Quote from: Courtney.lane408 on October 11, 2017, 09:38:32 PM
Thanks for your response I really appreciate it! One thing I am definitely realizing is that you are right it's never gonna be one big decision. I'm never gonna know for sure one way or another, and no amount of pondering / anlyazing my thoughts / Talking to people is gonna convince me one way or another either. That is what I have been doing for the past 10 years since I was 15 and it hasn't worked.

What I'm allowing myself to do now is to embrace this littlle by little. I've started presenting female more and more at my house and am talking with and hanging out with other trans girls in my area now. I think the only way this is gonna work for me is that if the times where I am presenting female with the other girls and at home by myself and whenever  become when I'm happier and more comfortable and then I notice I'm not as happy in guy mode in comparison and I would rather just get to stay in girl mode for longer and longer each time than I'll come out to my friends and family and transition. If I find out that while I like presenting as a girl and being in social situations as a girl but I also miss my guy mode and do want to go back to it sometimes then transitioning probably isn't right for me. I just think I have to give it a real world test run that isn't half assed crossdressing ->-bleeped-<-. The only way I'm gonna know what would make me happier is trying both with max like effort and immersion and seeing which I like better. The trick is how do I do this without coming out to my friends and family when I live in the same city, Richmond Virginia, as I grew up in?

Other transgirls [who are afraid to go out] are rather  boring. The world is wide. Experience it. Or not.

You don't need to come out immediately, if you go out now and then

Quote from: katiekatt on October 11, 2017, 08:12:53 PM
Susans and all the people here always seem to help!

Courtney,
I wish I had a face like yours! You're gorgeous!

I'm sure you are gorgeous in your own way! But that is really nice of you either way I wish I got to have the face of all these girls I see on YouTube who transitioned at puberty. There wishing they could be cis. The cis girls are probably wishing they could look like some actress. Point is you just gotta to learn to be happy with what you got. knowing that, and really believing it are two different things though lol and I haven't been able to accept that but I'm just more or less quoting a wise friend on wishing you looked like someone else.


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Quote from: Courtney.lane408 on October 11, 2017, 09:53:39 PM
I'm sure you are gorgeous in your own way! But that is really nice of you either way I wish I got to have the face of all these girls I see on YouTube who transitioned at puberty. There wishing they could be cis. The cis girls are probably wishing they could look like some actress. Point is you just gotta to learn to be happy with what you got. knowing that, and really believing it are two different things though lol and I haven't been able to accept that but I'm just more or less quoting a wise friend on wishing you looked like someone else.

    Good attitude to have at the very least. I guess that's the difference between acceptance and complacency. You can accept your current lot in life, yet still strive to improve it, unless you're Hindu, but that's a completely different subject. While true, you can always take another step, ad infinitum, until you get to the point that the "Human Barbie" is at, and be full of regret about poor choices, or surgical mishaps, it usually doesn't hurt anything to take a few, well reasoned ones, at a pace that you are comfortable with.  That pace might only be 1 baby step a decade, but if it works for you, then who is anyone else to judge, much like Elkie-T stated.

HUGS!

Quote from: JennyBear on October 11, 2017, 01:30:45 AM
  Most people (including transwomen) get self esteem boosts from others' compliments. As she stated, even when people like her looks when presenting as male, she still feels like she should be physically female. Sometimes (in my case for instance,) self denial and trying to take the easiest road caused me to be somewhat happy with any success I achieved, be it dating, sports, military etc. The more attractive my physique was, the less dysphoria I felt, mostly due to how successful I felt. There was always the underlying dissatisfaction though

Jenny all of this is a perfect way to explain and I had never thought about it that way. The fact that I always felt good about getting compliments as a man gave me a lot of doubts about my "transness" so what you say is definitely enlightening and relieving.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 12, 2017, 12:47:09 AM
Jenny all of this is a perfect way to explain and I had never thought about it that way. The fact that I always felt good about getting compliments as a man gave me a lot of doubts about my "transness" so what you say is definitely enlightening and relieving.

