Deniz sweety...  Im a total hopeless romantic, but even I know when to bow out...

Love is a hard and terrable thing to loose, and it will leave a very large bleeding wound in your heart... but its a survivable wound... If you tell him and he or his friends become violent you may not live thorugh it... or if you do you may wish they had finished the job...

This guy sounds like the type that is not only hateful but would have hateful friends <I knew his type in the past>  Id not put your safety or aninimity at risk by coming out to him... ESPECIALY if hes going into the military...

Sweety, I know its hard, but let him go... Ittle be better for the both of you... but especialy you

I think LA told the truth when she said:  "Hon, having that kind of a secret in a relationship - well, it always comes out eventually, and when it does, it destroys everything."  In this case I'm sure the second part is right, and that destruction will be hard on you, but part one: it always comes out eventually - you can take that to the bank.  There are too many ways to find out, too easy in the course of living with someone day in and day out in an intimate relationship to slip.  You can do stealth in a lot of places, but this ain't one of them. 

PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT tell him your secret, Deniz.  I agree with everyone here, he will hurt you.  You may not want to believe that, but he will!  You have seen the best of him, and he has only seen of you what you want him to see.  When you tell him the truth, you will no longer see the best of him. 
Break it off now and just walk away.   No harm done. 
Yes your heart will be breaking, but he could put you in hospital or worse, and the whole town is going to judge you in the worst possible way because they will find out too!
Of course, I would love a happy ending, but I'm sorry Deniz, given his age and how he HATES gays and TGs, he will honestly destroy you as you have definitely deceived him.  No happy ending here, I'm sorry.


buttercup 

Hi Deniz hon, if it is romance and fantasizing you desire I would be more then happy to share some. It was romance and fantasizing that kept me alive praying and dreaming of being a wonderful magical princess with her prince, day dreaming of romantic days ahead of me.

I actually acted out my fantasies in reality. I my apartment, in the woods out back and ah, yes. the beach during the day among many other folks sharing the beach. I use to go with my friend Tracy to visit others her friends, dressed as the real me. Driving to another town dressed as me. There was also a time where I would totally get lost in story writing.

At least these were safe ways for me to express who I was inside. I think the whole town knew about me before I even came out full time but the folks with the telephonitis were getting it all wrong so I figured it was time to come out and show them who I really was.

If you wish you may PM me.

Cindy

Being a Transexual, or transgendered, or whatever - is NEVER a license to lie.

The truth makes you free at any rate, so said some wise man.

What kind of life would it be for you to have to watch every world, each reference in the fear that you might slip?  That's a hell of slavery, one heck of a human bondage to be in, one of your own making.

Besides, how much more powerful is your story when told in truth, rather than fiction?  How much better is it for someone to love you for what you are, rather than what they expect?

Hi my stories are just that, either fantasy or reality and I still know one from the other but I find sometimes fantasy is a good place to be when taking a break from to much reality. Wing Walker learned from me how to play fantasy. She had never indulged before.

Cindy

Quote from: buttercup on February 14, 2008, 02:40:54 PM
PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT tell him your secret, Deniz.  I agree with everyone here, he will hurt you.  You may not want to believe that, but he will!  You have seen the best of him, and he has only seen of you what you want him to see.  When you tell him the truth, you will no longer see the best of him. 
Break it off now and just walk away.   No harm done. 
Yes your heart will be breaking, but he could put you in hospital or worse, and the whole town is going to judge you in the worst possible way because they will find out too!
Of course, I would love a happy ending, but I'm sorry Deniz, given his age and how he HATES gays and TGs, he will honestly destroy you as you have definitely deceived him.  No happy ending here, I'm sorry.


buttercup 

+1

GIVEN: that no person has a right to inflict violence on another person except to protect themselves or others from certain violence committed upon them.

So, does he not have a right to be slightly miffed?  Upset?  Mad?  You lied to him, and no one I've ever met likes to be lied to.

Deniz......

I am hopelessly romantic, but genuinely realistic.  Some advice can get you hurt, or killed.  Sound advice will keep you alive, and him out of jail.  Turn and walk away without outting yourself.  Remember him as gentle and sweet, not as a blurry image beating you up.

