After finally saying hello to the forum yesterday, I want to say a bit more about myself and where I am coming from. For many years I had been suffering from depression, like living in coma. Stuck in the never-ending cycle of self-doubt, not knowing who I was or what my purpose in this world was. I had a drinking problem that escalated badly and resulted in a breakdown that lead to 8 years of hell. At one point my Dr. turned around to me and said 'If you don't stop drinking, you are going to die' That scared me enough to instantly stop, and haven't touched a drop of alcohol in 7 years.
I was still lost, living in a dark world of fear and confusion. I struggled with identity, my purpose in life, my place in society, struggling to manage on a day to day basis.
Since very early in life I had been exploring crossdressing, starting by sneaking into my sisters and mothers room and trying on clothes and shoes. In my later teens I would need little to no encouragement to go out in female clothing. I'm not sure I even thought seriously about it back then, it was just something crazy boy did!
As I got older I experimented with various drugs (Ecstasy, LSD, Amphetamines) and would often find myself dressing in feminine clothing whilst high.
I eventually settled down with my partner, whom I shall refer to as 'S'. S and I have had a great life together and have 3 wonderful children. Before the birth of our first child, I would often dress in female attire for romantic involvements. I would sometimes suggest that having real breasts would be more pleasurable. In truth I was jealous, I wanted them so I could feel more feminine.
With our first child, came responsibilities, and I repressed my desire for femininity. I would in secret read TG fiction, wishing to be feminised, as if by magic wake up a woman.
Fast forward nearly 18 years and we find ourselves here today. Just over 4 weeks ago I told my counsellor that I was Transgender and wanted to transition to being fully female, it was an emotional session, and everything came out. All my repressed feelings exploded out of me, like releasing a cork from a bottle of champagne. Of course, I cried, tears of relief and joy as I finally said out loud what I had been keeping locked away inside me for so many years. It was at that moment, the dark clouds parted and for the first time in nearly 8 years I no longer felt the weight of depression and fear. I walked outside, and saw the world with new eyes, it was like I could see, hear and smell for the first time. Everything seemed new and clear, I had awoken from a coma and needed to explore my new world.
Since then I have told 'S' about being Trans, and have asked for a referral to 'The Laurels' in Exeter, which the Dr. has done. I have given up smoking (30-year habit), started to make small changes to my appearance, starting to feel in contact with my true self and I feel wonderful. Not every day has been great, feeling of dysphoria overcome me sometimes. I feel lost at times, a little overwhelmed at points. Part of me wants everything to change yesterday, but I know that patience is a virtue and all good things come to those that wait. So I step carefully with pointed toe and high heels onto a new path, looking for friends to hold my hand in support, a friendly ear to bend, and hopefully lasting friendship to cherish in this exciting journey.
If you've taken the time to read this wall of text, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If there is anything you wish to ask, please feel free.
Noomi <3
