Many of the posts we get are of course from new people, stating their fears and wondering what on earth is going to happen to them, their relationships and life.

So often those of us who have 'been there, done that, moved on' just leave the site either deliberately or by drifting away as we no longer need the support and help that the Forum can give.

Of course one issue for 'oldies' is that the new posts are repetitive and people can't be bothered to answer. This is of course natural and understandable and no matter how much we may have enjoyed our first breast buds for MtF or our face getting hairy or voice pitch dropping for FtM, it does become a bit blasé after a while.

So I was thinking of this thread as a chance for 'oldies' to post what were your greatest fears, did they eventuate and how did you overcome them.

Of course the reverse holds true. For new people to transitioning ask a question of how you overcame something. Was your own fear ever really an issue for post transitioners?

Maybe we can build this up into a FAQ about transitioning.

I'll kick off.

I will lose my job.

I was and am a high ranking professional in the health services at Professorial level. A highly competitive field and male dominated. I depended upon competitive research grants, willingness of colleagues to refer patients to my Unit, my ability to function in high level cut and thrust managerial situations. I was totally dependent upon my income and there was no alternative employment for me.

In thinking through my transition on the job I did make sure my colleagues were on my side, particularly my female colleagues. I also made sure that I was not open to criticism from higher management to avoid any failures in my job description and PR&D.
So, I protected my back.

What happened: I lost power, I lost male privilege and I had to rediscover how to conduct myself at meetings, this is were my female colleagues helped enormously.
I was protected by strong anti-discrimination laws. I made sure that I was well known as a TG woman and so there was no stealth but also no one could snipe at me; my thinking was if I was to be a target I would be a very obvious one so as to raise questions.

The outcome: I kept my position and it was strengthened in some areas and weakened considerably in others. I very probably missed out on a promotion.  I was asked by my University to represent LGBTIQ issues and female professional issues. I notice that all of my recent grants and papers are with female colleagues, in the past they were all with male colleagues and the occasional female.

Regrets: None.

Cindy,
   I think this is a very good idea. As I think back to starting transition, I felt like I was between that rock and a hard place. The dsyphoria and need to be female were incredibly strong and the pathway forward looked impossible. I was terrified at the possibilities of maybe losing everyone in my life, what if I am not really trans enough, etc., etc. If I would advise someone thinking in such terms, I would say take a breath. It doesn't (usually) happen all in one day. Figure out a plan for going forward, take it a step at a time. It's like climbing a mountain. If you think of climbing the whole mountain,you may never start. Each step over time will bring you up that mountain. Some days you will push yourself to move through the fears and other days it is okay to give yourself a break. Be hopeful and be positive, it can be great!
   Hope this is in line with your thread idea Cindy.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on September 17, 2017, 09:35:24 AM
Cindy,
   I think this is a very good idea. As I think back to starting transition, I felt like I was between that rock and a hard place. The dsyphoria and need to be female were incredibly strong and the pathway forward looked impossible. I was terrified at the possibilities of maybe losing everyone in my life, what if I am not really trans enough, etc., etc. If I would advise someone thinking in such terms, I would say take a breath. It doesn't (usually) happen all in one day. Figure out a plan for going forward, take it a step at a time. It's like climbing a mountain. If you think of climbing the whole mountain,you may never start. Each step over time will bring you up that mountain. Some days you will push yourself to move through the fears and other days it is okay to give yourself a break. Be hopeful and be positive, it can be great!
   Hope this is in line with your thread idea Cindy.
Moni

And then there are the days you slip on the moss covered rock and slide back down a few feet, getting bruised knees and shedding a few tears. Yet, you know the only way out of that pit of despair you were living is to dust yourself and keep on going. After another good cry or two