Bev

Quote from: Seshatneferw on February 14, 2008, 05:46:04 AMEven so, being in deep enough stealth to marry someone who cannot accept transsexuality is a bit extreme. Could you risk the matter coming up after you've been married for a few years?

I understand the need to be stealth.  In fact, I am stealth at both of my jobs, but a person can carry it too far. 

I used to know a TS who had been married to her husband for 25 years and he did not know.  They were not doing well at the time and I imagine they are divorced now, but I do not know for sure.  She didn't have to spend much energy keeping it from him because her old life was so far behind her, but I believe she definitely wasn't perfectly okay with the situation.  She never talked about being TS, even though she was in an environment of TS's.  Most of the time if someone brought it up she became nasty about it.  One time she had to get a passport, but she had to have her best friend prepare and send the application because she was too scared to have her birth certificate in the same house with her husband, lest he find it and discover her. 

Since I knew her in the early days of my transition, her life gave me hope that you can live and pass as a normal woman.  But at the same time it kind of taught me the lesson about jumping from one closet into another.  I suspect that deep down this woman really would have liked someone to talk to about who she really was.  Just my humble opinion, though.

Deniz, I think you should break up with him.  I can see dating someone for a month or two and then telling them once you have gotten to know them, but not after almost a year.  I don't mean offense by this, but that just seems like lying.

Good luck!

Amy

Quote from: LynnER on February 14, 2008, 12:07:38 PM
Deniz sweety...  Im a total hopeless romantic, but even I know when to bow out...

Love is a hard and terrable thing to loose, and it will leave a very large bleeding wound in your heart... but its a survivable wound... If you tell him and he or his friends become violent you may not live thorugh it... or if you do you may wish they had finished the job...

This guy sounds like the type that is not only hateful but would have hateful friends <I knew his type in the past>  Id not put your safety or aninimity at risk by coming out to him... ESPECIALY if hes going into the military...

Sweety, I know its hard, but let him go... Ittle be better for the both of you... but especialy you

Deniz,

I have read through this thread and i have to agree.  It's time to break it off, hon.

I know it hurts, but that is the best thing you can do for both of you.

Please don't let your heart make you a sad statistic on the Day of Rememberance - the day when we remember those who were killed in hate crimes.

Think about this as well.  If he is about to be deployed, his mind won't be on the job at hand.  I think the vets here would all agree that if your mind is elsewhere when you are "in country," it can get you and others killed.  If you love him, then you have to let him go so he doesn't get killed either.


Chaunte

You might be surprised what he will think. Some guys put on a front like that to show off his manhood for his girl. I had a friend like this that I grew up with. And he still acted like this even knowing that I am IS because he looked at me as a girl (Even tho he didn't say anything bad to me directly). One day he tells me that he is in love with me and how he acted changed. Sometimes its hard to know how people will act or what they will say. The guy I live with now even acts like that sometimes, sometimes I wonder if its the way of men LOL. Its hard for anyone to give you good advice on your position, because you don't know whats the right way to go. I can say this, someday it will have to come out. This is a very hard thing to do and to deal with, but you can only carry a secret so far. What you have to do is break it in on your terms and hope for the best. If you let things break down in the relationship and you two move apart without you ever telling him, you are going to wonder for the rest of your life the what if's and the maybe I should of done this or that. Because from the sound of it this secret is going to break you too apart anyways if you keep it bottled up inside. I wish you all the best luck in the world, and I am sure that everyone else is here if you need them too :-D

*Add in* After reading all the replies, I do see some very good points. If he truly does dislike gay and TS people, then there is no telling what he could do. While I don't think he is going to cause you physical harm it could happen. Its something to keep in mind. And while we are all sitting on the outside, its you who will have to deal with it in the end. And you have upfront knowledge. Sometimes love just stinks :-(


~Rachel~

No.  No.  No.