    I got out of the Army in 2001, just before 9/11, and fully came to terms with my trans issues over the next year or so. That means that I've had nearly 2 decades to deal with it and explore myself and the issue. I've also taken some psychology and counseling classes. Combining the two just adds to my familiarity with internal issues. That's where the theory came from, not some genius light bulb in my head or anything, just good, old fashioned experience. I'm glad that it's helped you as well as hopefully the OP.

HUGS.

Courtney, wow.  You are lucky to have your facial structure.  You have so many options if you decide. 

I wasn't sure about HRT or rearranging part of my life, but at that time I received advice to seriously tackle facial hair and I did that first - and very glad I did.  Looking at 2 or 3 years for hair removal seemed like infinity until I realized if I had started a couple years earlier I'd already be done.  The way I figured it was, even if I didn't transition at least I wouldn't have to deal with shaving as I aged. 

It's called a gender spectrum for a reason... you can blend, mix and match characteristics for clothing, hair style, etc.  I switched to women's jeans long before I started a more visible transition (HRT etc.) and starting finding shoe styles that weren't as gender specific. 

Quote from: elkie-t on October 11, 2017, 09:44:13 PM
> Other transgirls [who are afraid to go out] are rather  boring. The world is wide. Experience it. Or not.

Elkie-t I don't agree with what you said here.  In the years before I had the courage to go out as my true self nobody called me boring.  I have many hobbies and worked hard for what I have.  I see transition as unlocking additional potential for me but everyone should make decisions best for themselves.  If an individual is transgender and dresses privately that might be the best therapy available at that point in time.

Quote from: Kendra on October 12, 2017, 09:31:15 AM
Courtney, wow.  You are lucky to have your facial structure.  You have so many options if you decide. 

I wasn't sure about HRT or rearranging part of my life, but at that time I received advice to seriously tackle facial hair and I did that first - and very glad I did.  Looking at 2 or 3 years for hair removal seemed like infinity until I realized if I had started a couple years earlier I'd already be done.  The way I figured it was, even if I didn't transition at least I wouldn't have to deal with shaving as I aged. 

It's called a gender spectrum for a reason... you can blend, mix and match characteristics for clothing, hair style, etc.  I switched to women's jeans long before I started a more visible transition (HRT etc.) and starting finding shoe styles that weren't as gender specific. 
Elkie-t I don't agree with what you said here.  In the years before I had the courage to go out as my true self nobody called me boring.  I have many hobbies and worked hard for what I have.  I see transition as unlocking additional potential for me but everyone should make decisions best for themselves.  If an individual is transgender and dresses privately that might be the best therapy available at that point in time.

I called them boring in the context of meeting them in private environment. All talks usually turn out to how they are miserable with their need to hide their girl self. I wouldn't call them boring as a persons, sorry for not being clear

Quote from: elkie-t on October 12, 2017, 10:21:04 AM
I called them boring in the context of meeting them in private environment. All talks usually turn out to how they are miserable with their need to hide their girl self. I wouldn't call them boring as a persons, sorry for not being clear

    Even then, a statement like that with a broad generalization can be misunderstood and act as a trigger for dysphoria and depression. It can come across as insensitively invalidating them as a transwoman, like saying those that aren't ready to go out in public are boring as people and not fully "trans" yet, regardless of how you meant it. In a sanctuary environment like this website, its best to refrain from all disparaging remarks regarding other transwomen in particular or in generalized groups. Kinda like how the term "guys" which is colloquially used without a gender distinction, can still be a trigger word for some due to is masculine connotation. Whoever you talk to here might mentally include themselves in whatever trans category you refer to, so try not to accidentally cause pain. We're all in this together.

HUGS!

Quote from: elkie-t on October 12, 2017, 10:21:04 AM
I called them boring in the context of meeting them in private environment. All talks usually turn out to how they are miserable with their need to hide their girl self. I wouldn't call them boring as a persons, sorry for not being clear

I actually appreciate this advice since I'm just now trying to meet other trans girls and hang out. I want girl friends, not trans girls my age who can be some kinda guide or mentor. I realize this is a 100% something I have to decide for my self and I have strangers on the internet to whine, complain, question or whatever to.There are only but so many cool trans girl my age in the area so it's important reminder to make sure when we do hang I remember all my social skills from being a guy. I'm sure the last thing they are gonna wanna do is have heart to hearts with some stranger. There just looking for causal friends like everyone else.


