So for the past 2 hours I've been working on a coming out letter to my father. I don't know if I even want to go the letter route or just have a dialogue, but I figured that if nothing else the letter writing process will help me put a few thoughts in order. Unfortunately, I am at just under 1500 words and still have a ton more I want to say. So, I thought I'd cut myself off and get some opinions from those with experience on how to approach this. It ends somewhat abruptly since I cut myself off when I wanted to write more.

Big questions... does it sound okay in general? Is conciseness typically better than elaboration, and then save elaboration for the actual conversation? I explicitly avoided saying trans woman or lines like "I'm your daughter not son!", is this a cop out? God, I know I'm approaching this like a school essay, but that's just how I am about everything.

Quote

Dear Dad,
I do not know if I will ever give you this letter. I hope I find the courage, and I hope that you will appreciate the faith that I am placing in you, faith that you are a good man who genuinely loves his children no matter what.

This may very well be the hardest thing I will ever do of my own volition. My mother's death was harder, but that was a runaway train with its own momentum and I was just a passive observer. This is something that I have to actively do, in which I am the driving force. But it is something that I have to do. Additionally, I can imagine that this will be one of the hardest things that you will ever have to read, and for that I apologize. I do not want to cause anyone pain or embarrassment.

But I am delaying, so I will say it simply, and then I will elaborate from there...

I am transgender.

   I do not know what your professional experience has been like with this topic, but it is important to me that you know that this comes from a place of wellness, not sickness. I have reached this conclusion only because of the strides in my health, mentally and physically, that I have made in the past few years. I do not want your view of either me or this issue to be colored by any experience you may have with dealing with those who are driven to extremes. I thank God every day that I am fortunate to not be among those whose desperation drives them to wind up in places like the crisis unit. The level of pain that many people go through with this issue, the pain that drives people to suicide or mutilation in an attempt at self correction, is not something that I have been burdened with. Nonetheless, it is no less real for me for the lack of extremity.
It is also important to me that you understand that this is not something that just happened, this is nothing new. This is something I have been dealing with for my entire conscious life. I assume you remember the several notable incidents when I was young involving this issue, and which I am still too embarrassed about to write here. You said at the time it was normal curiosity, but it wasn't. What you saw was only the surface. You may or may not remember the time when I was 10 or 11, when one night before bed I asked you about "sex changes" and what they entailed. Even at that age I knew this was not "normal" and I tried in my childlike way to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, just yet another instance of curiosity. But again, it wasn't, it was a question I had to ask and had to find the answer to because I knew even then what I truly wanted. Every night I would lay awake for hours in fantasy worlds in which I would picture myself as a girl. This was the true nature of my "insomnia". During the day I repressed it as much as possible, but I nonetheless always felt out of place in the world, and with my friends. (With the exception of [friend's name], who was definitively atypical himself, and the reason that friendship lasted when others did not.) As I got older I became better and better at repressing it consciously during the day, but it was always still there at night. I do not believe that it is coincidence that as I progressed through puberty that my anxiety increased so dramatically. My body was getting further and further away from what I felt it should be, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't like people looking at me, because I didn't like looking at myself.

I strongly believe that this issue has been the single biggest deciding factor in how my life has played out—or rather how it did not play out. I believe it is the key difference between myself and everyone else in the family's levels of anxiety and social phobias. I believe that ultimately, my "baseline" anxiety is no worse than [my brother]'s or anyone else's, but that because this issue and everything that goes with it was hanging over my head my anxiety was amplified exponentially. I believe this issue is also why I avoided even attempting to form romantic attachments, as I knew something was inherently wrong with my perception of the role I would play. I could go on and on here, as gender dysphoria pretty much explains my entire life in a way that is glaringly obvious from this point of clarity I have now.

