I am a very positive person and a very privileged one. That has not always been the case but such is life.

I was about 7yrs old and on a school excursion from Liverpool to London and with my class mates, teachers and I got separated on the tube. I sat and wondered what to do.
I recall trying not to cry. I was a boy, boys don't cry. I'd been told that, and I so wanted to be a boy because I was really a girl and my parents told me I wasn't. I was being brave and knew it.

A smelly drunken man leaned over me and whispered at me. 'You're not like the rest. You won't give in easy.' And tried to drag me away from the seat. A teacher saw me and got me. I didn't realise what was going to happen to me until another time when it did; but that is another tale and not for telling.

I came away from this with a gift; a strange attitude. 'I'm not like the rest, I don't give in easy'. I'd been told so and I believed it.

That phrase became a mantra and at times it is what separated me from losing the plot to keeping on going.

So too today.

I went to a meeting for people who have recently (less than 12 months) had a laryngectomy. It was by a commercial company advertising a breathing, voice and air-filter product. It obviously was designed to try and sell their product but the reps were kindly and well trained.

There were 4 men and I.
Speech was obviously a problem, there were also the additional problems that their accidents or cancers had caused.

Oh and please do wear a seat belt. You can need a laryngectomy following a car accident and it isn't a pretty sight.

One thing that was apparent.
I haven't given up on anything. They had. Life is a challenge for me but I accept it and fight like hell to deal with it. They are not yet willing to do that.

Being transgender is not easy. It is one hell of a fight for every inch. Giving up and hiding is easy.  There is no easy path. There is no 'I don't have to work for it'.

These people were facing the same wall but for another reason.
One of the men; they were all lovely and charming. Whispered that he could not go out shopping for more than his store (self service type of supermarket) items as he was afraid of being seen as a freak. He would be laughed at and didn't know how his whispery voice would pass.

Oh dear that got someone talking . 'You are not  freak. You are special. You have nothing to fear.'
'You want to buy a pair of trousers? You attract the assistants' attention- wave, whatever - sign 'no speech' point to the trousers or clothes and show your credit card. They will know you want to but them. They will not be rude to you.
But, when they start the payment do one thing, write down' 'How much discount will you give me?' Because you are special.'

This was greeted with amazement and we got into other matters of daily life like dealing with people abusing you in the street because we are odd.

What hit me and should be hitting you, is that these are your every day fears as a TG person. Being seen as a freak. Not 'passing' these men were worried as not passing as humans! They were worried their voice wouldn't pass. That did hit me; if I hadn't had a laryngectomy my voice wouldn't pass either (I will shed tears. I'd still prefer having a voice).

Fear is fear. Giving in is giving in and yes I know many of us struggle like crazy with other issues but we can still hope. We can still try. We can lean on each other. We can help.

We can all live knowing that; 'You're not like the rest. You won't give in easy.'

And know that it is true.

Cindy

Thank you, Cindy. Working with people with brain injuries I had learned many of these lessons but never verbalized. I'm glad that you verbalized this for me. I think that the similar concerns between TG and other conditions without having the same deficits is what makes me good at my work.

:

April 22, 2015, the day of my first face to face pass in gender neutral clothes and no makeup. It may be months to the next one, but I'm good with that!

Being transgender is just a phase. It hardly ever starts before conception and always ends promptly at death.

They say the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. I say, climb aboard!

Think outside the voice box!

Wonderful thoughts Cindy!!!... So much fear in the world... Fear of this and fear of that...

We have fear to keep us safe but the price of that safety can be quite high indeed when we let it rule us as opposed to seeing it as the friendly advice from our higher self that it is supposed to be!!! ... It can become an insurmountable obstacle between ourself and happiness but only if we give it that power over us... Fear, like all things, should be kept in proper perspective....

Onward we go brave sisters!!!

Ashley

Cindy, thank you for sharing another touching story. Your ability you take positives from experiences that many would see as only negative is a powerful (jedi? [emoji4]) skill,  and a life lesson for all of us. X

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I dealt with my major fear 19 years ago when I first went out at night in drag with two of my GFs to a club in a relatively rough part of town. At 42 then, it was the first time in my adult life that I'd known generic fear. I'd been in plenty of dangerous situations, know how to deal with dangerous people etc but this was different. Knowing I could attract attention that I of course never would in drab, it was a realization that this was what it's like to be female in western society.

Having internalized that, I have since then realized the need to recognize that when I'm dressed femme I need to accommodate the fact of being a target. In my case it's about being non passing and I do have physical size, strength and situation-awareness that make me far less a target than your average female.

It's no big deal, fortunately where I live 99.9% of people are some combination of accepting or simply not caring. I couldn't give a fig for the very few that are actively phobic and simply watchful for those that might actually be dangerous.

I don't fear ignorance per se, it's mostly something to pity, not fear.