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Any statement or lack of response can trigger an unstable person to do stupid things.

Again, I share my personal opinions based on significant attempts to socialize. The only interesting ones (for me) came from people who were confident in being out and therefore had interesting experiences to share with me and teach me a thing or two. Those transgirls that aren't ready to venture out, they are so early on - they mostly just complain how they cannot do what they want to do. What fun is there for me?


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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 12, 2017, 12:47:09 AM
Jenny all of this is a perfect way to explain and I had never thought about it that way. The fact that I always felt good about getting compliments as a man gave me a lot of doubts about my "transness" so what you say is definitely enlightening and relieving.

Ohhhh, that and sooooooo many things. Or at least for me. So much doubt and I'm just swinging from doubt to confidence, doubt to confidence. I'll experience something affirming and feel like this is it, and then something will cause distress and I will doubt, doubt, doubt.

Quote from: elkie-t on October 12, 2017, 04:28:47 PM
Any statement or lack of response can trigger an unstable person to do stupid things.
Those transgirls that aren't ready to venture out, they are so early on - they mostly just complain how they cannot do what they want to do. What fun is there for me?

Oh... I've posted and deleted like a handful of messages already. No one responds and I got all twisted up and I delete it thinking I must be so whacked out no one will even respond. 

You have a little something I wish I had more of and hearing all this its probably true on some level. I'm not judging you for that. It is what it is, but I have to say out loud.... I wish I had that kind of confidence, but I can't help who I am.

I want to find someone else who understands because I'm wobbly and unsure I can stand on my own. That support in a vacuum of anyone who even cares, let alone might wish us harm, is everything to me. I won't be like this forever, I'll get stronger, but not today probably. Probably not this month. It seems to me most girls come in here in the beginning like this. Flailing with this new territory that none of us has experience with before this, and most people will never have to learn to navigate. I don't find it weak, its just human.

That's just me.

Quote from: katiekatt on October 12, 2017, 06:53:04 PM
Ohhhh, that and sooooooo many things. Or at least for me. So much doubt and I'm just swinging from doubt to confidence, doubt to confidence. I'll experience something affirming and feel like this is it, and then something will cause distress and I will doubt, doubt, doubt.

Welcome to the club

Quote from: katiekatt on October 12, 2017, 06:53:04 PM

Oh... I've posted and deleted like a handful of messages already. No one responds and I got all twisted up and I delete it thinking I must be so whacked out no one will even respond. 

You have a little something I wish I had more of and hearing all this its probably true on some level. I'm not judging you for that. It is what it is, but I have to say out loud.... I wish I had that kind of confidence, but I can't help who I am.

I want to find someone else who understands because I'm wobbly and unsure I can stand on my own. That support in a vacuum of anyone who even cares, let alone might wish us harm, is everything to me. I won't be like this forever, I'll get stronger, but not today probably. Probably not this month. It seems to me most girls come in here in the beginning like this. Flailing with this new territory that none of us has experience with before this, and most people will never have to learn to navigate. I don't find it weak, its just human.

That's just me.

I'm with you 100% on this.

But don't delete posts, give it time! Particularly if it's in a sub forum, it's easy for stuff to get lost in many of them. And I know how that feels, trust me. I have to struggle to make myself post threads and leave them be. 99% of the time I'm a passive participant in other forums, joining in on threads but not creating them for pretty my entire life. As part of my journey I'm trying to find the confidence to become more proactive though, since I figure if I can work up the courage to even take the small steps I've done so far, then posting something that gets ignored is nothin'. And even getting to that wasn't overnight.