But that is all the past, what I have to focus on now is the present and the future. Several months ago as I was losing weight, I looked in the mirror and realized I even as I got closer to what I thought was the ideal I wanted as a man, it still wasn't right. I began to remember more and more about what I had suppressed and willfully ignored over the years and it all began to add up in a way that was terrifying. After about a month of this, I knew I had to take action. I devoured countless online articles and transgender related forums. I armed myself with whatever information I could get. I was still unsure if I was making something out of nothing, but overtime, particularly when comparing my history with that of others who are definitively transgender I realized that it wasn't nothing. This was real, and this was me. This was a pivotal moment. I went from reading online forums, to joining one. I also took the most important step I have taken prior to this, and sought out a gender therapist. After some of the most intense fear I have ever felt, I managed to reach out to some. I finally found one that would take me on as a patient, a wonderful social worker out of the Atlanta area. I have been seeing her since the end of August—and because of the nature of Medicaid, I have been paying entirely out of pocket. I say this just to illustrate how serious I am about this, and going about this the right way with professional help. I write this letter at the beginning of October, though I do not know when I will give it you.
In even just the course of a little over a month, my doubts and fears have mostly gone away. I am as sure about this as I have ever been sure of anything in my life. I will continue to attend therapy and continue to make sure I am going about this the right way.

As for the future, I do not know what it holds exactly. There are many bridges I will have to cross when I come to them. I will continue to attempt to better myself physically, mentally, and emotionally just as I have done over the past few years, none of this changes that—if anything it only reinforces it. The only thing related to this issue I am sure of is that I want to begin hormone therapy. I will not write about that here however, and will instead discuss it with you directly.

I want you to know I am not a different person than I was yesterday, a year ago, or 20 years ago. No matter how far I go, this will not change. This has always been a part of me, and so it does not change who I am in my mind and in my heart in the slightest. I am simply recognizing it openly for the first time.

I do not expect any of this to be easy, quite the contrary. I am officially a member of one of the smallest and most maligned groups in modern society. I know I need support from people around me, not just a therapist and an online community, if I am going to succeed. As such I can only pray that everyone will accept this and that I do not lose anyone close to me. I have so much that I am fearful of right now I can't even begin to approach this by myself.

Though I should add, I also feel hope. I feel an excitement for life, for the potential of the future, that I have never felt before. An excitement that I might finally be able to live as I believe I was meant to, with my mind and body in harmony.

I can't really give you advice on coming out because I didn't.  But this is a great letter. It's very well written and very clear. If you decide to use a letter to come out this letter will be great. Good luck sweetie.
Big hugs.

Well it had me in tears! If and when you're ready for your father to read this I hope it goes well. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

As I do not know your father, or the kind of relationship you have with him, I'm afraid that I can't answer most of your questions, but I can tell you, I have sitting in my email box a coming out letter as well. This is what it says, and maybe parts of it might be useful even though I'm NB/FTM. For me, I find that most of the people in my life need to see the facts of the matter, be presented with verifiable proof etc.

QuoteMany of you are aware that I have a condition called PCOS.  For those of you who weren't aware, now you are.  You can look up the details, but bear with me while I give you some information you probably didn't care to know about me.  I AM A CLASSIC CASE as my reproductive endocrinologist said.  With the abundance of follicles lining my ovaries, I have an excess amount of testosterone.  THIS INHIBITS the female hormones that are required for a proper ovulation/menstruation cycle. It also cause hirsutism (hair in traditionally masculine places), acne like a teenage boy, male-patterned balding, and obviously amennorhea among other things,(Lack of periods/lessened periods).  Obviously a cause of infertility.  Knowledge about PCOS is relatively new, BUT it is believed to lead to increased health issues especially type 2 diabetes.  Symptoms don't manifest themselves until puberty, often later, when it comes time to actually use your reproductive organs.  And it is believed to be genetic.

Often with PCOS comes a sense of dysphoria.  THIS IS WHAT I SUFFER FROM!  However, my dysphoria has always been present, but I just hid behind it.  Put a smile on my face, had a false sense of confidence some days, other days, I just didn't care, the world could say I'm way too boyish, and I'd be like, 'Screw you.'.  But always within me, there was this sense of... something wasn't right. I never felt like I had a feminine body.  My current hair cut is the shortest I've had it in over 20 years because I didn't want to look like a boy since I was born female, and I was raised to believe that that's how I'm supposed to be.

Obviously religion factors/factored into this belief. But now, I don't believe that.  I believe in a God who wants me to be happy and content with who I am.  I am not happy with who I am right now.  I cannot believe he genuinely meant for me to be stuck in this middle ground, feeling so insecure about myself.  Confused about my gender identity.  Am I really a girl?  Was I supposed to be a boy? Neither?  Both? This is my hell every day. 

