When I first signed up here, I wasn't sure what my gender was. I knew I wasn't cis, but I had no clue if I was agender, bigender, or gender-fluid, or any other gender that wasn't female. I have long struggled with a general "wrongness" feeling about my body, and definitely felt there were parts missing, such as male genitalia, but otherwise wasn't certain, out of what I have, what was wrong specifically. I would try to bind and dress a bit more masculine, and would feel better, but also frustrated with something that I couldn't place. That is, until I thought about everything, and decided that the dysphoria had gone on long enough. So I got my hair cut, to see if that would help with my dysphoria. Now, this may seem a bit silly not to have done in the first place, but I was worried how having a masculine haircut would affect my parents and others I know, and how they might react to it. After all, my mother and aunt are both pretty convinced I'm somehow female.
Nevertheless, the moment I got my hair cut, I felt...odd. Surprised, yes, but also much happier, almost
relieved! Suddenly, things I had not been able to understand began to make sense. For example, binding with short hair, and otherwise presenting as male felt awesome! Yet, the moment I would take off my binder to give my chest a much-needed break, I would ultimately realize what was indeed wrong about my body, almost via a sort of process of elimination. My breasts, are WRONG. My hips are WRONG.
I also have begun growing out my natural PCOS beard, and I am no longer confused by it. When I presented as female, the beard felt out of place, but not wrong. Now I realize it was not the beard that was out of place, but everything else. I also feel a ton more confident in who I am, and pleased with how I look in general!
Things are falling into place now! All the childhood "penis envy" as my mother called it, was indeed dysphoria like I suspected. Even my confusing sexuality may be clearer. When "female", I considered myself asexual, and tried to date men in terms of romance, even though I was often repulsed by males sexually. Interestingly, I now think my being 100% asexual isn't entirely true, but I'm giving that more time to sort through. I have a strong suspicion I'm at least semi-sexual, and straight, however. Hot girls have always given me butterflies.
So all that said, I feel things are clearer now. In fact, I may have finally settled on what I want my name to be. I'm keeping my last name as-is, but I'd like my first name to be Max, and middle name to be Asher. (I'm largely Ashkenazi Jewish, hence a Hebrew middle name.) Once I am able to afford another car (my car broke down last June), or can get a ride, one of my FTM friends recommended a place in the city nearest me, called the Howard Brown Health Center, to sort of the rest of my dysphoria, and hopefully start HRT.
Also, I hope I typed clearly. I had some trouble sleeping tonight, so I'm a bit on the overtired side. My sleep schedule has been a mess due to a lot of events going on, so this insomnia doesn't surprise me.
Wish me luck! It's good to be back!
