Hi to the newer members or infrequent posters on Susan's. I am curious about those folks who come here seeking information or help, but might be scared about posting. I am wondering if it is intimidating. Is there fear of not being taken seriously? Personally, I enjoy seeing those would might start out scared, post, and then grow in confidence. So maybe I could offer a preemptive welcome and possibly coax someone out of the shadows to help inform this old fogey poster. I promise not to act like a transgender vampire and try to bite you.
Moni

I was definitely scared when posting in the beginning.  I hadn't talked to anybody about this stuff.  Once I did a few, the fear evaporated and I learned how special this site is.  You ladies are jewels:)

I think making an account and talking about it, even to a a group of strangers that can't see your face, makes it more real. If people are having doubts about their gender identity but are still on denial that can be hard.

I'm pretty sure that in the past years I made at least 2 attempts to be on the forum. I would create an account, then post and then delete it and completely forget about it. All of this at the same time as trying to forget the whole trans thing in real life.

We have doughnuts! 

Hugs, Devlyn

Ok hi. I'm new here. I've struggled with this my whole life. I'm 40 in a relationship with someone who I told when I first met a year and a half ago I was a cross dresser she asked if I'd ever transition I lied out of fear and said no. Well fast forward to two weeks ago I was honest and told her I always wanted to be a woman but being a Christian I always felt ashamed of my secret life. She was devastated threatened suicide. Well she checked into a emotional support facility. Since then I explained to my whole family mom Dad stepmother stepfather and sisters why she went in because of who I really am. Im trying to be wise and seek a gender therapist and not let my work know yet. I don't know how this will all turn out but I'm glad I'm being honest and not in denial anymore.


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Quote from: sweetjohnnylat on October 12, 2017, 08:50:52 PM
Ok hi. I'm new here. I've struggled with this my whole life. I'm 40 in a relationship with someone who I told when I first met a year and a half ago I was a cross dresser she asked if I'd ever transition I lied out of fear and said no. Well fast forward to two weeks ago I was honest and told her I always wanted to be a woman but being a Christian I always felt ashamed of my secret life. She was devastated threatened suicide. Well she checked into a emotional support facility. Since then I explained to my whole family mom Dad stepmother stepfather and sisters why she went in because of who I really am. Im trying to be wise and seek a gender therapist and not let my work know yet. I don't know how this will all turn out but I'm glad I'm being honest and not in denial anymore.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi sweetjohnnylat

Welcome to Susan's I am glad that you found the courage to post.

Telling your wife must have been a very difficult thing for you to do. Her reaction must be making things very stressful for you and I hope you have found someone you can talk to about this stuff. Lets hope with some time and understanding. I think your idea to seek a gender therapist is an excellent one. Many of our newer members introduce themselves in our Introduction Forum. Feel free to drop by.

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I'm newish and lurked a long time before posting.

Mainly because Susan's has an older crowd than most of the local LGBT organizations and other websites I'm involved with. And this means the terminology that gets used here is pretty different than what I'm used to. I didn't want to unintentionally offend anyone by screwing my wording up.

Quote from: widdershins on October 12, 2017, 09:11:10 PM
I'm newish and lurked a long time before posting.

Mainly because Susan's has an older crowd than most of the local LGBT organizations and other websites I'm involved with. And this means the terminology that gets used here is pretty different than what I'm used to. I didn't want to unintentionally offend anyone by screwing my wording up.

Actually, there is quite a number of young members here. For that reason, I do my best to avoid making any remarks aimed at millenials. I'm pretty sure the young members try to avoid insulting the older members here as well. We can help each their out much better, that way.

Quote from: widdershins on October 12, 2017, 09:11:10 PM
I'm newish and lurked a long time before posting.

Mainly because Susan's has an older crowd than most of the local LGBT organizations and other websites I'm involved with. And this means the terminology that gets used here is pretty different than what I'm used to. I didn't want to unintentionally offend anyone by screwing my wording up.

What other website or forum about trans issues do you go to? Out of curiosity since I only know Susan's.

As a SO I don't post very often as I feel that unless I am 100% supportive of my partner transitioning, I'm seen as the 'enemy' somewhat. I do read every day, to try and find out stuff, but I find a lot of things extremely frightening. I think a lot of members here are not very supportive of SOs, it seems we just have to accept that our lives are going to be turned upside down, so our partners can be 'authentic', never mind that we are generally being forced to either divorce, or live 'non-authentic' (being a lesbian lover to a mtf  isn't authentic to me). Seems there are no winners here.
There are times I want to post to ask questions about things like hormone treatment, sex, kids etc but maybe I am scared that the replies will be what I don't want to hear.
So, that is why I'm afraid to post here. It's not really the right forum for me, although, as I said, I learn a lot from reading.

