So as it turns out I am going to be having an orchiectomy this year. After this, I think that it is unlikely that I will ever have the full SRS.

That being said, I have been doing a lot of thinking and I've reached a new understanding about myself.

As nice as it would be to be a woman, completely, I can't help but feel that I will always have a body that is androgynous. And when I say androgynous, I mean it: when I look at myself I see a harmonious fusion and male and female anatomies. At first it was somewhat disappointing, but over time I have come to feel differently. I think I'll be ok being in-between. Granted, I'm not going to change pronouns or my name or anything like that. I am mostly feminine, so I will retain my feminine name and pronouns. People see me as a woman, and I have no problem with that. This has everything to do with how I feel about myself. Not to mention, I have been dressing androgynously to begin with, so really I'm not expecting any wardrobe changes any time soon lol

Are there any other MTF androgynes out there? What have your experiences been? I know this is a bit of a gray area, considering a lot of trans women may appear unintentionally androgynous because they don't "pass," but I am speaking to the women who have embraced their androgynous looks and live, more or less, as in-betweeners.

Something for you to consider. If you haven't used a face app on your avatar picture, you have a very feminine and attractive face though you may not see it. As for the body, for a long time I didn't have much of a feminine shape. Even under modern HRT, it could take 5 or more years for your body to develop a feminine shape. Yes, some of us bloom after about a year but taking longer is common. As boyish as my body was, I can now look at myself in the mirror and see a clearly feminine body. No, it will never define me as a sex object but neither will it out me.

You have only been on HRT for less than two years so it may still have some surprises waiting for you. Give yourself some more time before you judge yourself.

My profile picture is my actual face. It's my body that doesn't really look female... my chest is small and my hips are narrow and, of course, my genitalia is non-traditional. This is what I see when I am looking in the mirror. My partner doesn't see these things, though. But I don't know how I can look at myself the way others see me.

Quote from: Allie24 on October 07, 2017, 09:27:17 PM
My profile picture is my actual face. It's my body that doesn't really look female... my chest is small and my hips are narrow and, of course, my genitalia is non-traditional. This is what I see when I am looking in the mirror. My partner doesn't see these things, though. But I don't know how I can look at myself the way others see me.

Hi Allie 🙋 I think you have a very feminine face and that's more than half the battle.  If your on hrt I believe your female tendencies will emerge and gain a shape like a woman. Breasts, butt, thighs take time, but you are beautiful.
Hugs, Jessica 💁

I consider myself some sort of MTF androgyne. When I started my transition all I had in mind was becoming a regular woman. Time went by, and I started to pass most of the time and I adopted girly habits. At that time I felt like I had taken a big burden off, and realized there still were a few masculine things that I liked. I believe I needed to stop being male, or at least stop being the male stereotype I was expected to be, instead of being a woman.

I present as female and I love my female identity, but I don't mind being gendered male. I even enjoy when people are confused and ask me if I'm a boy or a girl. I have both, a female and an ambiguous look, depending on the day, so I can't complain about people misgendering me.

Feel free to contact me if you have questions or want to share experiences!

There are as many ways to be a girl or a guy as there are girls and guys. Perhaps transsexualism was just a step along the path to finding your true androgyne self?

Definitely. It relieved me of a lot of pressure and allowed me to think more clearly about who I was I how I wanted to be.

I was androgynous before HRT, and for about 7 years into HRT. For me, it was a horrendous experience. I was not happy with how I looked. Today, I can look at myself, naked, in the full length mirror, and see a woman with what looks like a little bitty penis. Nobody in public sees anything other than a woman, and I'm sure people don't see anything but that with you.

Quote from: Lady Sarah on October 08, 2017, 05:40:03 PM
I was androgynous before HRT, and for about 7 years into HRT. For me, it was a horrendous experience. I was not happy with how I looked. Today, I can look at myself, naked, in the full length mirror, and see a woman with what looks like a little bitty penis. Nobody in public sees anything other than a woman, and I'm sure people don't see anything but that with you.

Yeah I've been doing some thinking. This may honestly just be normal body dysmorphia. You know how people in general tend to see unattractive features that no one else sees :/ The parts of my body I seem to have the most problems with are my forehead and my nose. It's not even that I don't think they look female, I just think they're unflattering.

Androgyny is extremely interesting and sometimes I think that's where I am heading to. At first I wanted to be the perfect woman, but then I realized that that was basically taking off the pressure of being the man just to put a new one on me, of attaining this perfection that I had in my head.

Allie, if this is how you really feel, and not only triggered by being unhappy with your body, then it sounds awesome.

