Yesterday, my wife met two of the most important people in my Trans life, and she handled it better than I could have ever imagined she would.  We had been discussing the idea of her finally seeing me dressed femme for a little while now, and that day finally came. I took a shower and shaved, cleaning up as best as I could. I pulled out my secret bag and slowly got dressed. As I organized and debated on what to wear, Kerri sat there with a smile on her face. She complimented my boots and I think even got a little jealous of my taste. But overall, with love and adoration, she finally met Crystal. And even more importantly, she found that after all of this time, after swearing that she could never love Crystal in the same ways that she loves Craig, she realized that she did love the woman who her husband was to become.

Then we hit the first snag, as I filled my bra, Kerri noticed that I was a little lopsided and it just didn't seem to fit me properly. I fidgeted with the bra a little, removed it, put on another with less success then the first. Then she handed me one of her bra's to try on, but it didn't fit at all. We settled on my last bra, one which I had never work yet, and found that while it was the best fit around my body, it was far too big in the cups and therefore would never work at all.

I took a deep breath and swore to myself that I would not let this deter me. If I was going to spend the day flat chested, then so be it. I finished getting dressed and moved on to the next step, fighting with my wig. I don't really understand why the wig is so troublesome. The day I purchased it, it was brushed out beautifully and while the bangs were a little obnoxious in my eyes, it was manageable and I loved the look of the full finished product of hair and makeup. But every time that I have tried putting the wig on at home, I can't get the hair to stay in position; I can barely see a damn thing because of all the hair in my eyes. But worse, what I can see, is a very male face looking out from underneath. I don't know a thing about applying makeup, and have yet to have the time to try and learn, but it will definitely be the next thing I work on.

As I stare in the mirror, at this ridiculous looking man in a wig, I finally broke and Kerri met that super villain that plagues the lives of all of us... Dysphoria.  I started to feel the anxiety building within me. I wanted to cry but knew that I had to be strong and not let that evil bastard defeat me. I kept trying to brush the wig and make something work, but while I succeeded in letting the tears begin to flow, I lost the battle and began to flip out internally. I pulled the wig off my head and almost flung it across the room. Within seconds, Crystal had disappeared in a fury usually reserved for the Tasmanian Devil and before Kerri could even blink, I was pulling on my boxers and guy jeans.

She came with me to visit my therapist and I discussed this mini breakdown with logic and a sound mind. Kerri was more accepting then I ever thought she could be and today, after all of our times where I would support her when she was depressed, she was my rock. She held me up and kept me moving forward, and I honestly believe that if she wasn't with me on this day, I would have had a complete and utter hysterical melt down. We left therapy and she insisted that we stop into Target to get some storage drawers, so that my Crystal attire would no longer be shoved into a duffle bag. We then stopped at 2 local costume stores to try and find a new wig that while cheap, might not have the ridiculous bangs that would keep me from seeing. We were unsuccessful on that front, but talked about going to a legitimate wig shop in the future to try and 1) get my wig styled better so that it can be managed and 2) maybe get a new wig altogether. 

Kerri also suggested that I reach out to a friend in the community to maybe see about going shopping together. There was no thought into which friend to contact and I reached out to somebody who I admire greatly. I have never gone out shopping for Crystal, choosing instead to shop online because I didn't want to walk in and be mocked for my appearance or my choice in purchases. Hopefully my friend and I can go out soon and I can put most of these fears behind me and find the best version of Crystal that there can be.

I'm having the same problem with wigs. First time I put any of them on, they were perfect. But wow, they are deteriorating fast and it is becoming a chore to not look like I was just ran through a dryer. Ordered some wig specific brushes and made a makeshift stand out of a gallon water jug that is roughly head shaped, so hoping that helps some. If you've been keeping it in the same duffle bag, with everything else coming out into the open maybe you can get a stand to keep it on? Supposedly makes a huge difference from what I've read, particularly when it comes time to brush it (since you do it from the stand, not on your head).

Hi Crystal!

I remember only too well those early days of transition.  They are heady times, and can be frustrating as well.  I've found that in the world of serious cross dressers and part timers, wigs are referred to as "hair," and they are taken pretty seriously, as they are an important part of presentation.  When people gender you at first glance, they are going to look at two things first -- hair and breasts, so that's where to spend the money.  I ended up buying two high end synthetic wigs at a half price sale at Wigs dot com.  They are beautiful and well worth the money I paid.  More importantly, they have adjustable, breathable caps underneath, (important because I have a large head) and places where you can secure the cap to your real hair with hairpins -- or if you are follically challenged, place tapes.  Mine have two methods of adjustment, adjustable straps on the sides for size, and bendable metal tabs around the ears for positioning, and you are right, that takes some work.

Before hormones and growing my hair out, wearing them made me feel very girly -- and I was sad to take them off at the end of a dressing session.  More importantly, they were long and thick and made me look girly.  I've found with wigs that you get what you pay for -- a good one contributes a lot to your passability and a cheap one, well, you might as well buy a nice hat instead.

Don't buy a human hair wig unless you plan to wear wigs on a permanent basis, but even if a wig is an interim solution until your hair grows out, a good synthetic is the thing that can get you out and about and treated well while you are at it.

I do remember well the first time I tried that first wig after the box arrived in the mail, wearing steel rim men's glasses and male clothes at the time.  I looked like a guy who should be working in a physics lab at Cal Tech.  So, yes, there are going to be those days.  I learned it takes the right clothes, makeup and glasses for everything to come together and for me to see the girl in the mirror that had been hiding inside me my whole life.

Ultimately, although my wigs looked great around the house, I gave up wearing them on outings sometime during the "sneaking past the neighbors" phase, because putting them on in the car was more trouble than just going out in short hair, a little bit of makeup, and femme clothing.  I just decided to own it until my hair grew out.

Have faith and patience -- figuring out the hair and bra games is the hardest part of transitioning, because those things are difficult for any girl.  Enjoy your shopping outing with your friend.  Don't be afraid to look and be feminine and try things on.  It takes time to figure out your favorite looks, but it sure is fun!

Hugs, Carly

Hi Crystal,

  I know well those days of frustration and unsatisfactory results. I cross dressed for so many years I got okay with makeup and sometime did a very nice job but it would take me somewhere from 1 - 2 hours to achieve the look I liked. Now that I am no longer in the closet I  do not use very much makeup for daytime activities. a little brow pencil followed wit a brow brush to soften and blend the look, neutral eye shadow mostly beige to brown colors and a bit of mascara on upper and lower lashes just enough to make my light colored lashes look like I have some a bit of pressed powder and a tinted lip gloss is all I needs to be in the public eye. If I feel a bit like being dressier I'l us foundation and a bit more color on the eyes and a bit more mascara wilr eye liner and a bit of blush the finish with a dusting of loose powder applied with a brush to blend everything and the a bit of more color on the lips.
  For wigs I bought 2 for under $75 from Paula's wigs (online) the one I'm wearing in my avatar is one of them, and a couple cosplay ones from china off amazon one of those was all of $14 and doesn't look bad at all. I have a wig brush and a spikey looking small brush I use . start at the ends and work your way up when gently brushing. key word Gently.  Patience and practice if what will work.

Hugs,
  Laurie

this is the $14 wig from china

Hey, Crystal , congratulations on the progress, and sorry about the frustrations.

One thing about wigs is that they deliberately make them too long so that you have some room to trim them.  Those annoying bangs are meant to be trimmed.  I took mine to a hairdresser and had her trim them for me.  A good hairdresser will know to be careful, since it won't grow back.