Hi,

i'm no transgender myself, atleast i'm not sure. In fact, i kept asking myself the question numerous times since i was a teenager, but always ended up refuting it. But the question kept comming, stronger everytime and now keep me awake at night: Am i lying to myself ? Am i trans even tho i didn't felt like it earlier ? Can it come and goes ? Is it just a fantasy ? What to do ?
In short, i'm here to find answers, advices or tips to know if i'm indeed trans, as doing nothing is equally terrifying to me than going in, since i feel even i don't even know myself and i might ruin my life on a diceroll in both action or inaction. The simple tought of it terrifies me and i can't stand it anymore. When i see all those transition stories, it feels like the people transitionning were absolutely certain of themselves, entirely dedicated to the end goal whithout a single doubt in their mind as mine is full of fear, making me even more hesitant about it even tho i feel more and more like a woman as time pass.

In my everyday life, i'm your typical 26yo dude you cross in the street on your way to work who hang out whith friends, who loves nerd stuff like Dungeons and Dragons, Tolkien and video games. I'm pretty shy, reserved and have a bad tendeancy of holding my feelings for myself, even to my closest friends and family. I feel like people don't need to know me. Even writting this message down is kinda stressing me even tho i know everything will be fine. I feel naked and vulnerable when talking about my feelings and i don't like it, even anonymously.

I've already considered the trans lifestyle before, since my teenager years, but always ended up either doing nothing or finding myself a confortable middleground, like crossdressing or feminizing my body and mind out of not daring to try more permanent or visible ways to know for certain. But it still leaves a hole, especially in my everyday life. I tryed herbal supplements numerous times but always ended up scared of the eventual permanent results and stoped it, especially sterility for some reasons, even tho i know i wont get any children the old way.
In addition, i don't know if i can manage the reaction of the people i know or my family. I don't want to hurt them and i feel like i will deprive them of the person they always knew, be it a facade or not.

I'm utterly lost and to scared to either do something or nothing.
PS: Sorry for my english, it's not my first language 

Hi Epherirus 

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Hugs

V M

Hello, welcome to Susan's.  Your intro is a bit like mine.  I knew I was transgender from a young age only I fought it.  I had those questions like you do now.  Kudos on confronting it in your 20s.  I didn't fully until my 40s.  My advice to help, is go to a gender therapist and talk things out.  You may find you aren't trans.  Or if you find you are, your therapist can help you chart what you would like to do next.

Bari Jo

Hi, I'm Mary. 
Bari Jo's advice is good and I'm sure that there are many here who know how you feel.  Welcome to Susan's Place.

Welcome and I second the previous advice.  You don't have to figure this out by yourself.

 Hi Epheirus,

I'm Laurie, mtf and yes I am in the process of transitioning. Reading peoples transition stories here you could get the feeling  everyone was sure about doing it. I can tell you that though many are there are also many that were/are not so sure.  I myself started with the idea that if it did not feel the right thing to do I could stop before it became too late. I have always wished I was born a girl. I crossdress virtually all my life. I envied girls and women for almost everything they could do that I was denied as a boy. I felt shame, guilt, and perverted for wanting and wearing girl's then women's clothes until I realized there was nothing I could really do about it. it was just something I had to do and could not stop. I anguish over these things for 64 years before I started HRT. I am trans, a transwoman and that is what I can do nothing to change. This has caused me many issues and problems that I am currently trying to work through with my gender therapist. Getting one yourself is good advice. Being open and honest with a therapist is essential if they are going to be able to assist you figure yourself out. I am still working to accept myself for who I am. The soon you get started getting help the sooner you with find out who you are.
   The answer is within you you just could use a little help finding it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Welcome Epheirus. You sound exactly like me, 20+ years ago 

Thanks for the welcomming and the advices everyone.
I'll try to folow your advice and seek a gender therapist. I don't feel ready yet, but that may indeed be the best way to go.

Hi again Epheirus,

  I read your first post above and now this one;

Quote from: Epheirus on October 28, 2017, 07:05:10 AM
Thanks for the welcomming and the advices everyone.
I'll try to folow your advice and seek a gender therapist. I don't feel ready yet, but that may indeed be the best way to go.

  I would urge you to reconsider talking to a therapist. preferably a therapist familiar with gender issues as they would understand the issues you are facing better. I say this because of the stress you are experiencing that you yourself have related here. Those feelings you have wrestled with will not go away on their own and talking with a therapist can help you with those struggles. Please considerate it again. I wish you peace in your struggles. and welcome again. We're glad you are here.

Hugs,
    Laurie

If you aren't sure if you are transgender, the first task would be to determine if you are. If you are, then you would want to figure out what you want to do about it because not everybody transitions. A gender therapist would help but for now I have a couple of links that might help. The first is our WIKI where you will  learn what transgender is. The second link is "the transition channel" where a transition is discussed in more detail.

Hi and welcome Epheirus 

First of all I agree with Dena, you should definitely check out the transition channel on youtube it's very helpful.
Now, I'm not by any means saying that you are a transsexual for sure but it does definitely sound like you might be. Where you said about it keeping you awake at night is a classic characteristic of somebody who has been born in the wrong body. However, I don't believe I am transsexual myself, Just transgender in the form of a crossdresser but I havent even come out to anyone so it is probably not the best for me to answer. However, good luck on you journey and just know, there are many many people in your situation.

Love you...

Alexis
Xxx

Thanks again for the advices and the the support, especially the links who were very helpfull. It made me realise how little i knew on the matter and that i was far from the only one, which is reassuring in some ways.

And about the therapist, i tought about it and i'll do it. It can't hurt and can eventually sort things out for the better.

Again, thank you all. It's good to know i can speak of it somewhere.