i for one certainly still lack confidence. I don't think I'm a wallower per se and I wouldn't sit around complaining, but at the same time I'm definitely not one of those girls that is ready to venture out. I'm not even ready to venture downstairs. Every little step though, every little thing I figure out about myself I find that my confidence grows. (Flattering clothes instead of trying to squeeze into those designed to fit people 10 inches shorter than me helped a lot. )

I actually feel a bit bipolar in all of this. I reach some serious almost manic highs, usually when I'm posting here, looking forward to a therapy appointment (which is itself a weird feeling to me), or feel like I made progress on makeup/voice/weight loss/etc. Confidence soars, perhaps even a touch of overcompensating arrogance. (I found myself looking at a picture of a woman in a magazine earlier thinking "I'm prettier than you..." ) But then there are times that confidence is nowhere to be seen, and I'm the scared little girl in tears trying not to throw up while submitting my introduction post. (From a whole month and a half ago that has felt like years. Or something like that, I don't know, I'm bad with time.) But then I guess that's why they call it a rollercoaster.

Quote from: katiekatt on October 12, 2017, 06:53:04 PM
You have a little something I wish I had more of and hearing all this its probably true on some level. I'm not judging you for that. It is what it is, but I have to say out loud.... I wish I had that kind of confidence, but I can't help who I am.

I want to find someone else who understands because I'm wobbly and unsure I can stand on my own. That support in a vacuum of anyone who even cares, let alone might wish us harm, is everything to me. I won't be like this forever, I'll get stronger, but not today probably. Probably not this month. It seems to me most girls come in here in the beginning like this. Flailing with this new territory that none of us has experience with before this, and most people will never have to learn to navigate. I don't find it weak, its just human.

That's just me.

Oh, darling. Confidence comes with age, and with realization that life goes on and you don't want to regret missed opportunities and unfulfilled dreams.

I knew I was transgender since 12? Not really sure, because some vague memories goes much further. I came out publicly to my class during Halloween-kind of excuse when I was 14, but it was well in late 80s and we didn't know better. I got a little friendly teasing, and huge mental satisfaction, but did not follow through. My manboobs started growing when I was 16 and my mother took me to a doctor who prescribed me T. What a wonderful opportunity to come out to my mother (and she was supportive dressing me as a girl a few years before)... yet I did not. But I did dispose T as soon as I get it.
Fast forward... After many wonderful experiences, living for a year nearly full time as a girl (and having wonderful memories and positive response 99% of the time - much more than I ever had as a male), I am completely in detransition (other than being on this forum - I don't do anything related to crossdressing, and present as a very convincing male). I did experience all that crossdressing could give me, and found it's enjoyment diminishing with time. So short of full transition - I was feeling incomplete or even fake, and I was not (am not) ready to start transition.


So - you have more potential to live your dreams than me, don't be envious I realized my limits and for you - everything is still open.

As far as going out - it's simple. As long as you change from male to female (and back) far enough from your house and venture far enough - you're safe in anonymity Don't mix places visited as a guy and as a girl, don't change at home (well changing in your garage and driving out is a possibility if you don't care what your neighbors would have to say), otherwise - get a place to store your belongings and change in any storage facility way outside your male movement patterns (not near home, not near work, not near a place you go with your kids), and voila... simple

Yet, even if you go 100 miles from your home, to a safe place, it's scary for the first few times. But it is scary and exciting. When it is no longer scary - it becomes a boring routine....

Quote from: elkie-t on October 12, 2017, 04:28:47 PM
Any statement or lack of response can trigger an unstable person to do stupid things.

Again, I share my personal opinions based on significant attempts to socialize. The only interesting ones (for me) came from people who were confident in being out and therefore had interesting experiences to share with me and teach me a thing or two. Those transgirls that aren't ready to venture out, they are so early on - they mostly just complain how they cannot do what they want to do. What fun is there for me?

    Agreed, and much better way of phrasing your feelings on the subject, IMO. If that came across as bitchy, I apologize. Was more meant as a reminder about comments often taken as derogatory, not as a personal attack.

HUGS!

You are very cute! You make a better girl than guy. You are almost stealth as it is. I think with hrt, you'd be a babe. I'm so jelly.