Living a life in fear is not living a life at all.  When you see something, you need to grab it, no matter how scared you might be of the consequences.  This is the only way you can know you did all you did about the situation, and where it's out of your hands and into his.  Otherwise, all those years from now that you might be alone, how many more times do you think you'll be suicidal and blaming yourself for losing the love of your life?  Tell him, then it's his move, then he can either get with it or leave.  The  fact is that if he's enlisted in the army, all you have to do is inform his recruiter he's been fukcing a ->-bleeped-<- for a while... that should keep his mouth SHUT.
If he's been patient enough to last out a relationship without sex for this period of time, I rather doubt he would be privy to some sort of violent anger on a moment's notice.  It takes a LOT of character in a male these days to not demand sex within a friggin week of the start of the relationship.  I would give him credit for that.

Quit living your life measuring how things can go wrong.
It's time to find the courage within yourself to do what is RIGHT.
Tell him.

Quote from: Annwyn on February 25, 2008, 07:13:12 AM
No.  No.  No.

Living a life in fear is not living a life at all.  When you see something, you need to grab it, no matter how scared you might be of the consequences.  This is the only way you can know you did all you did about the situation, and where it's out of your hands and into his.  Otherwise, all those years from now that you might be alone, how many more times do you think you'll be suicidal and blaming yourself for losing the love of your life?  Tell him, then it's his move, then he can either get with it or leave.  The  fact is that if he's enlisted in the army, all you have to do is inform his recruiter he's been fukcing a ->-bleeped-<- for a while... that should keep his mouth SHUT.
If he's been patient enough to last out a relationship without sex for this period of time, I rather doubt he would be privy to some sort of violent anger on a moment's notice.  It takes a LOT of character in a male these days to not demand sex within a friggin week of the start of the relationship.  I would give him credit for that.

Quit living your life measuring how things can go wrong.
It's time to find the courage within yourself to do what is RIGHT.
Tell him.

I sorta agree with Annwyn, he did have credit with not trying to get you in the sack. He also gets points for trying to help you, even if he didn't know what the problem was. This shows he has potential, but it is only potential.

My advice? Try talking to him, tell him that you have friends who are gay or even trans and you hate it when he talks like that. Try and find out why he feels the way he does. Give him some information subtly about the trans issues.

But if you can't find a chink in his armor after all of this, then break it off. I know this post is kinda late, but if you haven't, you might be able to make it work. Don't tell him you are ts until you are ABSOLUTELY SURE he is able to take this information sanely and non-violently. Do not put your life on the line, as his love is not worth your life.

Be safe, and blessings to you.

Quote from: Angel on February 26, 2008, 11:17:17 AM

Don't tell him you are ts until you are ABSOLUTELY SURE he is able to take this information sanely and non-violently. Do not put your life on the line, as his love is not worth your life.

Be safe, and blessings to you.

Word of advice, if you really want to tell him, like really and your 95% POSTIVELY sure he won't get violent- Then go to a public restaurant and tell him their privately. Bring a STUN gun with you...and..keep it with you at all times you around him... Once your sure he isn't mad, then great....

Just be VERY VERY careful...bring some pepper spray too and maybe some brass knuckles..lol

I don't think everyone goes on a killing spree or something, but maybe a public setting isn't a bad idea.

~Rachel~

Quote from: drkprincess on February 26, 2008, 05:28:30 PM
I don't think everyone goes on a killing spree or something, but maybe a public setting isn't a bad idea.

~Rachel~

Just for the protection...he won't get that far if he gets violent...

Meeting in a public place is often a really good idea, and it is the only way I meet people for the first time.  That is a great idea if you plan on telling him.

Deniz, I want to give you the opposite advice of many on here.  You have lied to this guy for all of this time.  If you break it off with a flimsy excuse I doubt he will accept it, at least if he truly loves you back.  I have been on the receiving end of a breakup where I still have no idea why.  Listen honey, it haunts you the rest of your life.  Is that fair to him?   I would rather have an ending I did not like than an ending with no resolution.  It is torture.

I know, I'm a hopeless romantic.  But I do hope that if his prejudices are really there, actually putting a person to the description will be an eye-opening thing for him.  It's easy to hate gays, or blacks, or Catholics, or whatever until you actually know one and find out what they are like.  This guy obviously loves you.  I would take a chance on him.

Only you know if he has violent tendencies.  So do be safe no matter what.  But I still think he deserves to know.  It just might be the best thing that ever happened to him.

Best of luck, Deniz!  Please keep us posted.

Kristi