Quote from: sweetjohnnylat on October 12, 2017, 08:50:52 PM
Ok hi. I'm new here. I've struggled with this my whole life. I'm 40 in a relationship with someone who I told when I first met a year and a half ago I was a cross dresser she asked if I'd ever transition I lied out of fear and said no. Well fast forward to two weeks ago I was honest and told her I always wanted to be a woman but being a Christian I always felt ashamed of my secret life. She was devastated threatened suicide. Well she checked into a emotional support facility. Since then I explained to my whole family mom Dad stepmother stepfather and sisters why she went in because of who I really am. Im trying to be wise and seek a gender therapist and not let my work know yet. I don't know how this will all turn out but I'm glad I'm being honest and not in denial anymore.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you for opening up. I have talked to a few on here whose religion was something they had a struggle with. Well, how being on the transgender spectrum fit in with their religion that is. I hope you will stay around and add your wisdom to the group. I wish you luck with your personal journey as well.
Moni

Quote from: Sylvia on October 13, 2017, 04:02:17 AM
As a SO I don't post very often as I feel that unless I am 100% supportive of my partner transitioning, I'm seen as the 'enemy' somewhat. I do read every day, to try and find out stuff, but I find a lot of things extremely frightening. I think a lot of members here are not very supportive of SOs, it seems we just have to accept that our lives are going to be turned upside down, so our partners can be 'authentic', never mind that we are generally being forced to either divorce, or live 'non-authentic' (being a lesbian lover to a mtf  isn't authentic to me). Seems there are no winners here.
There are times I want to post to ask questions about things like hormone treatment, sex, kids etc but maybe I am scared that the replies will be what I don't want to hear.
So, that is why I'm afraid to post here. It's not really the right forum for me, although, as I said, I learn a lot from reading.

Hi Sylvia,

Thank you for taking the time to try and learn more about what your partner is going through. And I'm really sorry if you have gotten the impression that people here are not supportive of SOs; I think a lot of times most of us put others' needs before ours ("I'm not transitioning because of my family/work/friends etc") so by the time we are just so tired of pretending and/or dealing with the dysphoria, we just need to do it and deal with the consequences. So I think this is where the attitude of some of the transitioners come from regarding their partner, it's not about not being supportive of the other, it's about finally being able to put one's needs first. Most of the times we have also dealt with the dysphoria for years, even decades, so I understand why it can be hard for an SO to understand when this is something that just fell in their lap and they didn't get the same time to process it as we did.

It's a tough situation and I don't think anyone involved wanted it happening...Certainly most of us would prefer to be cisgender and not having to deal with this, as well as not putting anyone around us through this.

In any case, I hope things work out between you and your partner. I've certainly seen many people here say they continued with their partner after transition, so if there's love and respect, it can happen. And even if you don't post often, I hope to see you around.

Hugs!

Quote from: Sylvia on October 13, 2017, 04:02:17 AM
As a SO I don't post very often as I feel that unless I am 100% supportive of my partner transitioning, I'm seen as the 'enemy' somewhat. I do read every day, to try and find out stuff, but I find a lot of things extremely frightening. I think a lot of members here are not very supportive of SOs, it seems we just have to accept that our lives are going to be turned upside down, so our partners can be 'authentic', never mind that we are generally being forced to either divorce, or live 'non-authentic' (being a lesbian lover to a mtf  isn't authentic to me). Seems there are no winners here.
There are times I want to post to ask questions about things like hormone treatment, sex, kids etc but maybe I am scared that the replies will be what I don't want to hear.
So, that is why I'm afraid to post here. It's not really the right forum for me, although, as I said, I learn a lot from reading.

Hi Sylvia, welcome.  Ive often wondered if any significant others are on the boards.  I commend you for reading and learning.  Believe me it's frightening for us non attached tg ladies too.  I hope to see posts from you as your insight could be valuable.

