Quote from: Roll on November 06, 2017, 11:11:27 PM
That's not stupid at all! Figuring out if your feelings are really love is never easy, but it sounds like at the least he is very important to you.

Can i ask you how?? Because the last year or so.....he and I went out for 4 months....and of course I was questioning my sexuality and my feelings for him. He and I broke up because he did not know if he could fall in love with me. He has said to me many many times that I love him....and if its true.....how is it that my heart won't let me feel it?? I mean I listen to A Thousand Years by Christina Perri and Amazed by Lonestar and look at a picture of he and I and I cry....but then these things about being trans I mean yes I cried at first because of anxiety etc. but....now I barely cry at all..

I know him so much more than I know myself. I know the colors he likes. I know that he likes TMNT and he loves Raphael. He loves Zelda and Walking Dead. He twitches his nose when he eats his food or is really concentrating....IDK I remember so much of what we have done together....And I know him better than I know myself I guess...and it does scare me that if I ended up being trans he would not want to be with me......but the biggest thing I have been trying to tackle is if I truly love him....yes he has give me arousal....I remember the night he told me he loved me....I have the heart he gave me....and its like.....do I really want to be with him??? He has told me. My friends have told me. My parents have told me.....that I do have feelings for him....

Quote from: BJ0909 on November 06, 2017, 11:16:27 PM
Can i ask you how??

If I knew I'd tell you, but I'm probably the least qualified person to explain how you know if you're in love. My experience has been nothing more than a handful of what you could call simply crushes. I thought I was in love with at least two of those crushes, but I've since figured out they were more infatuation than any form of real love.

Quote from: Roll on November 06, 2017, 11:42:14 PM
If I knew I'd tell you, but I'm probably the least qualified person to explain how you know if you're in love. My experience has been nothing more than a handful of what you could call simply crushes. I thought I was in love with at least two of those crushes, but I've since figured out they were more infatuation than any form of real love.

You know what is making me cry more now.....that if I ended up being trans....he would not love or care about me anymore......than even reading about trans stuff......I read about that stuff and I dont cry at all.....but somehow the thought of him not loving me or caring makes me cry.....IDK why.?

Quote from: Roll on November 06, 2017, 11:42:14 PM
If I knew I'd tell you, but I'm probably the least qualified person to explain how you know if you're in love. My experience has been nothing more than a handful of what you could call simply crushes. I thought I was in love with at least two of those crushes, but I've since figured out they were more infatuation than any form of real love.

Course now I am being a dork and crying about it lol about him not loving me...

God why am I crying more over that than the whole trans thing put together??? Him not loving or caring about me??!!?

Quote from: BJ0909 on November 07, 2017, 12:09:15 AM
God why am I crying more over that than the whole trans thing put together??? Him not loving or caring about me??!!?

Because whatever those feelings may be, you do have feelings for him so that is normal. Just remember not to lose sight of your own well being while focusing on him and what he thinks about you! Many people here will tell you they spent a lot of their life worrying about how others would view them at their own expense, and the end result isn't pretty.

Quote from: Roll on November 07, 2017, 08:13:39 AM
Because whatever those feelings may be, you do have feelings for him so that is normal. Just remember not to lose sight of your own well being while focusing on him and what he thinks about you! Many people here will tell you they spent a lot of their life worrying about how others would view them at their own expense, and the end result isn't pretty.

I know you and everyone believe a lot of this is my OCD. But I asked him or texted him....that if I ended up being a trans person would you care about me or love me? And he has not responded......so now I am scared.....I am more scared of what he will say to me when I see him next.....and that is setting my anxiety off a little.....even if I do have feelings for him....all of this other stuff is getting in the way

Now I dont even know if I just got some confirmation but....he has not once said he would love me or care about me if I ended up being trans..and now all I am doing is crying......I am crying more over that then being or nor trans itself...

Quote from: BJ0909 on November 07, 2017, 10:24:37 AM
I know you and everyone believe a lot of this is my OCD. But I asked him or texted him....that if I ended up being a trans person would you care about me or love me? And he has not responded......so now I am scared.....I am more scared of what he will say to me when I see him next.....and that is setting my anxiety off a little.....even if I do have feelings for him....all of this other stuff is getting in the way

Well... Regardless of whether or not you actually are trans, if he is the sort of person who wouldn't care about you because you even might be trans, is he the sort of person you really want in your life? I know that you can't always help who you have feelings for, but it is something to keep in mind, as you deserve someone who will support you, particularly over issues of such dire need.