[Husband] and I have spent weeks talking about what to do about this, and the first step is going to see a gender therapist, to help me learn to deal with this dysphoria.  The thing is, I stopped feeling feminine a LONG time ago... besides the physical toll pregnancy took on my body, especially with [my daughter], being pregnant felt... awkward to say the least.  Almost like how is this even possible? My body isn't supposed to carry a child.  There was always some sort of disconnect. To this day, its hard to believe they really came out of my body.

Now... The common 'treatment' for PCOS is to keep me on female hormones the rest of my life, and if more kids are to appear in the future, do fertility treatments again.  But that feels wrong.  If I go the route of hormone replacement therapy, I'd rather do the testosterone.  But for now, seeing a therapist is my next course of action.

So yes.  I am the T in LGBT+.  That flag filter you see over my profile picture?  That is the non-binary flag.  I am a non-binary transperson.  If you're not okay with that, fine. If you will accept me despite it all, wonderful.  But whatever you do, do not just say, 'You're a girl.  Deal with it.'  That's a surefire way to cue up my dysphoria more, and I'm pretty sure [husband] doesn't want to come home from work to find his wife bawling on the bathroom floor hating themself again.

After a quick once-over I say it's actually very good.  I'm a huge fan of letters, and that's how I did it.  Even if you just use it an exercise to organize thoughts and decide on what issues you need to hit on, I think you're doing quite well.

My first drafts for my dad's letter were 3-4 times longer than this and I realized that I shouldn't overload him with EVERYTHING I wanted to get out in the initial letter.  In the end I had pared it down to about 1000 words.  I hit the high points without getting mired in the minutia.  This letter here is definitely not overly long, and the way you give examples to jog his memory I see as being very effective.  Vastly superior to my 5000 word stream of consciousness trainwrecks that I initially tapped out.

It's a good heartfelt letter. I wrote out something like this to help me organize my thoughts if I ever have the chance to talk with any of those I have come out to. I wrote mine kind of like a conversation script. Nobody wants to talk about it, so at least I have my thoughts organized in my own head. I'm glad you're finding happiness.

Thank you all for the positive comments, that makes me feel a lot better about what I've written.

Rowenna, I'm so glad you posted your letter! Your mentioning God made me realize that is something I definitely need to address. I believe, but am quite a bit flexible when it comes to the nature of my belief as I identify as simply a Deist, and sometimes forget that my father is more traditional despite his lack of church attendance. I think taking time to address the issue in context may help him with acceptance. (Mirroring what you said, that God could not have intended this middle ground. Instead, perhaps it being something that I was meant to overcome and work through.)

Colleen, trust me I could have gone on for another 10,000 words. I had to stop myself before I spent all day just typing, as I had that same realization that information overload probably isn't the way to go. (Particularly since I do actually have some school work to be typing as well. )

Since my father is a psychiatrist I definitely am taking a "here are the symptoms, the diagnosis can't be denied" approach. Unfortunately, despite being a reportedly great psychiatrist, when it comes to family he is a master of ignoring what he doesn't want to see(hey, just like I was!), so I sort of felt that I had to pose it in a way that left no room for doubt.

I don't know when I will work up the nerve to actually give this to him or talk to him, but I know that I hate this feeling that I'm living a secret life, that I have to hide everything. (Not to mention panic involved as packages of women's clothing and makeup trickle in, wondering if this will be the one someone else accidentally opens.) I'm just not cut out for subterfuge (well, with anyone but myself anyway I suppose.)

Also, rereading it again with an hour or two removed I realized I need to rewrite some of it simply because some of what I wrote may be construed as being negative/insulting towards those of us who do wind up in hospitals and psych wards over trans related issues. It definitely wasn't my intention, but now I feel really bad reading what I wrote because it seems like I was saying "I'm not one of those crazy people!" or something like that, out of my fear of what his expectations may be.

(Edit: Addressed what I just mentioned in the original post with an edit there too.)

I sent you a PM with mine. It's not terribly long and I tried to keep it light.


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Great letter Roll.  I want to hear how things go with your dad.  I might be going this way with mine too!

bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 09, 2017, 08:27:02 PM
Great letter Roll.  I want to hear how things go with your dad.  I might be going this way with mine too!

bari Jo

Oh, you can bet I'll probably be on these forums the second I can after bringing myself to give him this letter or just talk to him. I am so ready to be done with secrecy, but I keep hesitating with finding the right timing between the holidays and other logistics. (Which surprisingly I don't think is me simply delaying, just being forced to deal with stupid reality. )