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I'm sick of this ->-bleeped-<-

Started by Saira128, June 12, 2017, 05:09:30 AM

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Sarah.VanDistel

Hey Saira... Check out these links:

http://transguys.com/ref/india

http://orinam.net/resources-for/lgbt/groups-and-lists/

They have a big list of resources for LGBT for many regions of India. One of them might be able to point you to a competent gender therapist. Hope this helps. Hugs, Sarah[emoji254]

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FTMDiaries

Rorschach tests have been discredited for various reasons. For starters, the results vary between people of different cultures; we're likely to perceive the blots as being something familiar to our cultures, and those things could vary wildly. I seem to recall you're Indian: studies have shown that Indians tend to respond very differently to the Rorschach test than their Western counterparts, purely due to cultural reasons. The test was based on Swiss mental health patients in the early 20th Century, who had an entirely different frame of reference than the average 21st-Century Indian! If you've just done a generic Internet-based test, or if your therapist has been referring to Western interpretations of the test, then your results could be wildly inaccurate. And they're very much open to interpretation by the therapist, so the results actually say a lot more about the therapist than they do about you!

So as for the 'diagnoses': paranoia? You have a lot of things going on in your life which are likely to make you feel highly anxious, to the point where you're actually self-harming. So it's possible that a therapist could interpret your reactions to some of the drawings in this light. But this test on its own is not specific enough to make a clinical diagnosis of paranoia.

Sexual perversions? Who knows what the therapist was thinking there. It's entirely possible that the therapist considers being trans to be a sexual perversion (it used to be classified as such!) so they may be prejudiced against you. They could simply believe that your dressing in women's clothing is a sexual perversion, so that's how they interpreted the test! Please don't take it seriously. Lots of people have kinks (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with kinks!) but they only become paraphilic disorders when they're so recurrent and invasive that they stop you from functioning normally. So it's very irresponsible of them to accuse you of so-called 'sexual perversion' merely on the basis of a couple of drawings, particularly as you're in a very vulnerable place at the moment.

So yes, I agree with what others are saying: please find a better therapist. And please take good care of yourself; you're valuable and loved. We are sometimes forced to go through these dark patches, but it's always darkest before the dawn. Things can and will improve.





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Saira128

Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on June 13, 2017, 09:08:10 AM
Dear Saira,

I know there's a strong familial stigma about being transgender in India. If I am not mistaken, the family fabric is very strong there and people rarely go against the wishes of their family. Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I feel since the very beginning is that your family is having an awful hard time accepting the fact that you're transgender. They're pushing you to this "therapist" who is clearly trying hard and pseudo-scientifically to prove (unsuccessfully) that your problem is something else - something less "shameful" in the eyes of Indian society, I would guess.

If you haven't already done so, have a serious conversation with your parents in order to find a therapist who actually has experience in helping people with gender issues (and who doesn't support "conversion therapy" or other medieval approaches). Not sure if you live in or close to a major city, but I'm almost certain that with due diligence you'd manage to find someone competent.

Above all, don't give up. I myself began transitioning at 44, after about 40 years of progressively more unbearable dysphoria. Sometimes it was really hard. I did have suicidal thoughts. Many times. Very soon. I was about 12 when I wrote in my personal diary that I probably wouldn't last until my twenties because I'd kill myself before that. [emoji22]  Guess what... I did survive. So no matter how dark and desperate things might look, there is ALWAYS a better option than suicide. ANY solution is better than that. Embarking tomorrow as a sailor on a ship to Patagonia is better than suicide. Deciding to leave everything and go playing banjo in the streets of Barcelona is better than suicide. Abandoning all to become a monk in some remote temple in Thailand is better than suicide. You get the point... Stupid thing about suicide is that's probably the thing you'd most regret doing, but you won't even be alive to regret it anymore.

Cheer up, girl! Don't damage your beautiful wrists and use a nice bracelet instead. It looks much more sexy than scars... And don't forget that we are here to support you. [emoji6]

Hugs, Sarah [emoji254]

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You write so eloquently.

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Love ,
          Saira :-*
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Saira128

Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on June 13, 2017, 09:25:19 AM
Hey Saira... Check out these links:

http://transguys.com/ref/india

http://orinam.net/resources-for/lgbt/groups-and-lists/

They have a big list of resources for LGBT for many regions of India. One of them might be able to point you to a competent gender therapist. Hope this helps. Hugs, Sarah[emoji254]

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk
Thank you so much. I'll definitely contact one of them.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Love ,
          Saira :-*
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JessicaSondelli

Dear Saira,

are you feeling better?

Hugs
Jessica




Feel free to PM me, I'm happy to help, don't be shy... :)
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Saira128

Quote from: JessicaSondelli on June 16, 2017, 01:33:08 PM
Dear Saira,

are you feeling better?

Hugs
Jessica
Thanks for caring, but I'm still feeling like ->-bleeped-<-, you can read my latest post to understand me better.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Love ,
          Saira :-*
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Abbie Normal

 Yes never give up we need people like you , don't hurt your self ,things all ways get better when you least expect it. Cherr  up kido you have your whole life ahead of ya. And sometimes it is fun to be different.
         Hugs and lots of love, Abbie
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Saira128

I am so sorry I was so rude to all of you, I was in a very bad mental state at the time.
     Since then, I have had a lot of time to think over. After 2 suicide attempts, now I have finally stopped being negative.
       I didn't even reply to all the suggestions you people gave me, I'm sorry for that too.

     Now, I have started feeling a lot better. The depression is ofcourse still there, but I have started controlling it better.

