I just learned that my sister will be staying with me for the month of November.  She has stayed with me a lot, so this is no surprise.  It is however the first time she's there while I'm actively transitioning.  I'm doing 8 plus hours a week of electrolysis so that's hard to hide, plus I'm not longer trying to be drab.  I'm not presenting, but I'm only wearing ladies jeans, shoes, soon to be earrings too. I attend a tg support group also.  At the end of the month I'm going to get my hairline restored.  With all these together, I don't think there is any way I cannot hide it from her.  I'm thinking my new date to come out with her will be Nov 1st.  I'm not sure how to bring it up, a letter I don't think would work as well as being face to face.  I think I've got to do it at home because I will cry, I'm sure of it, and don't want that to happen in public even though I'm sure she would be supportive.  I am hoping she won't want me to go into my history since it was bad enough to admit it all to myself.  I'm sure I'll have to give her some history though.  I'm trying to work up the courage to do it.  I can't lay down hints till then mainly because she has enough on her plate getting married in less than two weeks.  Feeling mixed up, wanting to come clean, afraid to do it.

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 10, 2017, 07:48:20 PM
I just learned that my sister will be staying with me for the month of November.  She has stayed with me a lot, so this is no surprise.  It is however the first time she's there while I'm actively transitioning.  I'm doing 8 plus hours a week of electrolysis so that's hard to hide, plus I'm not longer trying to be drab.  I'm not presenting, but I'm only wearing ladies jeans, shoes, soon to be earrings too. I attend a tg support group also.  At the end of the month I'm going to get my hairline restored.  With all these together, I don't think there is any way I cannot hide it from her.  I'm thinking my new date to come out with her will be Nov 1st.  I'm not sure how to bring it up, a letter I don't think would work as well as being face to face.  I think I've got to do it at home because I will cry, I'm sure of it, and don't want that to happen in public even though I'm sure she would be supportive.  I am hoping she won't want me to go into my history since it was bad enough to admit it all to myself.  I'm sure I'll have to give her some history though.  I'm trying to work up the courage to do it.  I can't lay down hints till then mainly because she has enough on her plate getting married in less than two weeks.  Feeling mixed up, wanting to come clean, afraid to do it.

You could write a letter, and have your history in it.  Have it ready for her when she arrives.  Then all you have to do is be available to answer questions.  Or you can have a friend there to support you while you talk to her about it.

Quote from: Artesia on October 10, 2017, 08:06:44 PM
You could write a letter, and have your history in it.  Have it ready for her when she arrives.  Then all you have to do is be available to answer questions.  Or you can have a friend there to support you while you talk to her about it.

I do like that idea.  Have it just in case.  I should probably write my history out just for me to remember later in life too.  I'm not out to friends yet.  I am out to a select few coworkers though.  I've been waiting to do this coming out when I could actually present as female.  Perhaps that's folly on my part.

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 10, 2017, 08:16:29 PM
I do like that idea.  Have it just in case.  I should probably write my history out just for me to remember later in life too.  I'm not out to friends yet.  I am out to a select few coworkers though.  I've been waiting to do this coming out when I could actually present as female.  Perhaps that's folly on my part.

Maybe, but maybe not.  For me, I waited about 8-10 months before talking to my closest male friend.  I told my best friend, female, before I went to therapy; but then it was an "I think I might be" not an "I am".  My last friend, was just told last week.  On Facebook.  I very seldom see him, so forgot to talk to him about it.  The girls I told in between, are taking me out this upcoming weekend on a girls night.  It'll be my first.

Sorry, I digress.  People will surprise you.  Some will be really supportive, even when you think they won't, and some will unfriend you, when you thought they would stick with you.  Some people will be not want to know, and others will wish you had told them sooner.  Depends on your friends personalities.

I don't really have the qualification to offer any advice on this issue considering I am trying to figure out how to approach it as well, I just wanted to offer encouragement!

Though if you feel that your sister will be accepting (and that you didn't mention otherwise, I assume that to be the case), try to hold onto that and do your best to let it ease your nervousness. Or at least that is what my totally-unqualified-for-said-advice-self (which I seem to have given the advice anyway  ) is trying to do. Seems to be working okay-ish in that I'm not totally panicking over the idea of coming out, when knowing myself it seems like I would be.

