Quote from: gallinarosa on October 13, 2017, 08:46:44 AM


Sadie, just to play devil's advocate, many TG people spent their whole like walking and quacking like their assigned at birth gender, but we do not call them that. Many SO's, out of love for their spouses, "try on" lesbian the best they can and try to fake it til they make it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And even if deep down, they are pan or bi, if they never identified that way, it is quite a leap to get there. Yeah, 19 years is a long time for your GF to hold onto her hetero identity, but I daresay it is unusual in this crowd or anywhere to spend that long letting go of an identity.

Devyl's advocate. Spell it right! 

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Sylvia on October 13, 2017, 04:02:17 AM
It's not really the right forum for me, although, as I said, I learn a lot from reading.

I agree that for SO's this is a wonderful place for information. But you can get that without posting or commenting.

But it is not really the right space for support for us. When people look for support, they usually either look for a bunch of people in the same boat so that you don't feel alone and you can commiserate (this place does not have a lot of SO's), or someone close to you who will always be there for you like a close friend or family member (we are all strangers), or a completely non-biased person who has no skin in the game like a therapist (everyone comes here carrying a lot of baggage which gives them some kind of agenda).

Still, I like it here. There are some great people here and good information.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 13, 2017, 08:54:49 AM
Devyl's advocate. Spell it right! 

Hugs, Devlyn

I am kind of a stickler for spelling and grammar, so you just sent me into a cold sweat thinking I had posted a spelling error, LOL!

(Now you know the real reason I don't post much, the anxiety of possibly posting a typo!)

Sorry! 

We do our best to provide SO's with what they need here, and we do ask people to respect that for the SO their world may be crashing down around them and they're looking for answers and help. Not lectures about pronouns. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Sylvia on October 13, 2017, 05:50:10 AM
Yes, in my initial post, my OH was referred to as 'she' and that upset me, not least in the fact that he doesn't want to be referred to as she, or have a femme name. And yes, he also doesn't want to transition - he never even considered surgery - as he feels our relationship means much more to him than that. He, like you, is dealing with his feelings in other ways (underdressing/subtle make up etc, which I am ok with). Unfortunately when I say things like that on here, many people, I feel, are nodding sagely and thinking 'oh yes, I went through that stage and thought I was happy with it but....etc etc.'  Which is valid. but it scares me.

Syl

I've felt much the same way about this, albeit from the other side of the marital fence so to speak.  With medical advances, particularly facial feminisation, and the increasing social acceptance of trans people (increasingly enshrined in anti-discrimination law) transition has become a much more viable option and there are a number of members of this forum who have undergone spectacular transitions which are inspirational to those of us struggling with GD.

However, I do not believe that GD is a new phenomenon and, if we go back 50 years, we would face a very different scenario.  Any attempt to transition would undoubtedly have resulted in social exclusion, gossip, newspaper headlines screaming 'sex change' and so on.  Therefore the majority just had to live with it, perhaps with a bit of crossdressing here and there.  The point here is that just because there is now another viable option doesn't automatically mean that it's the only viable option.  Agreed, trying to live with gradually intesifying GD isn't going to be easy but, having read the posts of transitioners, it's quite apparent that transitioning is no walk in the park either, particularly when its result is the implosion of family life and, for some of us, that's just too big a price to pay.

I was afraid everyone would hate me. That's less so than the fact that I let my doubts about my own gender play a big role in not posting here at first and just lurking.

Mostly though, I was really scared I would screw up and say things and someone would find these posts and my life will explode because they would know me from my male life and expose me.

Quote from: Custard Squirrel on October 13, 2017, 06:45:01 AM
That's a good question, and I suppose everyone has their own reasons. But speaking as someone who was (and still is) a little hesitant and nervous about posting, I think my main issue is feeling like I don't deserve/haven't earned the right to be here. I hate the idea of being where I'm not wanted and being a nuisance to others, but the feeling never really goes away.
I especially don't want to be the person who only speaks up to ask for help from others without giving back to the community, but at the same time there isn't really anything useful I can contribute yet. I wonder if anyone else feels similarly?

Despite being a bit prolific in posting since joining, I feel the same way a lot of the time.

What really bothers me is to read threads where people are looking for advice and comfort, but the subjects are so far beyond my expertise that I don't know where to begin. Particularly when they don't seem to be getting any replies. I'll start to post something but then just close the window, thinking "No, you aren't qualified... they don't want to hear from someone so early on, they need someone with experience...", etc. etc.

But I've also figured out that a lot of people were that same way at this point in their lives! I started making it a habit to find long term members and frequent posters and go back and read their own introductions and early posts from years ago. What I found was that by and large, they were in the same position. Questions and uncertainty galore. People start by asking how to purchase clothing for the first time, or desperately looking for answers about their identity, and so forth... but 10 years down the line, they've long since "completed" (relatively at least) transition, are married, and seemingly happy or whatever the case maybe experienced and ready to pass their knowledge on.

