I read here in these post through out the Boards of indiviuals not sharing these issues with spouses because they are afraid of loosing the one they love and their marriage and the life and home they have built together. I wonder though? Is it fair to spend more time in the life and relationship they have with their other half, if they feel down deep with in themselves that they are going to loose it all when they do come out and be open and honest about it? Would it not be more loving and fair to Share these issues and let the chips fall as they will. Would it not be more fair let the one they love so much be able to move on and start a happier life for themselves before more time goes by and the preciouse years of being attractive, of being able to have and build a new relationship with another will be gone? The building for ones future takes time years even. Age can be a factor that will cause the outcome of starting over to having such an unprepared state of affairs, for how will they have enough money? How will they have a place to live that has sentimental value to them? Memories building time to draw back on when they are sitting rocking in day-dreams. Shouldn't someone be considerate enough to let the love for that spouse, be wanting that person to be free to go and have time to salvage the rest of their life and make the most of it what ever that maybe. I heard it said, "Open the door...let the birds go and what ever doesn't fly back to you didn't belong to you anyway."

Are you taking the easy way out? Is your mind frame something may happen and you'll never have to tell them? I'm all for avoiding confrontation at personal expense but not at the expense of others. We don't own another person. We don't hold another person by any means emotionally or financially, to do so is selfish. Love is not selfish. It is Kind and giving and putting someone elses interests and well being before your own. The only way you would never be obligated to tell them is if they were to die before you stood up with the charactor to do so.

Peggiann

I agree Peggiann.

                    I was silent for 30 years of marriage. Silent to everyone not just my wife. The toll on my wife and I was terrible. My depression grew worse every year, finally ruining our marriage and relationship completely.  I should have told her from the beginning but when I was young I thought I could suppress it and just live my life as a man. Later I had young children that I would have lost if I had told. I came out to her recently and she accepts me completely but knows she would not have when she was younger. Suppressing transsexuality is terrible for all concerned.  It ruins many lives and leaves hurt and pain along it's path in life. I hope there is much less suppression now then there was in the 50s and 60s.

beth


beth

I suppressed it for many years and tried living life as a man.  As soon as I came to the conclusion that this wasn't possible, I came out to my wife.  She was the first person I told.  I knew this was something I had to do and I realize that transitioning means that you may have to completely give up all the parts of your old life.  In practice, this usually doesn't happen and many parts of your old life don't just go away.

When it comes to being fair, I have to agree that anything but being 100% upfront with your spouse is unfair.  The purpose of transition is to go from leading a miserable life to a happy one.  But, the spouse needs some say in what they want to do with their life because transition affects them just as much as it does the TS.  If they do not have all the information, they will not be able to properly make good decisions with their life and as a result, will tend to be resentful to the person that decided to withhold important information from the spouse.

It is better to be upfront with the spouse and let them choose whether they want to stick around instead of being forced into being in the relationship.  If they decide to stay, the relationship will be stronger in the longrun.

Melissa

I tend to think that truth is preferable to lies... although i do understand the need for white lies for the sake of happiness.... however... this isn't one of those times...

the sooner you spill the beans the sooner you both move forward... it gives your partner and family time to cope and then you more time to transition... and seriously, time is your friend....

would go into greater explanation but I really should be asleep =/  will post more later

Peggiann,

What you say is very true.

Am I being selfish?  Possibly.  Am I taking on the role of martyr to "spare my family," and thus avoid confrontation?  I certainly won't deny it.

You have good words, echoed and re-enforced by Alison and others.  I need to think on what this means to me.

Thank you for sharing them.  And, no, my toes are not black and blue.

Chaunte

I'm so glad you didn't feel yours toes be black and blue.

I just care so much for all people it's so hard to live in the world such as it is these days and Issues of theses sorts doesn't make it easier for many either.

God bless you and you are still in my prayers as you have been some time now.

Smiles,
Peggiann

Given that my Fiancée was the first person I told after I came to my realization.

I can understand the logic, and I can understand the reasoning of keeping silent. So so often we think we are stronger, we think we can manage. We think if we keep it quiet and to ourselves it will stay there and hidden, hurting no one. But so often plans go astray, and in particular from the transsexual side of the fence the change we desire is life altering.

