I feel ashamed over my female body. Yesterday I realized I have always felt shame over my chest. I've tried everything to hide it.

Today dysphoria is bad. I wish so much I had done this 25 years ago. But I try to think every choise and things that happen have a meaning and happen when time is right.

I can't turn back time. I need to live now. Not bury myself in self pity and what could have been.

My psychologist asked me what parts of the body I hate. I told her my chest. She asked what about my belly, I said I'm fine with that. I'd like a slim belly, but I need to do the work. She said that was a typical male answer. Women often complaint about every part of their body, she said.

My psychiatrist sent my letter to the gender therapist. All I need to do now is wait.


Tony

Hi MeTonie

GD sucks bigtime...I can agree wholeheartedly with you. I have found myself feeling like you will never get any traction and start moving in the direction you want...all the time this can lead to questioning yourself and second guessing. Are there things you can do that make you feel masculine that are just for you? Is there a close friend you can talk to who can help you feel better? I hope you can get some relief soon

I might be able to talk to my sister. My biggest problem is that I'm an expert on playing theatre. Everyone think I feel good and have a big self esteem. So little they know how I actually feel.

I would like to scream to the world. This is me! Like it or not! But the consequenses would be too big to do that just yet.

My oldest boy is depressed and suicidal. I don't want to mess up his head more than it already is.

But I have started my journey, I have outed myself to people who can help me. That's a start anyway.

Quote from: MeTonie on October 01, 2017, 05:16:38 AM
I might be able to talk to my sister. My biggest problem is that I'm an expert on playing theatre. Everyone think I feel good and have a big self esteem. So little they know how I actually feel.

^^^ This goes for me as well. It's frustrating knowing that you have so much there just constantly boiling beneath the surface, and yet all you feel you can do is smile. (Or in my case, make dumb jokes and pop culture references.) I wish I had some amazing advice or answer, but I'm right there with you still trying to figure it out myself. I know you know this, but just always do your best remember that you aren't alone in those feelings for what its worth. So many people, including many on this forum, have had them and survived them only to come out happy in the end that I have faith the rest of us can too.

Quote
My psychologist asked me what parts of the body I hate. I told her my chest. She asked what about my belly, I said I'm fine with that. I'd like a slim belly, but I need to do the work. She said that was a typical male answer. Women often complaint about every part of their body, she said.

I also just have to say I found this very interesting, as I've always tended to complain about every part of my body and was often confused why so many guys just seem perfectly cool with theirs. Severely overweight, balding, didn't matter what, they would still be perfectly content with the way they looked (or at least it wouldn't slow them down from hitting on every girl in sight). Meanwhile I'm having arguments about who has the worse nose with my sister. :|

My psychologist is about to retire. She has worked with people her entire life. I think she has a point. Many woman friends complaint about their feet, nose, butt, ears, chin etc. I think they look fine but not in their eyes.

Feeling a bit better today. I'm attending a conferens at work. I wear my binder today. People who know me since ages have not said anything about my chest being magically gone.

It's a sleep over at a hotel. Maybe someone will ask tonight. Maybe not. But today I can take it. I feel stronger today.

Quote from: MeTonie on October 01, 2017, 03:31:56 AM
I feel ashamed over my female body. Yesterday I realized I have always felt shame over my chest. I've tried everything to hide it.

Today dysphoria is bad. I wish so much I had done this 25 years ago. But I try to think every choise and things that happen have a meaning and happen when time is right.

I can't turn back time. I need to live now. Not bury myself in self pity and what could have been.

My psychologist asked me what parts of the body I hate. I told her my chest. She asked what about my belly, I said I'm fine with that. I'd like a slim belly, but I need to do the work. She said that was a typical male answer. Women often complaint about every part of their body, she said.

My psychiatrist sent my letter to the gender therapist. All I need to do now is wait.


Tony

That's an interesting point your psychiatrist brings up....  I've never understood why girls spend so much time hating this and this and this and this about their bodies, and half of the ones I talk to would give anything to change themselves to be more satisfying. Me... besides the chest and my screwed up insides  that don't seem to realize they're supposed to be female organs, the only thing I hate is my nose.  But I wouldn't change it either, because its me, you know?  I feel like a different nose would look weird.

Beyond that, gah... dysphoria... Its a beast. Crippling some days, destructive, etc.  I can't tell you how much sometimes I could just take a cleaver and chop off these 'pillows'.  Wish I had realized sooner. All the feelings you describe.  I realize now even in high school when I had barely had any chest at all, I wished I could chop them off.  This journey is such a painful one.

Quote from: MeTonie on October 02, 2017, 10:54:14 AM
Feeling a bit better today. I'm attending a conferens at work. I wear my binder today. People who know me since ages have not said anything about my chest being magically gone.

It's a sleep over at a hotel. Maybe someone will ask tonight. Maybe not. But today I can take it. I feel stronger today.

Today's a good day then. I'm glad to hear it.  Hopefully tomorrow will be too. Hang in there Tony. You can do it. I feel like some days that's all we can do, take it one day at a time and hope tomorrow will be a good day.

Disphoria is such a b.  I am amazed that sometimes it's not there, sometimes it's a whisper, and often times it's a monster threatening bodily and mental harm.  Many of my business trips were the worst for me.  Still though nobody mentioned that I might have eyeliner on when we went out for the night or that I had plucked my beard.  That told me that although my coworkers may know I was going through issues/changes, they were okay with it.  I'm not saying they have noticed on your end, but if they did they are cool with it:)

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 02, 2017, 01:45:43 PM
I'm not saying they have noticed on your end, but if they did they are cool with it:)

Bari Jo

I'd like to think that too. That people accept me for who I am. So far so good.

If someone asks, I will tell them.