Hello everyone.  I am in the military, and I recently came out to my wife as transgender.  We are coming to terms with my transition right now, but my wife wants me to delay starting on HRT, and I'm not fully sure how I feel about that.  We've decided that I will be doing a Real Life Experience for the next six months, but I really don't want to delay my start on HRT.  I'm currently on an anti-depressant called Sertraline that helps me manage my gender dysphoria, but I feel like if I was to make a slow switch from that, to hormones, that I would be much happier.

The issue is that, my wife is afraid that I will not be able to "perform" in bed afterwards.  The medicine I'm on now already makes it hard to perform, and she's read a lot of people stories online where they couldn't, and she doesn't like the sound of that.

Also, we have a vacation coming up in January, and she has expressed a desire for me to wait at least until February before we discuss me starting on HRT.

Would it be possible to maybe start a low dose of e, and t blockers?  I'm hoping to talk to an endocrinologist about this, of course, but I was wondering if anyone else had experiences about this stuff.  Also, what experiences did you have with being able to "perform" in bed?

Thanks for your help!

Love, Ashley

P.S. I do plan on showing this to my wife later.  Please be supportive of her in this as well, because she needs it.  Thanks!

Firstly welcome! I'm happy you and your partner are working through this together,  it's hard for both sides, but I do hope you make it work.
In terms of 'functionality',  HRT will more than likely stop this working,  but (depending on your regimine) you might get a few weeks at the start of HRT where the effect is less. I'm three months into my HRT and while it's heavily reduced my libido,  this doesn't mean I don't want sex,  and I'm certainly more tactile,  so your physical relationship can simply evolve,  maybe into something better; a chance to experiment and mix things up [emoji3].
Due to the UK medical system I started my RLE before HRT,  and I feel I benefited from this,  it was still a positive thing for me,  and enabled me to separate the positive of that against the changes that HRT have subsequently brought.
At three months into HRT I don't get spontaneous arousal in the mornings anymore,  but the equipment does still 'stand up'  with a little coaxing,  but that's just me,  no guarantees!
Whatever your choices I hope the two of you find a way to navigate this journey together. X


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Hi Ashley,

  I'm Laurie, mtf, and I was in the Navy a long time ago. Welcome to Susan's Place. (Hug) come right on in and have a seat. Take off that cover and get comfy. There coffee and hot water for tea and water in the pipes. If you are really lucky you might find something cold in the fridge. We're glad you're here Ashley.
   Perhaps I can even get you to hop on over to the Introductions Thread and  create a post to tell us a little bit more about yourself so we can get to know you a little better and greet you properly. Devlyn would also get on my case if I did not also invite your to visit our Roll Call thread and check in there too.

  Also I'll add some links and information below that can help you get more out of our site.

Laurie
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Hi Ashley and partner, welcome to Susan's Place! Thank you for your service! As Laurie said, visit the Roll Call thread when you get a chance. Nice work, Laurie, you're not going to be peeling potatoes....tonight, anyway! 

It's difficult to say if it was age (55) or the hormones, but desire, erections, and ejaculation aren't happening for me anymore. I can still orgasm, but it's a very different feeling now. There's a lot of ways to have sex, so you should surely be able to figure out date night! 

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

YMMV as it is said. In 2 months of mtf HRT with Androcur, which actually is for chemical castration of perverts; my libido went from 3/3 to 1/3 at a point, later 2/3, 3/3, 1/3 and now again 2/3. It do is harder though for my lower countries to enter "conquest mode", but love is more than sex, and there are different ways of sex as already told above by others.

