I was exactly the same age when I started questioning my true gender identity. I still am figuring it out a year later.  And honestly, when I started out with the realization, I was in denial that I was transgender, but that was mostly because I didn't realize that even being trans was a gender spectrum.  But until then, I had been denying that I was anything other than female.
But what your therapist may really be saying is that, when people figure out they are transgender, many (not all though) can go back a long time, well into their childhood, and find the signs. My first sign was when I was five or six.  I've been denying being trans for over 20 years. That's not always the case though.  The more important thing is being transgender is part of your identity. Part of who you are.  And who you are takes time to evolve. The realization of who you are can come at ANY point in your life.
For example, you were a teen when you were diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. (From what I gather) These days, kids are diagnosed at a younger age because there is more knowledge of it than when we were kids.  But despite being older, its something that's been part of you for a very long time, right? Its part of who you are, part of what makes you unique, part of what makes you great, (even if its difficult too).  Every person with Asperger's is different.  Just as every transgender person is different.
Some of the things you list are definitely some of the signs of being on the male side of the gender spectrum. Does that mean you are going to transition to a guy? Nope.  Like others have said, gender is a spectrum.  Maybe you're a masculine girl. Maybe you're a feminine guy. Maybe you're not even a binary gender at all.  But, its up to you whether you feel like you fall under the trans spectrum. Explore your gender expression (how you like to present yourself.) Buy a pair of guys pants and a shirt. See how you feel.  (I know she's not always thought of a great example of what it means to be trans, but she proves a point in this case) Remember, Caitlyn Jenner just changed her gender expression for years (though in private) before coming out as trans.
The other thing to remember, is people who have different mental health from others, like anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, autism, asperger's syndrome, etc... We have a tendency to have a harder time with things we don't understand/know... (I'm diagnosed with severe anxiety) Which may be why seeing a transgender woman (the person was female right?) spurred yourself to question.  Not saying that you are wrong to question, or that you're not trans. Never would say that, but it is something to remember as well.

The most important part is that you are still you - kind, generous, good. Those things don't change, you are still your weird and geeky self - all that (*all*, as if..), transgender means is that you have insight into yourself in ways that others don't, because you've become aware of aspects of your gender do not fit into the way that you are treated, behave, or desire to appear, (and it may only be one aspect that triggers your anxiety).

This is our journey of understanding ourselves, and how we relate to the world (and how it relates to us), physically, socially and mentally. Understanding ourselves means we can relate, compensate, adjust and improve those aspects, because we are aware, and not blindly stumbling on.

Quite often we find out simply through the comments of others (in my case, I was always such a girl), or an irrepressible need to get out of the gender uniforms that we socially are expected to have, or a deep seated desire to be rid of physical characteristics that are used as gender markers, it may however be subtle, in our awareness of our social interaction, knowing that we're doing it wrong, worrying, making mistakes, and then questions, questions, questions of why- with the anxiety and paranoia that accompanies them.

MichelleP often tells of when she was interviewing a transgender lady, the though that crossed her mind was 'she's so brave' - and the initial blind panic that ensued. Dena can talk all about how it was her social environment that didn't tie up, as just a start and we are all still here, as terrifying as it may seem now, you can get through this, and it doesn't mean that you suddenly start dressing as a man, or need surgery, or hormones, and doing any of those are choices that you may make, and you may choose to make them, because you feel better about yourself when you present that way, that is all.

It's going to take time hon. Honestly, I've suspected my gender as a cause of many of my issues for a couple of years (how can one so bright, be so dumb;) ), and the world hammered the message home 18 months or so. I'm now dealing with my own anxiety, and panic, with the help of.... a therapist, and medications - I have a lot of unknowns, apart from one, and that is the unwavering support of folk here who will help, suggest, support, love, offer kindness unconditionally, regardless of our personal circumstances.

There is hope, as the many successful stories here are testament to, and yes you will be able to find your own path, to being a more authentic you, where you are comfortable with yourself.

(Hugs) - it's going to be ok.

Rowan.

I think for me......its trying to understand if ALL of this is just my anxiety/OCD getting to me.....or if its like "No.....you are trans..." Aside from having irregular periods before I went on birth control and not having the same chest size......as far as I know I have not had any problems being a woman. I know I am not a girly girl. I have known that for years. That does not bother me.....Yes I wear more nerdy things than dresses. I do wear makeup and I like having my hair braided. I dont do my hair a lot. I usually wear it up a lot. But I cant stand messy eyebrows. When I see myself in pictures with bad eyebrows it would always bug me. Yeah I played and did more sports than girly things like dance etc. I love art. But I know growing up and up until this all started.....I never wished for a penis or to transform into a dude. As far as I know.

I am going to risk some direct advice...

