Hey...

I'm brand new here, so I'll give a little history first.

I've known for as long as I can remember that I was a girl, with all the same usual stories that we all seem to tell here, with the exception being that I pretty much seemed able to bury my dysphoria at around age 12-14,  after multiple really bad bullying incidences, and here I am now.

The dysphoria never really surfaced again, until very recently. (Im 34 now) When a friend threw a crossdressing party. 
I went to the thrift store to try on some dresses for it, and in the change room when I saw myself in a cute dress, out of seemingly nowhere I literally started crying.  (and I'm not a crier in the slightest, like honestly, I never cry, its just not me.  a couple nostalgic moments, one drunk night in a bar,  and Lion King when I was like 11, other than that...never)

I suddenly felt dizzy when I looked up at my face, and was slightly angry that it wasn't pretty to match the dress.  I wanted to vomit almost, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The clearest most immediate thought in my mind was that I had to transition, or at least start looking into it.
Not to mention how good/confident/different I felt at the actual party, in full mode, which just made it worse, by making me realize the trueness of it all.

However... my rational mind started taking over and it told me to make a list. 
If the pros outweigh the cons, you do it.  And if not, leave it be.

Since Im a very rational person, who likes to scientifically break things down, this seemed like a reasonable enough approach. So I made the list, and it came out 7 pros vs 11 cons, and the pros aren't that great in comparison either.

However, now I cant stop thinking about it, and am the most confused I think I have ever been in my life thus far.
Is there anyone here that has successfully just buried dysphoria away??

Like honestly, the first 20 years from 14-34 seemed perfectly fine. Can I ever just return to that state??
Please help!! 

If I were to make an analogy as to what this is currently feeling like inside.......its kinda like

"falling in love with someone new, but then learning they're moving away in a month, leaving you to decide to uproot your life, for this new person, or stay put.  Oh...and theyre also a man, and youve never been gay ever until this, and you would have to tell your parents that as well"   (just an analogy, for the weight of the situation ... Im not into men, only women)

You're right. I know for me it's something that I have to live with. I did the same thing with a pro/con list-for me it was the opposite. I just moved out of my parents on my own since going away to college. I feel that for me personally any of the real "cons" would about how others (including my family) perceive me. I've never been one to care much about what others think of me so this was not really a con for me and more "neutral".

I think knowing that hrt gives me time is good (but then it's not and that's another story) in a way. Lately since thinking back about my "boy mode" I've been ruminating so much about what could/would have been different had I transitioned earlier. That saddens me the most and I know that as unhappy as I have been my whole life and as much denial as I buried, that now for making the decision(s) I make I'm happier for it. For once in my life.

I buried it for 50 years or so. I managed to get married and have kids. I've had a successful career as a lawyer. I wasn't exactly happy most of the time but I realized I had a responsibility to my family. So I stayed in an unhappy marriage and put on a brave face and repressed my true self for everyone else. My kids are all adults and I got divorced 7 years ago. Then at the end of 2014 everything came poring out. I could not repress it any longer and it was like getting hit with a sledgehammer. I sought therapy in February of 2015, started HRT in March, changed my name and gender in May and was living full time as me in June. The world did not come to an end. My employer has been fantastic, my kids are supportive and I have been truly happy these last 2 1/2 years.

So yes I buried, but only for a while. My therapist, who has helped over 1,000 people transition, told me from the beginning that it is not something that goes away but comes back stronger as you age. The only effective cure is transition.

Good luck in working it all out.

Quote from: kayla1618 on October 17, 2017, 02:33:05 AM


Since Im a very rational person, who likes to scientifically break things down, this seemed like a reasonable enough approach. So I made the list, and it came out 7 pros vs 11 cons, and the pros aren't that great in comparison either.

However, now I cant stop thinking about it, and am the most confused I think I have ever been in my life thus far.
Is there anyone here that has successfully just buried dysphoria away??

Like honestly, the first 20 years from 14-34 seemed perfectly fine. Can I ever just return to that state??
Please help!! 

Hi Kayla

We all seem to reach that point in our lives where we ask the question What am I, the answer for each one of us is different. Many of us have different roads to each other but they all seem to bring us to the same point.

I made a pro and con list several times prior to my transition. One of the things I did not count on was how much weight actually went with some of the pros and cons. I was unable to weigh them up side-by-side as some meant more to me than others. Whilst a very common way for many of us to try and make this decision I found it had limited effectiveness

One of the things that helped me greatly was finding a great therapist. I have just finished two years of therapy to help me through the very difficult early stages of transition. My intention on seeing a therapist was to simply work out what was going on in my brain. I had a pretty good idea that I was trans but needed to find out where on the spectrum I lie.

