Hello everyone, I know a lot of people have and are sharing their stories about being transgender, but to be honest a lot of it is hard to relate to for me. First I want to say that a lot of the time I don't even feel like I can say I am transgender. Not because I don't believe myself to be so, but because I have done nothing to act on it.

So here's a little on my history, and forgive me for how long this is. I was born male in the eighties, and really had no idea what transgender was or that it even existed. I presented as a boy as far as I can remember playing with G.I. Joe, He-man, Ninja Turtles, and Thundercats toys, and I can't recall ever doubting I was a boy. I had two older sisters and had every chance I would imagine to play with or do more girly things had I desired, but again i don't remember ever having the desire.

For most my younger years I'd say that things continued as I described above with me presenting as a young boy. Then I far as I can recall things changed when I hit puberty. This was the first time I can remember imagining myself as a girl. It was around this time I also started dressing in secret either in my sister's or mother's clothing when I was alone.

This continued for some time and this is also when I got heavily into gaming and the the internet. We moved around a lot through my years in school so I can't say I ever really had friends, but I also can't say that it has ever bothered me too much. Games and AOL were like drugs to me I couldn't get enough, and I always would choose them over doing anything social I may have been invented to. I had discovered AOL's chat rooms at this point, and I had no idea why but instead of chatting as a boy I would always make up a new username and present as a girl.

This was a thrill back then for me. I enjoyed "playing" a girl in the chat rooms and chatting with guys mostly. As the AOL chat rooms slowly died though I started to explore other ways to "play" as a girl. In the games I played I always chose to be the girl if it was an option at this point. I don't remember how it happened exactly, but this is around when I found a computer sim called Second Life.

This game was amazing to me I was able to make a female avatar and dress her how I wanted and be seen as a female by other players. I loved being told the outfits I put together were cute or sexy, and it got my hooked hard on the game. This is when I first really learned about people who were transgender playing in Second life. I met friends who were trans in the game and even came out that I was in fact not female in real life.

I spent a lot of time in second life and still do actually. This has also meant that real life friends are still not something i consider myself as ever really having. Second Life is almost the only place I have ever felt I can be myself. Over the years in the game and chatting with my trans friend there I came to the conclusion that I myself was probably transgender.

So this brings me to where I currently am in life I guess. It's been a few years now since I discovered I was trans, but not much has changed. I am still pretty much living the life I wish I could in real life when I play second life. I work a physical job week after week and with no college education I probably will be for some time. I don't make enough to really even think about transition in real life not to mention that I live with family, and can't really afford to get out on my own. I'm in my mid thirties at this point and just had a birthday. I'm balding, don't take good care of myself, and looking at me everything screams man to anyone looking I'm sure.

I have tried to make some real life friend in the transgender community locally but nothing has worked out. I can understand why I haven't been able to make trans friends though because I'm sure the way I look is probably screaming I'm a ->-bleeped-<- or whatever. It probably also doesn't help that I have resigned myself to the fact that I probably will never transition, and I am certain most transgender people wish to talk with someone going through what they are during transition.

Now I know this sounds sad, but believe me I'm lucky. I know how hard my situation would be for most people who are transgender, and I have no idea why but so far for me I am able to deal with it. I have never once thought of hurting myself or anything along those lines. I can't understand why I am able to do so, but as much as I want to transition I believe I can live my without without doing so. If I ever win the lotto though you can bet transitioning is the first thing I'm spending money on.

Wow, this was really long and to anyone who read it all thanks. I don't know why I felt like posting this, but there it is my story. I hope it helps someone out there like me to understand they aren't alone in the closet. To the rest of you brave enough to be transitioning you are beautiful, and I am very jealous. Love from me to all of you and thanks again.

Well, it's absolutely up to you whether you want to socially transition.  I don't in any way want to tell you that you can't present as male in your everyday life, for as long as you want.  But wow . . . it sounds like you're settling for "not in agony" and calling it good.  You know your life better than I do, but it seems to me like a gamble might be worth it.  "Not in agony" is a far cry from happy. 

The answer to this post is an old saying, this is the first day of the rest of your life. My first therapy visit was when I was about 23 and surgery was when I was 30. The transition involves many tasks and you deal with them one at a time. You need to decide where you want to start and we will help you. Possibly you could look into insurance that might be available to you and see if the policy offers anything. Maybe upgrade your professional abilities or take a second job to start saving money.

