(Note: the first part is just me being emotional, but I do ask a question at the end!)

So I just presented as female during a therapy appointment for the first time. Aside from the picture I posted on these forums, it was the first time anyone has seen me. It felt amazing. Normally I'm a nervous wreck for the entire appointment, but after an initial settling in period I was more relaxed than ever before during that sort of thing.

And now she's writing my HRT letter, I should have it in hand in a week or so.

I thought that everything was clear before... but this has made everything so perfectly real for me in a way that I could never imagine. And I'm excited, so very excited.

During the appointment I compared it to someone having a childhood dream of being an astronaut, thinking it will never come true, only to find themselves being accepted into a NASA program. ... This metaphor may have worked better back before NASA got weird and space started to become privatized, but the gist still stands! Anyway, I'm curious how other people felt about that moment., when you were granted the knowledge that this is all actually happening!

Space got privatized? That's ridonkulous! Silly humans, thinking they can own the Void...

For me that moment was definitely thrilling. I never had to get a note from my therapist to take hormones (I live Illinois... do the laws surrounding this vary state to state?.... assuming you are American, of course, please correct me if I am wrong) but when I saw the doctor and got my first prescription, boy was that an immense relief. Being as I was still in the throes of pubertal development, it was wonderful knowing that there was something of a stop button that could be pressed to cease its effects.

Well I always dreamed of being born or mysteriously discovering a uterus & ovaries... then I got an ultrasound that said just that... and after that a MRI that said the exact opposite lol.  Now I'm getting an endoscope because said region is cramping, bloating, and otherwise being miserable and not stopping.

Guess what I'm saying is be careful what you wish for, or dream   It just may come true, but sometimes reality might hurt more than a dream.

Making the doctor appointment for starting HRT was a big moment for me. I made the appointment while I was on my lunch break, then came back to work & jumped for joy with a girl friend I work with. I was so excited, I couldn't think of anything else all day! THIS WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN!!
Honestly, most every step along this path has been exciting! Those first few months there was an equal amount of anxiety, but now it's mostly excitement.

I always felt that I wasn't guaranteed to get any treatment at all if I didn't meet the therapist's standards of a transsexual person. With the NHS they are gatekeepers, and since I don't directly pay to have someone sign off on hormones or surgery, it felt like more their choice than mine.

So I suppose the actual 'moment' would have been when the supervising doctor did finally sign me off after a year of therapy for HRT and gave the official "go ahead" as it were. Until then, I felt I could have been wasting my time. The first GP appointment, the first psychiatrist/therapy session etc. could all have been for nothing without that and I didn't allow myself to feel anything until I was given official sanctions. I was just going through motions. In terms of excitement, I didn't feel a whole lot of that. What I did feel after 24 hours on the hormone was a deep sense of relaxation which definitely was not a placebo effect. 

A year on, and I think my personality has relaxed a great deal, removing many of the anxiety issues and intrusive negative thoughts that were once a daily part of life, and by way of that slowly transforming me into a more productive - and hopefully all round more contented and milder - person.

I had something similar, but not with a letter.  I was already doing my third round of DIY hormones.  I decided to see a doctor, have her monitor me and prescribe the right dosages and what not.  I had an emotional session with her telling my story, but what got me was the official paperwork at the end.  I was diagnosed transsexual.  It was so justification from an actual expert that my problems were an actual thing.  I cried in my car and read it over and over, good cry.

Quote from: Allie24 on October 10, 2017, 11:33:52 AM
Space got privatized? That's ridonkulous! Silly humans, thinking they can own the Void...

Well, space exploration anyway!

Quote
For me that moment was definitely thrilling. I never had to get a note from my therapist to take hormones (I live Illinois... do the laws surrounding this vary state to state?.... assuming you are American, of course, please correct me if I am wrong) but when I saw the doctor and got my first prescription, boy was that an immense relief. Being as I was still in the throes of pubertal development, it was wonderful knowing that there was something of a stop button that could be pressed to cease its effects.

I don't know if all require a letter here (I am in the US too, Georgia), but I know that the few options I've looked into do. Also, I'm hoping it helps with insurance coverage to be "officially diagnosed".

Quote from: Doreen on October 10, 2017, 11:35:57 AM
Guess what I'm saying is be careful what you wish for, or dream   It just may come true, but sometimes reality might hurt more than a dream.

Oh, I'm expecting my hematologist to bring that side of the hammer down on me. (I think I mixed metaphors there with sides of coins and bringing down hammers... bringing down the claw end of the hammer works I guess, but is a bit more gruesome than intended. )

Quote from: Sarah_P on October 10, 2017, 11:57:18 AM
Making the doctor appointment for starting HRT was a big moment for me. I made the appointment while I was on my lunch break, then came back to work & jumped for joy with a girl friend I work with. I was so excited, I couldn't think of anything else all day! THIS WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN!!
Honestly, most every step along this path has been exciting! Those first few months there was an equal amount of anxiety, but now it's mostly excitement.