(IMPORTANT: None of what I am about to say is in anyway stating you are or are not transgender. I am simply offering a way to approach the question with your therapist to hopefully aid you in reaching the correct answer based on my own experiences and fears having similar OCD and anxiety problems.)

Instead of focusing on whether or not you are transgender, speak with your therapist about why you began to worry that you are transgender to begin with. For example (but potential avenues to discuss hardly limited to these examples)... Did something about the woman you met hit too close to home, stirring up legitimately repressed feelings? Or are you perhaps looking for an answer for other issues, and this seems as though it would a reasonable explanation? I know I was originally worried that I was convincing myself I was transgender in order to explain away a lifetime of anxiety and agoraphobia. (ie: "Oh, I was transgender, that explains it! I'm not just a loser who has never been on a date at 35.") This was a big topic I addressed in therapy, and it didn't take long for me to reach the conclusion I wasn't making it up. But then I also know that it wasn't until my anxiety and related issues began to get better, and that I became overall healthier, that I was able to acknowledge my gender issue in full. Regardless of the answer you reach (which may of course very well be different from mine), you should consider this and other questions fully. I'd also focus on if you have a history of hypochondria-like symptoms with your OCD, as it is very common for those of us with OCD to convince ourselves of something or worry about things when we encounter them and see even slightest bit of parallel. (This isn't true hypochondria, which is almost a subset of OCD, but mimics it. And again, doesn't mean this isn't real, but is simply something else to consider.)

You also seem to be a little hung up on the idea of being transgender as being based around whether you "wanted to be a dude" or have a penis. Don't worry about that right now, there is far more to being transgender than that. Even if you do decide you are transgender, no one is going to make you get a penis unless you want one.

Bottom line: I suggest that you explore the cause of these fears with your therapist if you aren't, more so than simply mulling over the the "am I or aren't I?" question. I know that most people here are happy to speak with you about these fears, but we are not a substitute for a therapist that knows you personally, and I worry we may bring our own biases to the table. (As while you may very well be transgender, and none of us can make that call, your posts so far read to me as though they could very well be an OCD driven panic as well, and you owe it to yourself to explore every possibility.)

Oh, and to go back a post or two... none of this means you aren't or can't be a good person. No matter where the chips may fall, you are you. And you are a good person. (I'm taking your word for that one. )

Quote from: BJ0909 on October 27, 2017, 01:11:59 PM
I think for me......its trying to understand if ALL of this is just my anxiety/OCD getting to me.....or if its like "No.....you are trans..." Aside from having irregular periods before I went on birth control and not having the same chest size......as far as I know I have not had any problems being a woman. I know I am not a girly girl. I have known that for years. That does not bother me.....Yes I wear more nerdy things than dresses. I do wear makeup and I like having my hair braided. I dont do my hair a lot. I usually wear it up a lot. But I cant stand messy eyebrows. When I see myself in pictures with bad eyebrows it would always bug me. Yeah I played and did more sports than girly things like dance etc. I love art. But I know growing up and up until this all started.....I never wished for a penis or to transform into a dude. As far as I know.

Sweetie, all bodies are different.
I can't stand messy brows, and I'm AMAB, but then, I'm not your average guy.

So my strategy right now is to help with the anxiety, and see if that can help with the obsession.

Your therapist may have picked up on your personality, or behaviours that you are performing subconsciously, and will, as any good therapist will do, be looking for an explanation that Best fits, to then be able to create a treatment path to help you feel better about yourself - or help you understand yourself better, so that you don't get as anxious.

We had a running joke in our home that "I was such a girl", and a host of inappropriate comments for when I was ditzy, or emotional. One day, my partner called me out again, and then had a flash of understanding, where she'd managed to connect the dots, to the exclamation of "OMG, you are a girl". The joke stopped after that... I miss it's validation, but it started a raft of questions, lots and lots of questions.

Yes, I was very triggered and anxious, and I had no idea what that would mean for my future, and I still don't know. What I do know is that what happens will be my choice. In my own sweet time, and not on some timeline and direction chosen for me by others. And so it is for you - what happens next is up to you. Ask lots of questions - write a list if needs be, of how you're feeling, if it is compelling you to do things, how the question or suggestion come up. Explore the topic, knowing that if you want it to have little or no impact, then you're going to need some healthy strategies, just like your OCD.

And most of all keep talking - we love a good chat and a cuppa.

(Hugs)

Rowan.

i think for me its trying to understand if ALL of this is just OCD or if its real and who i am when as far as I know I never really worried about it. When my therapist talked about how she has connections for me if I was trans.....my stomach got this nervous pinch in my stomach. I didn't light up for anything.

You've a real ally in your therapist - and she's allowing you space to have those challenging conversations. She will also be looking for you to use the strategies that you've learned or discussed in determining if it is a symptom of your OCD, or a perspective on your reality than can help explain much of your world - and make you more comfortable with yourself.

