I got back from an exclusive dinner at a club here in LA.  We were dressed to the 9s, me in a custom made smoking jacket and lots of pastels.  I've got my hair cropped like my avatar, okay a bit shorter, wearing perfume to ease disphoria fit the evening and we take group photos.  I see them after and I'm just an old man.  I'm standing in a group of people, our group of ten, and don't look at all like I feel inside or see myself.  Right next to me is my sister in her feminine glory.  I know she doesn't know the pain I feel when I see picts like this, but I do.  Damn things like this are hard for me.  I want to skip ahead to fully transitioned to hopefully feel better, but feel I'm deluding myself.  Yes uncertainty is still hitting.  I know it's too early, I'll hold on.

Heres a crop in question.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/5ihuc5fwcx33x3v/IMAG2657.jpg?dl=0

Bari Jo

Bari Jo,

  You are not being fair to yourself. Do you honestly expect to see the lady you are in a man's suit standing beside your sister?  That my dear is an unrealistic expectation. Now have you been "dress to the Nines" as the lady you are and still felt terrible you might have cause  and again you may have a problem with perception. But it is always easier seeing yourself as who you want to be when you try to present as that woman.
  You cannot compare apples to oranges girl and you know it. Go change and get beautiful then look in the mirror and tell me who you see.  It will get better.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on October 03, 2017, 08:34:38 PM
Bari Jo,

  You are not being fair to yourself. Do you honestly expect to see the lady you are in a man's suit standing beside your sister?  That my dear is an unrealistic expectation. Now have you been "dress to the Nines" as the lady you are and still felt terrible you might have cause  and again you may have a problem with perception. But it is always easier seeing yourself as who you want to be when you try to present as that woman.
  You cannot compare apples to oranges girl and you know it. Go change and get beautiful then look in the mirror and tell me who you see.  It will get better.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thanks Laurie, I needed to hear that.

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 03, 2017, 08:43:22 PM
Thanks Laurie, I needed to hear that.

You are welcome Hun,

  You're not the only one that has had trouble seeing who you are. Even when you present as you feel you may still see that man in the mirror staring back at you and it will be hard. It happened to me. It's in my thread. And it nearly brought me to tears. I went from feeling good to zero in an instant. I got support from others here and talked about it with my therapist. He went away. Now I see who I am, how I am which isn't how I want to be, but I can always close my eyes now and see her there looking back at me. I know she's there and that helps me be myself.

You will get to a place like that yourself Bari Jo but it does take some time.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I always find photos disorienting, if only because they are.  Remember that photos are geometrically the exact opposite of what you see in the mirror.  Your struggle isn't with the person in the photo...it's with the girl in the mirror.  Learn to love her and remember that the only people who always look good in pictures are models.

Quote from: rmaddy on October 03, 2017, 09:31:32 PM
I always find photos disorienting, if only because they are.  Remember that photos are geometrically the exact opposite of what you see in the mirror.  Your struggle isn't with the person in the photo...it's with the girl in the mirror.  Learn to love her and remember that the only people who always look good in pictures are models.

Oh ? So you are a model , Maddy?

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on October 03, 2017, 10:01:55 PM
Oh ? So you are a model , Maddy?

Hugs,
  Laurie

I shoulda said, "models and other people".  Then I would have had it covered.

Quote from: rmaddy on October 03, 2017, 11:21:49 PM
I shoulda said, "models and other people".  Then I would have had it covered.

I was just saying that you look very nice Maddy

Quote from: Laurie on October 04, 2017, 12:25:21 AM
I was just saying that you look very nice Maddy

Thank you, Sweetie!

As a trans woman, comparing oneself to cis women is a sure path to madness.  While it's true that we want to look, behave, and be treated as women, the reality is we will never be the same.  You have to find a way to accept that and still love yourself, otherwise all this transition stuff is for nothing.

FFS and other surgeries won't fix this underlying problem.  It needs to come from within.  Talk to your therapist about this, maybe they can help you.

Thanks, I will.  I know I need to talk these things out and somehow find acceptance.  I'm doing what I can to achieve my feminine avatar, electrolysis, hairline repair, diet, makeup,  I'm worried that after all that and presenting, it will still be a man that the camera and everybody else sees.  I know, it's too soon, still sad, what I'd love to see is a glimmer of Bari Jo peaking through these picts.  A little at a time will go a long way in my head.

Bari Jo my friend. I wish you could see yourself thru my eyes. If you could, you would be ecstatic. You are going to be a cutie. You are going to make others jealous. Sending all the love one friend can send. Hang in the babe. It will come. Then the newbies will be asking YOU. You will be the guru. Time will make your dreams come true.


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Quote from: Norma Lynne on October 04, 2017, 12:32:56 PM
Bari Jo my friend. I wish you could see yourself thru my eyes. If you could, you would be ecstatic. You are going to be a cutie. You are going to make others jealous. Sending all the love one friend can send. Hang in the babe. It will come. Then the newbies will be asking YOU. You will be the guru. Time will make your dreams come true.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you Norma. You are too kind.  For some reason my confidence has dwindled to near zero. You know I'm not usually a bundle of nerves.  Maybe it's the hormones, finally kicking in, but every thought of it not working right now makes me tear up.  I miss our dinners.  See you when you get back in town.

Bari Jo