Hi Everyone. My chosen name is Rachel, or just Rach, and I'm a 41-year-old male with gender issues. I've wanted to be a female, even if I was hiding it, all of my life, as early as 4 or 5, but never really faced it. I've been married, divorced, and am now, years later, engaged to a wonderful and loving woman. I'm from the Midwest originally, lived in a few parts of the US, but now live in the Seattle area, where there is noticeably less hostility to Trans people than I'm accustomed to, though I do still definitely see it.

I only really recently came to understand what gender dysphoria is, and how it relates to me. It was sort of a "a-ha" moment, when the light went off in my head while reading an article about how depersonalization, related to gender identity, can affect people, and EVERY SINGLE THING described was like reading a biography of my entire life. I have always wanted be, and/or felt like I was supposed to be a female. I've also always been told that this is wrong, that it makes me less of a person, and I just accepted that it wasn't worth looking into. I'm bisexual, so I used that as an excuse to ignore the real issue.

The light really went on only in July this year, and I've since been working on understanding it fully. Thanks to this site, though, I came to understand that I was continuing to hold this in, and keeping it away from the most important person in my life, my fiance. So, I came out to her just this last Saturday, and she is willing to forge ahead with me, and see this through, wherever it takes me. It was a hard conversation, and I know she is really struggling to understand it, but I don't feel so alone about this anymore, and we have a place to start from, together, with honesty.

I have so many things I don't know yet, and have been looking into therapy options to help sort them out, but this site has already given me valuable advice, and I know that it will continue to in the future. Just reading the stories of others, and understanding that I'm not alone here has been very emotional. Unpacking the years of mostly self-imposed repression, negativity, implied (and occasionally real) violence, it's all very overwhelming, but it is also affirming to finally have an answer the that decades-old question that's been directed at me: "What's your deal?"

Thanks for your time, and I look forward to not being alone on this anymore.

Welcome Rach, you aren't alone.  This place is full of support for girls like you and me.  I can't tell you how often this site and it's people have helped.  Also finding a local tg support group is also good.  I recommend that whole heartedly.  Again welcome.  Don't be afraid to post and ask questions, the people here are nice.

Bari Jo

Yaaay! I love it when this happens! You'll be great! 

Quote from: RachClayburn on October 16, 2017, 04:14:26 PM

it is also affirming to finally have an answer the that decades-old question that's been directed at me: "What's your deal?"

Thanks for your time, and I look forward to not being alone on this anymore.

Hiya Rach, welcome to the greatest place on the internet! (Well, besides the original hamsterdance.com, but I shouldn't live in the past.) You've come to the right place to not feel alone. This community, with everything that so many people have dealt with, suffered through, and triumphed over, is truly one of the most affirming and wonderful communities I can imagine.

And figuring out the answer to the question about "what's your deal?" is truly the most amazing feeling, isn't it? Somehow simultaneously terrifying and empowering.

Welcome to Susan's! This is an amazing place to get information or ask for guidance. Reading about the backgrounds of the women here is also what triggered my realization that I am transgender. All the years of denial led to frustration and anger. I have forgotten how many walls I have patched, or apologies I made to my wife and daughters.

I started HRT in March and have finally begun to find peace. I came out to my manager and one co-worker last week. I had never felt such a flood of emotions in my life, it was a truly liberating experience.

A year ago if someone had asked me if I were transgender I would have laughed at them. Six months ago I was frightened at the thought of coming out. Now I look forward to the day I can tell the world and finally let my soul out of the dark place where I had to keep it hidden all of these years.

Hi RachClayburn 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along


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Hugs

V M

Thank you, Everyone, for your welcome. I look forward to learning and talking more with all of you.

Bari Jo, everyone's being nice is exactly why I finally posted, after coming back 50 times, because I was too nervous to say anything. I will definitely be seeking a support group, as well. Thank you, and many hugs to you!

Tommie_9, YAAAS! Thank you, girl! <hugs>

Roll, terrifying and empowering is pretty much the most perfect description. To have this starting point is like a weight off the shoulders. I look forward to the future, and I'm very glad this site is here! Hugs to you! (I'm like the Oprah of hugs, BTW - Everybody gets them!!)

Jessica_Rose, I, too, have patched walls in my life, both literal and metaphoric! Borrowing that imagery, I would say that it feels like a massive wall that hid that scared little girl inside me is being smashed now, and she is finally starting to come alive in this world. I'm glad yours has broke free. Yaay! Wall smashing love hugs for you!!!

V M, I've never heard of the Female Clint Eastwood, but here you are! Thanks for the links! Also, I am feeling very lucky, and now have the song from The Good The Bad and The Ugly in my head, to keep me company while at work. So many hugs for all of that, because that's fantastic!