Yeah, I have alot to learn.
Those videos were very helpful. Her other videos are even more helpful. Things I needed to hear. It's hard to navigate my mind about what I felt through all the repression and guilt/shame at the time. I kind of feel like I've been the victim of brainwashing sometimes.
It's possible some element of my story could be a trigger issue as I was bullied and the victim of violence and constant ridicule. I will try to limit the details, just wanted to warn you.
I've never liked my body hair or the hair on my head. I hate my huge feet. I don't like my build, everything is so big and tall.
I've always wanted to be a girl, but I thought I was sick or wrong. I knew it was wrong to everyone else. They were already picking on me and bullying me. Calling me "->-bleeped-<-" and "homo" and things like "Alice". "You stand like a girl" or "You act gay" or "Thats girl ->-bleeped-<-". My girlfriends and friends would just tell me I was just more effeminate and sensitive. I would make excuses. "I was raised by my mother alone." Things like that. I tried very hard for decades to kill my overly feminine presentation and traits to stop these comments, to stop them noticing me. In order to get by, to survive, and I would never equate the two. It's caused a lot of issues I think.
When I was younger and could "get away with it" I would wear women's underwear and tuck my penis when I was alone. I shaved my legs but the boys in gym noticed so I had to stop. When I was first married I could wear her stuff, which I did when she wasn't around but that got harder after we had our kid and I got bigger than her and I was almost never home alone.
I spent alot my free time as a teen on in chats pretending to be a girl.
I've envied girls my whole life. I used to try to wish hard enough that I'd wake up female. "They had it all, and none of these negatives", I would think. I've told about every girlfriend I ever had that I wished I could just be absorbed into their bodies and be a part of them and I think I really meant this as love, it was love-wise, but now I'm suspicious if it wasnt in part my longing to be them.
It seems, at least for me, missing parts bother me more than having a penis does. I don't know what that means, if anything, but my longing for breasts and a vagina has always been far stronger than my feelings about my penis. I didnt hate my penis, but I didnt love it either. It was more like I had been given the wrong luggage. I could wear the male clothing but I really wanted to get my luggage back, but that wasn't possible because I was well aware by the time I knew I felt this way, that this was essentially like a crime. I still want that luggage though, I'd trade right now, because waking up a girl wouldnt be my fault, they couldnt blame me, they might even just accept me. All my fear is based on how those closest to me will react.
I never liked my balls though, its like because I knew that's where all the maleness came from I've always kind of had a kind of contempt for them. Thier really gross. I've often commented to girlfriends that I wish I could just get rid of them. "Thier useless and have caused me so much trouble", I would say. They would just laugh. My wife told me once that sex was discomforting and I spent a month or two researching penial reduction surgery, which I can tell you, basically doesn't exist and the people who answer the phones at the enlargement surgery places acted pretty awkward about me inquiring about it. I could never tell a single male friend about that research. So this a hard question to answer.
I never not played a female video game character if one was available. And towards the end of this last year I played a particularly immersive story driven game where the protaganist is a girl and had alot of feelings come out. I WAS that girl and I had some real backsliding on feminine feelings and I got pretty confused and spent every waking moment playing this game and when it was over I had essentially a mourning period. It really messed me up.
Backstory, one night my wife showed me transition videos. I've watched them every so often ever since. I know I thought right away, i would do this. I saw Emma, shes from Norway, and she got to go female before her male hormones really came too hard and I was so jealous. To go back to that age and change, you cant even tell. "In a minute", I thought.
When the video game thing happened, a couple of months later I just started to have a stumbling. My feed is often filled with LGBTQ issues and I'd been reading through comments. Watching transition videos. Googling. Having these thoughts and it all just clicked when I read a piece over on Medium that felt similar enough that I kind of freaked out. I panicked so bad I was flailing about mentally. Trying to find someone to talk to. So I started writing the piece I mentioned, this post is maybe 40% of it, and looking for a place to read and talk to others to try and quell these mental white water rapids I'm on.
I found Susan's.