This said, I believe I can deal with a Cross-dressing husband keeping silent, without issue. I respect his choice and decisions or else I would not call him husband. Yes secrets hurt, especially when there are not supposed to be any secrets... but I trust his judgment.  I am sure it helps that I, myself, am all too aware of deep secrets that I never thought would escape.

But on the other hand a Transsexual husband I really, honestly want to know NOW. Given that I am transsexual I am all to keenly aware of how stinking much this state hurts. Such a partner needs all the help and support I can give, and I cannot do that while I am in the dark.

Life does not go according to plan.

For what my thoughts are worth.

Peggiann some of us have been listening to you.
Thanks to yours words of wisdom and other at Susan's I finally told my wife. I should have done it when I first realized what I real am, transgender. That was about four months before I told her. It was four months to long. I keep not just the secret of me being transgender from her but actually keep my wife away from the real me. My action (keeping a large part of me from her) has shown her that I didn't trust her or the love that we shared for over 35 years. Yet I love her so much, how could I have done that to her?  I think it was fear. Fear of losing her. And now I know by not telling her I have caused her allot more pain. She always could share her feelings with me, but now .... Therapy...... close friend of hers but not me.....
So now I'm still working at winning her total trust back.
Thank you. Believe me Peggiann your works have help me.
Jillieann

Peggiann,

Your questions really hit home for me.  I have felt very guilty for the pain I've caused my wife and have deeply considered why it is that it happened the way it did.

I revealed to my wife, before we were married, that I cross-dressed.  We even went out once, on Halloween, with her in a wheelchair and me in an old fasioned nurses uniform and white high heeled pumps.  The scary thing was that I was wearing a full beard at the time also  !  But at the time that we got married, and until last July, I told myself that that's all I was.  A cross dresser.  I was happy with myself, having let go of the guilt resulting from my feminine expressions and I can say that I was content with myself and my life.

Until last July.  Two years previously we had gone to another Halloween party for which my wife and I switched roles.  I was in a skirt and sweater, she wore my youngest son's tuxedo (she looked so cute too!  A little like Alfalfa from the "Little Rascals").  In hindsight I've realized that it was during that party that I discovered that I felt so much more comfortable, so much more in tune with how I felt inside when I was dressed that way!  The next week, I got my ears pierced and I got contact lenses so my masculine eyeglasses wouldn't detract from my appearance.  I also decided not to stop shaving my legs, even for the summer months, which is what I did before so as not to get "caught."  The thing was, though, that I did all this in view of making my cross dressing more realistic.  I still did not realize that I was actually beginning a transition.  I'm sure my wife noticed but said nothing, knowing that I still cross-dressed.

Then last July, about three weeks before my birthday I had what can only be described as a sudden realization, an epiphany, of what I had been slowly leading up to and that what I had done up till then was not going to be enough.  This event threw me into a deep depression that has not lifted completely ever since.  My wife asked me what was wrong, there was no hiding it, and I dodged the question for three weeks until I finally told her how I was feeling and why.

The point of this story is that some of us, I can't believe I'm the only one, simply do not know this about ourselves at the time when we get married.  One of the reasons I started therapy is because I cannot trust myself anymore to be honest about how I'm feeling, I've fooled myself too effectively and for too long.

You ask in the thread's title, "What is the Fair and Loving thing to do?"  I think the fair and loving thing to do on my part is to allow my wife, the person I love, to decide for herself if staying with me through this is something that she wants to do or not and, if not, to allow her to go even if it will destroy me in ways that I don't even want to or can imagine.  Will I fight for her?  Yes, of course!  But in the end I must let her go if that's what she needs to be happy.  And I think the fair and loving thing for her to do is to make that decision as soon as she can and as firmly as she can so that whatever happens, it is done with due consideration and conviction.