She wants you to feel better, and we are here to help you along your journey of discovery, as much as we can. Ultimately there will be answers that only you can give, but I've no doubt that you'll have all bases covered when you reach your conclusions.

Rowan

Quote from: Sno on October 27, 2017, 05:33:15 PM
You've a real ally in your therapist - and she's allowing you space to have those challenging conversations. She will also be looking for you to use the strategies that you've learned or discussed in determining if it is a symptom of your OCD, or a perspective on your reality than can help explain much of your world - and make you more comfortable with yourself.

She wants you to feel better, and we are here to help you along your journey of discovery, as much as we can. Ultimately there will be answers that only you can give, but I've no doubt that you'll have all bases covered when you reach your conclusions.

Rowan

Whats frustrating is.....before all of this started.....I would have thoughts and feelings of being gay/bi. I would have thoughts and feelings of being a violent person. I would have thoughts and feelings of not loving my parents. I have had thoughts and feelings of not caring about this one guy in my life. So at this point IDK what to believe.....if all of this is in my head or if its real.

Hi hon,

The key to this is that you've explored each of those ideas, and they have not stood up to scrutiny, and this is your test for your feelings of being trans.

If they continue regardless of questions, and experiences then you'll know for yourself of your status - although, simply questioning your gender is something that a cis-gendered person does not do...

(Hugs)

Rowan

Quote from: Sno on October 27, 2017, 11:52:31 PM
Hi hon,

The key to this is that you've explored each of those ideas, and they have not stood up to scrutiny, and this is your test for your feelings of being trans.

If they continue regardless of questions, and experiences then you'll know for yourself of your status - although, simply questioning your gender is something that a cis-gendered person does not do...

(Hugs)

Rowan

See thats the thing.......I mean I would ask why I am not girly but that is because I am a nerdy person...Ive always known I portray myself a little bit more tomboyish than my sister who is more girly....but I have never questioned myself as being female.....and THAT is what is frustrating....it feels as if this came out of no where....SO IDK anymore. *sigh* I just feel as if either all of this is my OCD thoughts ruining my life......or IDK....my anxiety etc was getting better a few weeks ago and I felt like I was becoming better.....and now all of this comes and now I feel even more confused and worse...I just miss being who I was years ago. Being a happy weird girl who loves her doggies and loves anime and Harry Potter and Disney.....like even 2 years ago I was fine.....none of this was a problem as far as I know....I am in no way discriminatory or against being trans....I know it would never be a bad thing...but before all of this started......I was never bothered by my female name.....I was never bothered when someone called me miss or Ma'am. I liked shaving my legs....I liked getting my eye brows done....I would love it when my sister would braid my hair....yes I don't wear heels and dresses etc. But as far as I know I never felt weird of how I presented myself because I always have known I am not as girly as my sister. But I have never thought before of wanting to be called sir and be a father and be a husband...somehow being portrayed as a son or a guy.....not having thoughts of having sex as a guy....none of these things as far as I know have crossed my mind until now....

In my case, I never questioned my gender before age 13. Everybody told me I was a boy so I was a boy. I wasn't interested in sports, I enjoyed playing with girls and I had an interest in science. This made me some what of a loner but I figured it was normal and because I wasn't unhappy, I didn't worry about it. One day in school I looked at a girl in the class room and suddenly I realized I wanted to be her and the thought wouldn't leave my mind. This didn't change the person I was and I still have the personal values that I had before.

Others on the site mention this awaking at a much latter age. Some may marry and raise a family before they realize they are not who they think they are. When you are attempting to figure this out, don't think about the past because you may have been missing some information. Think about how you feel right now. Do you think sometimes you would like to be a male but sometimes a female? Would you like to be a female all the time? Would you like to be a male all the time? How you answer these questions will give you a better idea about who you are.

As far as I know now....up until this started.....I never said to myself "I want to be a guy...." I never saw a guy and said.....I want to be him.....I know I am not a girly girl. And that has never bothered me....I love being a nerd and loving anime and Disney and Harry Potter. Its who I am......I do like wearing sweaters etc.

For most of us, it catches us by surprise. From nowhere. Triggered by some random event, and then turns everything upside down.

If you look around, you'll see the forums littered with identical realisations, awakenings, and ah-ha moments of ordered lives thrown into chaos - for a few, the fortunate few, their sense of self was undeniable from an early age, following the narrative that is espoused from the rooftops, and leaving the rest of us to question our reality, over and over and over again.

You'll also see lots of us struggling with mental health issues too - anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, multiple personalities, the list could fill a book.

Being 'male' or 'female' is about our sense of self, and it's quite shocking to discover that we aren't who we think we are identified as - it's not identified by the clothes we wear, the jobs we do, the friends we keep, and it certainly isn't a simplistic binary male/female.

But it's just a label. The challenge is then ours to accept or deny a quest to find what our identifier really is so that our external environment stops making us feel out of place.