     You people are so patient and lovely, I am sorry, my behaviour was so bad. I feel so guilty now.
     


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Love ,
          Saira :-*
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Laurie

Quote from: Saira128 on October 05, 2017, 03:28:56 AM
I am so sorry I was so rude to all of you, I was in a very bad mental state at the time.
     Since then, I have had a lot of time to think over. After 2 suicide attempts, now I have finally stopped being negative.
       I didn't even reply to all the suggestions you people gave me, I'm sorry for that too.

     Now, I have started feeling a lot better. The depression is ofcourse still there, but I have started controlling it better.

     You people are so patient and lovely, I am sorry, my behaviour was so bad. I feel so guilty now.
   

Saira,

  I'm sorry to read that you became so depressed as to take the actions you have. I am still concerned when you said "I have started controlling it better"  I hope that translates to "I am getting help from a therapist for it" If not then you need to be.
  I have been trying to deal with my own depression and thought I had it "under control" but I am coming to realize that sneaky bastard still had me in it's grips. Oh it wasn't the "I want to die" depression but it did make me grump and angry and full of self loathing. All of these were "under control" right up until some current events dragged all of the pushed aside and buried depression back out. I have been having some better days but more of them are not. Those dark thoughts have come back and this time I haven't been able to box it up and get it under control. So this time I've had to ask a therapist for help.  If you haven't (and no I have not read the rest of your back posts to know) then please do go seek help for yourself.
  Feeling better  and having it under control is not a solution. My depression is new and at the same time over 20 years old. It won't go away without help.

Laurie
April 13, 2019 switched to estradiol valerate
December 20, 2018    Referral sent to OHSU Dr Dugi  for vaginoplasty consult
December 10, 2018    Second Letter VA Psychiatric Practical nurse
November 15, 2018    First letter from VA therapist
May 11, 2018 I am Laurie Jeanette Wickwire
May   3, 2018 Submitted name change forms
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone



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Saira128

Quote from: Laurie on October 05, 2017, 03:51:44 AM
Saira,

  I'm sorry to read that you became so depressed as to take the actions you have. I am still concerned when you said "I have started controlling it better"  I hope that translates to "I am getting help from a therapist for it" If not then you need to be.
  I have been trying to deal with my own depression and thought I had it "under control" but I am coming to realize that sneaky bastard still had me in it's grips. Oh it wasn't the "I want to die" depression but it did make me grump and angry and full of self loathing. All of these were "under control" right up until some current events dragged all of the pushed aside and buried depression back out. I have been having some better days but more of them are not. Those dark thoughts have come back and this time I haven't been able to box it up and get it under control. So this time I've had to ask a therapist for help.  If you haven't (and no I have not read the rest of your back posts to know) then please do go seek help for yourself.
  Feeling better  and having it under control is not a solution. My depression is new and at the same time over 20 years old. It won't go away without help.

Laurie
I am seeing a psychiatrist, not a therapist. He does nothing but prescribe anti- depressants.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Love ,
          Saira :-*
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JennyBear

Quote from: Saira128 on October 05, 2017, 03:28:56 AM
I am so sorry I was so rude to all of you, I was in a very bad mental state at the time.
     Since then, I have had a lot of time to think over. After 2 suicide attempts, now I have finally stopped being negative.
       I didn't even reply to all the suggestions you people gave me, I'm sorry for that too.

     Now, I have started feeling a lot better. The depression is ofcourse still there, but I have started controlling it better.

     You people are so patient and lovely, I am sorry, my behaviour was so bad. I feel so guilty now.
     

    It's good that you've pulled yourself out of that downward spiral. The depression can take a long time to fully go away, if it ever does. All you can do is keep it from ruling you. I've been there myself before. I've attempted suicide several times in the past, suffered chronic suicidal depression cycles, was abused by my one of my parents, and felt I have nothing to hope for. I'll admit that your conditions living in the country of India are still worse, but not hopeless. A large percentage of the members here have been through or are currently in the middle of similar bouts of depression. There's a reason why the transgender suicide rate is approximately 50%. But there's hope in that statistic. It proves, beyond any doubt, that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We are here to support you.

    Nothing wrong with an apology, but please try to not harbor feelings of guilt. Those can lead you back into a deepening depression, feeling like a burden on those who care. As a human being you are supposed to have strong emotions, some of them can affect our actions and cause lapses in judgement. Just look at any girl (Cisgender or transwoman) on their period and you will see times that emotions get the better of us. It just proves that YOU'RE HUMAN TOO! By all means show appreciation for the support you're given. Feel free to return it in kind when others need it. But don't beat yourself up just because you temporarily lost hope and lashed out a TINY bit. I have seen and done far worse when that depressed, and I'm sure there are plenty of other members here that can attest to the same thing. As long as you don't kill anyone, yes, that includes yourself, the rest is easily forgiven. Keep up the struggle. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it just takes awhile to find it. ;)

    Stay Safe (PLEASE) and Keep Persevering

HUGS!
"Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block."
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JennyBear

Quote from: Saira128 on October 05, 2017, 03:55:58 AM
I am seeing a psychiatrist, not a therapist. He does nothing but prescribe anti- depressants.

    That's terrible. There are solutions though if you're willing to give them a try. There are psychiatrists that will meet with you completely online and specialize in transgender care and can even write you a prescription after a few (online) meetings. You can also order your prescriptions online through safe, reputable suppliers with that prescription if you're ready to take that step. Just say the word and I'll start working on finding that info for you. There is nothing we can't accomplish if we all work together.

HUGS!
"Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block."
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