Family is hard to come out too. To be honest they were the last ones that I came clean to because you feel the pressure of their judgement more than others. They matter the most to most people. I was very nervous, I told my sister first and actually she helped me by prepping them before I talked to them. You have to tell her in a way that is as stressful for you. Be genuine and honest with her, be open, and being vulnerable is not a bad thing. I know you don't want to cry but, if you do it is not a horrible response to have at all, I mean you are opening you soul up to your sister on your most hidden secret. I like the letter idea and let her read it then, let her ask questions and respond. Bari you seem like a great person and real!!! If your family is anything like you then they should take it okay. Just be you whatever you do!

Quote from: Jailyn on October 10, 2017, 08:30:57 PM
. Bari you seem like a great person and real!!! If your family is anything like you then they should take it okay. Just be you whatever you do!

Thanks, my sister is great and my best friend.  She is much more real than me.  I've lived fake all my life until recently.  No more fake, hopefully.  I'm trying:)

Have no doubt, there is no way your sister is not going to know something is up. If not almost immediately.

I remember having a letter, or a script, done up with all I wanted to make sure got covered when the time came for me to drop the T-Bomb on my wife. It was blown to hell before the 3rd sentence. It took about 2 months of a lot of talking to cover the high points.

Is your sister going to show up at your front door?  Airport pickup?  Driving but is Geographically Challenged like I am and knows she'll be hopeless lost trying to find your place?

If she is showing up at the front door, half the problem is solved. Most likely at first glance she will see something is a LOT different about you, even if you do all DRAB. You know sisters can be. (BTW - Older or Younger by how much?).  If she is showing up around eating time, then a little time can be brought while food is being done up and she gets to take all of you in and likely start asking questions on her own

Quote from: Artesia on October 10, 2017, 08:25:52 PMThe girls I told in between, are taking me out this upcoming weekend on a girls night.  It'll be my first.

Isn't that so cool, Artesia? Just tonight I got the same kind of invitation. The women in the neighborhood have welcomed me into their world with open arms, and are arranging a girl's night out for me and my wife, dining and line dancing. Neither of us know anything about dancing, but I'm feeling so joyful right now, I may give it a try.

Stephanie

Quote from: JoanneB on October 10, 2017, 08:53:57 PM
Have no doubt, there is no way your sister is not going to know something is up. If not almost immediately.

I remember having a letter, or a script, done up with all I wanted to make sure got covered when the time came for me to drop the T-Bomb on my wife. It was blown to hell before the 3rd sentence. It took about 2 months of a lot of talking to cover the high points.

Is your sister going to show up at your front door?  Airport pickup?  Driving but is Geographically Challenged like I am and knows she'll be hopeless lost trying to find your place?

If she is showing up at the front door, half the problem is solved. Most likely at first glance she will see something is a LOT different about you, even if you do all DRAB. You know sisters can be. (BTW - Older or Younger by how much?).  If she is showing up around eating time, then a little time can be brought while food is being done up and she gets to take all of you in and likely start asking questions on her own

Hi Joanne, I've seen my sister who is a year and a half older than me every couple weeks.  She has seen me plenty, and I'm sure it's obvious that I'm up to something. I would love if she brought it up first.  She has before,/after but I was never ready to admit who I was.  I think I'm ready, but kind of have to anyway.

She used to live with me so she knows exactly where I live, and has a key.  Yes she'lll probably come around dinner time and typically we would go out.  I'm a terrible cook for anything except desserts, so we'd go out.

I'll write the letter, and even if I don't get to it, I might give it to her after so she can have the whole story.  Or maybe have two envelopes, one basic and one more detailed to only open if she needs more info.

This will be my homework the next couple weeks.  I will post the basic one here to get feedback like Roll.