I am newish and young; I feel comfortable sharing though, it is just that there is so much information here to learn and digest so I am trying to read more than post at this stage..
Also have this question about "what other website or forum about trans issues do you go to? Out of curiosity since I only know Susan's."
Also - out of curiosity

Quote from: HappyMoni on October 12, 2017, 07:38:57 PM
Hi to the newer members or infrequent posters on Susan's. I am curious about those folks who come here seeking information or help, but might be scared about posting. I am wondering if it is intimidating. Is there fear of not being taken seriously? Personally, I enjoy seeing those would might start out scared, post, and then grow in confidence. So maybe I could offer a preemptive welcome and possibly coax someone out of the shadows to help inform this old fogey poster. I promise not to act like a transgender vampire and try to bite you.
Moni

I don't think it's the site that's intimidating but the more abstract concept of accepting that one is TG.  Many of us have been in denial, possibly as in my case believing that we had a 'dirty little secret' and it's a big step to decide to confront it rather than push it to the back of one's mind.  In addition, of course, there's still a strong element of suspicion, particularly amongst older people (i.e. the over 40s or thereabouts), that we can be traced from our posts, either through some dark virus lurking on our PCs or by friends or family members coming across our posts and realising that 'Davinia' who's always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body and is one step away from transition is, in fact, Dave, their manly husband and father (this, of course, begs the question as to what the friend/family member is doing on TG forums but let's not intrude!).  I would also add the guilty feelings that one is betraying their SO by posting on the site in secret and behind their back.  I have gone through all of these emotions and it was only when things got too much that I started posting.

I have to say that, since reaching out to others in this community, I have gained a far greater understanding of myself and the causes of my feelings for which I will be eternally grateful.  In addition, I have learned that the feelings I struggle with to a greater or lesser degree on a daily basis, whilst not being 'normal' in a general sense, are completely normal as far as this community is concerned and knowing that others have similar struggles has been a great help in managing my own life.

My message to anyone wondering whether to post is to do it - you can be as anonymous as you want and there are any number of people here more than willing to help you.

Quote from: Sylvia on October 13, 2017, 04:02:17 AM
As a SO I don't post very often as I feel that unless I am 100% supportive of my partner transitioning, I'm seen as the 'enemy' somewhat. I do read every day, to try and find out stuff, but I find a lot of things extremely frightening. I think a lot of members here are not very supportive of SOs, it seems we just have to accept that our lives are going to be turned upside down, so our partners can be 'authentic', never mind that we are generally being forced to either divorce, or live 'non-authentic' (being a lesbian lover to a mtf  isn't authentic to me). Seems there are no winners here.
There are times I want to post to ask questions about things like hormone treatment, sex, kids etc but maybe I am scared that the replies will be what I don't want to hear.
So, that is why I'm afraid to post here. It's not really the right forum for me, although, as I said, I learn a lot from reading.

Sylvia, I think your point is very well made.  I've also noticed that when wives come onto this site to ask for help coping with their husband's revelation that they want to transition, there is a tendency for the respondent to refer to the husband as 'she' - 'politically correct', of course but it's hardly going to help the poor wife who is already emotionally falling apart.

In the end, whether we like it or not, those of us who are married have presented ourselves in a certain way to our spouses and, whilst on the one hand, we have every right to live our life as we want, on the other it is unfair to expect our SOs to fall in line with this and say nothing.  For me, the reaction of my spouse when I confessed to crossdressing in secret after over 20 years of marriage has played a big part in me deciding to live with, and try to cope with, the GD rather than taking experimental steps to transition.

Ultimately, I believe that this community has so much to offer the entire TG community especially including SOs but it's important for us to remember that the right answer for ourself isn't necessary the right answer for someone else.

Quote from: aaajjj55 on October 13, 2017, 05:28:22 AM
I don't think it's the site that's intimidating but the more abstract concept of accepting that one is TG.  Many of us have been in denial, possibly as in my case believing that we had a 'dirty little secret' and it's a big step to decide to confront it rather than push it to the back of one's mind.  In addition, of course, there's still a strong element of suspicion, particularly amongst older people (i.e. the over 40s or thereabouts), that we can be traced from our posts, either through some dark virus lurking on our PCs or by friends or family members coming across our posts and realising that 'Davinia' who's always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body and is one step away from transition is, in fact, Dave, their manly husband and father (this, of course, begs the question as to what the friend/family member is doing on TG forums but let's not intrude!).  I would also add the guilty feelings that one is betraying their SO by posting on the site in secret and behind their back.  I have gone through all of these emotions and it was only when things got too much that I started posting.

I have to say that, since reaching out to others in this community, I have gained a far greater understanding of myself and the causes of my feelings for which I will be eternally grateful.  In addition, I have learned that the feelings I struggle with to a greater or lesser degree on a daily basis, whilst not being 'normal' in a general sense, are completely normal as far as this community is concerned and knowing that others have similar struggles has been a great help in managing my own life.

