Ooh, what a triggering question

!
I don't even like to think I have 'breasts'!!!
I don't even know how I could express this in a way that is suitable for this forum...!
I HATE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are two lumps of flesh that is not supposed to be there!!! I try to pull them apart and somehow peek through them what my REAL chest would look like (underneath)!!!
They get in the way and whenever I see myself in a mirror (especially sideview) they are a REMINDER, an exclamation mark that I have a female body!!!!!!
I'm blessed/cursed with a huge chest that I have difficulties in hiding.
But I can't change that right? Before I get top surgery. So I HAVE TO deal with it. And try to ignore it the best I can. But it's CONSTANTLY wearing me down!!! It's always there at the back of my mind.
The worst/darkest moments I feel like this:
"OMFG I'm gonna go and chop them off myself!!!!!!!!!!!!" Then I come back to my senses & realize that's not possible. So I sigh & deal with it again.
I constantly fantasize of them disappearing:
That they would just drop off like a water drop.
That they would disappear.
That they didn't exist.
That I don't have them, actually.
That I could hide them (better).
That I could make a cut with a knife & pull that extra stuff out that's not supposed to be there = flat chest!
This is THE WORST dysphoria-inducing thing for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I can't even be a man with 'them'.
God I wish they were gone already.
Usually I just try to forget I have them.
When I can't - like when I'm naked (not often, but after a shower etc.) and I SEE them - they stare back at me - I feel ALIEN. Like I have some alien body part that is NOT supposed to be there!!!
I constantly fantasize that they would just magically disappear.
I want them gone SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After so many years of binding they are saggy and don't have that much of sensitivity so I can squeeze them like they were two lumps of liveless flesh. I feel like they are tumors growing out of my body. I feel like I could hit someone with one!
I used to be fat but that wasn't even the worst in photos - it was having THEM & them SHOWING!!!
But since I have to suck it up & deal with this I try to IGNORE & DISTRACT MYSELF as best as I can!
But any moment I become aware of it (like now) I just feel like I wish I could grab them and pull them off!!! It's annoying to the EXTREME!!!!!!!!!
That's why I have sympathy to AMABs who have a body part that's not supposed to be there. (For those who do care about it.) At least I don't need them to have sex......! That's why I imagine it might be worse for AMABs to have sex with their body parts than for AFABs.
When I sit (like right now) I pull them aside with my elbows to make my chest appear flat.
Did that give you some idea how I feel about them,

?
HATE is not a strong word enough.