So, how does it go interacting with people day to day after transitioning. When you come out, there is a sense that the weight of the secret is finally gone. Things can go different ways with loved ones of course, but my experience was one of relief. I was terrified with my closest loved ones. It later became a catharsis to get everyone told. I told about 90 coworkers in person. (Other's experience can be very different.) After people knew my truth, people were a little unsure. There is a fear of saying the wrong thing to me, I guess. This can sometimes appear to be disapproval. I actually thought a number of coworkers were weird about me only to find out that they didn't know how to treat me, talk to me. It might be a little like finding out someone you know has a serious disease. "What do I say? Oh I don't want to say the wrong thing." Now, I am starting to get new coworkers who I am never sure if they know I am trans. People are generally nice or at least quiet. I kind of feel like I can tell if they think I am trans with certain conversations. For example, if you are asking about a new acquaintance's  family life, the questions are not reciprocated. They don't ask about your life with respect to spouse or kids. Again, fear of how to handle something new I guess. At times, it can be isolating since I neither run from who I am nor feel obligated to state that I am trans. It is nice that no one has been hostile to me in my experience. It's nice no one has blurted out, "Are you trans." I am not complaining. It is something I noticed that might be of use to someone. I find myself wondering how different this might go in other areas of the country or other professions.
Moni

Great idea Cindy! I'm an "oldie" in two respects, I'm 52 and I transitioned 10 years ago. I'm assuming 10 years makes me an oldie.

My fears in my first two years:
1. Everyone staring at me in public - I overcame this with time, and I shake my head now, that people weren't staring. I was just paranoid
2. Could I pass? I overcame this by Googling a local makeup artist who worked out of her home. She spent hours with me explaining how to apply makeup, what to buy, how to use brushes etc. We're still great friends 10 years later.
3. My voice - I took voice lessons from a speech therapist who specialized in trans folks. I practiced a lot, but always felt unnatural. My new voice sounded forced..and I always had to think before I spoke. After year two, being more comfortable in public, I quit the lessons. Best thing I ever did. Do I care what people think of my voice? Nope. No one has even said anything to me, never laughed or criticized. People really don't care.
4. Finding love again. This part I pondered: could I attract a partner...someone who could accept me? I was shocked when I put personal ads on vanilla sites. Guys contacted me, and while 90% said no, I did get dates. Guys weren't curious, they just enjoyed my company going to movies...or coffee...or dinner. 4 years I met a special someone...and he puts up with me lol.

I can honestly say, if I had a magic wand, and a gazillion dollars, I would have not changed the way I transitioned. I still would have never spent money on surgeries, I still believe passing is attitude and confidence. I believe the longer you live full time, the less you care what people think.

Only 2 years post transition, but I have learned a few things.

1. I spent way to much time worrying about passing 100% It's not all about looks, it's more attitude, actions, and voice. Once the HRT softens things up a bit and you add the attitude, actions, and voice you'll be amazed at how well you can pass.

2. Being a woman is amazing! I wouldn't trade this for anything, and that includes the bad days.

3. Dating. Ok, it's not all fun and games. When you tell them you transitioned odds are your going to lose them.

4. Voice. OMG, the voice takes a long time. Same advise as electrolysis, start yesterday.

Clothing. (This is more for MTF.)

All that stuff you bought before HRT, probably doesn't fit right anymore so you probably don't have enough.
While a guy can get away with one pair of pants and 5 dress shirts for a week of work clothes, a woman can't.
Don't just get clothing for work, you need even more stuff for when you aren't working.

All that sexy clothing you bought, can't really be worn most of the time.

Stuff you got when you first transitioned might not fit anymore a few months later as HRT continues to change your body shape.

Don't get rid of all your male stuff. Shirts are easily repurposed.

If you can't find larger woman's sizing for some items, it's ok to get a men's one. You are not going backwards. Lots of woman buy men's clothing because it fits them better.

Get a few bras that match your body color. Yes, that sexy black one looks awesome, but you can't really wear it under light colored tops. But don't buy too many bras, again, your body is still changing.

A woman's waist is measured in a completely different location than a man's waist. You might be able to fit in a smaller size pants than you think. Also the rise matters. You might be able to fit into a smaller size in low rise pants, than in a higher rise.

If you are buying a dress, fit it to your largest measurement.

A male body generally has longer arms and a longer torso than a females for a given height. You might fit better in tall sizes for some things, even though you aren't tall.

