Not having a good day.  My wife and I had a lot of running around to do and brought up a lot of thoughts.  I guess it started last night when we met my uncle and his girlfriend for dinner.

I am really close to my uncle as we are very close in age and grew up like brothers (well as best I could do...).  He doesn't know about me yet and am very afraid to tell him as I am not sure how he'll take it.  When we talked about my daughter he said to me "Why couldn't he, sorry she, just have been gay?".  Not sure how he really feels but he isn't mean to her or ignores her.

While we were sitting and talking it hit me that I have no clue who I really am.  I have played this role for 51 years.  I feel like somebody that has been undercover for years and can't separate from the 2 people...the real person they started as...and the character they played to be undercover.

Watching people today I see what I missed out on...growing up and finding the real me.  As an older transitioner I don't feel I'll get the chance to explore who I really am.  Young people get to experiment with style/personality/etc...at 51 years old it would be a little funny seeing an older lady trying to dress like some teenage kid.

I am scared that people won't see me as a woman or accept me as one.  Deep down I know that I am female but it scares me to find out what awaits me.  So it comes down to the subject line: "Who The Heck Am I???"

Charlene

You are Charlene.  A woman who has not yet met yourself.  But one day, you will. 

We will never know what it is like to be ourselves 13, but we can have the hormones of a 13 year old and experience some of the changes that 13 year olds experience.  At age 51, there is lots of time for you to explore who you are.  You won't necessarily wear the clothes that 13 year olds wear, but you can have a lot of fun exploring what 51 year old women can wear.

I played my role for 61 years.  Today, at age 63, I am enjoying life as myself.  I have never felt happiness in my life like I do now.  I get to wear pretty clothes and feel good about myself.  I like who I am now.

I too spent some 50 years playing a role, living up to other people's expectations. Worse is the role I saw in my head as to what those expectations for "A guy" were.

Eight years ago I came to the point in life of needing to take the trans beast on for real. It took several years before I gained a reasonable idea of who I MIGHT be. Even today the who I am is still being discovered as I slowly become a for real person

At some point in the last ten years I realized who I wasn't, so I moved away from that. I'm not sure I'll ever know who I am based on that experience. But I'm happier with myself, that's all that matters to me. Everyone around me sees it too. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks for the replies.  It helps a lot to hear others point of view on it.

I was just feeling a little scared and worried that I would lose myself in all this but at the sametime excited that I may just find myself as well...

"but you can have a lot of fun exploring what 51 year old women can wear." <-- this is one of the things I am really looking forward to.  My wife and I do seem to have the same test in clothes so it makes looking for clothes a little more fun than before. 

Charlene

You are you... as long as you and your wife are happy; don't let anyone tell you that you are anything else.

Hi Charlene...

Many of us come to this point in our lives around the half century mark... I hate the term midlife crisis ... It is not a crisis ... Rather, it is a wonderful time of evaluation and readjustment in our lives... It is a time of honesty with ourselves... Are we where we want to be in our life?... Are we doing what is important to us... In many ways 50 years may be the limit for pretending and living a life that is not truly our own.... A life we think is the one others expect us to live and not the one we would choose

As far as how others perceive you.... You may find this journey filled with an avalanche of self revelations ... One of them may be that living the truth of who you are is far more important to you than being perceived as being a cis woman 100% of the time by 100% of the people...

Self acceptance is one of the things at the core of this journey... Stripping away all the layers we have placed over ourselves to both bury and protect the woman inside throughout the years... We have often done such a good job of burying who we are that we don't truly know ourselves... We feel a lack of connection between ourself, the world... and even those closest to us... How can we truly feel loved when others haven't even truly seen who we are inside? ... In a very real way, I believe transition is an attempt to place ourselves at a point in life where we can finally and truly give and receive love... Making this quite the spiritual journey indeed

The good news is... Our lives are truly what we make them to be and your choices can be made to work... It is never too late when you find yourself walking the wrong road in life to get out your map and navigate yourself to where you want to be

The blanks in our knowledge about what this course correction will bring are easy to fill with our deepest fears... Be cognizant that this is human nature and hold instead to the hope of the amazing life that may lay ahead for you...  Fear is the part of us that seeks to keep us safe but, never let it rule you!

I wish you all the best as you explore the road ahead and claim a life that will finally be your own

Onward we go brave sister

Ashley 😀

P.S. Life is short... Wear whatever you want!!!  !!!!!

So true, so true, so true. Life is so completely brilliant when you are yourself. Best not to dwell on the years as the bridesmaid 



Paula, X.