I began my transition over two years ago and my therapist has helped me through some exceptionally difficult time especially when it came to relationships and my own family.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide is right for you

Regards
Liz

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Reason and rationalizing goes out the door, on the topic of transitioning for me. Its all about feeling, how do I feel if I want to continue to transition? Is it more painful to stay a man, or more painful to transition. I use that as a barometer.
I feel way less resentment transitioning than nontransitioning. I think its all a matter of feeling, existentialism topic. What gives life meaning? Is it worth it? Has my life been worth living so far?, why or why not? Its what gives meaning to your life, past, present, and future. I think somebody said, a life not examined, is a life not lived?
Reason and emotions are two polar opposite states of mind, with emotional reasoning being one thing, and rationality being something else.
Now can you go back to feeling nondysphoric? I don't think medical science has advanced far enough to know if it can even be reversed?, at the molecular level, other more urgent diseases and apparent maladies will be put on the front burner, before gender dysphoria, unfortunately. I know the hell it causes some people who transitioned, and others, make do.

Sorry if I'm off topic...

I know it sounds like trite, boiler plate advice, but this is why you need a therapist.

If it were only as difficult of scoring the pro vs. con arguments, highest score wins.  It is not.  Similarly, I doubt by can find a way to revisit a past time.

The solution is not always to pursue full transition.  This is what a therapist will help you work through to a solution.

Steph

  DYsphoria is such an incredibly strange, but powerful thing!  I honestly don't think there is any suppressing it.  Pretty much all of us have gone through very long periods of our lives where we have somewhat succesfully managed.  I say "somewhat" because who knows what kind of actual mental damage we caused ourselves by doing so.  When you suppress your natural self, you put yourself in a state of dishonesty.    When making any huge decision, it is great to find the pros and cons.  You remind me of myself in that way.  I am very scientifically minded, and I analyze things to an extreme.  And I too have done the whole figuring out the pros and cons of transitioning.  And what I personally have determined.......Even though the cons seem to outweigh the pros...Part of that is our mind playing tricks on us and making us overly aware of certain things that might turn out to not actually be cons after all.  But also, when I got on HRT, things happened that I was not even expecting.  It made me feel so good, and so much more myself, that I feel so much more capable in life now than I was before.  I spent my whole life living a lie, and in-authentic to myself, and as such I had super low self confidence.  Feeling almost as if I was actually living someone elses life, but I was dropped into it not knowing who I was or where I was.  Have you ever watched the show Quantum Leap?  Very much like that........but not exactly.  ha ha.  The point is, I spent so much of my life feeling like I wasn't myself, that I felt very shy and things.  But now, dealing with this whole trans issue every day, I have been forced to come out of my comfort zone and just openly talk to people about very uncomfortable things, which together with me being able to be more comfortable and more openly be myself, has led to me realizing that although the cons seemed to outweigh the pros, choosing to move ahead anyway, has proven to have a lot of unforeseen benefits to where now the pros outweigh the cons.

I encourage anyone who is considering transitioning to explore life as a gender-nonconforming member of their birth sex. Sometimes it's all a matter of male socialization scaring the feminine aspects out of us to the point where we think the only way to be feminine is to also be female. Not so! Wear makeup and feminine clothing and dress androgynously as a male and see how you feel. If the feelings of unease regarding your physical body persist, then it may be time to consider medical options. But even if you start HRT, or have surgery, that doesn't necessarily mean you have to have a legal name change or even a change of pronouns. You can still be a man and do all these things for the sake of dysphoria alone. There's no need to uproot yourself and start anew. You have plenty of alternative options to consider.

A thousand reasons in once column doesn't mean a thing if the one in the other column is all that matters.

Reason and Rationality goes right out the door when GD hits.

I've made up tons of Pro/Con Lists. When I didn't like/agree with the results, start adding a "weighting factor". After all.... We want to avoid "Binary", right?  As an analog designer I also like wiggle room. At the end of the day, just one simple question gives you the answer:
"Which Pain is Worse?"

It has been over 8 years now that I first took on the Trans-Beast, for real. Unlike you, it was always there in the background gnawing away, eating away at my life, and my soul, as I tried to beat it down one way or another. Today I still live and present primarily as male. I know IF I really NEEDED to, I would fully transition, and can be somewhat successful, based on the several years of part-timing.