Thanks for your comments and support everyone.  I think this will be my most difficult coming out mainly because of how close we are, and how I've basically been lying about who I am for nearly my whole life.  Plus she knows all that.  After this, it might be easier.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 11, 2017, 12:19:43 AM
Hi Joanne, I've seen my sister who is a year and a half older than me every couple weeks.  She has seen me plenty, and I'm sure it's obvious that I'm up to something. I would love if she brought it up first.  She has before,/after but I was never ready to admit who I was.  I think I'm ready, but kind of have to anyway.

She used to live with me so she knows exactly where I live, and has a key.  Yes she'lll probably come around dinner time and typically we would go out.  I'm a terrible cook for anything except desserts, so we'd go out.

I'll write the letter, and even if I don't get to it, I might give it to her after so she can have the whole story.  Or maybe have two envelopes, one basic and one more detailed to only open if she needs more info.

This will be my homework the next couple weeks.  I will post the basic one here to get feedback like Roll.

Thanks for your comments and support everyone.  I think this will be my most difficult coming out mainly because of how close we are, and how I've basically been lying about who I am for nearly my whole life.  Plus she knows all that.  After this, it might be easier.

Bari Jo

    First and foremost, HUGS! This isn't easy for the vast majority of us. Still working on my Brother, but haven't been able to reach him, or he's just ignoring me. He leans strongly conservative and is kind of a douche, so I wouldn't put it past him that he knows and doesn't want to deal with it. Anyone that really knows you like your sister probably has a very good idea whats going on, just not the details. The twin letters is a great idea, helps get all your thoughts out, while compartmentalizing things she has to know and things better left unsaid if the night doesn't pan out well. I would still start with "Hello/Hi (sister's name,) I'd like you to meet your sister Bari Jo. Just handing her the first letter without the verbal greeting could come off as rude and impersonal, not a great way to start.

    There are options, both on the initial greeting, and dinner. You could tell her you have something very important to reveal to her, and that you would rather greet her at the door. Formally introduce her to her sister so to speak. Regarding dinner, you could always order in, pizza, Chinese, etc. Since you do desserts well, (one of my main culinary weak points,) you could make/bake her something from scratch for after the takeout. It'll have the effect of showing that both she and this (reveal) are important enough to you to put in the extra effort to make her something special. Knowing the tears that are bound to flow, (and mascara to be redone,) I totally agree with your original idea not to be in public that first evening. Keep it private and personal.

    Don't be so hard on yourself. Though it's likely she may harbor a tiny bit of hurt feelings and resentment that you didn't feel comfortable with her enough or trust her enough to let her know your secret before now, she will understand why. Not being ready to face close loved ones, let alone the world as yourself isn't exactly lying. She should be able to empathize that you love her so much that how she feels about it scares you.

    If she need's any help understanding where you are coming from and what its like, feel free to use my go-to analogy, (only works with women though):

    "Imagine that you wake up tomorrow the same person in every way, same heart, same mind, same spirit; with one exception, you now have a male body." (Let that sink in for a few seconds, once you can tell she's visualizing it, proceed.) "It might be interesting, and even a little fun at first, but since it's not really you, it would eventually become a nightmare." (Another pause while her psyche catches up, hopefully with verbal agreement, possibly asking "With me so far?") "Well sis, that's the nightmare I've been waking up to every day of my life since I was (insert the age when you realized that you are transgender.)"  "Every night going to bed hoping, wishing, and praying that I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fixed and I can be normal; and every morning the same depressing result, another day in the wrong body, another day hiding myself from the world, and another day wishing I could get to the light that I hope is at the end of the tunnel." (If I'm emotionally close to the person, I'm always in tears at this point.) I've never had a female, even those that weren't very Pro-GBLTQ, not have a deeper understanding of me and what it's like after explaining this.

    Be ready for her tears as well, as the magnitude of that realization hits her. Don't expect her to not hug you fiercely and cry on each others shoulders for a bit, because it's most likely going to happen. Let her know how long you've wanted to tell her, and how much of your sisterhood you two have missed out on. Doesn't hurt to lift her spirits and put a smile on her face, or maybe even a laugh, to remind her that this means she has a new shopping buddy. Once she "gets it," a lot of your past won't even need to be shared, unless you both want to. A lot of who you were (ie. possible macho overcompensation yet still underlying gentle spirit,) will make sense to her immediately.