If I had to leave a message in a bottle to those who come after me on this site, I would probably write something like this:

If you are reading this, then you have had some serious thoughts about who you are and what you should do about these inescapable feelings you are dealing with about being the wrong gender. If you have had these feelings, I can tell you that they are never, ever going to just "go away".  You will find ways to deal with them, as I have for most of my life, but there may come a day when you tell yourself you have to do something, because it's just tearing you apart.

The first thing you should do is find an experienced gender therapist so you can sort out all the stuff in your head.  Sometimes it is such a relief just to be able to talk about it.  Don't be embarrassed! Your therapist is a trained professional and will not judge you.  They have heard most everything you will probably say.

You should understand that full social and medical transition is not the only outcome for transgenders.  For some of you, just talking things out and understanding why you feel the way you do may be enough to get on with your life.  You may not have to change a thing in order to be happy. Being transgender may simply mean you don't identify completely with the gender that corresponds with your biological sex, or it may mean you identify completely with the opposite gender.  Either way, do not feel that you have to abandon your life in order to transition.

Just as being transgender is a spectrum of gender identity, transition can encompass a broad range of outcomes. You do what you think is right for you. Unfortunately, that is harder than it sounds.  We are connected to our family, our friends, and our jobs. These people and activities are our support, and our identities.  We rightfully worry that we will be judged for coming out as transgender, and not in a good way.  We risk losing everything just by being who we are.

So what can you do?  When I first acknowledged that I was transgender and contemplated transitioning, the very concept  was completely overwhelming.  Full transition was impossible for me, I knew that for a fact. But doing nothing was not an option, either.  I decided not look at the huge, insurmountable mountain looming large, but instead focused on the path immediately in front of me.  I did things one step at a time.  If it got to be too much, I could stop. If I tried my best and I couldn't do it, then so be it. I would know that transition was not an option for me and I would live out my life as a male.

I started out by doing things that didn't out me as transgender or commit me to transitioning. I grew my hair out. There are lots of guys with long hair.  I started facial hair removal. There are lots of guys with little facial hair.  I got my ears pierced.  There are lots of guys with earrings.  With each step, my confidence grew.

The turning point for me was deciding to try HRT.  For me, the psychological effects were profound. Within weeks of starting hormones, I changed. It was subtle, but definitely a change.  I was no longer so unhappy.  I was no longer experiencing that horrible sense of dysphoria that had plagued me my whole life!  That was it for me. There was no going back to being male.

Not to say everything was easy after that, because it wasn't.  My first times going out en femme terrified me.  I got through it with the help of supportive friends.  It does get easier after the first few times.  Not easy, but easier. Hopefully you will have a good female mentor, who can coach you on how to dress, how to walk, and how to act.  Dress to blend in.  Don't go out looking like a drag queen or a porn star. Practice your voice. 

If you get to this point, full transition may be your goal.  Try to have a plan.  It is expensive, and there are lots of hoops to jump through if you want FFS, BA, SRS, etc. The other part of your plan is not about you, but those family members, friends, and employers that have to transition with you. You are not owed acceptance. It is something we ask for. Keep that in mind.  You have had a lifetime to work on this.  Others may be dealing with this only in the last few days, weeks, or months.  Not everyone will accept you, but in my experience many will.  Keep in mind that initial reactions are not final reactions.  I worried about losing my family, friends, and my job.  I kept my job and most of my friends.  I was not so lucky with my family. My older step-son flat out told me that I was an embarrassment to the family and I should leave and go far away.  My wife acted like I was a child molester.  My sons, ages 11 and 13, had real trouble with it, but I hung in there, and tried to keep the stress minimal.  I always presented myself androgynously.  I always told them I loved them.  Some months later, I can tell you that there is some acceptance.

So here I am, writing this letter to you, three and-a-half years after I decided to transition at age 56.  I am now a very passable post-op transgender woman.  That impossible dream of being a girl has come true.  I cannot explain how I found the courage and strength to transition, but I'm glad I did.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it was so worth it. You can do this, too, if you really want it. Have faith in yourself.

Blessings to all of you,

Terri

Relax. Relax! Relax, the world is not going to end. Generally, people either don't care or are to busy to notice.