And I should say, it's not that I or others believe this is entirely OCD, but rather that we don't have the knowledge or right to make that assumption, and that it is on you and your therapist to figure out for certain. The issue is more that in order to properly work through if you are transgender or if it is just an anxiety driven obsession, you have to work on getting your OCD enough in check to make that judgment for yourself. OCD is a barrier to comprehensive, rational thought, and you deserve to find your answer free of its control so that you can be confident of it for the future. 

Quote from: Roll on November 07, 2017, 11:17:12 AM
Well... Regardless of whether or not you actually are trans, if he is the sort of person who wouldn't care about you because you even might be trans, is he the sort of person you really want in your life? I know that you can't always help who you have feelings for, but it is something to keep in mind, as you deserve someone who will support you, particularly over issues of such dire need.

And I should say, it's not that I or others believe this is entirely OCD, but rather that we don't have the knowledge or right to make that assumption, and that it is on you and your therapist to figure out for certain. The issue is more that in order to properly work through if you are transgender or if it is just an anxiety driven obsession, you have to work on getting your OCD enough in check to make that judgment for yourself. OCD is a barrier to comprehensive, rational thought, and you deserve to find your answer free of its control so that you can be confident of it for the future. 

I wish I could get why I am crying more over this than the thoughts and feelings of me being gay or bi or trans etc. Like....

I just wish I could understand who i am.....even a year ago I didnt have anxiety of my gender....yes I have always felt self conscious about my boobs but......its not as far as I know been in the fact of getting rid of them....and I have just always known biologically I am a girl.....but I have not really ever had any problems with it. I mean yes periods are a huge pain in the ass but....I have not wanted to as far as I know get rid of my vagina.....I know I present myself more masculine than my sister but I do like to wear makeup every now and then.....and honestly the things I would be self conscious about would be my acne when it was really bad.....Like I would honestly want to get rid of it so badly.....and just having very hairy eyebrows and how wispy they get. Every time I would wax my eyebrows.....I would feel less self conscious....

I just feel like at this point things have just not gone well....me trying to figure out if I love him even if everyone in my life says I do. Dealing with if I am trans or not.....if I love my parents etc...

Have faith in yourself you will find your answers! These are all individually overwhelming questions, and it is all too natural to let things of such magnitude weigh on us more than we should, but if you stick in there with it particularly in therapy, you will hopefully find what you are trying to figure out.

I know my family and friends say I am a good person. Idk why my heart is not capable of love.? And if it is why it does not feel it.

Quote from: BJ0909 on November 08, 2017, 09:29:23 PM
I know my family and friends say I am a good person. Idk why my heart is not capable of love.? And if it is why it does not feel it.

Love can be tricky to recognize. When we feel something as simple as love for parents all the time, it turns into background noise, that sometimes takes a bit of a jolt to stand out again for us to be able to say "ohhh yeah, that's how I feel".

Remember as well, most of the issues you describe are the exact opposite of not being capable of love, and are signs that if anything you feel too much. It is common for us to wall ourselves off from emotion as a defense mechanism, giving us the impression (or those around us) that we don't care, when in fact it's just that we care so much we can't handle it in a rational manner without that buffer.

I definitely feel an arousal towards him...

One thing I noticed today.....I had a thought of to when he and I were together....he and I were being intimate...and he asked me if it was too soon for sex. Today I had this thought in my head and I immediately got a jump in my chest and aroused...

I'm sorry everyone. I am trying my best. I just wish I knew if I love him. Reading stuff out loud I write to myself about possibly loving him I cry. But when I think about being trans I dont cry at all. And IDK if this is TMI but, when he and I were together last year.....we were being really intimate....like close to sex intimate....and he asked me if it was too soon for sex.....I have thought about this moment sometimes and I get this jump in my heart/chest and I get aroused...idk if this means I want to have sex with him or what but......I know I have never been disgusted or annoyed with being a girl and I also know I have not really ever wished to become a boy...*hugs*

Quote from: BJ0909 on November 12, 2017, 12:05:15 AM
............................I have thought about this moment sometimes and I get this jump in my heart/chest and I get aroused...idk if this means I want to have sex with him or what but......I know I have never been disgusted or annoyed with being a girl and I also know I have not really ever wished to become a boy...*hugs*

I definitely think you have feelings for him, otherwise I doubt you would react in the way you do...