Where Dreams Come TrueHi All,
I wrote earlier about my friends inviting me and my wife to Disney World. We went on Wednesday and Thursday. I gave myself yesterday to think about it all and let my conclusions bubble to the surface. Here's how it went:
Other than the night I re-met the woman who would eventually marry me, it was probably the most memorable time of my life.
Getting ready was stressful. I wanted to make a good impression, and had to pick out three different outfits - one for the initial meeting, one for a T-network social gathering that evening, and one for trooping around Disney the next day. I thought I had it figured out beforehand, but as I packed I kept changing things and getting more and more freaked out. I was being such a stereotypical girl...
We had reserved a room for Wednesday night, so we drove the hour and a half to Disney and met T and his wife L there in early afternoon. As you drive in, you're required to show photo ID at the entrance gate, so there was an anxious moment as we waited in line, considering that I was already dressed. Happily they only check the ID of whomever's driving, which was my wife, so I dodged that bullet. When our friends arrived, we had to walk the length of the check-in area (a lot like an airport terminal building) to meet them. Though we've known each other for 15 years, they had never met
me before - this was in fact the first time
anyone from my previous existence had met me in person. That was a long walk. I was wearing a dark button down top, a white tennis skirt, blue-with-white-polka-dots canvas sneakers, and a white sun hat. I was watching for the reaction, and what I got was a smile and a hug. I mentioned that I was nervous about it all, and he didn't understand. He told me as far as he was concerned, I was just another of the girls walking around the building.
While my wife and L stood in line to check in, T and I went to the food court to buy drinks. He got a beer and I got a diet Coke, and we put them both on his order. When we went to the checkout, something very cool happened. The cashier looked at the order, then at me, and then at T, and said, "Only one beer because she's not old enough, right?" Now, that's the way to start a vacation. I was grinning like a fool. Give that girl a raise.
After we got checked in we went out for lunch, and the ladies (3) and gentleman (1) were treated very well. After relaxing for the afternoon and moving into our rooms, I changed into the outfit that I had worn for the first time I went dressed to see my therapist (story here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,206382.msg2016008.html#msg2016008) and we left T and L to go to a T-network social gathering outside Orlando. We met some cool people there and did some networking and sharing of hints and tips. Here I am in the group picture (hat and black flowered top):
When that meeting broke up, we met up with T and L at a piano bar back at Disney. The only seats left were close to the stage and I had to sit in front of them. I apologized for blocking their view, but told them they shouldn't mind, because
I was fabulous! Well, that
was the way I was feeling...
The next morning I was nervous again for some reason. I was also a little disheartened because the day before, T and L and even my wife had done a fair amount of misgendering and dead-naming. I had to keep reminding myself that not only had they known the old me for a very long time, but since I'm still flip-flopping between old and new, they were probably feeling whipsawed, and having a hard time keeping up. Since I knew they were really trying, and none of it was mean-spirited, I gave them a pass - and they needed it, because it continued most of that day, too. I just settled on asking, "who?" if they dead-named me, and suggesting the correct pronoun when they got that wrong. It got awkward in the middle of the day when they, when trying to get my attention, would yell, "Steve, uh, STEPH!" Nobody seemed to notice, though. They finally started to get it toward the end of the day. And that was the only negative of the whole adventure. Speaking of adventure, let's rejoin our heroine:
Today the outfit was
casual fabulous. Lightweight plaid button down top, tan capris, white tennies, and a tan sun hat. Oh, and my new 36A bra, which I almost filled - well enough that I went without the breast forms. Woohoo! After breakfast in the food court, we hopped a bus and headed for Disney's Wild Kingdom park. There's no real point in describing the park itself. It's typical Disney wonderfulness combined with a zoological conservation and research park, a few rides, and a new Pandora area based on the Avatar movie. We almost got eaten by dinosaurs, were nearly cremated by the meteor that wiped them out (serves them right for trying to eat us), watched monkeys playing, visited with all kinds of savannah animals, said hi to some lowland gorillas who were pretty laid back about it all, were wowed by a live bird presentation, became 3D bugs for a while, and watched a cool night pageant on the lake.