    At any rate, I hope all goes well. Keep us updated. And remember, you are strong enough to do this. We all support you.

HUGS!

Hey hun,  having a letter,  even if you don't use it is it good idea. I wrote a letter when it came to telling my Ex. I had fully intended to read it to her,  but was unable (totally choked up),  so at least she was able to read it herself.
It sounds like you and your sister are close,  and I wish you the best,  whatever and whenever you choose to do it.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Reading these responses and suggestions has gotten me choked up several times tonight, unfortunately while I was pulling a late night review.  (Lots of people). I bottled it up till I got home and read them again, and the tears are flowing hard.  Thank you all for your support.  I will try and live up to all these great suggestions.

I can't stress enough how great it is to have this group.  I don't think I could do this without the support here.

Bari Jo

Today was a brutal emotional day.  I spent my commute, both ways  and lunch hour writing the letter for my sister.  I was nearly crying the whole time and not hiding it well.  A coworker even came in to tell me to "hang in there'.  I'm still almost crying, but I think it's a good enough draft to get opinions.  Let me know what you think?  Maybe how to change to make it better?

Bari Jo

Part 1, The Reveal
If you are reading this, then I'm probably a mess crying rather than saying what I want and need to say. I'm fairly certain you are aware of my issues personally and in relating to others in love and friendship. In short, and saying this up front before going into any of my history, I'm transgender. I've struggled with the ramifications, outcomes, problems with this for nearly 40 years. I've denied and repressed as long as I could, it's part of me. This has made me hollow and unfeeling, uncomfortable with myself, anyone I've tried to get close to, even just being in social situations and work environments. At times the disconnect that comes with this is almost debilitating. I've finally accepted what I am, and am not fighting it anymore. I've carried the weight of shame, and denial for far too long. From now on, I plan on taking steps to live as myself, as the person I've felt I am inside for as long as I can remember. On the plus side you won't have to learn a new name, or call me anything else. I'm accepting the name Mom and Dad had for me originally before I was born of "Bari Jo". This makes it easy for everybody, besides I like the name, and the history that goes with it.

I want you to know that the struggle was entirely my fault. I didn't have the tools nor maturity to deal with this issue. I know you tried to get me to open up many times. Nothing you could have said or done could have made this happen sooner or differently. I wasn't ready, I'm still not ready, but feel the need to do it finally.

I will still be the same individual you have grown up with, and learned to love despite my faults. I will still be here for you as well in the same capacity, but now also with something more and a calmness that comes with personal acceptance.

I hope you are able to accept this and me if not now, sometime soon. You are a big part of my life, and I want you to remain a big part.

Part 2, The History
I've struggled with my identity all my life, since grade school and before. I knew I was different, I knew that I didn't fit in from an early age. I had nothing but support from our family, well except Andrea. She would ask me often if I was gay. I always answered honestly, no, I'm not. In fact I'm straight, but do like men. I know I've had girlfriends, but they never lasted and it was my fault. I was always struggling with my internal demons that made me not want to be masculine. Mom and Dad had conversations with me trying to see if I would rather be a girl a few times, even offering avenues to achieve it. In my head I was always wanting to say yes, but couldn't admit it. Environmental factors were stronger than family since I was bombarded from all sides to not be different from friends, teachers, TV, you name it. The message was to fit in, and accept my assigned gender.

So the repression took hold. I became fairly good at putting up a facade. I hid behind my make believe persona, but in my head it was always the opposite. At times this facade would break down and I'd have to let Bari Jo come out if only for a tiny bit, even if this was only in very small ways. Sometimes the facade would hold for years before another breakdown would happen.

On the other hand these breakdowns sometimes were very soul crushing and life changing too. I've been broken a few times so badly that the only way out I found was to attempt transition. I did this three times on my own using herbal hormones and anti androgens before feeling fine again or scaring myself into stopping. This is the problem with Gender Dysphoria, it's mental, and also chemical/hormonal. In a transgender person, if the hormone balance is restored to what your brain needs and body craves, rather than what you can create, you feel fine. You are able to function, think clearly, feel calm, and rationalize incorrectly you don't need it anymore. I've learned the hard way that I do need it a few times. Not only do the feelings of dysphoria come back, but stronger than ever. This last time I could barely function from it.