Regards Ashley,
Tsukiyoarts

Hi Ashley  I have been on HRT for 13 months. I currently have very low testosterone and my desire for regular sex is almost non existent. But there are other things you can try like tantric sex which is more into pleasing your mate with touch rather than doing the do. However your body will be more attuned to touch as well.  Once the breasts start to develope as about the third month, they will become more sensitive. Yes they do teach positions if you are so inclined. In fact they have positions that do just that, on an incline. But that is not relevant. If you and your wife decide on children it would be wise to seek assistance in saving your little swimmers before transition. Also toys can make things more pleasurable. Perhap taking your wife to a support group and visiting a therapist can make the transition easier for both of you and help you make informed decisions. I know it has been invaluable to many of us who have chosen to transition. If you need help finding the resources maybe I can help. Please let me know.
Dawn

Quote from: AshleyPixune on September 15, 2017, 04:43:12 PM
Hello everyone.  I am in the military, and I recently came out to my wife as transgender.  We are coming to terms with my transition right now, but my wife wants me to delay starting on HRT, and I'm not fully sure how I feel about that.  We've decided that I will be doing a Real Life Experience for the next six months, but I really don't want to delay my start on HRT.  I'm currently on an anti-depressant called Sertraline that helps me manage my gender dysphoria, but I feel like if I was to make a slow switch from that, to hormones, that I would be much happier.

The issue is that, my wife is afraid that I will not be able to "perform" in bed afterwards.  The medicine I'm on now already makes it hard to perform, and she's read a lot of people stories online where they couldn't, and she doesn't like the sound of that.

Also, we have a vacation coming up in January, and she has expressed a desire for me to wait at least until February before we discuss me starting on HRT.

Would it be possible to maybe start a low dose of e, and t blockers?  I'm hoping to talk to an endocrinologist about this, of course, but I was wondering if anyone else had experiences about this stuff.  Also, what experiences did you have with being able to "perform" in bed?

Thanks for your help!

Love, Ashley

P.S. I do plan on showing this to my wife later.  Please be supportive of her in this as well, because she needs it.  Thanks!

Hello Ashley and welcome!
Before I started my HRT, I too read that erections would stop and so on and so forth. It's not necessarily true.

Although, some women on here may disagree with me, it's not true if you keep your levels tuned correctly and you want to have sex in a penile penetration way.

Lack of testosterone does not castrate you. You will most probably not have raging erections like you might have in the past, but you can stay functional in the bedroom.

Lack of testosterone will lower your libido significantly though! Therefore you can keep your testosterone low, but not 0, keep it close to cis-female levels and your libido will remain. Or you can add progesterone to your regimen and that will help take the place of testosterone and help your libido, as that's what I did.

There are certain anti-androgens you should avoid if you want to stay functional as well. Although results may vary, Finasteride is notorious for lowering functionality, so you'll probably want to avoid it. There are others that have a similar effect.

Bicalutimide will act like a anti-androgen by blocking your testosterone receptor, but won't effect your libido.

If you can find the right doctor, you can transition without a testosterone blocker, as these tend to lead to lower libido and functionality. Contrary to popular belief, blockers can be omitted. Estradiol levels only need to be maintained high enough, and your body will lower its testosterone production.

Also, which is not mentioned enough, you can get a prescription for Cialis or Viagra, and they will help your "performance". I've had a few sessions with my x-gf that lasted around two hours of full erection with a little help from an over the counter "aid" that was later found to have the sildenafil in it (the same active ingredient of the prescription ones). My testosterone levels were virtually nothing at the time.

Please don't let the nay-sayers dissuade you. Most of them fail to mention that they either weren't really into penile sex, weren't very functional to begin with or they didn't take steps to adjust and bring some life back into that part.

It sounds like your on the younger side which helps too.
Basically, if you have decent functionality now you can maintain that for a long time.

I'm 42 and about 13 months on pharmaceutical HRT and about 16 months herbal, before that, just for reference. And I am soooo glad I'm transitioning!

BTW...there are plenty of women on here that can back me up on these points.

I hope that helps.
Hugs to you and your wife.

-Lexi

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Thank you everyone for your input, and thank you LexiDreamer for going into so much detail.

I'm 33.5 years old, is that young? LoL I don't feel young anymore!!