Grief will happen in this.  I grieve for my lost self-assurance and contentment, believe it or not.  I grieve for the pain that I may cause my family and loved ones.  I grieve for the shame that they may feel, even though I am not ultimately responsible for that shame.  But, unless a person holds on to their grief and wears it like a martyr's cloak, it will end, it will change, as all things will.

helen

Helen, that very close to what happened with me, except it was only back in October.  It was the first time I had gone out dressed in public.  That caused a major paradigm shift and my wife could obviously tell.  However, I didn't dodge the question for more than a few minutes.  It still tok me a while to figure out where exactly I stood in the transgender spectrum and I went on a month-long (or more) introspective and research journey.  Susans was also very helpful with this (which I found during my research) as well as reading the SOC and portions from the DSM IV. Depression kept getting worse and worse and then anxiety attacks started.  I started seeing a therapist in November, switched to a new one in January and started taking hromones at the beginning of February.

One thing, when my wife later asked, "Why did you wait so long to tell me?" I was able to say, "I told you as soon as I figured it out myself."

Melissa

HI to all,

I wanted to thank all those whom shared here in this thread.

I have come to care a great deal for all of those here at Susan's through reading their posts and them sharing and allowing myself and others here entrance into very personal parts of theirs lives. Through this sharing I to have grown more appreciatetive of the undiscribable relationship Leah and I share. Communitcation is really the key to making the best of every realationship.

I don't feel Leah was selfish waiting all those years and I add I understand her reasons very clearly. I feel though we have grown closer and into a deeper appreciation in the past 6 years once she told me of her chosen path in  our journey to make her as complete a lady as she can become. Some times we talk of this growth and both share our wonders of what more or how much richer our relationship would have been to this point had the secret not been kept so long.

I was able to rely on her to share and quide my 3 sons in the ways of being a Man definitley better than I could have ever imagined doing. These now young men are some of the greatest husbands and citisens of their communities because Leah's influence. Just as many of you have been in your relationships. I just can't help think that because of the freeing that coming out is accompanied by, how much closer and richer all those relationships in ones livetime could be from the start if they were on open and honest trusted ground. The constant looking over ones shoulder, the never being able to be quite the total oneself that you are sets limits on every relationship.

In my case though I had these thee sons before I married Leah. I was a widow. In many cases here in the forums there are younger and unattached and even those that are at the thresh-hold of their relationship. This post is also meant for them to consider it's points and answer these questions honestly for themselves with keeping the other person in the relationship in the for front of their minds and hearts when considering their answers.

Thanks again for your input here in this thread.

Smiles to all,
Peggiann

I was married 18 years before I came out to my (now ex) Wife.

I had been cross dressing through out my marriage and taking hormones (having seen a gender specialist) for about 6 months.

I will never forget the look on her face when I told her the truth about my life and how it had to change. She said nothing for a while, then blamed herself for not being a good wife.

As I tried to explain further, she then started to get annoyed and angry and say that I didn't love her, I had lied and I had stolen 18 years of her life.... perhaps she was right, perhaps I should never have got married.

But I genuinely loved her (and still do) 6 years on.......

Perhaps I should have told her the truth earlier, I don't know if it would have been any different. But in hindsight it would have been the best thing to do,we may have even been friends.

I hurt my ex wife deeply and I bitterly regret that.

Rebecca

My ex knew I was trans before we were married. But I thought I could put it all behind me. Then after having kids, I stayed because of them. Throughout the last 13 years we had the conversation that I still felt like a guy, and he said he understood. He knew when Marco would emerge from time to time. I would end up going out  with someone as friends, and then she would end up attracted to me as soon as she knew "my story". I guess both my ex and I knew one day that the male side of me would prevail, but it has been hard on him with my absense. I do hope he will find love, real love with someone else. I never did love him. I could not. And I was always honest with him about that too. But was it fair to him? No. I should have left much sooner, but I just thought I could somehow make it work. No such chance. I know it would have been easier on my kids had they been a little younger when I had left. I think many of us just step back from the situation and ask why? Why did we even get ourselves into a situation like that? Good question.

                                                        Marco

I can relate to so much of what has been said here.

I told my wife before we married about me. 

deleted

We never should have married, but we have been together for 40 years next month.

Sarah L.