On the plus side, I'm starting to get a handle on my Gender Dysphoria. I've been attending group therapy both online and in person for a few months now. During my last DIY transition attempt, I came to accept myself with a lot of help from a support group and in person friends I've met along the way. This led me to meet with a transgender specialist. I have been professionally diagnosed and the relief from getting this diagnosis is profound. I am now on prescription medication to monitor and aid in transition the safe and correct way.

I'm sure you have questions, and concerns. I'm here and will answer the best I can. I can't guarantee it won't be emotional. You are the one person I so desperately want and need support.

PS. I've broken down crying many times in writing this letter.

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 11, 2017, 09:40:28 PM
Today was a brutal emotional day.  I spent my commute, both ways  and lunch hour writing the letter for my sister.  I was nearly crying the whole time and not hiding it well.  A coworker even came in to tell me to "hang in there'.  I'm still almost crying, but I think it's a good enough draft to get opinions.  Let me know what you think?  Maybe how to change to make it better?

    Sorry you had such a rough day. Revealing ourselves to those we care about most carries with it the most pain and anxiety.

    As to your letter, I think they are both fairly perfect, except for a few grammatical errors and areas that the semantics could be improved. But if those don't bother you, keep them as is. Good Job. Stay Safe and Strong.

    PS. There is no way you're that old. You don't even look 40, let alone over it.

HUGS!

I like it.  Like JennyBear pointed out there are a few minor grammatical issues but this isn't a writing class assignment.  I wouldn't sweat that part too much.  It definitely gets your points across.

Quote from: JennyBear on October 11, 2017, 09:50:37 PM
    Sorry you had such a rough day. Revealing ourselves to those we care about most carries with it the most pain and anxiety.

    As to your letter, I think they are both fairly perfect, except for a few grammatical errors and areas that the semantics could be improved. But if those don't bother you, keep them as is. Good Job. Stay Safe and Strong.

    PS. There is no way you're that old. You don't even look 40, let alone over it.

HUGS!

Thanks for the tips.  I'll hunt those grammar and semantics problems.

Your under 40 comment gave me my only smile I've had today.  Keep in mind that's my faceapp pict from a cherry picked picture of myself.  I'm 47 and look it really.  Here's the before/after from face app.  If I end up close to my Avatar I will be a happy girl indeed.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/tt6qf6wyidzk06w/1x1208.gif?dl=0

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 11, 2017, 10:00:57 PM
Your under 40 comment gave me my only smile I've had today.  Keep in mind that's my faceapp pict from a cherry picked picture of myself.  I'm 47 and look it really.  Here's the before/after from face app.  If I end up close to my Avatar I will be a happy girl indeed.
https://www.dropbox.com/s/tt6qf6wyidzk06w/1x1208.gif?dl=0

    Saw the before and after, I still wouldn't have said any older than early 40's, maybe 42. Then again, I get told frequently there's no way I'm 37 as well. Glad I could give you a smile and some constructive criticism.

HUGS!

I'm sorry you've had a tough day,  these times are emotional,  but that is plain to read in your letter,  which is good, it's from the heart.
Being Transgender can mean alot of different things these days, I did not see in your letter if you actually state what you plan to do, ie live full time as a woman. If you don't know yet though that's fine [emoji5].
If your sister has you heart, I reckon you'll be fine. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Thanks Megan and Jenny, and Colleen  I'm probably going to do another draft.  I just reread it, maybe I'm desensitized now, but it reads as clinical to me.  I don't read any pain into it, and I want her to have empathy from it.  I'm probably stressing over this too much since she's my best friend and sister.

Oh, and Megan, I plan to live as Bari Jo, female.  I'll add some lines to that effect.  Even dressing in drab, I want to be perceived as female.

Looking toward a less emotional tomorrow nonetheless.

Bari Jo