This thread is really starting to upset me,  and is driving me really low (I found myself revisting some old suicide plans earlier). Nobody's fault,  I appreciate all the answers,  I just don't think I'm ready to process this yet. I won't be posting any more here,  but if others want to,  please do. X

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At this point I would suggest talking to the surgeon if your not clear about your options then delay the decision as long as possible until you are sure what you want. You did much the same thing with your test run on HRT. There is nothing that says you must have your surgery at the one year mark. Mine was a bit over 2.5 years into RLE because the money wasn't available. The additional time helped to make it clearer in my mind just what the surgery would do for me. It replace the drive toward surgery with a logical thought out reason. While I couldn't put it into words, I understood that I had social dysphoria and RLE showed me that I was comfortable in the feminine role and I wouldn't regret having surgery. For you, RLE might help define what you want out of surgery and that would determine the surgery that's best for you.