My message to anyone wondering whether to post is to do it - you can be as anonymous as you want and there are any number of people here more than willing to help you.



Sylvia, I think your point is very well made.  I've also noticed that when wives come onto this site to ask for help coping with their husband's revelation that they want to transition, there is a tendency for the respondent to refer to the husband as 'she' - 'politically correct', of course but it's hardly going to help the poor wife who is already emotionally falling apart.

In the end, whether we like it or not, those of us who are married have presented ourselves in a certain way to our spouses and, whilst on the one hand, we have every right to live our life as we want, on the other it is unfair to expect our SOs to fall in line with this and say nothing.  For me, the reaction of my spouse when I confessed to crossdressing in secret after over 20 years of marriage has played a big part in me deciding to live with, and try to cope with, the GD rather than taking experimental steps to transition.

Ultimately, I believe that this community has so much to offer the entire TG community especially including SOs but it's important for us to remember that the right answer for ourself isn't necessary the right answer for someone else.

Yes, in my initial post, my OH was referred to as 'she' and that upset me, not least in the fact that he doesn't want to be referred to as she, or have a femme name. And yes, he also doesn't want to transition - he never even considered surgery - as he feels our relationship means much more to him than that. He, like you, is dealing with his feelings in other ways (underdressing/subtle make up etc, which I am ok with). Unfortunately when I say things like that on here, many people, I feel, are nodding sagely and thinking 'oh yes, I went through that stage and thought I was happy with it but....etc etc.'  Which is valid. but it scares me.

Syl

Well, it's the internet.  I'm sure there are more than a few that are concerned about somehow being tracked from being on this site.  Call it paranoia but it's good to want to be safe.  I'm one of those.  I'm not out in public or at work yet so I tend to be more than cautious about my postings.  I even go as far to change my manner of speaking here.  I rephrase things differently here from other places I post at.  I'm not in one of the best states to transition in, Texas, so I try to limit what I do here just for a bit longer.  Once everything is out in the open than things change on here for me.

Just something else to consider.

That's a good question, and I suppose everyone has their own reasons. But speaking as someone who was (and still is) a little hesitant and nervous about posting, I think my main issue is feeling like I don't deserve/haven't earned the right to be here. I hate the idea of being where I'm not wanted and being a nuisance to others, but the feeling never really goes away.
I especially don't want to be the person who only speaks up to ask for help from others without giving back to the community, but at the same time there isn't really anything useful I can contribute yet. I wonder if anyone else feels similarly?

Moni, rhetorical question?

Quote from: Sylvia on October 13, 2017, 05:50:10 AM
Unfortunately when I say things like that on here, many people, I feel, are nodding sagely and thinking 'oh yes, I went through that stage and thought I was happy with it but....etc etc.'  Which is valid. but it scares me.

Syl

Sylvia, not so much on your thread rather for instance posts where people say they've been trans for decades, decided last month they're going to will it away and live as birth gender. Sure I think to myself "tell me a year from now how that worked out, tell me how it is in 20"

Simple truth is we all have to find our individual way to our best possible selves. My GF more or less pressured me not to transition whenever I mentioned the possibility and when I realized I no longer had a choice she had to decide whether I or my penis was more important to her. She still has a negative reaction to the word lesbian and I have to say I'm not wild about the extent to which that feels like homophobia -- we've been living together as two women for 19 years and in fact sexuality post op seems to be working out just fine so to me if it looks walks and quacks like a lesbian then I'm not sure why you'd call it a duck?

Quote from: SadieBlake on October 13, 2017, 07:41:24 AM
She still has a negative reaction to the word lesbian and I have to say I'm not wild about the extent to which that feels like homophobia -- we've been living together as two women for 19 years and in fact sexuality post op seems to be working out just fine so to me if it looks walks and quacks like a lesbian then I'm not sure why you'd call it a duck?

Sadie, just to play devil's advocate, many TG people spent their whole like walking and quacking like their assigned at birth gender, but we do not call them that. Many SO's, out of love for their spouses, "try on" lesbian the best they can and try to fake it til they make it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And even if deep down, they are pan or bi, if they never identified that way, it is quite a leap to get there. Yeah, 19 years is a long time for your GF to hold onto her hetero identity, but I daresay it is unusual in this crowd or anywhere to spend that long letting go of an identity.