I feel like it is going to happen again. If it's not already happening. Chronic pain makes my mind super worse when the dysphoria hits. And even when the dysphoria is not there it causes me even more distress in my mind because I feel I am letting people down. It's like My mind thinks others are thinking, "oh I see you walk and never complain about the pain. So the pain can't be that bad." But in reality it's so bad sometimes even while I am out and about you would never understand how I could be out of bed. I have trained my self to walk and etc to not show the pain. If that makes sense? It's like right now I have some really intense pain. But I can't even tell my wife because it seems she is one of the ones who thinks it can't be that bad. Like being trans, I have little hints there is pain. Like there are little hints that I am trans. But I don't just blurt out it hurts so bad I don't want to do this today.

I actually don't even know what I am trying to say. It just feels like one more added thing that keeps me from even wanting friends because I do not want to let them down.

I have spent some of my life feeling that nobody wants to be my friend because of my pain and limitations. Like why invite her if she is going to turn us down. And then I make that worse because who wants to spend time with me as a trans person. Then it feels like when I make new friends that accept me as trans I will just let them down because of my pain. So who wants to spend time with a trans person who has chronic pain that can't be around or may have to cancel because of it.

I know it's just my mind playing with me. I know what I need to do. It's just getting it out does help when you are laying by yourself with nobody to talk to when your pain has kicked you while your down. When you can't even get your partner to leave the TV in the living room and come cuddle with you, when that's all you need.

I am just venting and feeling sorry for myself. I had to cancel stuff because of the pain and it drives me nuts.

And the fact that I get this new so freakin intense pain that won't go away 100% just makes everything just a little worse.

The funny thing is that it's happened before. I'm good enough for now. But when someone meets someone who they think is better they leave and instead of being honest and blunt they just slowly weed me out. I was hurt before so I have issues. Also funny anybody and I mean anybody ever needed me I would be there.

I have re read all that and it makes no sense. Make any sense to you? I think I'm just lonely and writing all the crazy stuff in my head.

Pain wise I am in a stage where I am working out more and getting my body stronger. The break down when I have more pain is going to happen. But when it heals I will be better for it so I have to keep going. I want to go back to work so I have to get stronger. Stuff happens so canceling things because of pain happens. I know everybody understands and I am over thinking it. And my partner, she loves me. Just today she comes in while I am laying down and shows me these super cute clothing items says order 2 of different sizes and she knows full well I will wear one. She is just too cute sometimes.

So what's in our minds is not reality all the time. lol. Just is hard not letting it make you think it's reality.

Thanks for listening


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Norma, dealing with pain is it's own struggle.  Like GD, I'm sure it can be debilitating.  If you need time, no worries.  We will still be here for you.

My wife has been living (if you can call it that) chronic pain for over 15 years. Saying it sucks barely touches the surface. Add to it a lifetime of fighting depression.... I never know for sure a lot of days what I'll find when I came home from work

Hi Norma

A kindred spirit in pain here. I have a chronic pancreatitis that causes me chronic pain and have an implanted medical pump that delivers medication directly to me via my spinal fluid 24/7 at a constant rate. I have to go in every 12 weeks for a "top up" however the result is my pain has been under control ever since it was implanted 5 years ago. However the preceding 12 years before this were very unpleasant.

Being in chronic pain is very challenging and I actually understand what you are talking about, there was a period of time when I did not want to talk to people because all they saw was a "person in pain" and not me. I remember having to ask my family if we could actually talk about something else when the spoke to me...I do not try and hide when I have pain anymore...If I have it, I deal with it. My family understand that I can become unwell very quickly and without warning...but it took time for them to understand this. The hardest thing to get them to realise is that even if I am having a bad day part of my strategy to cope is to deliberately not focus on it and I may well be able to continue what I am doing if given a few minutes to collect myself. They now allow me that time and we then continue without a huge disruption.

It took them a long time to understand that I will not vocalise how I am feeling unless there is a need for it and that they cannot judge my level of pain without asking me. I may appear to have pain but that does not mean I want to cease ( or get in a discussion about it, no matter how well intentioned) what I am doing and quite often I will get ambushed with a hug when I am having a bad day.  All this took time and I had to set boundaries for us both.

Feeling dysphoric while in physical pain compounds the pain situation for me. I would get stress induced acute pain on a regular basis and this was the "suck the wind out of your lungs, drop you to the floor" kind....Since I began to transition those attacks have faded to a rarity.  Touch wood....I haven't experienced one since starting HRT.

Having your head in the right space to deal with your chronic pain is so important. I am far better equipped to deal with it now than I ever have been. My illness comes in and kicks my butt just to remind me "its in charge" but on the whole getting my Dysphoria under control has help a huge amount.


Then there are some days that it just sucks and you are sick of it...