So I'm planning on making an endo appointment for the first week of November, mainly just to talk about options.  I'm going to a specialist in a city near L.A.... The city is called Van Nuys.  I've never heard of it before!

~Love, Ashley

If you're still counting half years...you're young! 

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 18, 2017, 07:00:41 PM
If you're still counting half years...you're young!  [emoji23]

Hugs, Devlyn

Agreed!

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Quote from: AshleyPixune on September 18, 2017, 06:54:04 PM
Thank you everyone for your input, and thank you LexiDreamer for going into so much detail.

I'm 33.5 years old, is that young? LoL I don't feel young anymore!!

So I'm planning on making an endo appointment for the first week of November, mainly just to talk about options.  I'm going to a specialist in a city near L.A.... The city is called Van Nuys.  I've never heard of it before!

~Love, Ashley

Yes, in my book you're quite young!
The younger you transition, the better your results will be.

One more thing...
Although you should be able to preserve your sexual functionality, your sperm production will cease.
If you ever plan on having children, you should look into getting some sperm frozen, so you'll still have that option.

Take care!
-Lexi

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Hi Ashley,

Welcome to the site and good luck with your transitioning and your relationship. My wife and I have been married for 34 years and we fit into the older range. I did not realize my transgender identity until fairly recently and prior to a couple of years ago we had a very active sex life. That went away with transitioning and the start of hrt. Up until last week I probably would have been able to perform in a penetrative manner but we haven't had that kind of sex in a couple of years. Your mileage may vary is a valid statement as we all react differently but most on hrt tell a similar story.

But this is not the point that I would like to bring up to you. You have not mentioned how long you have realized that you are transgender, only that you have recently come out to your wife. You use words like, "we are coming to terms" and "we have decided". I would like to point out that both of you are transitioning and that you have probably had a long time to think about all of this while this is all new to her. She has a lot of ground to make up. I caution you to give her time to come to terms with these huge changes at her pace. There are many on this site that have felt an urgency and pushed and are now transitioning as single individuals. It is hard to wait and remain silent as she processes but I can almost guarantee that it will turn out better if you give her the time she needs. As has been pointed out, you are still young, you still have time for this to mature at its own pace and have a partner sharing this amazing journey with you. Best of luck to the two of you and true open and transparent communication may be your best tool.

Anne

Quote from: Anne Blake on September 18, 2017, 11:17:58 PM
But this is not the point that I would like to bring up to you. You have not mentioned how long you have realized that you are transgender, only that you have recently come out to your wife. You use words like, "we are coming to terms" and "we have decided". I would like to point out that both of you are transitioning and that you have probably had a long time to think about all of this while this is all new to her.

Yes you're right, I have been going through all this for many years (my whole life essentially!), and I've come to that point where I just don't want to wait any longer.  My wife and I are working through this together, and so I'm trying to go slower, but like you said, it is tough.  I'm wanting to see an endo asap so I can learn if there are any low dose options that I can try for a few months, but she wants me to wait until February.  I understand that she wants to go slow, but that feels like a snail's pace to me, and every day I have to wait becomes more and more unbearable...

I was on Sertraline several years ago, before I started transitioning. It didn't really do much for me. Is it helping you?
I much prefer Wellbutrin for an anti-depressant.
Some women here report lessened dysphoria on low dose Estradiol, but I'm skeptical. I wonder how much of it is just placebo effect. But if it helps them feel better, who am I to argue?!

Honestly, depending on certain factors, you probably won't be able to start your HRT for a few months anyhow. So, it will probably be wise to get your medical appointments out of the way as soon as you can.
It literally took five months from me telling my Primary I wanted to start HRT, to when I actually had my first prescription in hand.
You can always wait to start taking your estradiol in February, since that seems so important to your wife.

You might consider starting beard removal if you're planning on transition. It's one of those things that the sooner you start, the sooner you're done.

All the best,
--AshleyP

Quote from: LexiDreamer on September 19, 2017, 11:24:12 AM
I was on Sertraline several years ago, before I started transitioning. It didn't really do much for me. Is it helping you?
I much prefer Wellbutrin for an anti-depressant.