Quote from: Buffy on August 31, 2006, 12:38:40 PM
she then... say that... I had lied and I had stolen 18 years of her life...

Yup, mine said the same thing (16 years).

QuoteBut in hindsight it would have been the best thing to do,we may have even been friends.

That's what she tells me too... that we should have been best friends, not romantic partners.

QuoteI hurt my ex wife deeply and I bitterly regret that.

Me too, but I did tell her before we got married that "I've always wished I had been born female." She says that was misleading though, that she didn't think I STILL wanted it. I suspect the truth is that we BOTH were in denial: her about what I meant, and me about where it would lead.

But geez, we were young and madly in love... the future looked SO wonderful and magical at the time. I honestly never thought I would consider DOING anything about the TSism, I just wanted her to know everything about me, that it was a sadness I'd have to bear.

If I knew then what I know now, I may have made different choices. But, I didn't know. I made the best choices I could with the information at hand. I was in love. We worked *great* together. And of COURSE the TSism would fade over time, just as most naive childhood wishes do. Besides, it's an impossible wish anyway, right? So I might as well make the best of what I've got.

Such was my thinking.

We were married 9 years as of yesterday.  However, we are getting divorced and it was the first time neither of us had mentioned anything about our anniversary.  We have both been pursuing our own paths at this time and I do honestly wish her to be happy.  It does hurt sometimes though.

Melissa

I didn't tell my spouse because I was taking this to the grave with me.  I never thought I would transition.  I had it all neatly contained and only crossdressed maybe a dozen times in my adult life.  The teenage years were different but they didn't count.  I continually told myself that feeling the way I did wasn't hurting anyone except for maybe myself.  As soon as I knew I was going over the edge, I told her.  She doesn't think telling her sooner would have made any difference, she wouldn't have foreseen transition.  She did not accuse me of taking eighteen years of her life but she did say I had stolen her dreams from her.  But she stayed and our relationship has evolved into something different, something we can both live with.  I fully agree the fair and loving thing is to tell the truth but I think many of us gamble and assume we can tame the GID and that transition couldn't happen.  Maybe some of us do (tame the beast).

Dawn

Quote from: DawnL on August 31, 2006, 02:56:30 PM
I fully agree the fair and loving thing is to tell the truth but I think many of us gamble and assume we can tame the GID and that transition couldn't happen.  Maybe some of us do.

That's where I am right now.  I keep praying that I can "tame this thing" and that transition won't have to happen. Lately, though, I keep wondering if I'm fighting a losing battle.  But I keep persevering, because I know that my spouse will feel like she's thrown away the time. 

I plan on telling her as soon as I'm absolutely sure that I want to move out and live as Carol (outside of work).  But until I'm absolutely sure, I want to keep it quiet.  It wouldn't be fair to "jump the gun" for either of us until I know for certain that (boyname) is dying....

Carol

A few weeks before my relationship fell apart, I had discussed coming out with my counselor.  I had mentally gone through every possible scenerio that could happen and knew that it was highly probably that this would end our relationship.  My counselor asked if I was ready for the consequences. I answered no, but added that it couldn't wait any longer. 

My plan was to wait until mid-August before we sat down with my counselor and I told her.  I was hoping to have one last 'normal' summer with the kids.

June 28th proved that such was not to be...

Chaunte

I remember telling my ex fience.....  2 months into our relationship, turns out she had been planning to dump me at the time... Somehow by being who I am and being compleetly honest with her caused our relationship to grow.  She actualy helped me come out of my shell, taught me so much, helpped me seek and obtain the help I needed.... Gave me the strenght to come out to my family.  *sighs*

I try to remember this when the pain of looseing her becomes overbearing,  I try to remember all the good times, the fun, and all the good she did me...... though at times I kinda wish she had dumped me then cuz I wouldnt feel the way I do now........ (I know I said I was getting over her but Ive sence relapsed... *shrugs*)

Part of what makes finding a new relationship so hard... Id have to be able to trust the person... and Im not able to trust anyone right now so far as that goes... and Id have to be compleetly honest with them... but I cant do that with out trust....   I  feel stuck in a rutt....

Sorry for the rant...