I suppose I should explain. I am currently listening to an audio book by Jennifer Finney Boylan called "She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders" In it a person named Trudy who had been talking about suiciding in their transgender support  meeting tells a group that get together after the meeting about a vending machine she wants named Gonzo's Wild Ride. "It's the Mercedes of gumball machines" She's asked if she has it by Jenny and Trudy replies "not yet" It is the first sign that night that Trudy has hopes of a future. There is a line at the end of their conversation that hit me in the face.

" I don't know how long I have to live," says Trudy. "But I know I'm getting ******* Gonzo before I go"

  The line hit me like a brick as I realized I don't have a Gonzo. I have no aspirations left. with the exit of my daughter (and my grand children with her) from my life, I am empty. I have nothing left. My Gonzo is gone.

   My personal problems aside, I would like to hear what your "Gonzo" is, what keeps you going?

Laurie

The path. I know what's at the end of it, but I've no idea what I'll encounter along the way. 

Hugs, Devlyn

There is no one thing.  I have never thought, "Oh, if only I had ____, I could die happy."  I guess my brain doesn't work that way.

There are so many things.  To see another sunny day.  To hike in the Rockies again.  To meet more nice people.  To watch another airshow.  To eat more chocolate.  And when I do those things, to do them again and again.  And of course, to be more authentically myself.

Devlyn is right, it's the journey, not the gumball machine.

     I agree with what has been said it is the journey and the wonderful people we meet along the way  that said my Gonzo is I came into this world in a male body I will not leave in one


   bobbisue

From high school until the mid 1990's it was an exotic sports car.  1997-1999 I owned a 1994 Acura NSX, Black with a tan interior.  Then I got divorced, lost everything, traveled to the other side of the world and met my wife.  After that, it was helping her family in the Philippines.

Over there I feel like I've built more houses than Jimmy Carter.  I've helped several business start ups and paid for five college educations, first my brothers in law then my wife's cousins.  The last one graduates in March.

Now it is the girl I see when I look in the mirror.

Well, if we are talking super important life stuff, for me it's a pretty sappy thing... Experiencing a true romance as a woman (not that I ever had one as a man). Full on movie style. None of that melodramatic Titanic nonsense, I'm talking sweet, innocent, and loving like a movie that should be starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan circa 1997.

For something a bit more on par with a gumball machine that isn't really super important life stuff, my answer is probably more in line with what people would expect from me. And that is seeing the ending to the anime/manga series One Piece. I've been watching it for 20 years. TWENTY YEARS. Japan doesn't have season breaks or extended hiatuses for the most part. That's a chapter(manga) then episode(anime) almost every week. For 20 years. I am going to finish it before dying dammit. Seriously, it was first published in July of '97. (Though really, while it may seem inconsequential, the series has been one of precious few sources of just pure joy for me throughout some really terrible points in my life.)

Also, uhh.... searching gonzo's wild ride with safe search disabled did not bring up what I was expecting it to.

I had to think about this another way.  I have some unbelievablely complicated art pieces that I do for fun.  It drives me.  But if I died tomorrow and one of these was only in a 50% state, it might as well be zero for anybody but me.  They would just throw the stuff away.  Then people would know Bari Jo only by my real job, or my transition.  It's not enough to me.  I want my name to reverberate in history.  I mean in a good way, I'm not a psychopath.  More like I had an impact on an artform, or an industry, or a segment of people, even if it's it's just by being misunderstood, at least known.   If it's, remember Bari Jo?   She was the 'Tucker' of....  [Insert industry].  That would be enough for me.  That's my Gonzo I guess.  It's a lofty goal, but stuff like that always keeps my brain firing.

Bari Jo

 Ellie,
  If you were looking for the gumball machine itself, try Oscar's wild ride.  I suspect it was likely the inspiration for the gumball machine in the story.

Here is a video of one on youtube.

This might sound super corny but I really want a fairy tale romance as a woman. To become the woman I see in my dreams and meet Prince Charming and get married and maybe have kids, dogs and a cute house, travel all over the world and be happy until we die old. I honestly feel super embarrassed writing this but it's one of the things I wish for the most. Will it happen? Nobody knows! But I will definitely try.


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Quote from: Roll on November 11, 2017, 01:40:51 PM
Well, if we are talking super important life stuff, for me it's a pretty sappy thing... Experiencing a true romance as a woman (not that I ever had one as a man). Full on movie style. None of that melodramatic Titanic nonsense, I'm talking sweet, innocent, and loving like a movie that should be starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan circa 1997.

Haha! No wonder we get along Ellie. See my post above ❤️


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Ellie and Nicki,

  There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have those lovely hopes for future. You are both young enough to achieve those dreams. I had them myself once.

     Laurie I am also in your age group things are not over  if my dad taught me anything it was you are never too old for romance  he met his last Girlfriend at the age of 85  They went out for dinners shows and every dance they could find and if it weren't for cancer they still would be,there is always hope


   bobbisue

Hi Bobbiesue,

  You are absolutely right in saying age does not rule out romance. I did not mean to imply that at all. In saying I had those dreams once myself I meant that I had them once as a young man looking forward to growing up and making a life and family of my own. I did that, failed at it, and now have nothing left. I am already living on borrowed time having had cancer three times, I shouldn't be here. And since my daughter has tossed me from her life and that of my grandchildren, I no longer care if I'm here or not. I've lost my Gonzo. But this thread is not about me.
   In this thread I want to read about what others have that keeps them going. What their dreams, hopes are for their future. What's their Gonzo.

A lot of the time, I feel like I am struggling to keep my head above water, without knowing why I try.  While there is life there is hope, I suppose.  I do look forward to signing on at Susan's Place, so I suppose that right now, that is my Gonzo.

While there is life there really is hope.  I am being corny but I hope that nobody really stops loving people who loved and cared for them for all of their lives and continue to do so.  I hope that somehow something happens to rekindle that love and make it unconditional.  I hope that people can keep hoping for as long as it takes.  I hope that they get the support they need to do that. 
I suppose that for me, hoping is another Gonzo.

Laurie,

I'm not sure I have a gonzo either right now,  but there's one out there for me,  and one for you too.
And, as others have said, and as you (Queen of the road trip) should know,  it really is about the journey; the barren dessert and the lush meadows all have their beauty. X

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