The first day I took it I felt it.  I thought maybe it was a placebo affect, but it really worked.  Then nothing for about 4 days.  I was started small, and worked up to where I am now.  I was disappointed that I had weight gain, and so I had my psychiatrist decrease my dose by half, but for two weeks my coworkers had noticed that I was depressed again, and not my usual self, so I went back to the previous dose and I'm a happy, busy bee once again.

QuoteHonestly, depending on certain factors, you probably won't be able to start your HRT for a few months anyhow. So, it will probably be wise to get your medical appointments out of the way as soon as you can.

I've already got the diagnosis, and now I'm supposed to see an endocrinologist.  I have a referral already from my referral manager and I'm planning on setting that appointment up soon.  My wife and I did talk about the appointment, and she's ok with me making it sooner than February to talk about options, as long as I'm not making a decision that day.
I am really hoping that there are low dose options though...

~Ashley

Quote from: AshleyP on September 19, 2017, 12:44:00 PM
You might consider starting beard removal if you're planning on transition. It's one of those things that the sooner you start, the sooner you're done.

All the best,
--AshleyP

Hi Ashley!!  Yes I'm desperately wanting to do that asap, but my wife is concerned about the cost of the treatment.  I'd prefer electrolysis since I hear it's more effective... I guess I need to look into that more.

Thanks!
~Ashley

You might not want to set on electrolysis without some thought to laser. I am almost seventy and have a lot of gray hair, only electrolysis for me. If your facial hair is dark and skin tone lighter, laser may be a better starting point. With electrolysis each and every hair will require electrocution. Laser works on areas, for me, each zap covered about a quarter of an inch square zapping several hairs. Many have chosen the path of starting with laser for six to eight sessions and then moving to electrolysis to clear out the remaining growth. Note, not everyone is a candidate for laser; it wasn't highly effective for me but many swear by it.

I do have some fairly dark hairs, so maybe I should consider that option.  It would be nice to do a whole area at once.  I'm wondering how large the "area" usually is though.

Too bad I couldn't get it done before I go out tonight!

Thanks for the advice!
~Ashley

There are many different approaches to electrolysis and a couple for laser. For me, I started with laser buying a package of six sessions. Each session had the technician mark off grid lines on my face and systematically zap me, move a quarter of an inch and zap again. This continued until my entire face was clear. My preparation was to shave and use some numbing cream. Some areas felt a twinge with each zap, some areas really stung (upper lip and jaw line were worst for me). Dead black hairs fell out right away and some worked their way out over a day or three.

Electrolysis is typically done in limited time windows with the duration being set by your endurance with pain. Some go as little as fifteen minutes a session and Mighty Michelle used to do two two hour sessions a day sometimes scheduled twice a week if my memory is correct. My technician suggested that her clients typically required between 200 and 400 hours to fully clear a face (her rate was $85/hr). I made it through six or eight hours before realizing that I couldn't handle the pain. I have been going to E3000 in Dallas Texas where they numb my face with injections (which really hurt but are then over) and totally clear the face, two technicians working straight through a six to ten hour day. They suggest that their average client requires 90 technician hours ($110/ tech hour) over 12 to 14 sessions spaced 6 to 10 weeks apart for permanent clearing. The first session leaves your face quite swollen for several days. I had my 10th session a couple of weeks ago and the swelling was hardly noticeable. Preparation for any electrolysis requires not shaving for long enough to let the technicians grasp the hairs. Many of us use numbing creams. When I started (pre hrt) it required 2 to 3 days not shaving, after being on hrt for ~15 months this is up to 6 days of hair growth (hrt can slow hair growth) which is a significant inconvenience being out full time. Also, for me, my face is more sensitive after beginning hrt and the electrolysis hurts more. Recommendation, get as much done before you begin hrt. And be ready for the process to take years and cost a small to medium fortune.