This of course depends on your area.  Where I live (near Chicago, but in a very conservative neighboring state) I have had zero issues or troubles.  I may be the only openly transwoman in my town of 20-30,000 people.  Again I've not had a single issue.

The rule I'm living by is "nobody cares".  Anyone who stares is secretly wishing they could transition themselves.

I'm happy without an asterisk now. 

I am sad (still cry at times over it) about my marriage ended after 32 years. But she didn't want to be married to a woman.

I could go on and on and on, but remember nobody cares what you do.  It doesn't affect them.

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

I'd refer people to these two sites

Ts roadmap http://www.tsroadmap.com/index.html

Lyn Conway's pages http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/TS-II.html

Don't let fear hold you back from anything. From the second you are born, you are running out of time.

There's a whole world out there, take what you want from it.

Hugs, Devlyn

Considering that I'm just 3 months into HRT, I wasn't sure it was appropriate for me to post here, so I PMed Cindy and she encouraged me to go ahead.

I just want to thank all of you who've reached what I consider to be my ultimate goal, then stuck around to help those of us still in the process. Your posts are incredibly helpful and encouraging, and have had a material affect on my confidence. As I told Cindy, just having affirmation from those who've actually lived it, that it is possible to have a positive outcome helps me stay focused and optimistic. I will get to where you are some day.

You're all my heroes.

Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 23, 2017, 10:50:18 PM
Considering that I'm just 3 months into HRT, I wasn't sure it was appropriate for me to post here, so I PMed Cindy and she encouraged me to go ahead.

I just want to thank all of you who've reached what I consider to be my ultimate goal, then stuck around to help those of us still in the process. Your posts are incredibly helpful and encouraging, and have had a material affect on my confidence. As I told Cindy, just having affirmation from those who've actually lived it, that it is possible to have a positive outcome helps me stay focused and optimistic. I will get to where you are some day.

You're all my heroes.

Stephanie

Ditto! Pre transition here and this is a very useful thread. I hadn't replied cuz I didn't want to interrupt all the tips but I've been reading since the beginning.

Question do you girls get depressed more? That is one my fears. I'm very emotional and easily get sad and depressed, I'm just scared that it will only get worse along the way.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

   I can only speak for myself here, but it is a hard thing to do, changing around your life with transition. You have to allow for some down's as well as up's. I try not to go too extreme with emotions, not too high or too low. It is a long process, and you will have to be as patient as you can manage. I spent many an hour on here trying to feel better when things looked bad. It can be so frustrating to wait. Getting it out to someone who understands is helpful, but the only thing that will get you there is working hard toward your goal in your real life. Don't let the fear run your life. Common theme here right? Well, if you let the fear rule things, you will get depressed. The assumption of this thread is that of transitioning. If you made this choice, go for it, if you are not getting support, seek out those who will support you. If plan A doesn't work, go to plan B. Try to grab for as much control as you can. Stay as positive as possible.
   Now, I am extremely pleased with how things have gone for me. The thing is, ya still have up and down days. I was so horribly, grumpy today. It was probably related to my transition. Yeah, it was. There is no goal line that you cross and everything is perfect. The thing is, it is so much better. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined me standing/sitting in the middle of a thousand  people in a skirt with no one thinking a thing about it. It is without a doubt less depressing to be true to yourself. You have to get past thinking the world has you in its spot light, but being who you are and relaxing with others as who you are is way fulfilling. Keep in mind that the longer you go and the more you experience, the better you can relax and enjoy yourself. I am still working on where I want to be, but most days I am happier than even my best days as a pretender 'guy.'
Moni

Thank you for the thanks and the responses from others who are in the over the hill gang as it were 

My perspective on Depression.
[I'm adding this bit after I wrote my response. Writing this has been therapeutic, I've had a bad week dealing with my health issues and worry. I coped. I never stopped smiling, I just needed more pain killers but see below]

I was quite severely depressed. I had childhood and adolescent issues of rape, abuse, drugs and alcohol. Loss of my partner (she is alive and lovely but essentially a paraplegic who has to live in care) and of course GD.