Through it all there was absolutely no drama. My previous attitude had always been to keep my eyes down - don't make eye contact and be invisible. Then I realized that my sunglasses are pretty dark and slightly mirrored, and nobody can see where I'm looking. So my mission was to look at everyone and try to detect any sideways glances or outright strange looks. I kept my head up, a slight smile on my face, and looked at everyone. Doing that sent positive feedback to my attitude - and as I'm reminded here, attitude is the major part of passing. Before long the smile wasn't forced.
And there was
nothing. No double takes, no hidden smiles, no awkwardness,
zip. And due to the spiro, I had to use the ladies rooms multiple times during the day, and there was no issue there, either. Women held the door for me and smiled back, I had to stand in line inside one time, and once, in a restroom with only two sinks, a lady was standing in front of one while her daughter washed her hands in the other, and she looked up, smiled back at me, apologized, and moved over so I could wash my hands.
The only time there may have been any kind of reaction was when we sat down to eat lunch, and it could just be my hyperactive imagination. The waiter was very friendly and efficient, and asked each of us in turn for our orders: "yes sir?" (to T), "your order ma'am"?, and "yes ma'am?" (to L and my wife), and "and what would you like?" (to me). Nothing unkind or anything, just no pronouns. Eh, whatever. The food and service was good.
When we registered for our rooms, my wife came back with these buttons:
We didn't know that the Disney employees would ask
why we were celebrating, and my wife kind of stammered something out about "just celebrating" the first time it happened. I was ready then later when I was asked. I told her, "I'm starting a new life," and she said that was wonderful and congratulations. I smiled back...
I think my favorite part was when everyone else took their seats for the night show, and I decided to go in search of a pretzel, striking out on my own. I had to walk almost halfway around the entire park alone. Again I was watching for reactions, and I was just another woman in search of a snack. I finally found a vendor and practiced my voice to order my pretzel. Again no reaction. Here you are, ma'am, and thank you, oh I'm sorry ma'am we don't have lids for the cups, etc.
By the end of the day, the concealer was sweated off my face and I was starting to feel a little bristly, but things were still cool. We rode the bus back to the hotel and got a snack in the food court while we talked about how things went, what it all means, a little dive into philosophy, and what was coming up in the future. Another trip to the ladies room, and we parted with hugs and heartfelt thanks as they went back to their room and we headed home to our scurvy dawg.
So what
did it all mean? I admit that in the past, when things were relatively stable and I had myself buried pretty deeply, I didn't think much about whether I was really comfortable. That voice inside that was yelling, "hey, can I come out and play?" was suppressed so far that I could successfully ignore it. At times I even enjoyed myself. But once I let myself free, there could be no more avoiding the unreality of that old existence. Much of it was just that: existing.
For this adventure I had expected either being miserable if things didn't go well, or experiencing some kind of floaty euphoria if it did. Instead I think my takeaway from it all was that, for one of the first times in my life, I felt
normal. At the beginning of the day, I felt a little furtive, like a secret agent in enemy territory, behind the mirrored glasses watching for the bad guys. By the end of the day, I was just being
me. It showed me that you don't have to be in a constant state of overwhelming joy to be happy. What's needed is a state of mind that doesn't necessarily invoke a huge grin, but a confident smile. What I found was quiet contentment, and happiness in being a complete person.
I had regarded this as a test to prove to myself that I either was or wasn't on the right path for my life. There is no longer any doubt in my mind that transitioning is the right thing to do. I had a tentative timeline in my head for coming out to the last of the people I care about, most notably my neighbors. The whole timeline is being shifted forward. Not sure just how far yet, but with this new certainty, there's no real point in putting it off much longer. As one of Larry Niven's characters (Beowulf Shaeffer?) would say to himself, "I have to do this some time, why not now?"
Here is
me in front of Avatar's Tree of Life.
I have to wrap up with deep wholehearted thanks to T and L, and especially my wife, for helping to make this adventure, and my new life, a reality. I love you all.
Signing off (with apologies to Mawwwwnie),
HappySteph