This, is where your therapist comes in - to help you, be closer to showing the real you to the world.

Rowan

So are you trying to say I am transgender or no? Because I never ever thought about being transgender or EVER worried about my gender until supposedly meeting this transwoman....and I have seen many other transgender people in my life and it never triggered me questioning my own gender...As far as I know I have not wanted to be presented as a guy.....yes.....I am not girly......I am more tomboyish than my sister.....I have known that all of my life.....but.....I have not had thoughts as far as I know to go back in time and wish I was boy.....I 100% know I am not a girly girl. I am saying the other thoughts I have had because....it all came at once.....they were never things that I knew about myself...I never worried about them......they were either thoughts or feelings that came at once...I am not against being transgender...but with everyone supporting the idea of me being that......it feels as if it makes everything worse and worse...because I am trying to figure out if I like this guy who is in my life.....if I ever fell in love with him and if I love him now......and if I ended up figuring out I am trans......he would never want to be with me......even if he fell in love with who I am on the inside as a weird dorky person...When I have seen guys in my life.....yes I get along with them a little better.......but I never thought to myself....."I want to be this guy...." As far as I know I have not had thoughts of "I want the world to see me as this guy.....or a guy..."

And of course now IDK if I am crying because upon realizing that if I was trans this guy wouldnt love me or be with me.....and when I think about being trans I dont cry......but thinking somehow that he wouldnt love me.....I cry about that...when I talk about trans stuff or gay stuff or bi stuff I dont cry......but worrying about him not loving me or wanting to be with me...

(Hugs)

Here we are, talking on a site about your gender questions, and I forgot the tissues.

(Hugs)

And there in a nutshell is the very definition of transgender - and in the same way, I know that I am not a man. It's taken me a long time to work through what I am, because I can tolerate the drab clothes (it hides me), I can play along with man-games and enjoy them for a limited period of time, but somehow, somewhere deep in me is a disconnect, and I realised that I was enjoying the playing along, rather than the being involved, and being me.

Being trans brings a host of social difficulties, especially if (and I can't emphasise that part enough), you decide to transition and yes when we work out that we maybe trans, we do become starkly aware of the potential difficulties ahead -especially when there are partners or children involved.

You are lovable, don't forget that, as a gay guy, or a straight girl, or a straight guy, a bi-guy or girl - preferences are just that, preferences

Your journey to here is not uncommon. In fact it's quite the opposite, it's quite common indeed.

(Hugs)

Have a chat with MeTony and the other dudes.

Rowan

But see what I am trying to understand is..... I am crying more over this guy not loving me than the whole trans thing....now all I am reading is you guys singling me out as being trans....

Quote from: Sno on October 28, 2017, 07:21:04 PM
(Hugs)

Here we are, talking on a site about your gender questions, and I forgot the tissues.

(Hugs)

And there in a nutshell is the very definition of transgender - and in the same way, I know that I am not a man. It's taken me a long time to work through what I am, because I can tolerate the drab clothes (it hides me), I can play along with man-games and enjoy them for a limited period of time, but somehow, somewhere deep in me is a disconnect, and I realised that I was enjoying the playing along, rather than the being involved, and being me.

Being trans brings a host of social difficulties, especially if (and I can't emphasise that part enough), you decide to transition and yes when we work out that we maybe trans, we do become starkly aware of the potential difficulties ahead -especially when there are partners or children involved.

You are lovable, don't forget that, as a gay guy, or a straight girl, or a straight guy, a bi-guy or girl - preferences are just that, preferences

Your journey to here is not uncommon. In fact it's quite the opposite, it's quite common indeed.

(Hugs)

Have a chat with MeTony and the other dudes.

Rowan

What is the real definition of being transgender??

Like..... I am crying more over scared of him leaving me than the whole trans thing all together....

Someone who is transgender, experiences discomfort that is specifically related to their gender role as assigned at birth. It could be detailed, as in why do I have ... or general as in I feel fake, and everything in between.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_dysphoria

Most folk never feel any discomfort with their role, and as a result, never ask the question why does doing this make me feel bad. That's why we say, if you're questioning your gender, then you are most likely somewhere under the trans umbrella, especially if the questioning doesn't stop (akin to an obsession, or compulsion).

For me, that's been 4 years now - I don't have OCD, but I do have anxiety issues, and working out I was trans was like huh, that all makes sense now, and helped me stop worrying about certain things - it also unfortunately ramped up my poor self esteem though (feeling invalid, unlovable, a freak, an outsider, very, very alien and consequently worthless). I have complete anxiety meltdowns at the thought of my partner leaving me.

It also came out of the blue, triggered by something that happened.

In your welcome post from the moderator team, there is a link to our wiki, (also linked at the top of the page), that may be of help too.

Are you trans? Only you can answer that.



Rowan