I'm definitely walking a tight rope (I should scale back the metaphors...) on excitement and anxiety, but excitement seems to be winning out. I'm not sure when I can logistically get an HRT prescription appointment (my GP tends to have scheduling issues, and with other medical stuff I have to go through him first), but as excited as I am right now I can't imagine how excited I'll be then. (On the anxiety front, still have to contend with coming out and a few financial worries, but if I can work up the courage for the one I believe the other will fall into place with family support.)

Quote from: Viktor on October 10, 2017, 02:15:12 PM
So I suppose the actual 'moment' would have been when the supervising doctor did finally sign me off after a year of therapy for HRT and gave the official "go ahead" as it were. Until then, I felt I could have been wasting my time. The first GP appointment, the first psychiatrist/therapy session etc. could all have been for nothing without that and I didn't allow myself to feel anything until I was given official sanctions. I was just going through motions. In terms of excitement, I didn't feel a whole lot of that. What I did feel after 24 hours on the hormone was a deep sense of relaxation which definitely was not a placebo effect. 

I hate hearing that you had to go through that (and what other people have said with NHS as well), I don't think I would have been able to make it through that level of scrutiny without buckling and retreating into my anxiety. I told my therapist how much I appreciated her earlier, and I meant it, because without finding someone willing to see me in these circumstances (online) with that specialty I could picture this going radically differently.

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 10, 2017, 02:52:01 PM
I was diagnosed transsexual.  It was so justification from an actual expert that my problems were an actual thing.  I cried in my car and read it over and over, good cry.

I think maybe more than the hormones, this is really the crux of it for me as well. As we were going through the letter, I had the feeling that I was answering her questions "correctly" (not the best word here, not sure how else to phrase it), and not in a way that I was actively trying to say what I thought she needed to hear, but simply by being honest. Part of me going in was wondering if she'd stop typing at some point and just say "Nope, hold on, stop! You're not ready for this/You're not really transgender/etc." So when she just smiled, and said she'd have it ready soon I was overjoyed. That validation is incredible, and I definitely feel the need to be validated simply by my nature to begin with.

Hi Ellie (your profile suggested that you thought that was your name, is this still the case?),

I can really relate to your excitement with your therapist preparing your letter, that magic feeling of, "this is really real!".

I had similar feelings at several points; when I first realized that I was transgender and made my first therapist appointment, getting my hrt letter, beginning another round of therapy for the surgery letters, getting my surgery letters in hand, meeting my gcs surgeon and setting a date, and finally walking to the hospital, laying on the gurney and being rolled into surgery! Each point was magic and another confirmation of, "this is really real!". I haven't had another of those moments since waking up after surgery but that was only a month ago but I kind of expect a few more realizations of the magic of the journey before the end my days.

Keep celebrating for the magic is real!
Anne

For me, the magic moment was towards the end of my first appointment with my therapist.  I had given her my history and we had talked about why I thought I was TG.  As we wrapped the session up, she said, "I don't think I will have any problem writing your HRT letter."

It was pure relief: "OMG, I wasn't just imagining it all."  I knew then that my transition was going to happen.

I had a similar moment after a session when we discussed my fears about going full-time.  She suggested several more appointments to work on that.  When I got home, it hit me: I don't have time for more appointments.  I have already picked the date I am doing it.  This train has left the station, and it has no brakes!  My fears just evaporated.

Quote from: Anne Blake on October 10, 2017, 03:46:44 PM
Hi Ellie (your profile suggested that you thought that was your name, is this still the case?),

It's what I had her put in the letter even! Funny enough I have more anxiety and uncertainty about living up to a name that I chose more than anything else. I almost said put down undecided, but just stuck by it.

Quote from: KathyLauren on October 10, 2017, 03:54:08 PM
I had a similar moment after a session when we discussed my fears about going full-time.  She suggested several more appointments to work on that.  When I got home, it hit me: I don't have time for more appointments.  I have already picked the date I am doing it.  This train has left the station, and it has no brakes!  My fears just evaporated.

That's about where I am for coming out to my family. I've pretty much set a line in the sand at thanksgiving and am pushing other things to get finished before then. (Stuff that I don't want to turn awkward on a day to day basis, hard to explain.)

Hi Roll,

Congrats for this! Another step in the right direction for you

And about your question, I pretty much took all control about my process in the beginning, and self medicated for a couple of weeks before I actually had the endo appointment. I was excited but also nervous at first because I was doing it by myself. Once I got my test results and saw the doctor, the nervousness went away since he said everything was OK on my results and my dosage was fine

I remember the angst of my first presenting as female therapy appointment well, and that was 6 years ago! I was a nervous wreck for weeks. Making up Pro-Con lists. Adding "Weighting" factors since a simple binary does not quantify the overall importance. Then finally talking myself into it, hiving my therapist a heads up, and him asking.... Are you sure about this?

My "This is It" moment came months before that with my therapist when for the umpteenth time I said; "blah blah blah... I am a transgender woman.... yada yada... WTF " A bolt of lightning hit me just after I said it. It struck me to the core.  I took full ownership of my transness that instant.

I still wish I could trade it in for for something with a smoother ride 

Quote from: Roll on October 10, 2017, 04:59:02 PM
! Funny enough I have more anxiety and uncertainty about living up to a name that I chose more than anything else. I almost said put down undecided, but just stuck by it.

OMG!
Me too! Thats why I am so wishy washy on it.