It is a Want, not a NEED. Big difference. I've seen many in my support group come to their first meeting. Total emotional wrecks, lives in big downward spiral thanks to the GD. Only one viable alternative left. I have found ways to mostly "Manage" my particular flavor of GD. I mostly can keep in balance ALL the important aspects of my life that make me, Me. Gender ID is but.... 20% or so of it. My career, my wife, the job I can't believe I get paid to have fun doing, being the Hero Engineer. All are pretty important things that go into making me, Me. I know all too well after loosing most of them.

My wife used to say "No One In Their Right Mind WANTS to be a 50 Year Old Woman" followed by a litany of reasons why. Well, TBH, I am mostly not in my right mind, but I do live in Realville. I struck a delicate balance. Most days are "Good" days. Some are Bad. That balance allows me to maintain the male aspect for both myself and "The Us" (wife and I)

Which Pain is Worse for you?

Thanks for all the answers everybody!  They have really helped.

One of the comments that stuck out to me was this one...

Quote from: JoanneB on October 17, 2017, 07:19:22 PM
My wife used to say "No One In Their Right Mind WANTS to be a 50 Year Old Woman" followed by a litany of reasons why. Well, TBH, I am mostly not in my right mind, but I do live in Realville.

And I noticed it, because its one of my major cons on my list, which I have written as...

"Aging.  Skin is temporary really, so I transition now, at 34.  I get maybe 8-12 good years of 'feeling pretty' and then it all goes to hell anyways, so is it really worth the torment, as I'll probably most definitely need FFS to pass anyways"

I know its a little superficial, because of course there's obviously more to being a women than just 'feeling pretty'. 
But for some reason this is one of my most heavily weighted Cons on my list.

Also the  'losing alot of invisible male privilege (workplace respect, going out at night alone etc)' con, is weighing heavily on me.

Any thoughts?

This sounds so much like my thought process, only I've had the ups and downs my whole life. I'm 39 and finally got to the point a year ago where rationality wasn't cutting it anymore. There was only one path, and responsibility to my family continues to weigh heavily.

I am 3 months on hormones now but have not socially transitioned yet, that's for early next year after Christmas holidays pass by us.

I have considered the male privilege thing quite a bit over the years, and I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. Happiness matters, and being socially treated as a woman is what makes me feel right. Not good, but right. It will never feel good to be second guessed because of what chemicals flow through my veins, or the clothes I wear, or what is or is not between my legs. But the benefits to me outweigh the cons.

I used to be a fat, 265#, 5,10" guy walking down the city street. Not huge but not small by any stretch. I didn't really worry about personal safety, or the make game of chicken that happens in every single interaction. Before starting hormones I spent a year and got down to 140#. Still as a guy, all those things went away as I was no longer this big object. Now I'm more aware of those around me and what they are doing, I'm not winning the game if chicken and I am perfectly fine with this, though it was an adjustment for sure. When I am presenting, it's really the same kinda thing. Yeah it's different but you get used to it.

Something to try us just go someplace where no one knows you and spend the day or weekend presenting as female. Aside from the unusualness of it and the awkward looks you will get at first, how do you feel in those social interactions?

Reading all your stories just give me inspiration. I hope I have the courage to do what most of you are doing right now.

I transitioned in my early 30s, and now approach 50, and every single day has been worth it.

This is not something you can "reason" your way in or out of.  If being gendered female is what makes you happy/euphoric/"right" and being gendered male makes you unhappy/dysphoric/"incorrect" then I strongly urge transition.  With the whole gamut of things you can do to help with passing, if you can afford it. 

The only way to make the dysphoria go away is correct gendering.

Quote from: kayla1618 on October 18, 2017, 05:00:59 AM"Aging.  Skin is temporary really, so I transition now, at 34.  I get maybe 8-12 good years of 'feeling pretty' and then it all goes to hell anyways, so is it really worth the torment, as I'll probably most definitely need FFS to pass anyways"

When we get to a certain age, there are other things we can do to stay beautiful.  A good skin-care regimen, starting now, for instance, delays all the aging processes but doesn't stop them.  Dermabrasion and face-lifts can erase wrinkles and restore a youthful complexion. 

QuoteAlso the  'losing alot of invisible male privilege (workplace respect, going out at night alone etc)' con, is weighing heavily on me.

For me, nothing weighed heavier than being misgendered.

Quote from: kayla1618 on October 17, 2017, 02:33:05 AM
Hey...

I'm brand new here, so I'll give a little history first.

I've known for as long as I can remember that I was a girl, with all the same usual stories that we all seem to tell here, with the exception being that I pretty much seemed able to bury my dysphoria at around age 12-14,  after multiple really bad bullying incidences, and here I am now.