In other words, ask away. Learn what you can so that in a few years time, you and I can maybe be the ones with the advice to give those just trying to figure things out!

I'm sort of an infrequent poster, I mean 190 posts in a year is not too bad   On other forums, I have easily done 190 in a couple of months.  I don't post frequently here, because there is only so much I can say regarding gender.  I should post more to other threads regarding other things though.

When it comes down to me being transsexual, the discussion can get pretty dark and I don't like feeling that I am bringing other people down.  I have a lot of baggage that I need to sort through, and have thought very deeply about this issue for a while now, if I were to lay it all out I am afraid my posts could bring others down to my level.  Usually when I do post here, it is after I have had a few shots of alcohol and am not being as cautious with what I say.

Then there is the fact, that I am living as my gender at birth.  It really feels hypocritical of me to talk about TS stuff when I don't have the experience outside of my own feelings.  I have never gone out dressed as a woman, only a few people know that I am TS in real life, and every time I write something here it is pretty superficial.  I can only say so much about my feelings of wanting to be a woman, and as stated earlier it gets pretty depressing.

Okay, I want my donuts now

OK, but I ate all the powdered sugar ones. <brushing off crumbs> 

Hugs, Devlyn

That is okay, I'm on a diet

*nom nom nom*

It's good that this forum exists. How one uses it is up to one I don't think anyone without an interest in the subject would bother reading any of the posts. Relax.



Paula, X.

( Dyslexia never sleeps  )

Quote from: sweetjohnnylat on October 12, 2017, 08:50:52 PM
Ok hi. I'm new here. I've struggled with this my whole life. I'm 40 in a relationship with someone who I told when I first met a year and a half ago I was a cross dresser she asked if I'd ever transition I lied out of fear and said no. Well fast forward to two weeks ago I was honest and told her I always wanted to be a woman but being a Christian I always felt ashamed of my secret life. She was devastated threatened suicide. Well she checked into a emotional support facility. Since then I explained to my whole family mom Dad stepmother stepfather and sisters why she went in because of who I really am. Im trying to be wise and seek a gender therapist and not let my work know yet. I don't know how this will all turn out but I'm glad I'm being honest and not in denial anymore.

These kind of posts are the absolute best, in my opinion.  Not because life is going smoothly, but because it isn't.  It's raw, open, vulnerable and honest.  I hope you update us over time or join in the active conversation.  Whatever you do, try to remember to look at this post in a few years.  No matter what direction you go, clarity grows over time.

I started a blog in 2014.  I had already been "out" for 5 years or more, and thought I was at a destination point.  I wrote it mostly to think out loud and to take control of the rumor mill at work.  I find it really interesting now in retrospect to look back and see what stuck with me and what didn't.

Quote from: paula lesley on October 13, 2017, 11:21:59 AM
It's good that this forum exists. How one uses it is up to one I don't think anyone without an interest in the subject would bother reading any of the posts.

I beg to differ, or at least to clarify that society in general is CRAZY interested in LGBTQI people right now, whatever opinions they might currently hold.

It feels like my own cross to bear, so I rarely reach out for support unless I have specific questions. The life stories and perspectives of other trans* folk can be very informative and comforting to me, so for the most part that's what I look/lurk for on Susan's. I know this isn't a good attitude to take, but I sort of chalk this up to male socialization; I should have the balls to accept burden, no?

All the better that I'd want to get rid of 'em, aheh.

Quote from: gallinarosa on October 13, 2017, 08:46:44 AM
Sadie, just to play devil's advocate, many TG people spent their whole like walking and quacking like their assigned at birth gender, but we do not call them that. Many SO's, out of love for their spouses, "try on" lesbian the best they can and try to fake it til they make it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And even if deep down, they are pan or bi, if they never identified that way, it is quite a leap to get there. Yeah, 19 years is a long time for your GF to hold onto her hetero identity, but I daresay it is unusual in this crowd or anywhere to spend that long letting go of an identity.

Indeed.

To be sure, I enabled her seeing us as straight. While any time we would talk about relationship she would volunteer that she likes that I'm not a typical guy. However - and I take this as a usually feminine trait -- I'm very much a pleaser. I played the role of male-endowed sex partner and willingly gave her things that she wanted. I'm also a very practical person. As a penis-endowed lesbian, I used what I had to work with and don't regret it a bit. It was my evolving sexuality that largely drove me to transition. As I got closer to what I wanted (less penis / orgasm driven sex, multiple orgasms when they did happen etc) my dysphoria became progressively worse.

When I got to the point of realizing I had to transition and that she wasn't going to be happy about that, I went through a (thankfully brief) period of faking orgasm and pleasure and sometimes crying after sex that I'd barely been able to keep it together to 'finish' convincingly.

