Hi I just registered in this forum as I really need help,

I am currently seeing a therapist due to several reasons such as problems with my sexuality, family relationship (this is fine now) and just about my emotions //sry for my English I am from Germany.
It was my first time ever going to a therapist and it has been a couple of months from now on - once a week (she is a therapist who focuses on sexuality etc.).

Whilst talking she also figured out that I have problems with "womanhood" - I know that I do; so, she also wanted to take a look at this part of my life.
I know that I do not feel like a woman, do not feel connected to this gender/sex (I see myself different), have dysphoria (e.g. I can only wear wide t-shirts) but this has always been <normal> for me. I do not compare my outer self with women etc. and whilst talking to her about these things it sometimes made my cry. I was just shocked about my emotional reaction. I am still in therapy, however, last time she said that I could have a gender identity disorder - and that I have physical and psychological problems in regards to my "sex", so to say (we are continuing therapy).

And my feelings right now are anxious, I have go a headache and sometimes I just cry.
I just tell myself, this cannot be.
1. my family would never accept this, especially my mom who is conservative.
2. why should it be me?

It all scares me when I think about it. I just think yeah something is not quite right with me but I am 25 - and I am "fine". I cannot enter relationships (my first and last one was with 17) because I don't want my body to be touched at points I don't want to)- I know this part is also kind of a disaster. And then I think, but it cannot be - it could be the wrong decision to make.

I just don't know where to continue. I just feel like other people can enjoy life much more than I do because I have these restrictions everywhere.

Hi and welcome. [emoji4]
Finally facing our feelings can be daunting (I was 37 when I started),  but always remember that it is entirely your choice in what you do,  when you do it and to what if any extent.
Keep working with your therapist,  and if you want to,  you can try small subtle things in changing your appearance and see how you feel about them; most people will never even notice little or gradual changes,  or coments can be easily dismissed.
There are a great bunch of people here,  I'm sure you'll find some good advice. X

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I spent most of my adult life thinking, "This cannot be".  I am 63.  Finally, a couple of years ago, I started asking myself, "Well, what if it is true?"  And it turned out that it was true.

We do not know enough about you to form an opinion about whether or not you might be transgender.  This is something for you to continue exploring with your therapist.  Be open to exploring areas of yourself that might feel uncomfortable - that is what therapists are for.  You can take your time exploring, at a rate that you are comfortable with.

Some things to think about:
- Families can sometimes surprise you.  I was afraid to tell my in-laws, both in their 90s.  Yet when I told them, they couldn't have been nicer.  They got my name and pronouns correct, and my mother-in-law gave me a beautiful necklace.
- Why shouldn't it be you?  Somewhere around 1% of the population are transgender.  Whether it is genetics or pre-natal environment or something else, being transgender happens to some people.  It is no one's fault.  It is just part of the wonderful variety of human existence, like blue eyes or red hair.

Hi,
thank you for the replies @Megan. and @KathyLauren!

@KathyLauren Regarding your questions; "what if it is true" -> it scares me, I just don't want to really think about it, additionally I think "I cannot do this to my family" - I talked to my sister about the fact that the therapist said that it seems as if I have a <GID> but I don't feel like elaborating on it for now. She said it is fine and that it is no problem. However, I don't think she "fully" understands. My family: I don't know whether my mom would be understanding - isn't it a burden for them?

The therapist has been asking me about different aspects in my life. I promised myself before I started the sessions that I would answer every single question, which I have been doing - more or less comfortably (which is fine for me).

Also "why shouldn't it be me" ...I know I have this "uncomfortably" and feeling that something is not quite right but then there are times when I think "okay everything is alright - nothing wrong with me or to worry about" (this however, never lasts long) and everything is back as it was before. I don't know whether you know what I mean.

I have just never thought consciously about it and sometimes I just want to switch it off, thinking about the fact that it is not quite right and wished I hadn't this awareness about myself and I could just lock it away.

I will continue therapy sessions once a week :/ but then I think okay I hope everything is gonna turn out good because I don't want my life to be "wasted".

Quote from: v_7 on November 04, 2017, 06:55:41 PMI don't know whether my mom would be understanding - isn't it a burden for them?