The dysphoria never really surfaced again, until very recently. (Im 34 now) When a friend threw a crossdressing party. 
I went to the thrift store to try on some dresses for it, and in the change room when I saw myself in a cute dress, out of seemingly nowhere I literally started crying.  (and I'm not a crier in the slightest, like honestly, I never cry, its just not me.  a couple nostalgic moments, one drunk night in a bar,  and Lion King when I was like 11, other than that...never)

I suddenly felt dizzy when I looked up at my face, and was slightly angry that it wasn't pretty to match the dress.  I wanted to vomit almost, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The clearest most immediate thought in my mind was that I had to transition, or at least start looking into it.
Not to mention how good/confident/different I felt at the actual party, in full mode, which just made it worse, by making me realize the trueness of it all.

However... my rational mind started taking over and it told me to make a list. 
If the pros outweigh the cons, you do it.  And if not, leave it be.

Since Im a very rational person, who likes to scientifically break things down, this seemed like a reasonable enough approach. So I made the list, and it came out 7 pros vs 11 cons, and the pros aren't that great in comparison either.

However, now I cant stop thinking about it, and am the most confused I think I have ever been in my life thus far.
Is there anyone here that has successfully just buried dysphoria away??

Like honestly, the first 20 years from 14-34 seemed perfectly fine. Can I ever just return to that state??
Please help!! 

If I were to make an analogy as to what this is currently feeling like inside.......its kinda like

"falling in love with someone new, but then learning they're moving away in a month, leaving you to decide to uproot your life, for this new person, or stay put.  Oh...and theyre also a man, and youve never been gay ever until this, and you would have to tell your parents that as well"   (just an analogy, for the weight of the situation ... Im not into men, only women)

It is eerie how similar certain parts of your story are to my own. Even the fact that I just recently registered and made my first post on this site as well. I even did the pros and cons list, several times. For what it's worth, you're not alone in what you're going through. I really wish you the best of luck and hope you have all the success in finding your happiest solution.

I tried to approach it the same way, because I was always a rational person.

It didn't help.  Transition is not a rational decision. It's not a matter of weighing the pros and cons.  It doesn't work that way. 

Ironically, if/when you begin your transition you'll need all the rational thinking you can muster to plan, practice, study, and budget for a successful journey.

I take a split rational and emotional approach to life - I learned a long time ago that people are emotionally driven, myself no exception (despite a strong rational streak); if you experience emotional turmoil as a result of stress for example, and this always happens to you and there is no way around it, it is rational therefore to treat your emotional health and stablity as equally important to your physical health and to pursue states conducive to positive emotional outcomes and stress reduction. Mental health is absolutely as important as physical health. And the problem of transsexuality is a mental one that will affect your life.

When I was weighing up transition, there was the idea that if I could only master the problem in my mind there would be no need for any physical intervention. The cost, risk, danger of false hope, potential relationship and family problems, potential ostracism etc. that might be experienced clearly outweighed any "satisfaction" I hoped to receive. Except that in my case it did not - I was able to identify the various mental blocks placed on me by the condition that seemed to be a lot stronger than I see in most of those around me. The mental condition was adversely affecting my life on a subconscious level (because it has definitely affected me all my life before I even knew this was my problem fully) and prevented me from being able to live a normal life. By this I mean I know now my approach to relationships is stunted and far less enjoyable than most other people's as a result of the inhibitions I have. Or children - I will never be able to bring myself to have those because of this condition. My body puts me in a state of regression from being able to walk tall, and this is not controllable by mental gymnastics I have found. This is not a normal state of affairs for a person to be so inhibited, and clearly I've been losing out on many fundamental aspects of life...

Now obviously transition will not be able to repair some of these, but when looked at for what it is, the condition of remaining untransitioned is like being mentally (and somewhat physically) hobbled for me. Living out the rest of my life without at least some effort to rectify the problems is untenable when I ask "is there something I can do about this, or not?" I managed to master the problem mentally as far as I could - I seem to be far less stressed and more confident than many transitioners are as a result. But there is still the need to finish the job. Some things do go beyond our mental powers to manipulate and into the biological. HRT for example, had a profound and extremely positive effect that has been very good for both my mental and physical health. I'm very good at training myself into various states of mind, but I could not match the ability of testosterone to channel my mental energy productively and to calm and focus my temperament. This temperament had been causing me increasing stress and turmoil as the years advanced before transition, partly due to mounting frustration, and I was fighting a losing battle with it.