Quote from: Allie24 on October 08, 2017, 06:56:29 PM
Yeah I've been doing some thinking. This may honestly just be normal body dysmorphia. You know how people in general tend to see unattractive features that no one else sees :/ The parts of my body I seem to have the most problems with are my forehead and my nose. It's not even that I don't think they look female, I just think they're unflattering.

Yeah, my nose is ugly. It certainly didn't help that it got broken from a sucker punch in high school. But then, the only difference between my nose and my mother's nose is where it was broken.
I'm just happier with my nose the way the way it is, than I am with a penis. I'll yell ya what tho..  I am definitely happy I had the orchi. 

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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 08, 2017, 07:21:03 PM
Androgyny is extremely interesting and sometimes I think that's where I am heading to. At first I wanted to be the perfect woman, but then I realized that that was basically taking off the pressure of being the man just to put a new one on me, of attaining this perfection that I had in my head.

Allie, if this is how you really feel, and not only triggered by being unhappy with your body, then it sounds awesome.

Most of this has been about where my body is at. I have always presented myself as an androgynous woman, though. I've even had people think I was FTM lol

I don't know. I'll just see how my body develops.

Quote from: Lady Sarah on October 08, 2017, 07:39:01 PM
Yeah, my nose is ugly. It certainly didn't help that it got broken from a sucker punch in high school. But then, the only difference between my nose and my mother's nose is where it was broken.
I'm just happier with my nose the way the way it is, than I am with a penis. I'll yell ya what tho..  I am definitely happy I had the orchi. 

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I know I'll be too. After I have the procedure I don't even think I'll need the vaginoplasty. Having no testosterone in my body is satisfying enough.

@Allie24
The testicles tend to shrink after being on hormones for awhile so you may not even need to have them cut off. I have been on a full transition level  of estrogen and spironalactone for almost 8 years and I don't even think there's nothin down there any more

Yes, they do. Not only that, but they'll draw up inside your body. This process can cause a lot of pain. That pain was enough for my insurance to pay for the orchiectomy. The relief from their removal was enough that I went for a long walk the following day, with no pain.

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Quote from: Lady Sarah on October 08, 2017, 08:13:38 PM
Yes, they do. Not only that, but they'll draw up inside your body. This process can cause a lot of pain. That pain was enough for my insurance to pay for the orchiectomy. The relief from their removal was enough that I went for a long walk the following day, with no pain.

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Eek that sounds terrible. I have noticed that they have had the tendency to go up inside of my a lot more lately, and I've only been on estradiol and spiro for 2 years!

The reason I want the full orchie though it because, even though the testes do shrink, if I am, for some reason, without my hormones or blockers, the testosterone will return, and I just can't handle that.

Quote from: Allie24 on October 08, 2017, 08:58:36 PM
Eek that sounds terrible. I have noticed that they have had the tendency to go up inside of my a lot more lately, and I've only been on estradiol and spiro for 2 years!

The reason I want the full orchie though it because, even though the testes do shrink, if I am, for some reason, without my hormones or blockers, the testosterone will return, and I just can't handle that.

That is excellent reasoning. May I add: once the estrogens alter your anatomy enough, it would be totally heartbreaking to revert back, if you are happy being feminine. Testosterone can do bad things to someone that definitely does not identify as male.

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I see myself as appearing very androgynous. I dress anywhere from androgynous to very fem. I love my tanks and short shorts. I find that androgyny suits me well though. I've only been on HRT for 16 months so I'm sure there are still more changes coming and that's fine too. I'm already so much happier, almost anything beyond this point is just a bonus.

Quote from: Lady Sarah on October 08, 2017, 09:13:17 PM
That is excellent reasoning. May I add: once the estrogens alter your anatomy enough, it would be totally heartbreaking to revert back, if you are happy being feminine. Testosterone can do bad things to someone that definitely does not identify as male.

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You hit the nail right on the head!

Quote from: Daisy Jane on October 08, 2017, 09:50:55 PM
I see myself as appearing very androgynous. I dress anywhere from androgynous to very fem. I love my tanks and short shorts. I find that androgyny suits me well though. I've only been on HRT for 16 months so I'm sure there are still more changes coming and that's fine too. I'm already so much happier, almost anything beyond this point is just a bonus.

That's a good way to look at it. This process has taught me a lot about finding balance in my life. Everyone's path is different, but I think that the best transition is the one that both changes the body and accepts the body for what it is. I am and will always be biologically male, but that doesn't necessarily make me a man, and that doesn't mean I have to go through male puberty (or what was left of it). I'll never menstruate and I'll never be pregnant, but people will always see me as a woman, regardless. It's a strange existence, but I am finding that it is one that can be quite rewarding in the long run.