probably won't in this life, and with me not wanting to live long it helps since i don't have any children to care for.

But as for my next life, i don't want to risk adding bad karma on myself wanting to end my life early and end up with a hard next life, even as a woman. I'm trying to make it so i can earn myself the best, easiest next life possible. I'd like that anyways.

Quote from: The Flying Lemur on September 17, 2017, 04:43:28 PMFor me, having a therapist and being on medication makes sense.  I feel a lot better this way.  Only you know what's right for you, but if you find yourself feeling this bad often and you don't have a counselor, you might want to get one.

I am in therapy. I'm not real close with her though so i'd like to avoid topics surrounding my depression. I did tell her about my birthday blues though.

Happy birthday.    🎉🎊🎈

I want to wish you a happy birthday despite your depression. I understand how you feel and depression is really a bitch.

But you just have to remind yourself, as others said, that depression is temporary. Try to go out and have fun, that will help you.

I'm guessing that you have very few friends, but the number is not important, what's really important is that you can count on them, so if you can, give them a call and do something fun.

Sending you virtual hugs and hope you can feel better soon!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Annaiyah on September 17, 2017, 06:19:25 PMNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Hell no!!! I mean, if i have to live old, i guess i will if it means getting to be female in my next life. Plus, i've already given up on my dream of having children. Hell will freeze over three times before i use my male repro organs to procreate or even to have sex and if you'll take a look at this thread, you'll see just how strongly i feel about me and having children, and me about wanting to get pregnant.

Okay sure, but plenty of cis women can't get pregnant. Who said anything about using your male organs?  I guess I've never been bothered by the thought of having to adopt, since my mum's adopted, my cousin was born by sperm donor etc...

Happy Belated Birthday. You are in your late 20's so yes you are still young and have your whole life ahead of you and everything to live for.