Largely what Moni said. My goal for 18 years was to progressively become more healthy, which for me meant learning to be more feminine emotionally, let go of the male privilege I carry and to relate to others more stereotypically the way women tend to. Of course the catch-22 is I don't want to be a stereotype, hence remembering that the real goal is just to be more healthy.
I think my mannerisms have become progressively more femme with time - or the the extent that that was always my inclination, to simply allow myself to be so.
Over my lunch today there were a pair of younger women chatting and I was aware that many of the ways they spoke to each other were characteristically female in ways that I'm not given to and also that I don't aspire to. For instance one mishandled her fork and a bit of food fell onto her cheek. She and her friend both exclaimed at her small faux pas, sharing the humor of minor embarrassment that was just between them, not in front of people who'd judge them.
Two men wouldn't have paid that any attention, or perhaps one would have called the other stupid or clumsy in jest. They wouldn't have giggled.
Now to be sure, I know I could emulate those women, and that if I were intent on passing as female that could be an important set of social skills to learn just as I emulated men socially for many years to not get picked on, to get along, to pass, the thing is I don't especially *want* either social role. Most of the passing MTF women I know have learned these signals. I take on the ones that matter to me - not talking over others, listening well, putting community and the welfare of others on a par with my own, nurturing friends and even sometimes those who are antagonistic to me. Again, my first goal is healthy, feminine is just the direction I tend to lean.
So I enjoyed hearing these women, taking note of how they interacted, a little bit of me wishing that that was me.
But then I also wish I were a size 4 and cute. That's not gonna happen in this lifetime, maybe in a reincarnation. I hope my future self can remember how much the me of today wanted what she has. I also hope she's a substantial woman. There's nothing wrong with blending in, and I don't even know how to say it right but I hope she's more concerned with the essence of things than the surface.
I make a pretty OK looking guy and I have had to let go of that as well as not having a "landing place" of being a classically pretty female. On the other hand at every turn where I've chosen the more substantive path, over its option the results have been a happier, richer life. Of course I also have to remember from Der Steppenwolf that the ephemeral beauty has it's own value.
And I remember that being passable, being pretty aren't panaceas to the problems of this life. Pretty women are most certainly discounted, most learn how to parlay those things to advantage, just as men parlay their strengths into tangible benefit.