Identity came up with us the other day and I reminded her that she self identifies as sapeo-sexual and she agreed, that's why we're continuing to get on. I don't much mind the extent that I find her hetero-normative and honestly that's what I see when she's *thinking* about stuff. I've also seen her respond erotically women in completely spontaneous sexual situations.

most of which is beside the point here anyway

Quote from: gallinarosa
it is not really the right space for support for us. When people look for support, they usually either look for a bunch of people in the same boat so that you don't feel alone and you can commiserate (this place does not have a lot of SO's), or someone close to you who will always be there for you like a close friend or family member (we are all strangers), or a completely non-biased person who has no skin in the game like a therapist (everyone comes here carrying a lot of baggage which gives them some kind of agenda).

Still, I like it here. There are some great people here and good information.

Agreed, I've never visited an SO site, the second-hand reports have been about very angry spouses. Now that's fine, anger can be honored and probably shouldn't be denied however whether trans or SO folks come here bemoaning how terribly they have it, I honestly first think about first-world problems and second how little usually gets accomplished in US vs THEM conversations.

I completely get that change sucks however I also know that when my ex changed (wanting sex with another guy) and wanted out of marriage, blaming her for changing really never occurred to me. I'm honestly glad I hadn't figured out I was trans then, she managed to be hurtful enough back then. I told her I was hurt that she'd gone from 14 years of accusing me of infidelities that in fact never happened to wanting to cheat but that if that's what she needed, I could accept it. The irony was that that made her even angrier - the fact that I don't tend to be a jealous person to her meant I didn't love her.

whatever, I have to go now in any case. I do encoursge SOs on susans to hear and learn as you've said you have. I'm also under no illusions as to the fact of transitioning people presenting their spouses with stuff a partner ought not to. However I think it's easier to lose sight of the person when you think of them as a label, we're all just people, hopefully trying to be better versions of ourselves.

I find myself posting less and less except to pass on advice. I've been here going on 4 years and most of what bothers me I've posted about before. Many of the other posts in this thread resonate with me.

I don't like to post "me too" for serious topics. I don't want people to say, even in their heads, "she's always complaining about this, when will she do something?" When I'm really down on myself I feel unworthy of people's attention. I also don't like to post when I don't have anything useful to contribute. On the picture threads there are so many gorgeous women that I mostly don't post because I don't think I measure up.

Lots of reasons NOT to post.

One good one to post: what you have to say might be just what someone else needs to hear.

:

April 22, 2015, the day of my first face to face pass in gender neutral clothes and no makeup. It may be months to the next one, but I'm good with that!

Being transgender is just a phase. It hardly ever starts before conception and always ends promptly at death.

They say the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. I say, climb aboard!

Think outside the voice box!

SO's are equally welcome and supported. If you ever feel that isn't the case or something has occurred that isn't supportive of SO's too please let us know so we can take care of the situation. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Sylvia on October 13, 2017, 04:02:17 AM
As a SO I don't post very often as I feel that unless I am 100% supportive of my partner transitioning, I'm seen as the 'enemy' somewhat. I do read every day, to try and find out stuff, but I find a lot of things extremely frightening. I think a lot of members here are not very supportive of SOs, it seems we just have to accept that our lives are going to be turned upside down, so our partners can be 'authentic', never mind that we are generally being forced to either divorce, or live 'non-authentic' (being a lesbian lover to a mtf  isn't authentic to me). Seems there are no winners here.
There are times I want to post to ask questions about things like hormone treatment, sex, kids etc but maybe I am scared that the replies will be what I don't want to hear.
So, that is why I'm afraid to post here. It's not really the right forum for me, although, as I said, I learn a lot from reading.

Think all we have left is coffee.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 13, 2017, 11:15:51 AM
OK, but I ate all the powdered sugar ones. <brushing off crumbs> 

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: usedtobejustin on October 13, 2017, 04:52:06 AM
I am newish and young; I feel comfortable sharing though, it is just that there is so much information here to learn and digest so I am trying to read more than post at this stage..
Also have this question about "what other website or forum about trans issues do you go to? Out of curiosity since I only know Susan's."
Also - out of curiosity

I posted for a while at crossdressers.com for a while before coming here, they have a TS section.  The posters there are a bit more blunt than our crowd.  Their sections on fashion and beauty might be a bit more detailed than ours, what with crossdressing being more common.  Of course a lot of that might involve the best brand of 6" stilletto pumps etc. so...

There are other sites too, Google 'trans forum' or the like.  Susan's seems really great though, the people here couldn't be more supportive, and there's a ton of info of a more technical nature, which is what I'm primarily interested in.  Susan's is about the top ranked in a search too, thus most prolific.

Another reason I don't post a ton is that I'm a slow reader, and also a chronic proofreader, I agonize over every word, not wanting to rub someone the wrong way.  I'm much more relaxed in person.

Quote from: Dee Marshall on October 13, 2017, 12:56:45 PM
I don't like to post "me too" for serious topics. I don't want people to say, even in their heads, "she's always complaining about this, when will she do something?"

When you're new the more voices saying me too means so much. I never read posts here and think anything disparaging. I'm glad you more experienced people have stuck around. It really means a lot. We all stand on each others shoulders and theres no way to say thank you sufficiently or enough. Thank You.