Just a little update on how things are going for me...
Well, it turns out things aren't going quite how I'd hoped. A few weeks ago my therapist told me he was going to set me up to see someone who was more of an expert in the LGBTQ field, who could be more helpful on the subject of gender identity. It was something I was really looking forward to. But to make a long story short, I got my hopes up for nothing. I don't want to seem bitter. We can only work with the resources we have. But after looking forward to finally making some progress, I can't pretend I'm not frustrated. Am I being impatient? Probably. It's just that I've been sitting on this for so long, for my whole life, and it finally felt like I could start
doing something. The dam is broken. I'm not a person who can take these sorts of things with baby steps. My natural inclination is to do so, but that's exactly why I can't. If I give myself the opportunity, if I give myself an out, I'll keep making excuses forever to chicken out and avoid confronting things. I need that momentum. I need to trap myself with no way to go but forward. I know myself well enough to recognize that it's the only way I've ever been able to make positive changes in my life. If I don't take action now, I know I'll just find a way to go back to pretending everything is okay, because that's always the easiest thing to do (until I can't anymore).
Anyway, that all sounds pretty negative, but frustration has a way of motivating you sometimes, too. I don't have any ill will towards my therapist, but if I'm honest, I have to admit that I just don't think he's super invested. That just means I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands and look elsewhere. I guess my next move is to look for a gender therapist in the area. Or maybe over the internet? Online therapists are a thing, right? That sounds like something I could get into. (Is there a resource for gender therapists by region somewhere on this site?) I've been reflecting over the past couple of weeks, and though I still have a lot of questions, I've been losing some of the fear. Without as much fear, I've been able to be a lot more honest with myself about a lot of things. My family is very tightly knit, and I'm not used to keeping things from them. When I was lying to myself, it wasn't a problem to lie to them, but now it's getting to be a heavier and heavier burden. At the same time, though, I just can't imagine coming out and potentially compromising my relationship with the most important people in my life. Well, one way or the other, something's gotta give.
I ordered myself some clothes online to treat myself. Why not? I'm trans, dammit. I'm not happy about it, but I'm happy to be able to admit it to myself, because it's been a struggle just to get that far. Pretty lame, I guess, but I'm feelin' more defiant lately anyway.