I had great therapists, they were both psychiatrists who had worked with TG people for years and understood the 'syndrome'. I have never received any counselling for being TG, I received help for the issues that surround it. I once asked my psychiatrist "When did you know I was trans?" His reply? 'When you walked through my office door. Why else would you have come to see me?'
The role of my therapists was to help me cope with the PTSD from my life traumas and to give me the tools to understand and deal with them. Depression is a disease and it needs to be treated. You may need chemicals to rebalance the brain, you almost certainly need skills to recognise what is going on in your head and how to deal with the situation.
For example I had recurrent gang rape nightmares. I had them for over 35 years and would wake up most nights screaming as I relived being beaten and raped.  My psychiatrist taught to recognise when they were starting; to wake up before the nightmare, settle myself down and return to sleep. It took work, practice and effort to overcome them. I needed help.
I haven't had such a nightmare in years now.

Yes, I had the lovely euphoria when I started HRT that most of us report with gorgeous enthusiasm  , mine was at 28 minutes past 2 on the 28 July 20something or other in the car park of the Pharmacy where I got my first script filled. Not that it is a lasting memory!

It was just a euphoria; I had to work on the depression. It took hard work and I needed help to allow myself to live (this is to me a key point in my happiness).

Two comments that I recall from medics who dealt with my GD. My psychiatrist when I asked if she was just being a gate-keeper (I was feeling particularly bitchy that day). "My role is to help you cope with being you. You are the only person who knows who you are, I'm just helping you make the introductions."
My surgeon when I had pre-surgery doubts,  "My role is to help you be happy. I shall do whatever you want, whenever you want me to do it. Take your time as surgery will change nothing between your ears, just between your legs."
[Another comment post writing. I work with my medics, I am an equal (as you are), I let them know how I feel, I describe, I talk, I'm honest. I don't complain, whinge or know better. But I let them know how everything they do affects me. They are Medics not Vets, animals cannot describe how they feel, humans can. But I do so respectfully and with the desire to help them to help me. Respect goes two ways.]

Looking back both comments were absolutely true - for me, as ever YMMV.

Final comments on depression for me.
As many know, I was diagnosed with hypolaryngeal cancer in 2016 and have come through extensive chemo, radiotherapy and surgery. My medical team from the receptionists, tea ladies & tea men (who were so lovely making me a special cuppa when I was struggling), porters who transferred me between wards, nurses, technicians and medics all treated me with love and respect. I maintained my humour and happiness throughout - even when I was crawling on the floor and weeping- because I knew who I was and I know that I am a happy girl who loves life.
My psychiatrist came to visit me in hospital post laryngectomy surgery (we are now friends and will be so for ever) and asked "How do you think 'He' would have coped?" I wrote on my note pad, as I no longer had vocal cords as they had been removed along with my larynx, 'He would be dead, he couldn't have coped and had no reason to live, but Cindy loves life and I will fight for every breath and with a smile on my face.'

Yes I get sad, yes I deal with my cancer thoughts as they play games in my brain, I worry, I cry. I deal with it (I wish there was a 'give the bird' emoji)

Am I depressed?
No I'm not. I'm just dealing with the crap that comes from a horrible disease and I do so happily.
So don't worry about transitioning triggering or prolonging depression get help to deal with it as best as you can in the best way for you. 
In my mind, depression and GD and transitioning are in separate boxes.

We deal with them. One is not a cure for the other. We seek help and we work hard as we can.
And we support each other with big hugs.

Cindy

I am humbled by Cindy's strength in dealing with so much in a lifetime (so far). It is an amazing story of perseverance and courage. My story is so much different although I have experienced depression as well. The common thing that I see in reading  these posts is the advice of working for yourself, being positive, seek help, and work hard at making your future.
Moni
Thanks Cindy, you inspire me.

That is some serious stuff, Cindy. You must be a riduculously strong Woman. I'm absolutely awed at your ability to surmount the insurmountable. 

Cindy, you make me realize just how ridiculous it is for me to be depressed or whiny about my situation. I have it incredibly good compared to a lot of my sisters and brothers here. I intend to take inspiration from you and all the posters here, and remember all the great advice if I ever start feeling bad again.

Thank you all.

Steph

Wow Cindy. I take off my hat for you. You are one strong woman, and that's some great advice you gave us there.