So sure, on the one hand transition is risky and costly and otherwise a huge hassle. But on the other, there is the question of a life not lived correctly, and whether I am willing to continue to not live it correctly for myself. Attempt to treat the disease, or live with it? As rational as people can be, sometimes their emotional (and even spiritual and philosophical) needs must win out.

Viktor,

Your thought process sounds alot like mine on the matter.  Thanks for answering, really appreciate it.

Quote from: Viktor on October 19, 2017, 10:59:25 AM
When I was weighing up transition, there was the idea that if I could only master the problem in my mind there would be no need for any physical intervention. The cost, risk, danger of false hope, potential relationship and family problems, potential ostracism etc. that might be experienced clearly outweighed any "satisfaction" I hoped to receive.

This is exactly how I feel, and I also fully agree with what you say next...

Quote from: Viktor on October 19, 2017, 10:59:25 AM
This is not a normal state of affairs for a person to be so inhibited, and clearly I've been losing out on many fundamental aspects of life...

Hit the nail on the head. 
I feel like my life up until now, has been a somewhat robotic existence, and since I uncovered this truth, its like I'm emotionally waking up.  I know HRT will make me feel wonderful, and probably also make me cry alot lol.
But the whole process just scares the ->-bleeped-<- out of me, not to mention the society we live in as well.

I'm literally scared that if I go on HRT and I grow boobs, and then suddenly decide I can't do it anymore, I'll be mutilated, and a fraud.  Deep down, I know that I want to "pass"/blend as best I can, but probably cant without surgery. (which I cant afford)  So this weighs on me heavily, because while emotionally HRT will probably do wonders for me, and free me from my robotic existence, the thought of having to de-transition because I can't pass, is scary.

If I could just flick a switch instead, that would be great...Wouldn't we all love that   

I actually very much understand where you are coming from.

For me, if I did not pass, I didn't think I could continue on with a full transition. I wanted to make the change and then go about life as normal afterwards, and have my gender identity be self-evident. Fortunately, for me, I pass with flying colors and have been able to do so.

But in the case that I didn't pass, I would have just stayed on hormones and continued to live life as male. Breast growth on HRT alone, especially at later ages, does not always yield the most noticeable results, so wearing a sports bra would be enough to hide them. And I'd probably still wear makeup and dress androgynously. I just wouldn't go through the trouble of identifying myself as female, because, for me, if people didn't default treat me as one I'd be discouraged.

Maybe that helps? I don't say this to discourage anyone who doesn't pass. This is just my personal experience. Sometimes it's a balance of changing what we can and finding peace with what we've got. I don't know if I could ever afford/mentally handle getting full SRS. Having female genitalia would be nice, but the idea of dilation in order to keep it open puts me off. I'll be getting and orchiectomy this year and after that, probably just learn to live with the genitals I have. It's difficult, but it's possible.

Quote from: kayla1618 on October 18, 2017, 05:00:59 AM
Thanks for all the answers everybody!  They have really helped.

One of the comments that stuck out to me was this one...

And I noticed it, because its one of my major cons on my list, which I have written as...

"Aging.  Skin is temporary really, so I transition now, at 34.  I get maybe 8-12 good years of 'feeling pretty' and then it all goes to hell anyways, so is it really worth the torment, as I'll probably most definitely need FFS to pass anyways"

I know its a little superficial, because of course there's obviously more to being a women than just 'feeling pretty'. 
But for some reason this is one of my most heavily weighted Cons on my list.

Also the  'losing alot of invisible male privilege (workplace respect, going out at night alone etc)' con, is weighing heavily on me.

Any thoughts?

I'm not touching whether you should transition or not. It isn't for everyone, but if one is 'driven' to be themselves as the opposite gender to birth, the age thing doesn't matter. I transitioned at 59. What is that like? Well, it isn't about being pretty. Sure I want to be attractive, but I will never be a hot young thing. That is okay. It is more about what is more appropriate, living male or female at any age. I love being treated as female by other people. It is amazing to me. If I offered advice in figuring yourself out, I would say go out as a female (away from your hometown if needed) and look at how it makes you feel. Experience, don't theorize. The lists mean nothing. As for age, I am happier being 'true me' at 60 than at any other time in my life. I am reborn at 60 and am revitalized not winding down like so many others I see who are my age. That's why I have a smile on my face.
If I looked at transition as one giant mountain to climb, I probably would have gone screaming into the night. It is a series of steps that are taken as you go along (for most.) Dysphoria will tell you if you need to climb the mountain, go part way up and stop, or settle in the valley. The saddest thing to me is if a life is lived in a spot you don't belong because fear is in charge and not the person. That was me for a long time.
Moni