If you want something bad enough, you might be able to achieve it if you make it your primary goal in life. In my case I had to move away from home and save every cent I made. My expenses were rent and utilities, auto, food and medical. There wasn't entertainment and I watched every penny I spent. It was difficult but in the end it paid off.

The question is do you want it bad enough to make the sacrifice?

Dena is right!!!! I will add that you say transgender probably won't talk to you because of you being a male and not being able to relate. As one of those in that community as well, if you don't scream that you are a freak then I will talk to the same as any other person. You just have to treat everyone as a person. I went to pride fest for my first time this weekend and found everyone in the LGBTQ community more than accepting of everyone and pleasant. You can transition in many different ways in society and it doesn't always involve hormones. It can be small or large, however you decide to proceed. I am like you and grew up in the 80's but, my gd expressed itself from a young age and never went away. Like was said above this all up to you what you do. You had mentioned reasons for not transitioning balding, not taking care of yourself, and etc. These for myself were excuses to avoid the topic and not challenge myself to be the real me. I always told myself "oh I won't make a very pretty girl." Now I realize this was me letting societal upbringing in my life defeat me and put me down and tell me that I was to be only a boy and nothing more. We as transgenders have to a lot of the time challenge these societal acceptances and what others tell us is the norm. There is no norm but, only that we are unique individuals that you can't cage in a confining box. Discover what you want and need to be who you want to be in life. It is never too late to change.

Thank you all for your responses. I very much feel stuck in my current situation, but all your points on how I could get out of it are probably valid. I have thought about transitioning for a while, been to a transgender group, looked into my insurance, and done the research into what it what cost. I didn't really mean to make this a woe is me thing because I'm certain others have had more difficult situations. It does feel like a mountain I can't climb though in my current station in life. Transitioning would cost me my job, where I live I'm fairly certain, and that would make the mountain even larger.

I have been thinking of starting therapy though, and I'm looking for a therapist who deals with gender issues. I've also looked into going back to school and getting a degree in IT something I feel I am already good at, but again this would cost me money I can't afford. Scholarships I found just never paid enough to where I could go for it. I also live in the south and feel that not passing here wouldn't be a good idea, and I doubt I will ever fully pass even after transitioning. Rest assured though I am still looking for ways to transition it just doesn't seem likely. Sorry if these sound like excuses or that I am ungrateful for your suggestions. I am very grateful for your comments you all are amazing for caring about a stranger on the internet.

Hi,

When registering on this community, i didn't know what to expect and if i'd belong. Reading testamonies like yours made me understand that lots of people's stories are similar to mine and I recognize a lot of myself reading yours. I hope you'll feel the same way in a bit of time 

I have been around this forum for a while now and so far have received nothing but support. Most the time I just lurk and read about others. I don't know why but I felt like posting my story this time, and I want to thank you all for the comments.

First, love the avatar. Always was drawn to Poison for what are now way too obvious reasons...

Seriously though, I am right there with you on 95% of what you said. As a kid I watched the same array of shows and loved them, with the only difference being perhaps that I didn't hesitate to add She-Ra and Rainbow Brite into the mix as well. I didn't have older sisters however (my only sister wasn't born until I was 18), so on that front I have no idea how I would have acted. And while I never "pretended" (even if it turns out it wouldn't have been pretending) to be a girl online, I definitely made only female characters and was often read as a girl in the days before voice chat. I think a lot of us who grew up in the 80s and 90s have very similar stories actually, which is really quite remarkable.

I'm in the south as well, and started an online IT program last year even for even more parallels! I wouldn't have been able to afford it either, but when my mother passed away a few years ago I knew if she would have wanted anything it was for me to use the money I received from her life insurance and inheritance (which wasn't a lot, but enough) for schooling. So sort of a good coming from a very bad/silver lining type thing, but one for which I am eternally grateful since it is going to be what allows me to survive during all of this financially.

Thanks glad there are some other gamers around. 

I am sorry to hear about your mother, but I am glad some good came of it. Congratulations on starting your transition! I'm sure that must be exciting, and I bet your mother would be very happy to know you used the money to start living your life how you always wanted to. I sincerely hope everyday is better than the last for you in all your days to come.