Interesting question, one that would give your therapist lots of material to explore.  How would it be a burden to them?  At age 25, I presume that you are independent of them or soon will be.  So how is your transition, should you decide to do that, a burden? 

All parents hope their children will turn out exactly as in their dreams.  And none of them ever do.  Parents are doomed to some disappoinemtnt in that regard.  An ideal parental response is to let go of their expectations and take pride in who you really are.  Sometimes that doesn't happen.  In which case, the healthy child's response is to let go of their expectations, too.

Quote
Also "why shouldn't it be me" ...I know I have this "uncomfortably" and feeling that something is not quite right but then there are times when I think "okay everything is alright - nothing wrong with me or to worry about" (this however, never lasts long) and everything is back as it was before. I don't know whether you know what I mean.

Oh, yes, I know exactly what you mean.  I spent about 40 years knowing that something wasn't right, but managing somehow to convince myself that everything was fine.

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I hope everything is gonna turn out good because I don't want my life to be "wasted".

In spite of the long delay in my awareness, I don't consider all those years to be "wasted".  I got to do some cool things that I could not have done if I had transitioned back then.  And all those years, even though they may have been a detour, led me to where I am today, which is a darned nice place.  Maybe some other route would have gotten me here, but maybe I would have taken a different route that didn't lead here.  Can't complain about getting to a good place.

Which is why I say, stick with the therapy, take your time, and get it right.  It will be worth it.

Hi v_7,
I understand nearly every emotion and thought you describe. Nearly everyday I still have panic attacks, and why me episodes.
Your in therapy, and that is the best thing for now. I know everything seems up in the air, but just breathe. Take time to understand exactly what your feeling, be honest in your therapy  - Its safe and private, and when it comes down to it you have to live an honest life to yourself and therapy is the best way to find out what that is for you.
We are all individuals, and react differently to situations, but I am sure if you hang around these forums for a while you will see similarities in your stories with almost everyone here. Their solutions and choices do not have to be yours, that is for you to understand but most people I know overcome seemingly insurmountable issues and appear on the other side stronger and better than before.
Keep talking and stay strong.
Hugs
Sarahxx

Hi again,

@KathyLauren. The reason I said that it <could be a burden to them> is that they might not understand and tell me that  I am exaggerating, overreacting and that I am probably confused about my feelings; maybe also stating that they know me better and tell me it is wrong to "explore further". The reason I say this is that once my mum stated that trans* people are not "right in their minds".
What if I ever decide to go further ... and they cannot accept it/don't want it - then I probably would probably follow their wish because I don't wanna lose them

I am just so torn between my emotions - always thinking what if the therapist is wrong (however, I gotta state that she has experience in this field) :/ I wished it wasn't this way and I could just "live as normal" as my siblings.

Quote from: v_7 on November 05, 2017, 08:14:38 AM
@KathyLauren. The reason I said that it <could be a burden to them> is that they might not understand and tell me that  I am exaggerating, overreacting and that I am probably confused about my feelings; maybe also stating that they know me better and tell me it is wrong to "explore further". The reason I say this is that once my mum stated that trans* people are not "right in their minds".

If they are right, that your transition would be a mistake, then you wouldn't transition and there is no burden created.  But if they are wrong, then they are wrong.  Any burden they feel in that case is of their own making, because of their own mistake.

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What if I ever decide to go further ... and they cannot accept it/don't want it - then I probably would probably follow their wish because I don't wanna lose them

Of course, that would be your right.  But the question you have to ask yourself is whether it is worth losing yourself in order to keep them.  This is something to continue discussing with your therapist, in order to gain clarity.

Hello and welcome to Susan's.

It sounds like you have GD. Trans is a spectrum. Most people I know do not gully transition. They may do different things to feel comfortable in their skin. Some have surgeries and other just take hormones. Some express full time and some part time. Everyone s different.

I fully transitioned and was so scarred. I have expressed full time for 2 years, have bin on HRT for 3.5 years and fully transitioned. My GD is gone as well as my depression.

I understand about family. CIS do not have a reference point and cannot relate. I recommend you find a trans group and make friends. There is family of birth and family of circumstance. You can make friends and be in community. You will find wonderful people coming together because we have something in common.

Remember to breath.

Being a woman hiding in a male body can be life threatening.  GD does not go away by itself. You need to work hard and learn self acceptance and being who you are. Sounds easy and it is easier for a CIS person but you can do it.

Your Mom, she will either accept you, partially accept you or reject you. Remember to always show love and patience. She may come around in time. You sound like a loving person and that comes from someplace.

Good luck.
Rachel

Thank you again for the great communication here

I will address all these questions which I have in the therapy session next week!

I am not sure. maybe it is a feeling of guilt on my side - they have supported me so much in my life - and I just cannot let go of their expectations (yet) though I know this is not what will make me really happy and also cannot be fulfilled.

I will give you feedback by the end of next week.

Quote from: v_7 on November 05, 2017, 09:23:25 AM
Thank you again for the great communication here

I will address all these questions which I have in the therapy session next week!

I am not sure. maybe it is a feeling of guilt on my side - they have supported me so much in my life - and I just cannot let go of their expectations (yet) though I know this is not what will make me really happy and also cannot be fulfilled.

I will give you feedback by the end of next week.

My Therapist told me I can't make my family happy while I am miserable for not to be who I am. Soon or later my family will find out about my transition to become a woman. That why my Therapist setting up a support team to deal with change in my body and life and that is critical for me to begin my transition. I already seen other going to transition alone without support end up regret and more miserable than before.

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@Rachel thanks I will look for trans groups in my area. As far as I know there is a LGBTQ community nearby.

@luanneph I will continue therapy sessions as I agree with all of you that it is probably the best right now. I thought about quitting some time ago because I am too scared of my feelings (sometimes I get this blockage of feelings inside of me which I have never had before (it first appeared when the therapist told me her assumed diagnosis)) - it is just the whole situation - my life is quite normal, I am not independent from my parents yet but will be in, more than a year when finishing my studies.

Quote from: v_7 on November 05, 2017, 02:38:01 PM
@Rachel thanks I will look for trans groups in my area. As far as I know there is a LGBTQ community nearby.

@luanneph I will continue therapy sessions as I agree with all of you that it is probably the best right now. I thought about quitting some time ago because I am too scared of my feelings (sometimes I get this blockage of feelings inside of me which I have never had before (it first appeared when the therapist told me her assumed diagnosis)) - it is just the whole situation - my life is quite normal, I am not independent from my parents yet but will be in, more than a year when finishing my studies.

@v_7 That is a good idea to move forward. The local TransWomen Support Group is the best way for me. They have all resources and information to help Transgender in transitions. I glad I am a part of the group.

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I really gotta ask you a question.
I personally feel very dependent on my parents (and we will continue talking about it in the next sessions on how to solve this problem).

I talked to the therapist and she asked me whether I feel like a woman.
The thing is I can definitely say that I do not feel like a woman but I do not how to "locate" the other feeling because I have always felt the way I feel - but I can only say where I do not belong. How is it possible for me to locate this feeling (*)?

My mum is, as I mentioned in previous posts, not very liberal and I always feel like I kind of have to live the way she wants me to though I cannot and in these regards (*) [see sentence above] I feel emotionally blocked like I cannot fully progress.

It is often easier to say what we don't like about something than what we like.  While it so apparent that something is not quite right because that's what we feel first, it takes a lot more work and often quite specific mental effort to find out what we are comfortable with and what really makes us happy.  That's where small changes and experimenting come in.  I think very few of us just woke up one day knowing everything about our dysphoria and who we were and what we needed to find our peace.  It all starts with noting that something isn't right, then noting little things that just feel good and seem to fit, then getting to a place where it starts to become clear who we really are and embracing that.  Your therapist can help with all this, but only you can really know what you need to do to feel at ease with yourself.  Just open your mind and be honest with your therapist.  No matter how important others are in your life, you will never be able to love them fully until you love yourself.  Good parents really only want their children to be happy.  No matter how much they have invested in the status quo, if your parents see you are happier wearing different clothes they may eventually accept that as best for you.  Be open to a whole new world of possibilities.  Toni